black is not the absence of color

5:46:45 AM EDT

NO ENTRY, JUST WANTED TO LOOK AT AND ADMIRE THIS LOVELY TAG BY  CONNIE

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7:13:24 PM EDT
Feeling Annoyed
Hearing max and ruby

M y mariko has not spoken to me since I let her beloved Autumn go to live with her dad.
mariko thinks that I am making a test kid out of Autumn. She thinks I am letting Gottfried practice being a dad at Autumns expense. Already she is predicting that her little sisters  life will be ruined by drugs and teen age pregnancy. She got really mad at me when I told her that I did not think she had the right to criticize me.
Over the years since mariko has been on her own she has made little time for me. Holidays and birthdays of course , i have to agree she never missed them. Some times , she would be the only one of the oldest to spend that time with me and the the younger ones here at the pooh house. I am not saying I dont appreciate that.
is it too much to ask that a grown of offspring call once a month? Mariko says that when she was coming here to pick Autumn up for an activity she was visiting me at the same time. To be honest I never knew that she considered that visiting me. Somtimes she would come in for a few minutes while she waited for Autumn to get ready to leave. Most of the time she would pull up and honk because they were usually late  for whatever it was they had to do. I cannot recall her ever having driven down here just to visit me. Junie lived not far from me and she would often drive there to visit her.
yet Mariko thinks that I am being unfair and unappreciative. 
She also thinks that I am taking out on Autumn that Junie broke my heart .
 i admit that I got a wake up call by junie's refusal to speak to  me.  We use to laugh at their father leroy and say that it was his loss that the girls did not want him to be a part of his grandson's lives. He  has never seen the youngest.
Now I am in the same boat as leroy. I doubt that Elijah even knows who I am . His mother has been estranged from me for most of his life.
I wanted to be more of a part of my grandsons life. It just did not work out that way for me.
My teruko would visit more often or call if she had time. Trying to get her p.h.d and raising a child and being an attentive wife all at the same time takes all of her time and energy. I have no idea if I could manage that myself.
I am happy that they are close to each other. The two young mothers babysit for each other and let the boys spend the night back and forth. My grandsons  spend a lot of quality time with each other. Even mariko babysits her nephews. She and the other two sisters go places together . I sometimes feel left out, I admit.
I dont complain . It would do no good. They would get vindictive and defensive and I would really be shut out further.
mama and I had a rocky relationship for years. All I ever wanted from her was to stop criticizing me and comparing me to my sister. Am i quilty of cririsizing my girls too much.?
mama calls me regularly and I call her too. She is 79 and drives herself anywhere she gets a notion to go. She hates to just in her apartment at the center and watch t.v. like the "old Ladies". lol
At one point we went to the thrift store and worked on projects to make  seasonal wreaths for the doors of the residents at the center. Then I borrowed her handicap sign for the car. She had 2. she asked for it back and gave it to my sister. it was supposedly for her husband. We all love and admire him so I said I understood. My feelings were so hurt.
I had enjoyed using the sign to get closer parking. I have an orthopedic defect in that one of my legs is slightly longer than the other. Now that I am older and overweight it cause back pain and hip pain for me to walk on hard surfaces like the ones in the stores. I usually get a scooter once inside.
mama knows of this since she was the one who had me fitted for those horrible orthopedic shoes when I was growing up. They were hideous black and white brogans. I had to apply white shoe polish to them every night.
I longed to wear the cute cheap shoes that were in stlye. My ugly ones cost a small fortune, but then they NEVER wore out. lol
After she took back the sign to give o my sister I angrily stopped inviting mama to go places with me.
God worked on my heart and I forgave her and re_established our relationship.
Since you reap what you sow, I know I had it coming back to me from my own daughters. I also know how wonderful it felt to forgive my mama for hurting my feelings and to once more be able to hug her and tell her that I love her and really feel it and mean it.
When we see each other I hug her so hard she laughs !
Thank you God for my mama!

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8:13:23 AM EDT
Feeling Adventurous

My friend Jack says that he sometimes has trouble sleeping. When this happens he ponders things. I never have trouble sleeping. Sleep is my escape from pondering.
I welcome sleep for it shuts off my concious mind.
My mind is active during sleep. The reality it turns on is a much more pleasant reality than that of my awake reality.
I suppose the reason for this is that the reality that I dream is more of my own choosing. There are less random variables in my sleeping reality.
In  my dreams, I am in charge, I am the creator.
I create an existence in witch there are few limitations on my physical and mental abilities. There is no pain, no worry , no fear.
If there is a problem I solve it with ease. No obstacle is to great to overcome.
Whatever persons other than myself occupy my dreams , act more in accord as to how I want them to.
If there is a disagreement , it is resolves, happily , easily without ill effects.
I have not had a nightmare yet.  No monsters, no disasters, in my dreams.
A nightmare to me is when I loose or cannot interact with someone important to me. Most of the time the people in my dreams may have a corresponding person in my awake life but their faces are not familiar.
In my dreams the people that I work with or live with are not the same as those that  I actually know. I have always wondered why this is so.
I wonder why I never dreamed of my first husband. Not while married to him or after. Was my mind denying his existence? Then the same occured concerning my second husband.
The children are sometimes in my dreams. They are the children as they were long ago. They dont have jobs or husbands or children of their own. It is as though  my mind is denying that they have grown up.
In my mind it seems the world is as I wish it to be.
When I awake I still remember the world of my dreams and resent being awake again.
i once said to my April, " why oh why did I have to wake up? why cant I stay asleep?
She said, mama that called being dead!

 

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12:28:29 AM EDT
Feeling Enlightened
Hearing THE GOODNIGHTSHOW

I watched a good movie today. The woman was a sex addict. Although she was married , she kept having affairs with other men. Her best friend gave her the number for a therapist.
During the course of her therapy  it was revealed that she had been abused by her father from the age of five years old.The therapist told her that her sex addiction was a result of her self hatred . She hated herself for the betrayel of her mother . Even though her father was to blame she felt as though she were a bad person for allowing her father to sexually abuse her.
Having illicit sex made her feel powerful with men. It also made her feel numb to her feelings of self hate. The numbness led to more sexual behavior so that she could feel alive again. It became a neverending cycle. I thought it was so sad when she said that she could not stop her behavior because if she did she would feel as though she did not exist.
A light bulb went off in my head. I too hated myself for so many years. i have had therapy several times. Not once was I told that i hated myself. The last time I went to a therapist it was because of my addiction to gambling.
She focused on my depression and thoughts of suicide. I told her that i wanted to stop gambling but she seemed to think that the gambling was a symptom of the depression.Maybe , maybe not.
I only knew that I felt alive when I gambled. win or loose it did not matter. i felt powerful , and purposeful.
It all began when I got a large tax return in the mail. I had intended to take the money and drive as far as i could to another city, another state and never contact my family again. I really wanted to be dead, so I figured this would be a type of death to the life that I was living. and to the people in my life. I told myself that the children would be better off without me.  I felt that I was only a burden to my mother and sister. No one would miss me if i were gone or dead, it really did not matter.
For some reason I stopped at an arcade off the main highway. I thought i would just relax with a game and get my thoughts and plans together. Instead i got drawn into the games. I had enough money to play to my hearts content. It seemed I had found a reason to exist. I would not call it living, just existing. .
I took to gambling like a duck to water. It was surreal how every aspect of gambling, the sights, the sounds, the  other people who frequented the arcade became my whole world.
I could have gone on like that forever.I did not care about myself. I missed my children, but I felt I had stooped tou low to return to them. I looked back at what I had been as a mother and it seemed unreal and meaningless to me. It seemed as though  I had been pretending to be a real person, a wife, a mother, but none of it was real because I was not a real person. for most of my life I have felt like a ghost passing through the land of the living.
After the gambling ceased to extinguish all of my pain, fear and disillusionment , I had no hope left. I .cried out to God , I begged Him to see me , to hear my torment and to snatch me back from destruction.
And just like that I lost all desire to gamble. The fact  that God loved me and cared about me just as I was turned my mind around. I no longer hated myself and  stop wanting to self destruct. I felt like a real person instead of an immitation person.
Now it is not hard for me to be aware of God's love and care. That peace that passes all understanding is so real. I dont know how or why , its just there, like a guiding light or a shelter in a storm. This new feeling was like  how a person feels when they have had a cold or the flu for so long and one day wake up and it's gone. You take a deep breath  just to check to see if you really are well. Then after so many good  minutes you realize, yes it's true, I am  really well! It's gone!
I finally found what I needed. Other people and other things , no matter who or what ,  can never fill the need for God's love .

\

Embrace the truth that God has not given you a spirit of fear, but POWER, LOVE and a SOUND MIND. (2 Timothy 1:7)  This is already done.  You have this power in you. BELIEVE that power is in you. Ephesians 3:20 saysGod is able to do exceeding abundantly above all we can ask or think ACCORDING TO THE POWER that is at work within you.  There is power in you that enables God to do beyond what we can ask or think.    Give God something to work with.  You have to THINK and ASK.  Since He can do BEYOND, we have to at least give Him a base to begin with.  We limit God when we don’t think big and ASK big.    Recognize and honor the Holy Spirit in you.  Acts 1:8 says, “You shall receive POWER when the Holy Spirit comes upon you...”  Again, this power (dunamis=dynamite) is already in you.  Thank God for the Holy Spirit in you. Romans 8:11 says, ‘the very same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lives in you.’   Take the limits off. Don’t limit God.  Psalm 78:41 says that the children of Israel LIMITED the Lord.  They limited Him, because they DID NOT REMEMBER His power (verse 42).  We free God’s hand to bless when we REMEMBER HIS PREVIOUS BLESSINGS.  Psalm 103 says to not forget His benefits.      EXPECT!  Never underestimate the power of expectation.  Expect today for God’s power to strengthen you; expect to be led by His Spirit today.  We limit what God can do in our lives, when we lower our expectations.    Embrace your power:  the power to forgive and be forgiven (John 20); the power to heal (Mark 16:20); the power to speak the Word and get results (Job 22:28)  Think It and Say It: God has not given me a spirit of fear, but power, love and a sound mind.    I have POWER in my life right now.  Through the Holy Spirit in me, I have the power to overcome sin; the power to change my life for the better, the power to be healed; the power to forgive; the power to praise God no matter what; the power to speak God’s Word and see His promises show up in my life.   I will think big and ask big, and therefore the POWER OF GOD’S SPIRIT WITHIN ME, will bring it to pass in my life.       I choose to remember what God has already done which takes the limits off of my life and my expectations.  I expect favor today, wisdom, understanding, and God’s blessing! I can’t wait to talk with you, again, tomorrow. In His love, Gregory Dickow

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4:46:32 AM EDT
Feeling Sad
These flowers are a brilliant red. There is no doubt about that.
In the dark of night , they are still as brilliantly red.
It only takes the return of the light to reveal that red once again.
Even if I close my eyes and refuse to behold the beauty of their color , they would still shine forth their beauty.
Is it so with love?
If I stand here beaming forth my love and you stand there , eyes covered refusing to see,
Is my love not as brilliant , not as real?
And even though it be real , of what does it matter if you will not see it and I cannot see it's brilliance reflected in your eyes?

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12:03:28 AM EDT
Feeling Silly

I was talking to my sister yesterday. She told me that I was going to be 54 on my birthday in May. I totally missed my 53rd year on earth. I have been saying I was 54 since my last birthday! Dont know how I got that stuck in my mind that I was 54! Must have been daylight saving time that confused me? lol
No wonder I look so good for my age!  lol
The only reason she corrected me was because I was telling her that she will be 53 on April 21st. She will actually be 52. my April was born on april 22nd, which was actually on the day my sister was celebrating her birthday back in the states. Had we been in america my daughter would have been born on my sister's birthday.
When we were little my mama would have one birthday party for the  both of us. My birthday is May 21st. I seldom got a celebration on my actual birthday.
I had to admit that it was a big , elaborate party . My mama was always fond of decorating and having great get togethers.
Now she is 79 years old. When I remind her of parties she threw or special things that she would cook or bake, she just laughs and says "I dont remember that ".
Recently my Mama's family had a nice party for her on her 75th birthday. It was the first birthday party she had ever had! That kind of put things in perspective for me. I had them a month ahead but at least I had them!
My girls always make a bigger deal out of my birthday than I do. If they decide to celebrate it this year I will appreciate it. Up until now I never cared that I had another year of living.The credit that I now enjoy living totally goes to Jesus. He changed my heart towards my gift of life. It used to be more of a curse to me that I was alive.
I lived until now with the idea that I would have better off not being born.I have always thought of myself  as a mistake my mother made. I probaly am her mistake but now I realize I was never God's mistake. He has a purpose for my life. Finally I have forgiven her and do not have bitterness in my heart that she gave birth to me and then gave me away.
I also had bitterness that my mama adopted me and took me from Japan and brought me here to America.
I thought of myself as nothing more than a souvenir she brought back. Worse things have happened to children. It may have not been my choice . Children do not have a choice in critical decisions involving theirwelfare. Since I have finally learned that my life is God's will , I have let go of the resentment I felt. I hold in my heart the scripture that says all things work for good for those that love the Lord.

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5:37:02 AM EDT
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing WORSHIP NETWORK

 

 

Gentle breezes,quiet nights of solitude, wind so soft it stirs |
but does not move my windchimes
to sound

now moves my soul,
faith so strong, joy so fierce,
the sound of which replaces the silence of the chimes
All praise and honor to the  Lord my God
And so begins my day             

      Thank You Connie, April put the picture you made  for me in here!  You are amazing!                               

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9:39:26 PM EDT
Feeling Ecstatic
Hearing CREATION SCAPES


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12:27:09 PM EST
Feeling Chillin'

I try not to be a cynic.It gets harder with age. lol
When I was young ,and new, i believed in the inherent goodness of humanity. i always thought that there were good people 'out ther' even though i had not been fortunate to meet many.
Over the years I am less inclined to think so.that is what makes it so miraculous when i do meet the good ones. They should be cherished and encouraged because they are a treasure.
I have learned that just because I expect the best from someone,i might not necessarily receive the best. Also, being human, even the best have their 'bad 'days. Lord knows that I do!
i have learned that intellingence and good intententions dont always quarantee a good outcome , so surely ignorance and hostlity are not the only causes for atrocity, for  cruelty  by man toward fellow man. Einstein saw his theory of   E =Mc2  used with devastating consequences by physicist who created the atom bomb. he first wrote a letter to president Roosevelt urging him to support creation of the bomb in order to beat the germans to it.    in the 1930's the natzi's had several scientist working out the problems they first encountered trying to create energy from matter and create a bomb. Once the german's surrendered Einstein was appalled, when the government employed their new weapon upon the japanese. 6/10 th's of a gram of matter produced the energy to kill 70,000 people immediately and another 70,000 died of fire and radiation poisoning. 80 to 90 % of the buildings in Hiroshima were destroyed. Even the following generation of children born had birth defects related to the bomb being dropped.
Einstein  ,a self- proclaimed pacifist ,stated that he regretted his letter to the president urging him to support developement of the bomb. Here is an intellegent man who saw the results of something he believed would benefit mankind ,used for devastation. He had brought out the theory but it was actually Leo Szilard who figured out the theory to use the neutron to bombard the atom to create a chain reaction of tremendous energy.
Even though I am an american. I wonder what would have been our governments retalliation on the terrorist had they killed as many people and destroyed as many buildings in their attack of 9/11? What would we feel if innocent women and children had been killed or suffered birth defects as a result? everybody knows war is hell, but still? Did japan have it coming to them? Did america?

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1:58:22 AM EST
Feeling Happy
Hearing THE ANTICHRIST (on history channel)

My last entry was on food. I learned a lot more about life than just food in Italy.
Not long after I got to italy i found I was pregnant again.Mrs.Cavallo came upstairs and sugested I go to a doctor and get an abortion.She was a catholic so this really shocked me.She said that italian women did get abortions despite what the pope said! Since she lived downstairs she had heard many of my husbands tirades. Since I already had two littles girls only 2 years apart she felt that if I had another child ,I would  be stuck in my situation. I knew that she was probably right.
 I got a really great job as an assitant teacher at the daycare center on base. The teacher was an Italian national.She was very qualified for the job, however she did not get along with the american wives who had worked with her in the past. they would often be resentful that an american was was not in charge of a daycare that taught american children. She had a very thick accent .Many times parents would brush by her and attempt to discuss things concerning their child with me. I would always tell them that barbara was the director and step aside. barbara was actually very dedicated  to the children. She began to let me read the stories sometimes since parents complained that their children were coming home speaking 'funny'. We got along so great that when I had to take time off to have my baby, she held my job for me to return.
I was able to take my baby to the daycare so that I could go back to work. little Junie had not started kindergarten yet so mrs. Cavallo offered to babysit her there at the villa. I thought that junie would loved being spoiled by her so I agreed .

However one day the military police showed up at my job to take me to headquarters to investigate why my child had been picked up by the carabenerri (spelling?) . She had been spotted while walking the Italian countryside alone. lol  Who knew something like that was hereditary? had I not done the same thing years ago in japan? She had simply walked out the front door when Mrs. Cavallo was not looking! since she was  the age that i had in my class I was not allowed  to let her come to the daycare.
I gave up my job and stayed with the children until we moved on base.That was sad for me because I enjoyed living as they say"on the economy".many of the wives could not wait to move up the list for base housing. In fact they hated living in the cities and would haul their children to the base when their husbands went  to work. There was a rec. center that they congregated in . it had a television and they could watch the armed forces network. The soap operas from about two months previous were shown  as well as a few game shows and news and sports. I spent as little time in that place as I could. There was much bickering and gossip going on. lol
When I got junie into kindergarten I took a job substitute teaching  for the department of defense, in the high school .
It was steady work but not everyday. I enjoyed having my own money. I was able to take tours to pompeii and the isle of Capri ,sorrento, and the blue grotto.
I sometimes went shopping in downtown Brindisi . The boutiques and restaurants were marvelous.  Though I was not much of a shopper, I  love to taste different foods and try out new restaurants. The only extravagant item I bought was a pair of gucci sunglasses.I paid over a hundred dollars, american, for them. That was almost 25 years ago . they probably cost thousands now. lol
Though we were not hurting for money, my husband got a job as a waiter at the N.C.O. club so that he could be near his first love, liqour. i had my own monet so sometimes I would hire a babysitter and go to the club. That turned out to be disagreeable to him because he could not flirt with the women he was interested in. I did not drink but I liked to dance.The young soldiers who where newly arrived would show me the latest dances that were popular back home. It was not long before my husband began to accuse me of being interested in more than dancing.
I usually sat with other wives or couples that we were friendly with. One of my friends asked me to walk her to the door so she could run get her son from daycare before they closed . She planned to take him to a neighbors and come back. My husband followed me  and said thatIi was probably meeting some guy. He wanted to argue and I did not.Since he  helped himself to the drinks he said the bartender treated him to ,I knew there was no use arquing with him. As I turned to walk away he grabbed a beer bottle off of his tray and hit me in the head with it. I had to be taken by ambulance to Brindisi  to have 6 or 7 stitches.
The military police took pictures of my injury and threatened to court martial my husband . He was secretary to the base commander ,so instead I was given my orders to be sent back to the states. they said I was uncontrolable and a threat to his military career.
He did not want to loose his housing priveledges so he pulled favors to  send me home without my 2 oldest little girls.
While waiting  for my orders to be cut I traveled as much as I could and  shopped for souvenirs. The single guys heard the gossip of what had happened to me and felt no loyalty to my husband an began to ask me out on dates . I was still young and had nothing to loose any more. So  I did go out to the beaches and the restaurants and the discos with a new bunch of younger, wilder friends.
Believe it or not ,the wives who had been my friends were already avoiding me. I heard from a friend who  kept in touch by letters that they felt sorry for my husband and combed my children's hair for him , cooked and babysat.
I took my baby, then 2 years old, and went to my dad's in alabama and nearly lost my mind with worry for my other 2  darlings so far away. But God did not abandon me.
After 3 months of freedom to do exactly as he pleased, my husband ran through his babysitters and alienated the "normal" married people. He began to leave the girls home alone and got in trouble for that.  The Air force encouraged him to send the children to me.  They put them in the care of a female soldier who was returning home  and  my dad and I picked them up at the airport.
Once he was living in the barracks , he became just another guy and the girls lost interest  in him. His drinking got out of hand. Soon  they cut his tour of duty short and sent HIM back to the states. No need to tell you that he showed up like a bad penny at my front door.

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