The Emotional Vortex

Learning.....You would think everyone would learn from mistakes eventually.  Then why do we make the same mistakes over and over again?  We either love the abuse, don't care about the outcome or figure this time it will be different.  Is it ever really different?  Or is it the same results, in a different disguise.  That is what I am trying to figure out. 

In my case, I keep reminding myself to not make the same mistakes again and again.  I never was a good listener I suppose.  At least where myself was concerned.  I am good at listening and helping others, I just tend to forget to listen to myself for myselfs preservation.  I keep opening myself up for dents in my emotional personage.  

I often wonder, if the reason I open myself up over and over again, is because I am just searching for something I am lacking, or will never find?  And then I wonder, what exactly would that be, that I am searching for.  Sometimes I get very tired questioning myself.  

And yet, I keep allowing myself to get close to people for some reason, knowing full well it will probably end up getting messed up.  I am so very tired of being 'played' with.  (Feeling a little dissed I am, can ya tell?  lol)  Tired of watching and knowing what people are doing to each other, and having to keep my mouth shut.  Watching people mistreat others with no reguard for their feelings, and not being able to say anything.  Not that they would believe me anyway.

Why do people do that to each other?  Why do they have to be so inconsiderate, selfish and uncaring?  Is their life so screwed up, that they have to mess everyone elses up?  Make everyone else as miserable as they are, so they don't feel so bad?  Or do they get some kind of a rush by ruining someone elses spirit?  I don't get that.  I never have, nor ever will.  I feel sorry for those who are on the receiving end of such treatment. 

I have been on the recieving end of such treatment, I have managed to survive it.  Others aren't as lucky.  Some don't know how to ignore the ignorance of others and take too much to heart.  They let those inconsiderate individuals ruin their day, and in some cases their life. 

Me?  I just get my feelings hurt, and then beat myself up even more, for even allowing it to happen in the first place.  I don't tend to dwell on it overly long though.  After venting, I let it go and I seem to be alright.  Is the price to pay for allowing myself to get too close to some people.  Guess that is something I will never learn.  I keep allowing people to get glimpses of me, get close to them and then get offended as it is carelessly tossed away.  As I said earlier in this journal thing, I should know better. 

Anyway, I think I am done for this page.  I will probably be writting another page sometime today, tonight or maybe even tomorrow.  Until then, bright blessings, and don't allow anyone to ruin your day.  You deserve better than that treatment.  :o) 

     "An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast;  a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind."  -- Buddha           {Thanks (((Draig))) and  quoteland.com  for quote  :o) }

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• #1 Comment from silverlight 
  4/20/04 1:10 PM | Permalink

  Condradulations  on  having a heart Moonpie. You know and I know that is hard to find. I used  to think that ...."Okay, this time will be better and take the so called love(man) back",,,,I definatley should have listened to friends and family.  Silly me had to learn the hard way. There are even a few  so called  friends that I choose not to talk to  any longer. They seemed to only want to use me for things like being a taxis , lendning money, etc. and when I needed help they weren't there for me.
   Now that I choose to remain single all I see almost everywhere I look is people hurting eachother or stabbing eachother in the back. What I see is  people who only care about theirselves and what they think that they can get out of it.
   It appears as tho if I myslef allow myslef to get  close to others they end up showing their true dark colors. Why do I attract these?  I have no idea. Am I desgined to live alone the rest of my life?