Unhappily Ever After

I'm Back!

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 00:06:17 GMT

Escape. That is what I needed to do, and it's what I did, only it wasn't by choice, at least at first it wasn't. At the time I just didn't know for how long. Those that know me, know that I am not the type of person to just take off and abandon my journal and my friends, yet it's funny how so many people that I wasn't very close with reached out and showed concern over my absence. Kind of gives a new meaning to friendship. I was very touched and from the bottom of my heart, I thank those of you who cared enough and took the time to email me or to leave an extra comment.

It just amazes me how powerful the mind is and how it works. It knows how to protect us when we need it and it knows when to shut down or when to shelter us from painful memories that we are not able to face at the time, or are strong enough to deal with, but even so - there is only so much pain that we can be sheltered from, and only so much pain that our mind and heart can cope with before we eventually fall apart. Only a couple of people know this, but the reason why I haven't made an entry in my journal in such a long time is because I suffered a mental breakdown a couple of months ago. I am still struggling, and even though it feels like a losing battle, I'm still trying to fight this depression demon that has taken up residence in my mind and body. One thing I do know for sure is that I'll never be the same again and that really scares me.

My breakdown was bound to happen sooner or later with everything that I've been going through for the past couple of years, but for the past few months it has just been one thing after another. The betrayal that I referred to in my Dec. 15, 2006 entry is what led to my breakdown, and even though it is time for me to let it out, I'll have to get into that in my next entry, because right now I have so much more going on.Even after my breakdown things have continued to happen in my life that have just made me wonder, "HOW MUCH MORE?!?

My husbands recovery after his surgery was not as smooth as we had hoped. He suffered for days afterwards and at times the pain was worse than before the surgery. It was awful. He finally did pass that stubborn stone, but it turns out that the Lithotripsy didn't break it up as much as was expected which is why he was in so much pain. Not even two weeks after that he started having pain from his other kidney! We knew his left kidney had a lot of stones also, and we found out before his surgery that one of those stones was even bigger than the one he just passed from the right kidney, but we never imagined it would start to give him problems so soon after what he had just been through! I was terrified because we hadn't recovered yet from his ordeal and there was no way that either one of us would be able to go through that again so soon. I prayed like I've never prayed before in my life and did my best to comfort him. Luckily he still had some of the pain meds left at home and by morning the pain was gone. He hasn't had any more problems with it so far, but just knowing that he has such a big stone in there worries me to death. The doctor wants him to go in for Lithotripsy again to try to break up that larger stone in his left kidney before it decides to move and come out on it's own because once that happens it's too late. The problem is that the kind of business my husband is in does not allow him time to schedule regular doctor visits, much less schedule surgeries because he travels Mon-Fri. Yes, life does suck and unfortunately work is above health issues on the list of priorities one must follow to try to keep your job, especially once you reach a certain age and you're no longer hireable because of your age.

We're still trying to get back up on our feet and catch up with all of the work that we fell behind on, but it hasn't been easy. My mental health has made it impossible for me to be who I want to be, or who I used to be. I can no longer accomplish things in the same amount of time that I used to and it infuriates me beyond words. As far as hope goes - I have none. I've lost all hope that things will ever be the way I want.I feel totally lost, and numb inside. I'm not even sure of anything anymore. One thing I am sure of though, is that bad things do happen in three's, and I have absolute proof! First my son breaks his ankle, then my husband has surgery, and as if that wasn't bad enough - my daughter Cathy had emergency surgery for a ruptured appendix! OMG! What a nightmare! That is how I spent my Valentine's week. Valentine's Day was my 21st Wedding Anniversary, and instead of spending it with my husband, I was in the hospital with my daughter while my husband was working in another state. I could not believe our luck!

On Friday Feb 9, Cathy came home from school feeling a little sick to her stomach and we thought it was a stomach bug that was going around in her school. She didn't improve over the weekend so I kept her home from school on Monday Feb 12, but rather than let her rest and sleep all day to let the bug get out of her system, I called her doctor to see if they wanted me to bring her in to the office. Funny thing is that the nurse told me it wasn't necessary, but to bring her in just so they could check to see if she had become dehydrated or not, which is what's been happening with some of the kids that were sick from her school that week. OMG, what a shock when the doctor took one look at my daughter, pressed on her tummy and then told me to rush her to the hospital because it was her appendix! I was so glad I followed my instincts and called the doctor because I later found out that my daughter could've died if I had just left her home to get over this "stomach bug" that was going around in her school. Let's face it, it's NOT possible to take a child to the doctor every time they sneeze or have a stomach ache, especially a teenager, but this time I was so glad and grateful to God that I did.

The hardest thing was telling my husband because he had just returned to work after fully recuperating, and at that exact moment, he was home packing and getting ready to leave for his first business trip since his hospitalization. This was so unfair and the timing couldn't have been worse! How does a parent choose between being there for your child who is going into surgery, or going out of town on business? Sometimes it really sucks to be a grown up and have to face situations like this, but there really wasn't a choice. That job is what keeps a roof over our heads, so he couldn't risk losing his job. I knew he had to leave on his trip, but fortunately he was able to make it to the hospital in time to see her before she was taken into the operating room. I could not believe what was happening. It's almost like I was outside of my body watching this happen like a movie. We were literally outside of the operating room and the anesthesiologist was kind enough to wait a few more minutes to see if my husband would make it there in time, and thank God he did and was able to kiss Cathy before they took her.

He had a million questions, but I just needed to cry, and then all of a sudden I started laughing and he thought I was losing it. I told him I was laughing because when I was signing all of the authorization forms, including the form to allow them to give her blood if it became necessary, Cathy made a joke about it and said, "It's a good thing I'm a blood donor." I was so overwhelmed by everything and all the papers that her little joke went right over my head and I didn't get it until that moment when I started laughing. Then of course I started crying again because my baby always manages to keep her spirits up no matter how much pain she is in.

My husband left in tears, not only because his daughter was going into her second surgery and he couldn't be by her side, but because he was worried about me having to be there alone - and alone I was. I hated that feeling, and I hated having to be in the hospital yet again! Everything seemed so unreal, so unbelievable. Maybe it's time for me to start thinking about writing a book about my life, LOL, or better yet - maybe I should look into investing in that hospital! Too bad I didn't think of that sooner.

I have not been well enough, or much less had the time to deal with my own issues since I've had one family crisis develop after another. Mentally, I just shut down and wanted it all to disappear. I didn't want to face anything ordeal with it, at least until things started to settle down around me. This is why I turned off all of my alerts and chose to stay away from J'land and from my journal. I didn't want to be a part of the real world with real problems and real issues. I needed to try to put myself back together and to avoid any further stress and problems until I was well enough and ready to face what happened to me. Was I wrong to do so? Perhaps, But it was the best thing for me to do at the time. In a way, I felt guilty for neglecting my friends here, but in all honesty, I was afraid because I tend to take on everyone elses pain and problems and that wouldn't have been good for my recovery. I tried to get myself motivated by changing holiday graphics on my journal, but it didn't work, I still froze when I tried to make an entry because I was not ready to get into anything. Instead, I've been drowning myself with work and occupying my mind with computer projects, games, and my graphics groups. That is what has kept me together these past few weeks. They have been a blessing to me and it has been the best therapy!

I tried to come back to J'land to catch up on what's been going on with people I care about, but I guess I went about it the wrong way because I wanted to pick up where I left off and try to read everything I had missed, so I could be up to date, but that didn't work. Before I could make my rounds, I found out the J'land Bullshit Virus was in town and oh boy, was it deadly! I had no idea what the hell was going on, but that's the last thing I needed, so rather than risk stumbling into something that I really didn't care to know about, like an idiot, I turned on a couple of alerts and wouldn't you know it, the first alert that pops open on me is of someone that I care deeply about who was leaving. Unfuckingbelievable!!! Naturally I got upset about it. This was on Feb 9, while I was sitting here trying to look up something that could help me with the symptoms that my daughter was feeling, yet I still sent off a quick email to my friend and I never heard anything back.

Like I said, I have no idea what the hell happened here, but it makes me sad to come back and find that some of my friends are gone, and others have blocked me from their journal. All Iknow is that I have always gone out of my way to be a good supportive friend, even to the ones that never gave me the courtesy of a reply or a thank you when I took the time to send them something. I haven't done anything to anyone here, so I have no intention of trying to track people down in search of answers or explanations. Life is too short to be wasting your time on petty bullshit. I'd rather spend my time doing positive things :) Right now the most important thing for me is being here for my daughter, who has just had her dreams crushed by having to undergo a surgery that is going to prevent her from participating in any sports for the rest of the school year. As an athlete, she has worked very hard to get where she is, and she is devastated because this will also affect her placement for next year as a senior.

Update On Hubby

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 01:54:04 GMT

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your prayers and good wishes. I can't even begin to tell you what it meant to me when I read the emails and the comments. You all made me cry! Shortly after I posted my entry on Thursday night, my husband's pain became so unbearable that he was literally crying. I was really scared because I had never seen him in that kind of pain. I knew there was something else going on in his body besides the kidney stone, that I haven't talked about in my journal yet, so I didn't know if that was the reason why the pain was so bad. I decided to take him back to the Emergency Room, for the third time this week, because there was no way he was going to be able to handle that kind of pain until Friday afternoon which is when his surgery was scheduled for. It just made me furious because so much of the pain that he has gone through this week could've been avoided if they had just kept him in the hospital in the first place since they knew that stone was not going to pass because it was stuck. Besides being stuck, it was cutting into him because of it's edges!

Before we left the house, I asked my daughter Cathy to stay home from school so she could tend to her brother and his broken ankle because I had no idea if they were going to keep us there, or what time I would be home and he couldn't be alone in the house. It's a good thing I did that because we were in the Emergency Room until 5:30 am. That's when they sent us home to get a few hours of sleep until we had to get ready to go back to the hospital for his surgery. I was able to get 4 hours of sleep, and let me tell you, I had never in my life been so grateful for sleep than at that moment. I woke up feeling as if I had slept 12 hours, and also had this sense of peace and calmness inside that I can't describe, but I knew it was because of the prayers, and all the good wishes that had come our way. Oh boy, I'm crying again, but I can't help it. It's moments like this that really make you feel touched by God's love.

According to the doctor, everything went as expected. They decided to do a procedure called Lithotripsy, which pulverizes the stone, instead of going in for it, but it has almost been 48 hours and my husband is still in a lot of pain. I'm still worried because I'm not so sure if that was the best route to go, especially if he's still in so much pain. He's been straining his urine as instructed, but hasn't really seen much of anything yet. I just hope and pray that he won't have to go back for more surgery if this procedure didn't work. Please keep us in your prayers, cause at this point, I just don't know what else to do.

How about some good news? ......
Well, I have something to share, which I did not have permission to talk about before. This is one thing that definitely turned out to be a blessing from this whole ordeal, and caught us both by surprise. An abnormal growth which was suspected as testicular cancer, has turned out to be a cyst! That's it, just a cyst, no cancer! Is that not the most amazing thing? I still can't believe it! We have been dealing with this for a few weeks and it has been a nightmare. We still have a prostate problem to deal with, but I am confident that God with help us with that too.

Thank you again my friends, for always being here for me!

We still have a long way to go, and this week coming up is going to be very hectic and stressful for me as far as work goes because there is no way he can get back to work yet, and unfortunately customerproblems can't wait, and they don't go away by themselves either. I know in my heart that things are going to get better soon. My son is able to get around more now with his crutches, so that helps a lot.

Need Prayers For Surgery

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 04:24:15 GMT

I've been going through so much these past couple of weeks that I haven't had a chance to make an entry, read journals, or to wish anyone a Happy New Year for that matter. I'm surprised I haven't had a breakdown with everything that's been going on. So much has happened, but I haven't been able to make an entry. I really need you guys now. My husband is having surgery tomorrow and I would really appreciate any prayers or good wishes you could send our way. I'm a strong believer in the power of prayer, and we've all seen the miracles come out of it here in J'Land. I'm having to deal with too many things at the same time and today when I almost crashed my car into the car in front of me, I realized that I was losing it and I couldn't handle it all by myself anymore. I don't know how much time I'll have to myself right now before I'm needed again, but I hope I can get this entry done.

My son broke his ankle over a week ago coming down the stairs of our home. I've been able to care for him without any problem because the girls have been home from school on winter break and they have helped out as much as they could. A few days ago, my husband started having pain on his right kidney. Having suffered from kidney stones for the past 30 years, he knew that he was going to pass one. Well, the little sucker hasn't come out yet, so yesterday morning, I had to take my husband to the emergency room because the pain had become so severe that it was unbearable. Neither one of us has been able to sleep in a couple of days and I am just totally drained and exhausted, both mentally and physically. I've seen him pass numerous stones in the 21 years that we've been married, but he has never suffered like he is suffering now. It turns out the stone is 5mm in size and it has become lodged, which is why it hasn't passed yet. We spent the day in the hospital, only to have to go back again today for a CTScan and other tests in preparation for surgery tomorrow afternoon.

Everything just got to be too much for me because the girls went back to school today so I had to care for my son all by myself as well as my husband. I just hope and pray that everything works out tomorrow because it's so hard to see someone you love in pain and not be able to do anything to take it away. At least his surgery is in the afternoon, so I won't have to worry so much about leaving my son alone for too long in the house like I had to do today. I had to leave him alone in the house for a few hours while I went back and forth from the hospital, a couple of times, and I wasn't too happy about it, but I really didn't have a choice.

Oh The Joys Of Shopping

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 21:47:00 GMT

Well, I must say... every year I get even more and more disgusted at the way people act when it comes to Holiday shopping. Absolutely sickening! And then they wonder why their kids act like spoiled brats and start throwing things around in the store and having tantrums for the whole world to see, LMFAO! OMG! One child even slapped his mother, and the mother didn't do anything about it! Lady, you are raising a bully who will grow up to beat up women and I certainly hope that he gets what's coming to him the first time that he lays a hand on a woman! Shame on you for not disciplining your child, and shame on you for letting your young daughter witness that kind of behavior! Hopefully she won't grow up thinking that it's OK for men to hit women. Wake the hell up people!!! What kind of example are you setting for your little brats? Oh man, how I wished I had a camcorder with me when I went shopping. And to think... I wasn't even Christmas shopping. I was just trying to get some basic everyday necessities which could not wait until after the holiday madness.

I hate this time of the year and I get so turned off by how commercialized the holidays have become, and how people make themselves crazy at this time of year buying stuff they can't afford, and getting into debt, trying to please their friends and loved ones. The problem is that no matter what you do, no matter how much you try, you can never really please everyone and the credit card bills keep coming long after those presents have been tossed aside and forgotten. The sad thing is that most children don't even know the true meaning of Christmas. All they care about is getting gifts, and not just any gift, they want the latest most expensive thing that is out there, and then us grown-ups act irresponsibly and get ourselves into debt by spending more than we can afford by trying toplease everyone ... or worse than that, some people let themselves get into in-law tug-of-wars, usually his family vs. her family and they also try to out-spend each other and compete for the title of "Biggest, Most Expensive, Gift Giver" Give me a break people! It's really sickening and pathetic and all it accomplishes is hurt feelings and arguments. Get a life and stop letting everyone in the stores know your business. I don't need to be feeling like I'm in the middle of a Jerry Springer show when all I'm trying to do is buy kotex pads and orange juice. That is not what Christmas is about! If someone doesn't appreciate your gift because Aunt Sue spent more money on his/her gift than you did, or if Cousin Jeff isn't coming over to your house because Uncle John is serving shrimp cocktails to his guests, and all you have to offer is chips and dip, then you know what, they can kiss your booty! You don't need people like that! And you definitely don't need to try to impress anyone by spending more than you can afford on gifts or food for anyone!!! Are they going to be around to help pay your bills when the bills start filling your mailbox instead of Christmas cards?

Something To Think About

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 19:12:46 GMT

My 16 year old daughter donated blood for the first time two months ago, and I wish there were words to describe the expression on her face when she received her very own Red Cross blood donor card along with a letter explaining to her how the blood was used. My daughter is a straight A honor student and she's also a Basketball and Track & Field athlete, so she has received numerous certificates, awards, medals and trophies, yet, none of that has ever given her the same feeling of satisfacion and accomplishment that she got when she became a blood donor. She also signed up as an organ donor, just like three of her siblings when they went for their driving permits/licenses.

Wouldn't it be a wonderful thing if people would take the time to do something for the holidays that can help to save a life? A pint of blood is so much more valuable than an ipod, DVD player, XBox, Playstation system, etc... yet we never hear about people standing in line for hours, or rushing to go give blood, which is something that won't cost us anything. One pint of blood can help to save three lives, yet some lives depend on several pints a day or a week. Blood is the most valuable thing we can give. It's priceless and it can literally mean life or death, yet it's not something people put on their Christmas lists of things to do. How manypeople will die from now until Christmas because of lack of blood? How many people will be fortunate enough to be given the gift of life so they will be around to see the holidays, and many more to come? We don't have the answer to either of those questions, but only we can determine the outcome because we have the power to make it go either way.

Krissy's husband John still needs blood, as well as so many other's. You never know when it might be someone you love whose life will depend on donated blood.

So many of us are going through our own personal problems, health issues, and losing loved ones, but no matter how difficult and painful our situation may be, there is always someone else out there who is suffering more than we are and at this time are trying to make burial arrangements instead of attending Christmas parties. So instead of throwing tantrums in the stores, like I've witnessed the past couple of days, we should all be grateful for what we have and do what we can to help those in need because that is ALL that really matters.

Tags: Give Blood, Donate Blood, American Red Cross,

If You Have Dogs...

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 03:28:41 GMT

Wrapping Presents with Dogs

1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of

living room floor.

2. Get tape back from puppy.

3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.

4. Open box.

5. Take puppy out of box.

6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.

7. Take scissors away from puppy.

8. Put present in box.

9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.

10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.

11. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.

12. Remove puppy from box and put on lid.

13. Take tape away from older dog.

14. Unroll paper.

15. Take puppy OFF box.

16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot

or nose that is getting in the way as he "helps."

17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.

18. Take puppy off box.

19. Wrap paper around box.

20. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper

from its mouth.

21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.

22. Take scissors away from puppy.

23. Take tape older dog is holding.

24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from

older dog & sit on them again.

25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot.

26. Take bow from older dog.

27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.

28. Take scissors from older dog who took them

when you got up.

29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.

30. Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on

to hold the paper on.

31. Take now soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks.

32. Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix

while puppy tries to eat pen.

33. Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away.

34. Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper.

35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs

what good helpers they are.

36. Tell the dogs that if they're good for the rest of the night, you'll buy them some cool glasses or a scarf and hat

like the dog is wearing in Donna's graphic.

Mom's Night Before Christmas

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 13:15:44 GMT

Twas The Night Before Christmas....Mom Style

Twas the night before Christmas,
when all thru the abode
Only one creature was stirring,
& she was cleaning the commode.

The children were finally sleeping,
all snug in their beds,
While visions of Hot Wheels & Barbie,
flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, "Now what is the matter?"

With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, & saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes & soot, which fell with a shrug,
"Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."

"Ho Ho Ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "So, I've made you a clone."

"A clone?" she muttered, "What good is that?"
"Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit chat."
Then out walked the clone - The mother's twin,
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.

"She'll cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young & The Restless."
"Fantastic!" the mom cheered. "My dream has come true!"
"I'll shop, I'll read, I'll sleep a night through!"

From the room above, the youngest did fret.
"Mommy?! Come quickly, I'm scared & I'm wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She sure knows her part."

The clone changed the small one & hummed her a tune,
as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
"You're the best mommy ever. I really love you."
The clone smiled & sighed, "And I love you, too."

The mom frowned & said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal."
That's my child's love she is trying to steal."
Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here."

The mom kissed her child & tucked her in bed.
"Thank You, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
when they'll be too old for my cradle & song."

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side Santa said "Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, dear Mom, You will be all right."

Thanks to Donna for my tag.

Letter To My Friends

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 22:38:36 GMT

Dear Friends,

As you know, I've had so much going on in my life these past few months that the last thing I wanted to do is celebrate the holidays. On top of that, I've recently had my heart ripped out, yet again, but I am not prepared to discuss that right now. Despite everything, I'm trying to keep my spirits up because I don't want to ruin the holidays for my children, and I know I have plenty to be thankful for.

I know I haven't been myself lately and I haven't been posting regularly or visiting all of the journals as I normally would, or commenting, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you guys. You all mean the world to me, and I want you all to know that I cherish each and every one of you. You've helped me get through so much, and that's something I'll never forget.

I haven't decorated my home for Christmas and really don't have it in me to do so this year, but I'm OK with that and so is my family. My heart knows the true meaning of Christmas, and the reason for the Season and that's enough for me. I will be sending out Christmas cards and would like to do so with my J-Land buddies too. So for those of you that would like to exchange Christmas cards, please email me your address and I'll send you a card. I promise I will not sell your address to tellemarketers, or post it on the internet, LOL. DO NOT leave your address in the comment section. I'll be mailing out the cards to those of you that have already sent me cards.

Huggies, Mandy
Email me at: Mmartinez07@aol.com

thanks to Chris of Cab's Creations for my siggy.

Waiting For The Tooth Fairy

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 01:07:35 GMT

I got rid of my tooth on Monday as planned, but now I'm dealing with the "after" pain so I'm still not doing the happy dance. At least I know this pain will gradually go away as I heal, so it's a big relief. It felt so good to be able to sleep through the whole night again. I had forgotten what that felt like. Right now all I want to do is eat a crispy fried drumstick!

I'm slowly starting to lose my Bah Humbugness, so a little later tonight I'll be posting something for the holidays to help my J-land buddies that have pets. In order to prevent any fights between the animals, I'll have to do the cats and the dogs in two separate posts. I'm not disciminating against either, I love them both, but the last thing we need here in J-land is fighting amongst our furry friends... or in my journal! LOL.

If You Have Cats...

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 03:25:15 GMT

Wrapping Presents with a Cat

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.

3. Open door and remove cat from closet.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc...

7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.

14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.

15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.

16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in.

17. Place present on paper.

18. Lift up edges of paper to sealin present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.

19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape.

20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.

23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.

25. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.

26. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.

27. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

28. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room.

30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials.

31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock.

32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door)

33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best)

34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well.

35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.

36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.

37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.

38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink
and feed cat.

39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.

40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.