the Mystery of Minx Noir

As some readers of this poetic journal may know, minx noir died very suddenly, in early February.  Those who spoke to her last, report that after a day of stressful accomplishment, she was tired but proud of herself, and her mood was good.  It consoles those of us who loved her to know that it is likely that she had no pain, indeed little or no warning, of what, simply, occurred.  Of the many poems which our minx loved, this one seems most appropriate just now.

Ah, Sunflower

Ah, sunflower, weary of time,
Who countest the steps of the sun;
Seeking after that sweet golden clime
Where the traveller's journey is done.

Where the youth pined away with desire,
And the pale virgin shrouded in snow
Arise from their graves and aspire
Where my sunflower wishes to go.

           -William Blake

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well, Nikki nearly killed Jim.  she OD'd him on Monday night and left him alone in his tiny apartment.  she called the paramedics but did not wait around to tell them anything or be sure they found him.  they said he was blue when they found him.  he was basically almost dead.  so he spent some harrowing hours in the ER being given Narcan and other shit to revive him and now he has a heroin overdose on his medical records.  he is really freaked out that she did that to him, and left him alone to die or not that way.  now he is calling me and writing to me wanting help in ending his friendship with her.  that wicked bitch.  so i am being supportive.  she did that same thing to me once too.  only she put me out on the sidewalk to be found, since she was at her own home.  he says her drug use is escalating even worse now and is way out of control.  even for her, i mean.  she has been trying to contact me through my friend Ray and she asked Jim too but he refused.  she called Ray at his home.  she claims it is because of the clothes and jewelry she and i left with each other at the time she robbed me.  i long ago wrote off the shit she had of mine and i am keeping the junk she left here.  she thinks i am going to exchange this crap with her after she fucking robbed me???  like we are friends?  what the hell?  she got way more nice stuff of mine, in any case, than what i have of hers.  so i know this is some ruse.  she is trying to get around the restraining order.  Jim said she told him to tell me she had moved to New Jersey or somewhere!  haha.  he refused.  heh.  she is freaking out over the news she heard in court of her impending arrest.  well good.  i just wish it were true.  i wish the damn DA had not chickened out.  i hope she stews over it for some time, waiting.  christ. 

so life goes on.  my life is so much better now.  thank god Jim is okay too.  poor guy.  he loved her way more than i did.  they were friends for years before she became the Creature she is now.  i have a nice stable life now.  with no drama and no stress.  no real worries.  i am SO lucky.  i can never forget how close to the edge i came.  never. 

thank God i had the support of so many good people.  that really helped.  it is still helping.  people who believe in me.  people i do not want to let down.  i thank God every day they did not think me a lost cause and just write me off.  i am Blessed.  and so totally grateful. 

anyway, i am soldiering onward.  my life is busy these days and full.  i am happy and content.  my furbabies are all well and provided for.  my bills are paid.  i have no complaints.  life is good.  and entirely a Gift.  the Universe feels very benevolent just now.  i hope the same is true for all of you.

xoxox,
minxie 

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well i am awaiting the hordes to descend upon me any minute now to begin tearing apart my bathroom to fix some leak in the garage downstairs.  the Workmen from India will soon be shouting in Hindi and the racket of them banging on pipes and hammering the walls apart and breaking apart tiles will commence.  i have Poor Poe Cat in the bedroom with his litter box and food bowls and he is not pleased at the new arangement.  i will be unable to take a shower for four days.  i will be bathing out of the sink.

so i painted on my red Bindi dot and put the holy basil wood beads around my neck and have lots of CDs on of Indian classical music and i lit some incense.  i hope they feel right at Home.  i hope to make them more civil to me this way.  if i knew how i would make them samosas for lunch.  ah well.

my sweatshirt is covered with colorful marijuana leaves however and is very Berkeley.  so i do not present a congruent picture.  my punjabi outfit needs washing.  and i am not in the mood to wear a sari.  it is too cold.  so this will have to do.  i am never congruent anyway.  this mishmash is the real me.

i found out yesterday that the DA is not going to go ahead with the criminal case after all.  she feels there is not enough to convince a jury beyond a reasonable doubt.  she never even talked to me.  i am so mad.  a little relieved but mostly furious.  crap.  Nikki is going to get away with it all.  dammit.  that so sucks.

so i am a tad crabby today.  **understatement**  however, Ray is coming over, and Sunday J. is taking me out to buy me a winter coat, so all is good.  the next four days are going to kinda suck is all.  but hey, holy cow, i'll survive!  i always do... : )

xoxox,

minxie

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well just a quick note to say that i won the hearing on the restraining order.  i got it for five years.  now we proceed to the criminal charges.  oh the joy.  Nikki was there to contest the restraining order but she was unprepared for the existence of the criminal charges.  so she chose to take the fifth when told anything she said could be used in a court of law against her.  i came off looking better, of course.  i was real honest and respectful and answered whatever the Judge asked me.  i won.  it was weird seeing and hearing Nikki.  i still feel weird.  but i proved i can hold my own in court.

i got a tattoo right afterwards.  when it is healed i will post a pic of it.  oh and for those who don't know, i got my hair cut real short again right before the trial.  it's in a pixie again.  i looked real good for the trial.  i was all prepared and looked just right.  the Advocate Laura from the Berkeley Police was with me and sat between Nikki and me so she blocked our eye view of each other, thankfully.  i am glad it is over now.  this part.  i did not expect to feel down this way though.  but i guess it's natural.

i hope this never gets as far as a jury trial.  but whatever.  i am in for the long haul.  so far so good.

xoxoxox,
minxie

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well, i am postponing some chores right now while i write this.  heh.  i am also trying to recover from having the landlord bang on my door to announce in some Hindi and some English that he never got the December rent check.  he also seems to think i am subletting the place.  while i also live here.  he was really mad.  and they want to tear apart the bathroom.  i already agreed to let them do that in three weeks with one of his workers who comes around the building.  i did put the check in the mailbox on the manager's door.  it is not my check.  it is from a lawyer, my ex's lawyer.  it is not alimony though.  he pays my rent out of kindness.  so i had to call him and very nicely plead with him to come over and reason with this man while he was still in the country.  my ex i mean.  he lives mostly in Europe.  so he sped right over on his bike.  he explained to the man that i am not subletting to anyone.  that the other name on the check is the name of his lawyer!  jesus.  i told him the same thing but being merely a woman means i am "knowing nothing".  **clears throat**  this man knows i am Hindu and calls me by my Hindu name, chandramukhi, and it seems to have worked against me this time.  it seems to have allowed him to treat me as he would an Indian Hindu woman!  that is to say, badly!  **sigh**  so we Namasted each other and he left.  he wished me a Happy New Year.  and then i had to talk to my ex about my Scandal.  it came up and he asked me outright if i had used heroin with Nikki.  clearly he does not read my blog!  so i had to talk all about that!  so my head is on crooked now.  very crooked.  doing the chores will probably be good for me.  when i finish blathering i will do them. 

i thought the Cops were at the door the way he banged on it.  and cuz lately they have been here kind of often.  my  Scandal  and all.  i had my phone date with Det. Jung this morning.  so i am kind of jittery now.  **understatement**  but even i cannot take myself seriously now that i have seen myself in the mirror.  you have to picture this.  i have a huge sweatshirt on that Nikki, a tall, big girl, left here.  it is down to like almost my knees and the sleeves are way past my hands.  i look very tiny in it.  my hair is in a braid but i stuck it up in a barrette without looking and the tail of the braid is rising as if from the top of my head in the shape of a feathery question mark.  for real.  and i have on a pair of slippers that i found in a box of clothes someone was giving away, so they are too big for me.  so i look very tiny, with big feet, and a feather question mark on my head. with my eyes all goggled out in stunned surpise the way they are, and i have huge eyes anyway,  i look like TWEETYBIRD!  i really DO!  ahahahaha!!!!  i had no idea of that all morning of course.  so first i was Tweetybird the Victim talking to the Cop on the phone, then i was Tweetybird the Tenant being yelled at in Hindi (Tweetybird with a Bindi Dot on her forehead!) by her Landlord, then i was Tweetybird the Junkie, begging in remorse to her ex-husband.  HAHAHA!!!!!  as my Beloved Becca often says, i so suck at life!  other folks answer the door dressed to see folks.  i do NOT.  i live in dread of anyone arriving at my door and try to have it seldom happen.  i save my real clothes for going out.  i do not wear them at home.  they get covered with cat hair.  and wear out and get dirty and it makes no sense.  at home i am into not caring.  **sigh**  but then there are days like today... haha.

well, the chores await.  now i will be Tweetybird cleaning the Guinea Pig cages...  That's All Folks!

xoxox
minxie

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well well.  i am giving myself today off and now i cannot relax!  i am so used to doing stuff that has me all creeped out every day that now i cannot unwind on a day off!  so maybe i will go out today and do some errands anyway.  weird.  i am weirding myself out.  this is so not me.  ah well.  whatever.  what do i know?  i am not conducting the Orchestra of My Life.  i simply am not.  i am supposed to feel i am, but i am simply not.  so i am the last to know stuff.  it makes for a surprising, if uncertain life.  i am backstage playing the kazoo.  i like the soundtrack i hear though.  we all should have our own soundtracks.  every movie has it's own score.  i think of the music that plays on my myspace profile as my soundtrack now.  haha.  it's the theme from the movie Donnie Darko.  but if i were picking for real for my movie of my life, i would find something way more awesome.  **ponders**

so i want to get my calendars today i guess.  i will take the bus to the store that has them on sale after the new year begins.  i hope i can find another Guinea Pig calendar like last year.  you get three for ten bucks.  so i get a Cat one and a Pig one and one other.  i used to get a Rat one but now that Lily has passed on so that would make me sad.  i will find something.  but i need a new one for all of my Legal Appointments!  it's getting hard to keep track!

i have to get new mascara too.  i can only wear Clinique, so i have to go to the only store i know that sells that brand.  Nikki took my mascara!  she "borrowed" it.  there's a lot of stuff she borrowed that i will never get back.  **sigh**  but i have a nice pretty necklace she left here, and a few shirts i can wear at home.  cozy shirts.  it is as if we traded.  it is appalling but i actually miss her.  the memory of the nice her, before she did what she did, before i knew shat she was capable of doing.  damn.  i guess i am saying i miss the illusion i had.  for a time it did seem real.  for a time.  and so i have that odd disconnect that allows me to miss her in that way.  i find it very bizarre.  i loathe her but i miss her?  bizarre.  she is the bane of my existence but i miss her?  what the hell?  i feel very confused when i feel that.  very.  but i preferred loving someone to feeling what i feel now.  that seems to make sense to me.  of course i miss that.  to believing myself loved, as well.  yeah i guess it makes sense.

tomorrow i have household chores to do.  laundry and dusting and stuff.  but today i was gonna do nothing.  now i am going to go out.  run errands.  okay.  it seems odd that i want to but i will do that.  i got up early so it is a long day to do nothing.  and i seem to be getting in the habit of doing something!  weird.  this is a new habit!  really new!  i hope i am not just getting manic or something.  but so far i am okay.  so far.  **shivers**

my ex just called and invited me out to see a movie late this afternoon.  woah!  i said yes!  **shocked**  i never say yes to that kind of thing.  so now i have things to do today!  i told you i was always the last to know.  i like John, my ex.  he is so nice.  baffling, but very nice.  kind.  gentle.  puzzling but kind.  so we are going to the movies.  okay then!  now i am exiting the house twice today!  he is going to call me back in a few minutes to work out which movie and what time and such.  i am still stunned i am going anywhere.  i will have to meet him there and take the bus and all since he does not drive either.  i guess i am getting used to gimping around in a certain amount of pain.  when did that happen?  **scratches head** 

well off i go i guess... i have a lot to do now... this is so weird... anyway, i will have a good day... i am feeling happy... i guess.  just a little on tilt, as usual.  **blows kazoo**  i hope you guys have a good day!  take care.

xoxox
minxie

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well, a lot happened today.  i talked to a Detective Jung on the phone and we have a phone date for Tuesday to talk more.  but then later a woman who handles the domestic violence cases called and she was really nice.  her name is Laura.  i have an appointment to see her on Wednesday before PT.  at the Berkeley Police Station.  and she is going to go with me to the restraining order hearing on the 19th.  she also told me the odds are extremely unlikey that i will ever have to face Nikki in a Trial.  she said that like 90 % of these cases get pled down in pre-trials.  she said Nikki will be notified that the DA is pressing charges against her (and so am i, obviously ) in about two weeks, so my restraining order is coming through just in time.  she said she works with this Det. Jung, so she will meet with me too on Wednesday morning.  she said the whole process will take a few months.  like maybe three.  maybe less, maybe more, but around three months.  so i know a little more now.  she asked me a lot of questions, which i was able to answer honestly and get a chance to explain stuff about too.  it went very well.  they are taking this seriously!

i am totally exhausted now.  i outdid myself today.  i had a very heavy and intense session with Anna and it went very well.  i have a lot to do tomorrow but i will have Ray with me, thank goodness.  i feel like someone who is trying to stay in the eye of the hurricane as the hurricane is moving around. 

on the bus on my way home, a frightened young asian-american girl came up from the rear and sat next to me up by the driver.  she whispered to me that she was afraid of the woman in the back, the one with all the bags, and i looked around to see.  i saw her right away.  she was me, if...if...if...  the woman was my age, had lots of bags full of old papers and odd things that meant something only to her, and was babbling to herself.  i said to the girl, "she looks disturbed."  the girl said, "yeah.  the other day i saw her on the bus and she yelled at me to take my medication!"  i supressed my laughter.  i said, "well i bet that is something she has heard a lot herself.  cuz she clearly needs to take it!"  i told her i used to be a psych tech and worked with "these people".  this is a true statement.  what i did not say is that i WAS "these people".  that i was the woman in the back, kind of.  that i was not her just by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!  but why scare her further?  i ended up talking to her about how sad it was that there was not more funding for these folks cuz really with meds most would be okay, but they needed care and shelter and stuff.  we exchanged names and shook hands and chatted about social injustice.  it was surreal.  apparently she could not tell i was absolutely bonkers myself.  haha.  what a day.

so i came home then and made some soup and bread and ate that.  and now i am writing here, after taking my meds, with my Pigs playing behind me in their playpen.  i am blogging and emailing with friends.  tomorrow will be another big day.  but i feel better after talking with Laura.  she was really nice and very sympathetic.  very understanding.  reassuring.  so i am calmer now.  **remembers to breathe**  maybe i will make a friend or something at the 12 step meetings.  i will go to NA too, as well as the Dual Recovery Anonymous meetings.  i decided to cuz there are so many more of those meetings.  so i can go out to coffee after the meetings and stuff once i get to know some folks.  that would be a good thing for me.  **looking for the silver lining**

imma go rest my head now, before it falls off.  have a good night everyone.  take care.

xoxoxox
minxie

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well i finally cracked up today.  but not went nuts.  i started laughing.  i still am.  everything i am going through, everyday, talking to cops and detectives who now all know me by name and are like my friends or something, having daily trips to courthouses, having all the bank managers know me on sight and help me with the staggering paperwork i cannot fathom about the criminal case they are pursuing, spazzing out from the terror of it all, it finally all got to me as too funny today.  i have a phone date with Det. Jung on Tuesday.  in my head i keep calling it a play date for some reason.  haha.  i am not manic, though only the gods know why.  i am taking extra meds.  but i was home briefly, between sieges of things i was doing in the rain, and i was shaking with anxiety from it all, and i wondered aloud, "why am i so anxious?"  and then it hit me!  why?  WHY???  "i'll tell you why!" came my answer, and i started to list everything, and as i did i began to laugh so hard tears were flowing down my face from the laughing.  of freaking course i am anxious!  jeeeesus.  god the laughter saved me.  way better than even xanax.  it healed some breach in my soul.  i need this strange ability i have to laugh at the most dark shit.  i just better not start braying like a mule with laughter in Court!  which oddly i can imagine happening cuz once years ago i did that during a trial.

 i was like 20 and the victim of an assault by a stranger who threw some kind of acid in my eyes.  my partner got me real quickly to an ER and stopped on the way to rinse out my eyes, thereby saving my eyesight, the doctors later said.  at the time i was screaming and blind.  but Gary saw the car and the license plate (the stuff was tossed through my open car window) so they caught these fools fast.  i was blind for three months, with the bandages round my head and all, like in the movies.  and the day of the unwrapping, with everybody waiting to see if i could see, just like in the movies.  i was loaded on Percodans the whole time and was making my way around pretty well in the dark.  Gary was so kind.  i was picturing what kind of seeing eye dog i would get.  but i could in the end, see.  blurrily, but i had vision.  so there i was up on the big witness stand.  squinting at the little creep meth head looking guy who had done it to me.  turns out we had splashed mud on his car (it was in Seattle in the rain. duh.) in front of his girl and he took it as an insult.  i was astonished to learn this was his reason and i began to see the lunacy of it all and the weird high melodrama i had been through was because of this jerkwad?  i began to laugh on the stand.  i simply lost it for a minute.  the DA was so pissed.  they asked me what i thought his sentence should be and i had to really supress my laughter then.  i am not the one to ask that, if one knows me well.  but i struggled and said something sane sounding.  then i skidaddled off the stand.  so i best not do that again!

actually what i said was wise beyond my years.  i said that to send him (he was very young) to prison, which was what he was facing - prison, would only corrupt him more and he would leave prison worse than he entered.  i said that he should have to be on some kind of parole and have to work with the blind and do service for them and whatever else they could think of that might, maybe, teach him about compassion.  and have therapy and anger management classes.  i have no idea what his sentence finally was.  i was kind to him. 

i do not feel kindly toward Nikki.  she was supposedly my friend.  and she is lying now in her self defense.  so my kindness is out the window.  i doubt i get asked what her sentence should be, dammit.  i would mention the orange jumpsuit right off the bat!  jail time, parole, mandatory rehab, anger management classes, boy i could come up with a list.  but serving some real time first.  oh yeah.  and a really big butch Aryan Supremacist roomie.  oh i better stop now...

well my black sense of humor is serving me well today, thank the gods.  then i got a beautiful long email from someone at myspace, saying how much they cared about me and how special i am to them and so on, i won't say more cuz it was private, but it was an invitation to a special friendship.  i laughed and cried at the same time then.  i was so surprised.  she knows everything i have been going through, and now when i feel like i must be a social pariah, she extends herself to me and says how special i am to her.  it was simply stunningly amazing to me.  who am i?  what does she see?  i was so moved and touched.  it was very healing.  i wrote right back and accepted her kind offer.  it felt like such a Gift.  but smack dab in the middle of my terrifyingly weird day it seemed she must be off her rocker to want to be my friend.  i had to laugh and cry at the same time.  we have known each other for years, kind of, but it took this for us to really connect.

so, here i am.  soon i leave home once more to go out in the rain and catch a bus to get to my therapist's.  last week we filled out the restraining order forms.  this week i have filled out all the forms i need for now.  so we can just talk.  i feel like a reporter giving her updates on breaking news.  it is not exactly therapy.  maybe i can find a way to do both today somehow.  i need something more than updating her.  i need her to adopt me.  maybe i can find some kind of middle ground.  heh.

so i must get ready now and leave for that.  take care my friends, and learn from my hideous mistakes. 

xoxoxox
from the mad minx ~ 

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boy am i tired.  i went to PT today and worked out hard.  then i went to the Berkeley Courthouse and picked up some paperwork that tomorrow morning i have to deliver to the Sheriff at the big Courthouse in Oakland, so that the papers for the hearing on the Restraining Order can be served on Nikki.  i think they only mail the damn things.  the hearing in Court is on the 19th.  so she will have oodles of time to get a fancy lawyer.  and she can afford one.  i have none.  whatever.  this is just a prelude to the other case.  the criminal case.  so this just has the shit hit the fan early.  i do not see it helping me.  if i ever get to court on the other charges i have filed, well then it will matter.  kind of cart before horse now though.  **sigh**

but i am following through with everything as if i thought any of it made sense.  it is all out of my hands really.  she set this hideous wheel in motion.  not me.  i am just reacting.  and doing what i am told.  by folks who wear uniforms and carry guns.  i am being the good girl.  crap.  this sucks.  still, it is my Gauntlet to get through.  this is part of my karma.  but i hate it just the same.  there is nothing empowering about any of this shit.  there are lots of folks getting restraining orders, by the way.  i am in a long line every time i go to the window for more paperwork for one.  my new peer group.  one i could have lived without joining but oh well. 

so tomorrow i do that,and then i have to go see about more stuff the bank wants from me, more paperwork.  then i go see Anna, my therapist.  could one say therapy seems to be helping me?  haha.  ludicrous as it sounds though, it is helpful.  because, i have no idea why i am not in full manic mode right now, delusional and paranoid and bonkers.  so in the "it could be even worse" sense, yeah it is helping.  i need a strong presence in my life of someone who is helping me and cares.  and Anna does, she really does.  but in some bedrock sense, i am no different now from any other time in my life and no i am not any better.  i am just a batshit kind of person.  i am whacked out pretty much all the time.  always have been.  the evidence seems in on that much.  my judgment is for shit.  boundaries the same.  sense of self ditto.  it is a miracle i made it this far in life, really.  a freaking miracle.

so with that said, i am doing okay i guess.  my finances will be better this month.  i am hoping i make it to my birthday somehow, which is March 1rst, and that much of this is over by then.  i need to believe this Gauntlet Walking will come to an End.  so i am hoping by my birthday it will be mostly over with.  but who knows?  **sigh**

no telling when if ever i can get the knee operation now, what with my friend Ray permanently unable to help me now that he is on dialysis.  everything is up in the air on that score.  i live in an uncertain world and i hate it.  hate hate hate it.  but what to do?  i am waiting still to hear back from the government about the money i need to hire attendants and such.  in home health services... i am on permanent hold i guess. 

but i am lucky.  my rent went up a hundred dollars this month.  my dear ex-husband pays my rent, may the gods bless him.  without his aid, i would be living in People's Park with other homeless folks, pushing my shopping cart around all day, babbling to myself.  i see so many of these folks, my true peers, every time i go out, and i am always struck through with fear at how little separates me from them.  if my ex were to die, for instance, i would be shit out of luck, for there is no will with money awaiting me.  or if, well, if any little thing were to go wrong, in one month's time i could be out there with my cart, scared and alone and without any shelter or food.  knowing this is unsettling.  no wonder i feel a certain amount of constant anxiety.  no wonder!

so Lucky Me is Home now, feeling grateful, though scared.  a weird mixture of my various realities.  i am hungry.  i will make some soup, i think.  i will have a quiet, safe little evening at home.  play with my furbabies.  my loves.  watch TV.  treasure the boring sameness of my evenings, while i have them.  the wonderfulness of boring sameness is so under-rated!  well, i am cherishing mine now.  and i am eager to have oodles more of it.  that is what i want for the new year.  that is my wish...

take care folks... from the mad minx ~ 

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i am hanging out at Home and playing with my Pigs and feeling so content today for a change.  i just wanted to post a pic of my baby Pig Nigel.  i had to hand feed him from birth as he was a runt with four big brothers and his Mother only had two teats, as is the case with all Mother Guinea Pigs.  Nigel was very tiny and would never had lived without intervention.  he is coming along fine now though and is right behind me as i write this, playing in the playpen with his big brother Noodles.  ain't he cute?

xoxoxox

minxie

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