Unhappily Ever After

Escape. That is what I needed to do, and it's what I did, only it wasn't by choice, at least at first it wasn't. At the time I just didn't know for how long. Those that know me, know that I am not the type of person to just take off and abandon my journal and my friends, yet it's funny how so many people that I wasn't very close with reached out and showed concern over my absence. Kind of gives a new meaning to friendship. I was very touched and from the bottom of my heart, I thank those of you who cared enough and took the time to email me or to leave an extra comment.

It just amazes me how powerful the mind is and how it works. It knows how to protect us when we need it and it knows when to shut down or when to shelter us from painful memories that we are not able to face at the time, or are strong enough to deal with, but even so - there is only so much pain that we can be sheltered from, and only so much pain that our mind and heart can cope with before we eventually fall apart. Only a couple of people know this, but the reason why I haven't made an entry in my journal in such a long time is because I suffered a mental breakdown a couple of months ago. I am still struggling, and even though it feels like a losing battle, I'm still trying to fight this depression demon that has taken up residence in my mind and body. One thing I do know for sure is that I'll never be the same again and that really scares me.

My breakdown was bound to happen sooner or later with everything that I've been going through for the past couple of years, but for the past few months it has just been one thing after another. The betrayal that I referred to in my Dec. 15, 2006 entry is what led to my breakdown, and even though it is time for me to let it out, I'll have to get into that in my next entry, because right now I have so much more going on.Even after my breakdown things have continued to happen in my life that have just made me wonder, "HOW MUCH MORE?!?

My husbands recovery after his surgery was not as smooth as we had hoped. He suffered for days afterwards and at times the pain was worse than before the surgery. It was awful. He finally did pass that stubborn stone, but it turns out that the Lithotripsy didn't break it up as much as was expected which is why he was in so much pain. Not even two weeks after that he started having pain from his other kidney! We knew his left kidney had a lot of stones also, and we found out before his surgery that one of those stones was even bigger than the one he just passed from the right kidney, but we never imagined it would start to give him problems so soon after what he had just been through! I was terrified because we hadn't recovered yet from his ordeal and there was no way that either one of us would be able to go through that again so soon. I prayed like I've never prayed before in my life and did my best to comfort him. Luckily he still had some of the pain meds left at home and by morning the pain was gone. He hasn't had any more problems with it so far, but just knowing that he has such a big stone in there worries me to death. The doctor wants him to go in for Lithotripsy again to try to break up that larger stone in his left kidney before it decides to move and come out on it's own because once that happens it's too late. The problem is that the kind of business my husband is in does not allow him time to schedule regular doctor visits, much less schedule surgeries because he travels Mon-Fri. Yes, life does suck and unfortunately work is above health issues on the list of priorities one must follow to try to keep your job, especially once you reach a certain age and you're no longer hireable because of your age.

We're still trying to get back up on our feet and catch up with all of the work that we fell behind on, but it hasn't been easy. My mental health has made it impossible for me to be who I want to be, or who I used to be. I can no longer accomplish things in the same amount of time that I used to and it infuriates me beyond words. As far as hope goes - I have none. I've lost all hope that things will ever be the way I want.I feel totally lost, and numb inside. I'm not even sure of anything anymore. One thing I am sure of though, is that bad things do happen in three's, and I have absolute proof! First my son breaks his ankle, then my husband has surgery, and as if that wasn't bad enough - my daughter Cathy had emergency surgery for a ruptured appendix! OMG! What a nightmare! That is how I spent my Valentine's week. Valentine's Day was my 21st Wedding Anniversary, and instead of spending it with my husband, I was in the hospital with my daughter while my husband was working in another state. I could not believe our luck!

On Friday Feb 9, Cathy came home from school feeling a little sick to her stomach and we thought it was a stomach bug that was going around in her school. She didn't improve over the weekend so I kept her home from school on Monday Feb 12, but rather than let her rest and sleep all day to let the bug get out of her system, I called her doctor to see if they wanted me to bring her in to the office. Funny thing is that the nurse told me it wasn't necessary, but to bring her in just so they could check to see if she had become dehydrated or not, which is what's been happening with some of the kids that were sick from her school that week. OMG, what a shock when the doctor took one look at my daughter, pressed on her tummy and then told me to rush her to the hospital because it was her appendix! I was so glad I followed my instincts and called the doctor because I later found out that my daughter could've died if I had just left her home to get over this "stomach bug" that was going around in her school. Let's face it, it's NOT possible to take a child to the doctor every time they sneeze or have a stomach ache, especially a teenager, but this time I was so glad and grateful to God that I did.

The hardest thing was telling my husband because he had just returned to work after fully recuperating, and at that exact moment, he was home packing and getting ready to leave for his first business trip since his hospitalization. This was so unfair and the timing couldn't have been worse! How does a parent choose between being there for your child who is going into surgery, or going out of town on business? Sometimes it really sucks to be a grown up and have to face situations like this, but there really wasn't a choice. That job is what keeps a roof over our heads, so he couldn't risk losing his job. I knew he had to leave on his trip, but fortunately he was able to make it to the hospital in time to see her before she was taken into the operating room. I could not believe what was happening. It's almost like I was outside of my body watching this happen like a movie. We were literally outside of the operating room and the anesthesiologist was kind enough to wait a few more minutes to see if my husband would make it there in time, and thank God he did and was able to kiss Cathy before they took her.

He had a million questions, but I just needed to cry, and then all of a sudden I started laughing and he thought I was losing it. I told him I was laughing because when I was signing all of the authorization forms, including the form to allow them to give her blood if it became necessary, Cathy made a joke about it and said, "It's a good thing I'm a blood donor." I was so overwhelmed by everything and all the papers that her little joke went right over my head and I didn't get it until that moment when I started laughing. Then of course I started crying again because my baby always manages to keep her spirits up no matter how much pain she is in.

My husband left in tears, not only because his daughter was going into her second surgery and he couldn't be by her side, but because he was worried about me having to be there alone - and alone I was. I hated that feeling, and I hated having to be in the hospital yet again! Everything seemed so unreal, so unbelievable. Maybe it's time for me to start thinking about writing a book about my life, LOL, or better yet - maybe I should look into investing in that hospital! Too bad I didn't think of that sooner.

I have not been well enough, or much less had the time to deal with my own issues since I've had one family crisis develop after another. Mentally, I just shut down and wanted it all to disappear. I didn't want to face anything ordeal with it, at least until things started to settle down around me. This is why I turned off all of my alerts and chose to stay away from J'land and from my journal. I didn't want to be a part of the real world with real problems and real issues. I needed to try to put myself back together and to avoid any further stress and problems until I was well enough and ready to face what happened to me. Was I wrong to do so? Perhaps, But it was the best thing for me to do at the time. In a way, I felt guilty for neglecting my friends here, but in all honesty, I was afraid because I tend to take on everyone elses pain and problems and that wouldn't have been good for my recovery. I tried to get myself motivated by changing holiday graphics on my journal, but it didn't work, I still froze when I tried to make an entry because I was not ready to get into anything. Instead, I've been drowning myself with work and occupying my mind with computer projects, games, and my graphics groups. That is what has kept me together these past few weeks. They have been a blessing to me and it has been the best therapy!

I tried to come back to J'land to catch up on what's been going on with people I care about, but I guess I went about it the wrong way because I wanted to pick up where I left off and try to read everything I had missed, so I could be up to date, but that didn't work. Before I could make my rounds, I found out the J'land Bullshit Virus was in town and oh boy, was it deadly! I had no idea what the hell was going on, but that's the last thing I needed, so rather than risk stumbling into something that I really didn't care to know about, like an idiot, I turned on a couple of alerts and wouldn't you know it, the first alert that pops open on me is of someone that I care deeply about who was leaving. Unfuckingbelievable!!! Naturally I got upset about it. This was on Feb 9, while I was sitting here trying to look up something that could help me with the symptoms that my daughter was feeling, yet I still sent off a quick email to my friend and I never heard anything back.

Like I said, I have no idea what the hell happened here, but it makes me sad to come back and find that some of my friends are gone, and others have blocked me from their journal. All Iknow is that I have always gone out of my way to be a good supportive friend, even to the ones that never gave me the courtesy of a reply or a thank you when I took the time to send them something. I haven't done anything to anyone here, so I have no intention of trying to track people down in search of answers or explanations. Life is too short to be wasting your time on petty bullshit. I'd rather spend my time doing positive things :) Right now the most important thing for me is being here for my daughter, who has just had her dreams crushed by having to undergo a surgery that is going to prevent her from participating in any sports for the rest of the school year. As an athlete, she has worked very hard to get where she is, and she is devastated because this will also affect her placement for next year as a senior.

Dear Friends,

As you know, I've had so much going on in my life these past few months that the last thing I wanted to do is celebrate the holidays. On top of that, I've recently had my heart ripped out, yet again, but I am not prepared to discuss that right now. Despite everything, I'm trying to keep my spirits up because I don't want to ruin the holidays for my children, and I know I have plenty to be thankful for.

I know I haven't been myself lately and I haven't been posting regularly or visiting all of the journals as I normally would, or commenting, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you guys. You all mean the world to me, and I want you all to know that I cherish each and every one of you. You've helped me get through so much, and that's something I'll never forget.

I haven't decorated my home for Christmas and really don't have it in me to do so this year, but I'm OK with that and so is my family. My heart knows the true meaning of Christmas, and the reason for the Season and that's enough for me. I will be sending out Christmas cards and would like to do so with my J-Land buddies too. So for those of you that would like to exchange Christmas cards, please email me your address and I'll send you a card. I promise I will not sell your address to tellemarketers, or post it on the internet, LOL. DO NOT leave your address in the comment section. I'll be mailing out the cards to those of you that have already sent me cards.

Huggies, Mandy
Email me at:  Mmartinez07@aol.com