WATCHING MY SISTER....DISAPPEAR

Hey Peggy,

The heart cath was last Tuesday and I got very good news.......

Everything is clear and I am fine. I sure was scared!!!!!

I knew that you were with me.      Thanks!

 

Today was my birthday. I thought about you today and the birthday calls we shared over the years.

What a birthday gift it would have been to pick up the phone and hear you singing Happy Birthday to You........Happy Birthday to You....

What a gift it would have been to hear your voice again.

Those gifts of birthdays past are gone but my memory is a gift that you do not possess any longer.

It may sound a little strange but I did hear your birthday wishes to me today.

They rushed over me like a wave on the ocean.

Memory is a beautiful, cherished gift.

You taught me that, Peggy. Thank you for the beautiful gift!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

mlrhjeh at 10:29:16 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 7 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Dear Peggy,

I am going into the hospital on Tuesday morning.  How I wish that

I could talk with you.

The sound of your voice and the way you reassured me in times of

uncertainty is something that cannot be replaced.

I will have a Cardiac catheterization. It is a test to see if my heart is functioning properly

and if all my arteries are open.  I am scared, Peggy.

Years ago, I could have called you and you would have come to be here with me.

I will miss having you here but I am thankful for my husband and family who

will be here.

I will miss knowing you are here. I will miss knowing that you care.

I will miss knowing that your prayers are mine but most of all..........

I miss knowing that you remember who I am.

I know that time, space, disease or anything can erase our sister-hood and the depth of care that we have always felt for one another.

Somewhere, inside of your mind is a little place that remembers...Mary Louise and how frightened she can get at times.

Somewhere inside of your mind is a small place that will be thinking of me on Tuesday morning. I just know it.................

In my heart!

 

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

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My silence has not meant that I don't still have a lot to say.  

It means that sometimes there are just no words left to

describe what it is like to watch someone you

love disappear.

Alzheimer's disease not only numbs the mind of

the person who is afflicted with the disease......

It numbs the minds of those who watch.

For years, I thought that a cure or break through was just months or years away.

There have been bright spots in research and I still have hope for Peggy. But that hope is starting to feel some numbness.

I don't visit the early stage of the disease as it took over her mind as often as I did before.

If I go there, I visit for a short while......I remember her frustration, her fear,

her questioning.

I will never forget the morning that she called, hesitated and finally asked the name of the white stuff that you put on cereal.

I thought she was joking but realized that she was serious and was to embarrassed to ask her husband.

We shared many calls like that one as she began to forget.

She finally did forget but I have all of those painful calls stored in my memory.

We talked several times a day for years and then

one day, the phone didn't ring and there were no more

calls from my sister.....ever again.

She had forgotten how to use the telephone.

 Sometimes, numbness would be welcomed as I think of Peggy and her decent into this disease of the mind.

As long as I continue to remember, I will remember my athletic, active and intelligent sister.

I will remember the way she was before she began to disappear, before her mind was frozen into numbness.

Some people make the world special just by being in it.....

Peggy is one of those people who remain special... Even in numbness.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

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Peggy is about the same. A little worse in mood swings but eating and walking.

Her husband called while he was visiting with her last week and I heard her whisper something in the phone to me. I wish I could  have understood what she was saying.

But at least, I got to hear her voice. That is a rare occurrence now.

I kept telling her that I loved her today and he said she got a huge smile on her face.

Amy Li said; Having a sister is like having a best friend that you can't get rid of. You always know whatever you do, they'll still be there.

There was a time when I thought that was a true statement....Until.......................

I started Watching My Sister Disappear.

 PEGGY, MARY LOUISE, BETTY JEAN, BARBARA ANN

                                                   OUR DADDY

I love you today, Peggy!

Mary Louise 

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Peggy had a birthday on February 13th.

Mother always said she was her Valentine baby. She was our whole families Valentine.

I thought of her on her day and remembered all of the past birthdays that she was privileged to have and remember.

This one was a special birthday. A milestone birthday. Her husband took her a cake and had her blow out a candle.......

 But to Peggy..........

It was just another day.

Another day of living with people in a nursing facility that she doesn't know.

Another year of having someone that she doesn't remember say........

Happy birthday, Peggy!

Another day of trying to figure out what a birthday is......what a cake is...what a candle is.....and.....

Who these people are!

I Love you Today, Peggy!

Happy Birthday

 

Mary Louise

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Grief is an on going process. You never get finished as I have realized.

I find myself back at the door of anger.

Peggy is gone but still here. Missing but present.

I hate what this disease has done to my beautiful sister.

I hate what this disease has done to me.

Sometimes, I feel numb when I think of Peggy and other times....

I'd like to shake her and say...Wake up, stop it!

Life keeps moving forward and I find myself right back at

another of the revolving stages of grief.....Anger.

It is like living in the movie "Ground Hog Day".

I am glad you cannot know or feel how angry I am at you tonight, Peggy.

I am just tired, tonight.

Tired of knowing you are there but you are not.

I love you today anyway, Sister.        

Mary Louise

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There is a lot going on in my world, Peggy.

How I wish that I could talk with you!

I wonder what is going on in the world you live in and

if you wish you could talk with me.

I miss you tonight.

I miss being able to talk life over with you.

I am very thankful for the old times but.....

We should have had "right now" too!

I send my prayers to surround you tonight.

I feel your prayers around me as I write.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

I miss you and your wisdom.     

Mary Louise

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THE NEW YEAR OF 2008.

ANOTHER YEAR OF DEALING WITH THE DISAPPEARANCE OF PEGGY.

ANOTHER YEAR OF TRYING TO MAKE SOME SENSE OF IT.

ANOTHER YEAR OF WATCHING HER DISAPPEAR.

ALL IS NEVER LOST OR FOR NOTHING..

MY, OH MY, WHAT I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF AS PEGGY CONTINUES HER LONG JOURNEY.

I HAVE STUBBORNLY HELD ON TO THE OLD PEGGY, NOT WANTING HER TO GO.

I HAVE PRAYED, CRIED AND REMEMBERED BUT SO FAR HER JOURNEY INTO ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE CONTINUES.

SOMETIMES, WHAT WE WANT, IS NOT WHAT IS THE BEST FOR US.

BECAUSE OF PEGGY'S JOURNEY, I AM A BETTER PERSON.

I HAVE LEARNED THAT HOLDING ON IS NOT ALWAYS THE KIND OR HEALTHY THING TO DO.

I WILL KEEP HER CLOSE WITH OPEN HANDS NOW.

PEGGY'S JOURNEY AND MINE WILL CONTINUE IN 2008.

WHAT WILL I LEARN THIS NEW YEAR BECAUSE PEGGY CONTINUES TO DISAPPEAR?

I HOPE THAT I WILL LEARN THAT I AM NOT IN CONTROL...... NEVER HAVE BEEN AND NEVER WILL BE........I WILL LEARN TO LET GO. WHEN I HANG ON, I CANNOT GROW.

I AM HERE TO LEARN, CHANGE AND GROW IN WAYS THAT I NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE.

 AND PEGGY WILL CONTINUE TO BE MY TEACHER.

 

I LOVE YOU TODAY, PEGGY!

I MISS YOU.

MARY LOUISE

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   MERRY CHRISTMAS,

PEGGY!!!!!

I MISS YOU AND YOUR SMILE.

I MISS YOUR LAUGHTER.

I MISS HAVING YOU IN MY LIFE AT CHRISTMAS.

BUT I HAVE SO MUCH MORE THIS CHRISTMAS THAN YOU DO!

I HAVE MY MEMORIES.

WHEN YOU STARTED LOSING YOUR MEMORIES TO ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE, I REALIZED JUST HOW PRECIOUS MEMORIES ARE.

YOU GAVE ME THE GIFT OF BEING IN MY LIFE FOR 40 YEARS.

WHAT A WONDERFUL GIFT.

HELEN KELLER SAID;

THE BEST AND MOST BEAUTIFUL GIFTS IN THE WORLD CANNOT BE SEEN OR EVEN TOUCHED.

THEY MUST BE FELT WITH THE HEART......

YOU ARE IN MY HEART THIS CHRISTMAS AND ALWAYS.

WHAT MORE CAN A SISTER ASK!!!!

I LOVE YOU TODAY, PEGGY!

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THIS SIDE OF MEMORIES.

PEGGY JANE

MARY LOUISE

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Hey Peggy,

Christmas is always hard without you.

We had some grand times growing up this time of year.

If somewhere...somewhere in your soul, you remember Christmas at 1805 St Charles Court....I smile!

I hope you remember the love of our family at Christmas.

 Just a little part of it........ Any part of it.

We had such fun. So many laughs.

 

Daddy and Mother sitting in chairs. Daddy passing out the gifts.

Paper flying....

Laughter and squeals.

Happy times together as a family!

Happy times together as Sisters.

I miss those Christmases, Peggy.

I miss Mother and Daddy.

AND....

I miss you........ At Christmas and always.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THIS SIDE OF CHRISTMAS MEMORIES.

Wherever you are......

I send you my love.

Merry Christmas....2007!

Mary Louise

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