Unhappily Ever After

This has been such a lousy month, and it looks like it's going to be that way until the very end of it. So much has happened to affect my state of mind that I sometimes wonder how much more I could possibly take before I have a nervous breakdown. First my air conditioning breaks down at home, then my husband goes in for emergency surgery. His recovery was worse that we ever imagined and it took three weeks for him to feel well enough to work. This Monday is when he started traveling again, and wouldn't you know it - the day after he leaves, my water heater breaks! Why did it have to happen when he wasn't home? Why did it have to happen at all?! Unfuckingbelievable!!! It was a nightmare! I go into my garage and find a pool, where there shouldn't be one. I have boxes and furniture stored in my garage (that's another story) and of course, everything was wet, so I just stood there staring at my damaged things. Did I cry? Did I scream? Did I curse my head off? No. Instead I called my husband and told him what happened. Needless to say, he was not happy with what I told him, but he couldn't deal with it at that moment. There was nothing he could do anyway because he was in another state, stuck in traffic and was running late. And of course he was lost (which he didn't admit, but wives always know.) I wasn't too happy about him not being able to help me right away, or at least tell me what to do. OK, it was time to release some anger and start cursing everything in sight - several times!


I went to make coffee and started thinking, "I don't need him! I'm certified in several areas of home improvement and repair, and so on, so I'm very handy, I have my own power tools, and I look adorable in my tool belt." I decided to go ahead and make myself some breakfast, since the damage was already done, and then it hit me. Oh shit, we have a gas water heater and gas is the one thing that I didn't have any training on. Not good. I don't know the first thing about dealing with gas!!! Arrrrggghhh!!! So much for me being Mrs.Tim Allen. So I wait, and wait. Hubby finally calls me back and tells me what to do. I'm like - OK, ahhh... should I call a plumber after I do these things? No answer. I then realized something else. God is definitely good! He is good, because he made sure that my husband wasn't in front of me at that moment when he finally answered and told me, "sorry honey, but we can't afford a plumber right now. We had too many unexpected expenses this month, and I've just paid bills, so it's going to have to wait until I get home so I could fix it." Yup, God is definitely good because he prevented me from killing my husband at that very moment. Why do things always happen at the worst time, when you can least afford it? Life sucks, but hey, I survived Hurricane Andrew ripping my house apart while we were still in it, and not having water, or electricity for several days afterwards, so I can survive a few days without hot water!  



The September 11th Anniversary was also very hard for me. I'm still feeling it and it is still fresh on my mind. I know it was hard for a lot of people, especially those of us that participated in the 2,996 Project. However, even though it was a very painful thing to do, we all followed through with our tributes. The project was such a success that they're thinking of doing it every year. They started up another site and a Yahoo group was formed for the 2,996 participants to be able to post our tributes, share info and leads, and as a discussion forum for questions and messages. Sounds like a good idea right? Well, it was... while it lasted! Unfortunately, there always has to be a few assholes to ruin everything and to want to be the center of attention. Instead of everyone being proud of what they did to honor the victims of Sept 11, there were some that wanted to be "honored" for honoring a victim! Can you believe that?! And there were others who were criticizing some of the tributes, and wanting to be recognized for their tribute being better than others. WTF? Did they forget what was the reason for the project in the first place? The childish behavior of those selfish, self centered idiots caused the Yahoo group to be shut down. What a shame, and what a disappointment! So many of us have to miss out on something that was beneficial to everyone, simply because a few people out of thousands had to make it some sort of competition and turned something beautiful and meaningful into a mudslinging event. Grow up and get a life you pathetic losers. This is from "Bad Boys 2" which is one of my favorite movies: "You mother fuckers need Jesus!" Very appropriate line, if I do say so myself!


Speaking of mudslinging, how sad is it that we had to have that crap here in J'Land. Over what? For what? A million dollar prize? A trophy? A trip around the world? A chance to star in a movie? Give me a fucking break!!! Is a little sidebar graphic worth tearing people apart and hurting peoples feelings? Do you gain more worth by trashing others? Can you sleep better at night knowing that you've ruined something fun for so many others? Does it prolong your orgasm? I don't know who did what, or who said what, but I know that there was too much bullshit going around when there shouldn't have been any. Just like everything else that has happened in this lousy month. One thing I will say is that it was very upsetting, and a huge disappointment for me because I was not aware of all of the nonsense that has happened here in the past and I had no idea that there was so much hatred going around. I've never encountered any problems myself, and the only misunderstanding that I have seen in  J'Land involved suggestions of graphics and requesting too many of them. That's it! Nothing major, no mudslinging, no back stabbing, no threats. It was dealt with in a mature manner, and settled. The other person even went so far as to copy comments from the graphic journal and contacted me (and I don't know how many others) by email to make sure that everything was clear, and to say thank you for not tearing her apart or taking sides. It wasn't about taking sides, and her email surprised me, but I guess she knew more about what has happened here in J'Land than I did and just wanted to make sure that everything was OK. She even visited my journal a few times after that and left very nice comments.



I guess I'm feeling like a naive idiot for thinking that nothing bad could happen here. I even stated in my square of Shelly's J'Land quilt that "J'Land is my home away from home." I come here so I can try to escape the headaches and problems that my life is full of, and so I can unwind and let my feelings out, as well as share with friends, and hopefully make new ones. I know it's only a temporary solution, if at all, but it's been my safe haven. Something good to look forward to, (since most of us can't have sex every day, LOL.) It's been about having fun, which is something we all need. A place where everyone helps each other with support or prayer when necessary. It has helped me tremendously, and has made a big difference in my life. What is so upsetting is that I never expected to see all of the ugliness that I've seen lately, and I never expected such hypocrisy. I guess it was just a matter of time before things changed, just like everything else in life. Please note, I AM NOT directing this to anyone in particular. No one did anything to me. I WAS NOT affected by any of that ugliness, but just knowing about it is bothersome.


I am however troubled by something that I've read in one of the journals and I don't know what to do about it, or how to handle it. This has been bothering me so much, yet it's not possible for me to ignore it and continue as if nothing because this really hits home. I'm really torn, and I wish God would help me with this because the last thing I would want to do is hurt this person because she's not the guilty one, but yet she fully supports the illegal activity of this person because he is a relative. That kind of activity almost got my brother killed when he was a child. I witnessed him being struck by a car and then dragged under the car for what seemed to be forever. That accident has been playing in my mind over and over again since I read this journal and it won't stop! What's worse is that the relative of this person will be given a position with power, which he has no business holding because he puts the lives of others at risk.  How can someone encourage and support another person who will be risking the lives of other people, as well as his own with his reckless behavior? What if that person does kill by accident, how will she feel then? What am I supposed to do about this?


I'm just so sick of everything! Lately there has been so much pain and suffering, so much death, so many innocent babies dying. So much hatred and killing every single day.  This world is just getting worse and worse and it's gotten to the point that parents now have to worry about their children being killed while in school. It keeps happening over and over and over again. There is just so much evil in this world that it's going to be the end of us. I try not to let it get to me, but it's not possible when I'm surrounded by it. I can't even come online anymore without reliving a painful childhood memory.  


So much of my life is falling apart right now and there is nothing I can do to change any of it. There is so much that I wish I could do, but can't. So much that I need, but can't have, and so much pain and suffering around me that affects how I feel. I just don't know what to do anymore or where to turn. I don't know how to turn away from something that I care about, or believe in, and I don't know how to let go of something that I have no control over. I wish it were possible, but it's not!  


  
      Mandy