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4:04:00 PM EST
Feeling Worried
Time For Consequences
Sometimes it's so hard being a parent and having to make decisions that we don't want to make, but no matter how we feel, or who gets hurt, our obligation as parents is to teach our children right from wrong, whether they like it or not. To teach them to value and respect themselves and others. To prepare them to be responsible individuals so once they leave our homes they can go on and become successful in life and have families of their own. Right? Right. Well, what if you do everything you are supposed to do as a parent and the child does not cooperate? What if nothing works, not even doctors or counseling, then what?
I have always believed that a parent only has the first few years of a child's life to mold them into what you want them to be. After the child reaches the age of six and starts going to school, that's it! His or her personality is already set in and there is no changing that child. Even though that is what I firmly believe, and have witnessed, a part of me still wished there was a chance to reach an older child, but I guess I was wrong. My husband and I have been struggling with something for about three weeks and last night we finally had to make a decision and it's breaking my heart. As I've said many times before, I have problems with my 14 yr old Lynn. I've had problems with her since she first came to live with me almost 6 yrs ago. She is very lazy with her chores, she lies all the time, but my main problem with her is her personal hygiene. She will not shower regularly, she goes weeks without washing her hair, and for the past few weeks she hasn't been brushing her teeth. I have tried everything you can possibly imagine to try to get her to understand the importance of personal hygiene, especially for a teenage girl. Nothing has worked I've spent so much money buying her new clothes, jewelry, body lotions, bath products, perfumes, hair accessories, etc... in hopes that it might want her to be clean and smell nice, or look nice, but NOTHING works.
For the past 2 yrs she has been wanting to start wearing make up, and to start dating. I had to put a stop to themake-up because if she can't be responsible enough to wash her face and remove the make up properly, then she can't wear it, period. As far as dating goes, ha! She's not mentally mature enough or responsible enough, so there is no way we're going to allow it yet. Recently she has expressed an interest in getting a job as a babysitter so she could have extra money to buy CD's and stuff like that. I think she'd be good at it because she loves children. The problem is that as a parent, I wouldn't hire someone like her to take care of my kids. Would you? I'm sorry, but I would not want someone who wasn't clean around my kids if they were young enough to need a babysitter. I have not said this to her, although I've been very tempted to. 
I can't tell you the hundreds of times we've tried to remedy this problem. I've told her over and over again that personal hygiene is not something she can choose to ignore. It simply is NOT an option. If she wants to be a part of society, which she does, then she has to change her ways. Schools have dress codes, companies have policies for hiring people, and your appearance always has to be maintained, no matter what kind of job it is that she might want (well, unless she wants to work for the sanitation dept.) It's necessary for her health, her skin, her body, both inside and out, and especially her self-esteem.
Well, unfortunately, the time has come for her to have to deal with the consequences that I've been warning her about for years. For the past three weeks my husband and I have had to struggle with trying to decide if we should allow Lynn to participate in her 8th grade end of school year class trip. This trip is something that neither of us wanted her to miss out on because it's the final trip with her classmates from middle school, before they all go on to different High Schools next August, and it would be a wonderful experience. The 8th grade trip is going to be at the end of May '07, but the payment, which is almost $300.00, has to be made by Oct 31 because it's going to be a two and a half day trip and they need to start making arrangements now. 
We had no choice but to decide that she could not go on this trip with her classmates. The fact that she refuses to bathe is a problem because it's going to be a trip for two and a half days and she'll have to sit in a bus for several hours, back and forth, and she'll be sharing a hotel room with three other girls. It wouldn't be fair to the other students to have to tolerate her lazy, smelly ass while on this trip. I myself have had to leave her behind on numerous occasions because her body odor is so bad that we can't stand being in the car with her. It's literally sickening! She has been evicted from my daughter Cathy's room because of the way she is - that's how bad it is!
What made this decision so hard is the fact that the trip is still months away, and there could've been time for her to change, but we needed to base our decision on facts and probability, and the money is due now, not months from now. I'm sorry to say, but I do not trust her, nor have faith in her anymore, and if she hasn't realized the importance of her being clean in the 6 yrs that we've been struggling with her, then six more months isn't going to make a difference, if anything - she's getting worse the older she gets! We have spent thousands of dollars on this girl and it hasn't gotten us anywhere, so I had no intention of throwing away $300 for a trip that she won't be able to go on. And this is just the beginning of the hell that she's going to have to go through. High School is tough, and the older kids are mean. I just don't know what to do anymore. She is nothing like my children, nothing like her own blood siblings which were also adopted by us, and she's nothing like her birth mother so I'm at a loss with this. I'm hoping that having to miss out on her class trip will be what causes her to realize what she's doing to herself because I'm throwing in the towel. I give up.
Thanks to Donna for the Lamp, Scarecrow, and Country Kitty graphics, and thanks to Chris for the Harvest Blessings Tag.
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I am surprised that the other kids she is at school with haven't already said anything to her about her body odour, kids are not always as thoughtful of feelings as adults. Has she got a special friend or is she a loner there? I know you have probably tried everything to make her wash but how about taking her to the bath oil section and let her choose something she likes the scent of to use next time she is in the bathroom? Terry x
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Boy, Mandy, that is a tough one. Funny because parents usually have trouble with boys not wanting to be clean. Girls will shower and change clothes so many times a day. She is going to have a very tough time when she gets to high school. I'm wondering who would even want to date a girl that has such body odor. I would hope that not allowing her to go on the trip will help but I'm thinking it won't. Wish I had an answer. HUGS Chris
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Oh my goodness, Mandy, that is a problem, isn't it? So hard to imagine in this day and age, especially with girls. My kids were just the opposite. Especially my twins. They would shower sometimes twice a day.. to the point where I would be like, "Geesh.. you are not dirty, why are you taking ANOTHER shower?" They would be like, "Well, I was outside for awhile, and I just feel dirty!" Whatever! lol I guess I should not have complained, huh?
I wonder why she is like that? Is she depressed maybe? There has to be some reason why she is like that, Mandy. In this day and age, with cleanliness and soaps, body cremes, lotions, perfumes, and deodorant being advertised constantly, it's just hard to imagine that she wouldn't want to be a part of that!
As for dating? Not to be mean or anything, but I doubt very many boy's will want to date her if she is that hygenically challanged. Know what I mean?
Hugs
jackie
http://journals.aol.com/siennastarr/Hopefloats/ -
I wish I knew what to say to help you in this area. I know you have sought help for her and all your adopted children. I know there has been other problems too. You and your husband have been been wonderful parents. Every child is different. I tend to agree with most of Linda's comment. And I do agree with you and your husbands decision not to pay for , nor allow her to go on the final Middle School trip. She was well aware of the consequence, if she continued to ignore her personal hygiene. Please don't give up on her. There is still a chance that she will change. I was put out when I was a very young teen and put into the "Foster Care System" It is but by the grace of God that my life did not turn out to be a tragic story. I know you love her and are very frustrated , as is understandable. She needs to know she will be held accountable for her actions, No more or no less then her siblings. You are doing a tremendous job in rearing all of them. Take a deep breath. And Smile. You are a good Mom.You will be in my prayers.
Tia http://journals.aol.com/trishaham/TiasTales/
10/31/06 2:56 PM
Missie
http://journals.aol.com/chat2