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Subject: Ho Ho Ho
Time: 8:30:00 AM EST
Author: monponsett
Hola, Gringoes! 
Elle here.. and note that this column is the only column anywhere that has a babysitter.
* Yes, I know where Stacey is.
* No, I'm not telling... I'll leave that to her.
* Yes, it's bad.
It's not something we made up, like when her head exploded. It's not something bad that we can play for laughs once the painkillers kick in, like when she rode her bicycle off the mountain. It's flat-out ugly. She can probably wring laughs from it, but my kung-fu isn't up to that level yet.
In fact, logging on as Monponsett and trying to be funny at the moment just feels wrong- kind of like dressing hot for a wake. I'm doing it for three reasons.
1) Her kids are asleep, and I'm bored. I'd go into the wine cellar, but I have to drive myself home once the Colonel gets back.
2) I know that she hates when her column lies unattended.
3) If I don't do it, Abdullah is doing it. Abdullah can't type.
Enough preamble. Let's strap on some road flares and wander into the campaign office of NFL betting.
.......................................
Dallas 37, Green Bay 27
You can still bet this game if you have a blonde bookie.
Carolina 17, San Francisco 14
If Hillary Clinton had her campaign office in North Carolina, there's a good chance that Andy and Barney would have stormed theplace and took the dude out with like 24 shots to the face from the ol' service revolvers. Andy looks pretty laid back whenever I see him on the reruns, but those Southerners have a temper about them.
Buffalo 24, Washington 21
I was going to pick Washington to win the game in memory of their fallen comrade Sean Taylor, but Buffalo RB Marshawn Lynch has a blog that kicks enough ass to cause me to root against the Gipper boys.... Marshawn Lynch's Blog: Running Back for the Buffalo Bills
Tennessee 14, Houston 13
"Tennessee Houston" sounds like a playwright. "Houston Tennessee" sounds like a stripper. Unfortunately, I wrote Tennessee first, so I'm choosing them.
St. Louis 28, Atlanta 24
I just now thought of describing Stacey's situation as "bad, like turning-up-in-Cape-Wide-News bad," but that paragrapgh is big enough.
Philly 20, Seattle 19
I doubt that Seattle will eschew the running game against Philthydelphia like the Pats did, but Philly deserves a win after that loss of erectile funtion they suffered late in the Pats game that was otherwise a masterpiece for them.
I'm pretty sure that's a run-on sentence, but we're in crisis mode here at the Compound.
Minnesota 17, Detroit 13
The greatest Michigan athlete ever is Tom Brady. The second greatest is Scott Steiner. Check this classic mush-mouthed promo, which features quotes like "I only care about two things- my freaks and my peaks," "when I go behind, and do the bump and grind, it's only amatter of time... before you call me 'the Big Bad Booty Daddy'...." and "I'm gonna get you back for fractioning my face."....... YouTube - Best Poppa Pump Promo EVER! Size does matter, bitch!
Stacey has dozens of these bookmarked in her Favorites section on AOL. If she dies, we can produce various and multiple post-Stacey columns just by sorting through her junk. She's sort of like a much less threatening Tupac. You just need me to do Stacey-like things... like use dots (...) to indicate a pause in her speech, and ending declarative statements with "no?"
Indy 38, Jacksonville 28
I go to Duxbury High School, which is located in a fairly wealthy town. When field hockey games get heated and the trash-talking started, we were quick to use taunts like "I just got accepted into Cornell," or "I live in a $850,000 house"... especially against urban schools. This game is sort of the polar opposite of that... no matter who wins, someone's going to Dairy Queen.
San Diego 38, Kansas City 21
Charger LB Steve Foley got shot like twice as many times as Sean Taylor did- by a presumably well-trained cop, I might add- and while he's not back on the field or anything....
Miami 21, NY Jets 20
This Stupor Bowl is Miami's best chance to dodge that 0-16 staring down their throat.
Denver 21, Oakland 10
Oakland has the son of Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch running the ball, which saves them from the 2 TD spread I was going to Whammy them with.
Arizona 14, Cleveland 13
Kurt Warner fumbling in the end zone last week was the worst choke job since John Bonham drank 40 triple vodkas and then slept on his back.
New Orleans 23. Tampa Bay 18
I'm basically picking Chocolate City because I have their baseball hat.
NY Giants 24, Chicago 19
If a Saudi madman took hostages at an Illinois campaign headquarters, it would be an Obama/Osama Drama.
Pittsburgh 22. Cincy 21
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes you watch.
New England 17, Baltimore 15
I'm told that the field will resemble Mud Stew, which tends to keep the scores down.
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Nice timeout Ravens. So lets see, you got the Sox, Pats, Celts. How spoiled can you be? The Bruins don't count, except in 1972. I have the Chargers, Sonics, Padres, Blazers, I'm in hell. How many 4th and whatevers are the breaks gonna keep going your way? Hopefully the Steelers will put you out of your misery and Larry Csonka can chug his champagne and celebrate that NE has run out of breaks. I hope the Chargers NEVER give Tom Brady a 2nd set of downs after fumbling an INT. I'm bitter baybee!
12/4/07 4:36 PM