moment2shine

2:21:45 AM EST



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2:21:19 AM EST
Well here it is. Fell head over heels for no fucking reason again. This just in:

you know lee i been thinking i think we should take a break from each other for a while. because im starting to feel like even though it is untitled that we are in a relationship thats what has been bothering me all this time but i didnt want to tell you because i dont want to lose you as a friend....... just until i can start thinking normal again

You won't lose me as a friend. =) um... just don't push me away and avoid me like you do to other people sometimes, okay? that's why I asked you last night if it bothered you, me always sleeping with you, and hanging out with you all the time. So I probably shouldn't spend the night for a while, hmm?

probebly not i mean i dont want to creat any auqward moments or anything i know we are both going to the halloween party this sunday so no auqward moments please....... besides why would i push you away you are one of the coolest people i know

Well thanks, I guess.
Do you still want to hang out tomorrow for a while, or do you kind of not want to hang out for a few days until the Halloween party? I mean, it's up to you, I don't want to make you uncomfortable, you know?

probebly not for a few days......... i really need to start thinking on the right path before i end up doing something stupid, you have no i dea how much stress this has been putting on me

This is where it gets exciting:
Well I'm at least glad you let me know, before I started really irritating you and getting on your nerves.
And I know you don't need any more stress, quitting smoking and everything.
I just have one question... you really don't have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable... even though just reading it will probably make you uncomfortable.
Is this the kind of deal where you just need a break for a while, and then we pick up where we left off, maybe try a relationship someday, maybe not... or is it the kind of thing where you really don't like me "like that", and you never will, and I should just move on, think of you as *only* a friend... find another guy, stuff like that...?
Like I said, you don't have to answer right away... but it's just something I'd like to know some day soon, so I can do the right thing and not irritate the hell out of you when I do something.

i see you more as a friend

Funny that this could make me cry harder than finding out Carol was dead. I love how people say "I don't want to get into a relationship because I don't want to hurt you" when you're already past the point of having given a person your heart and soul. And bloody fucking irony that I just bought a dozen roses to watch them die.

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2:20:13 AM EST
Well, I'm getting ready to go out camping. Yay. Can't say I'm looking forward to it. Why am I doing it? Because I said I would. I guess. I don't know. I don't care, all I know is that I am. Will I drink? I don't know. Will I get stupid? Only if I drink. Easy answer - don't drink, and I won't get stupid enough to do something I'll regret when I find out I did it.

We'll probably just go to the beach. Even though they all have tents and such, the mosquitoes are enough of a problem - I'll sleep in the van. Actually, I think I'd more enjoy it anyway. We'll be out there all weekend, so I'll talk to you when I get back.

Today was pretty humorous, otherwise. Plenty of laughing about head-butting soccer players, over-weight strippers, and making fun of Walkama for dancing. Ahlstrom pointed out that he was "performing in a way unbecoming of an NCO of the US Army." When he pulled out the book, I thought he was going to site specific regs, but instead flipped open at random... thus inspired, cautioned Walkama that he was "demonstrating one of the eleven serious symptoms of contamination by nerve agent." I guess you had to be there... but at the moment, it was damn funny.

Feel free to send me a message when I'm gone.

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2:18:38 AM EST
I suppose it's been a few days since I've really put something up here... quite the change from my once daily routine. Can't say I much missed it, but then nothing has really happened. The Jacksonville date moved up to tomorrow, so I'll be flying out at the butt-crack of dawn. Other than that - combatives and sleeping. Bought a new video game, but that's about it. Tonight I'm supposed to be on the news (there was a film crew at combatives last week). I suppose that will be on tonight at 10:00

--Okay-- I just watched it, it really wasn't that special. I mean, yeah I *was* in it, but... you could barely tell it was me. Of course you could see my uniform was about 5 sizes too big for me, but that's about it.

I'm kind of nervous about leaving my room, I know that people are going to mess with it, I just hope they don't fuck it up too bad. They're talking about switching my furniture with that of someone else, which could be inconvenient, but I could deal with it. Used condoms in my bed, on the other hand - not so cool. Maybe it will be a combo of everything, but... hopefully it just won't be too bad. Army is great, eh?

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2:17:43 AM EST
1 year ago - My memory:

I was excited... this was the first time I'd be going out with the guys in -who knows- how long. I wouldn't have been invited if it weren't for Tyler... I knew why. Having a girl around lessens their chance of 'getting pussy'. Tyler already had a girl, so he didn't care whether or not I detracted female attention. Aside from that, Leary and Keller only had enough room in the truck for Tyler. Well, Tyler said fuck them, and I got a hold of one of the unit minivans... he'd ride with me.

Getting ready that night with him in the other room... it must have been the first time on this whole deployment that I actually dressed like a girl. I wore a pair of capris, and my "I'm not with Stupid anymore" T. He told me I looked GREAT, because of all the sun I had been getting. I was finally starting to get a little color. He stayed in the living room playing with GIR while I got ready.

On the ride to Cactus Canyon (the club we were going to), Tyler told me him and Jen had gotten into a fight earlier that day. I loved being his shoulder to cry on, his big (albeit younger) sister... he told me that Jen had been pregnant, but aborted the child... and had just told him about it earlier that day. A true soldier, he didn't let his emotions show as he played it off "Well, we didn't need another me running around anyway..." ...but knowing him, I knew he was hurting. All he wanted was a family of his own. Noble goals, for a 20 year old boy. I could almost hear his pain in his voice... and I was furious. How could she make a decision that wasn't hers alone to make?

After a little comfortable silence, a song on the radio, "I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known... don't know where it goes, but it's only me and I walk alone..." He easily picked out Greenday, his favorite band. But then out of nowhere, "Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you." I took a stab in the dark - Oasis. I had no idea I was right, but we left it at that.

We met up with the guys, Jen and her gang... everyone was there. Of course, I didn't know any of them, but I got a warm reception. It was great to feel like I fit in. Tyler and Jen acted as if there hadn't been any argument earlier... it was amazing. I have no idea how much I drank that night. I know I had one Sex on the Beach... and countless water moccasins - 9 being my best estimation. Tyler kept telling me he was going to show me his 'Tyler dance', but that he hadn't had enough to drink yet. By the end of the night, I didn't even get the chance to see it. By the time he came to me and literally drug me out of the club, I was in no state of mind to argue about it. Only when we were almost to my apartment complex did he tell me - he had seen Jen making out with another guy.

Since the van was 'mine' for the night, he decided he'd just sleep at my place that night. I was more than okay with it, he had just witnessed his girl with another guy... and I wasn't going to tell him no. Kissing him, I remember his tongue ring gently rattling on my teeth... Thinking back, he must have locked my door, because I never did. (Living in Idaho will do that to you.) We fell asleep on my bed, fully clothed, having done nothing more than kiss and cuddle...

I was dead to the world, and the only thing that could wake me up did - Jen's screaming, nagging, bitching voice... coming from MY living room. "You nasty bitch, I'm allergic to cats... you're a nasty cunt for having one... I'm glad you and Tyler are such good fucking friends that you can sleep in the same bed!" Screaming the whole time. I don't remember much else, but in the end, I decided to let Tyler take the van to his apartment complex, and I'd pick it up the next day. I only found out later how she got in, since Tyler had locked the door. Leary told her to jump my fence and come in the side door. I don't think I've even confronted him to this day about it... some things I suppose are better left alone.

The next day, I woke up. No hangover, thankfully. It must have been about noon. I called Tyler, but he was out riding his bike with Big T, and Johnny. He told me his apartment was unlocked, and the van keys were right on the bar. I had to have Walkama come pick me up, and drop me off there... he was confused by the fact that I didn't need a ride back to my apartment... but then he's always confused anyway. I left Tyler a note - "I'm sorry about last night, I hope you and Jen are doing okay."

About a half an hour after I got back, Nguyen (of all people) was the only fucking person who called me and told me... Nguyen, who's been in America longer than I have, and still can't speak decent English. Nguyen, who's accent makes it sound like he's speaking a foreign language anyway... Nguyen, who doesn't know what the fuck he's saying when he says it anyway. He was the only one who called and told me Ford was dead. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less. And hung up. What a cruel joke... how full of shit could Nguyen be? I had just talked to Tyler less than 2 hours before! ...but after calling Keller to find out what was going on... Nguyen hadn't been lying after all.

Stockton came over to make sure I was doing okay. As much of an ass as he can be, he's not all bad. Not ALL bad. If I was Tyler's shoulder to cry on, my mother was mine. I called her bawling, Stockton just watching... I still don't know her motivation... maybe she was trying to make me feel better by knowing my little sister, Miranda, was in the same situation... I told my mom - NO, Miranda came down and saw him for a week, I've LIVED with him every day since we've been down here, she has NO idea what it's like... and then she told me, "One of the kids from Miranda's school just hung himself the other day." It must have slipped her mind, me and Miranda went to the same school. In a school with less than 500 students, everyone knew each other. Morbid curiosity sank in, and I had to know who it was. She couldn't give me any last names, just 'Blake' ...and with a name as common as Blake, I had all of about one person in mind... between sobs, "It wasn't Blake Cord, was it Mom?" And before she had time to say yes, my legs gave out... Stockton was there to catch me... but that was all he could do. I couldn't talk... I had to hang up on my mom because I couldn't breathe... Blake hadn't been my best friend, but we were in 7th grade together. I had dated him for about a week... or as much as 7th graders can 'date'. He had flunked enough times to be in my sister's class... so no... Miranda couldn't even sympathize with me on that level, and even less because of it. Talk about adding salt to a wound.

So, tomorrow will be the year "anniversary" of Tyler's accident. I'm dealing with it a lot better than I thought I would. Well... I guess we'll see how I do tomorrow. It's just a date, after all.

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