Wearing the Mask

Have a minute that I can actually write. Kids are doing their own thing right now so I can actually sit down for a minute. Things are going pretty good I guess. Had 1 problem with Joshua today but he has done allright since then. Have had pretty good days with him. Alannah has her tumbling class tonight. Hope she enjoys it. I'll be happy when they get their cheerleading outfits in. I'm anxious to see what they look like. Went to church yesterday. We had not been on Sunday or the Wednesday before that. I know we need to be there. Went well. Was happy to see everyone. I miss Lisa. I want to be close to her again but I don't know how. I'm always a very private person I guess and don't open up very much. Found out that I have to have surgery done on my bladder on August 9th. Not looking forward to that. It's just an overnight stay though so maybe it won't be to bad. The bad part will be having to stay catheterized for like 3 days after the surgery. I'm not looking forward to that at all. Well there's nothing else really going on right now. The kids have a special event at church tomorrow night so that will be fun for them. It will be every Friday for the next 3 more weeks I think. Daniel is doing better with his diabetes. He has been changing the foods that he eats and his blood sugar is doing allot better than it was. Well I guess that's about all for now.

April

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Haven't had any time to write at all. We stay so busy that by the time night time rolls around I am to tired to write. Have had some good days and some bad. Joshua was going through a really rough time there for a while. He's done allright I guess the past 2 or 3 days. Alannah had cheerleading practice today and got to swim afterwards. They went to a church event last night and enjoyed that. Daniel is still having allot of seizures here lately. It's hard to get him to wake up when he has one. Feels like this is going to be a long hot summer. That's for sure. I guess I'm doing allright. Have felt a liitle irritable the past 2 days. Nothing I can't handle but it's a yucky feeling inside. I don't really like being around people when I feel this way but what can you do ya know? I had a hard time at church last night. Feel like the odd one out. Felt like a 3rd wheel with Lisa and Wendy. I guess they are close to each other now. Lisa and I don't talk like we used to. Ever since we had left church for a little while things have been different. They used to have us over their house but we don't go over there any more. I miss having that special friend to talk to. Wendy was so sure to say how she only trust 2 people at all in her life and Lisa was one of them. She said that right in front of my face. It's not like I expect her to trust me. I don't talk to her anyways that much but it was rude the way she said it in front of me like that. I wouldn't trust her either for that matter. I keep my problems to myself. I don't really talk about them at all to anyone. And don't really care to. I trust Lisa cause I know she wouldn't say anything to anyone at least she never has done that ever before. I'm just not close to her anymore. I guess cause we miss church sometimes it makes us be the odd one's. People don't know what you go through though unless they are there. There are so many times that Daniel has a seizure that we can't come and I odn't always feel like telling everyone oh yeah Daniel had another seizure. It's embarassing to him and makes him feel badly. He already feels bad enough with out saying it. I don't know I just picked up vibes last night when I was there. Well that's all for now.

Aprill

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Well it's been kinda boring around here today but it's been a pretty good day. Took the kids skating last night so they enjoyed doing that. We had a great time. I think Joshua enjoyed himself the most. He skated for a long time. Usually he's ready to quit after 10 minutes but he had a boy help him out and show him how to skate so that made him feel good. Haven't really done much of anything today. The kids get so bored. Joshua has been having a rough time emotionally. He even slept for about 2 hors today and he usually only does that here when he's feeling a little depressed. He has acted out some. My bipolar is doing well right now. I am not having any episodes at this point in time so that's good. After that 1 episode went away of having the bad thoughts for a few days nothing has returned. Just sticking to my medicine and keep on taking it. I know that I can't quit that's for sure. I am thankful though that there are meds to help out with this disorder. I don't know what people did before these meds were invented. I geuss that's why there were so many suicides in allot of famous people with bipolar. Well I guess there's really nothing exciting to tell at this point in time.

April

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Has been a slow day today but a pretty good one. A few probs with Joshua today but they have been taken care of easily for the most part. Getting ready to go spend some special time with Justin today. I took Joshua, Alannah, and now it's Justin's turn. We are going to see Spiderman 3. Have made a new friend who has a son that's 13 in a residential program due to his violence. We talked for a while. She is helping me get into the program Continum of Care for Joshua. They will send therapist out to your home to work with the child and the entire family. That would be wonderful. Well i guess that's all for now.

April

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Have had some rough times with Josh. He wouldn't go to bed last night till almost midnight again. We have put him to bed early tonight so if he wants to stay awake maybe it won't be midnight when he finally goes to sleep. Don't know what else to do. It hasn't been a terrib;e day though thankfully. Just a hard time sometimes. Took Alannah to cheerleading practice today. She had a great time. Will get fitted tomorrow for her uniform. Daniel had his MRI and is hooked up to his EEG now. That went well. I guess that's about all for now. Not much time to write here lately.

April

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Have had no time to write here lately. Has been a really rough day today. Every time Josh goes with his dad he comes back in a horrible way and treats us like dirt. He is under the impression that we are supposed to buy him whatever he wants and take him to movies all the time because every time his dad gets him he spends those 2 days giving him everything he wants and buying his love. Yes that ticks me off. Joshua has cussed us for everything we are worth today and then some. He's had a really rough day. It has to get better I keep telling myself. Getting ready to go to church tonight. Hope everything will go allright. Joshua didn't go to bed last night till almost midnight so we are wore out. He just would not go to sleep. His dad sleeps with him and we don't do that so it makes it hard on Joshua when he comes back home. By the time he gets used to not having someone to sleep with he has to turn around and go back over there with him. Sometimes I really wish that his dad would jsut step out of his life for good and mine too. I hate talking to him and dealing with his garbage. Well I have to leave for church right now. Maybe I can write again soon.

April

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Has been a long day today but a pretty good one. Had a few problems with Joshua today but for the most part it was really good. Daniel will get his tests next week for the MRI and the take home EEG. His new doctor got things done in a hurry for him and I like that. I have to go to the doctor that did my hysterectomy in 2 weeks to make sure that where I had cervical cancer that it hasn't spread anywhere else. I am a little nervous about that I must admit. I am scared that what if it's spread to my ovaries or somewhere else. I guess I shouldn't worry but I am. Well I am feeling better though. The bad thoughts finally disappeared so I'm glad for that. If it wouldn't have went away I was going to the doctor this week. Well I guess that's really all for now. Gotta go get the kids ready for bed and boy that's a chore most of the time.

April

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Have had some rough days here these past few days. Joshua doesn't want to listen to anything we have to say at all. Bedtime royally sux. He wants to get up and run around and stuff. Justin hasn't been much better at bedtime either. Alannah is the only one that goes to bed when she is told to. We are really having a tough time. REALLY TOUGH!!! I am ready to screammmmmmm. I just need to get away from this for a while. I'm sure Daniel feels the same way too. I really don't have much to say right now. Have just been so busy I can't keep up with my writing. Never have time to do so. I guess that's all for now.

April

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Had a good day today. Took Joshua to his therapist and his dad picked him up from there. We took Alannah and Justin to the park this evening and they met some kids and played football with them and had a great time. Went out to Pizza Inn afterward. Other than that we haven't really done anything else today but hang around the house. BORING!!! Everyone is doing well thankfully. Joshua has really been doing good here lately. His mood truly has improved. It's good to see him smiling some. He has a tough time still but he is handling things in a better way. Well I guess that's about it for today.

April

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Have had a good day today. Alannah spent the night with her grandma last night and she came home eariler today. The boys have been pretty good for us thankfully. Daniel has been sick today though. I am doing well thankfully. We are just trying to keep the kids busy with school being out it's tough cause they get bored. Mentally I am doing very well. Have not had any episodes with my bipolar in a while so that's a good thing. Now if it will just stay that way we'll be doing good. Joshua has been doing pretty good. He has his moments but overall he seems to be doing much better than he was. Well I geuss there's really not much to tell. It's a little boring being at home every day since school let out. Alannah will start her summer program soon and cheerleading starts soon too so she will be busy. Now what can I do for the boys? We'll just have to go places with them like the park or the YMCA. Well I guess that's about all for now..

April

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