ALL ORIGINAL MATERIAL by  Moe Justice!!!!

7:35:47 PM EDT

An anonymous big hitter was in the locker room, thinking about the big game. Suddenly, right there in front him was standing the "Great Bambino" himself!!!

"Babe Ruth" exclaimed the star player. "What in the heck are you doing here!"

The Babe looked down, kicked his shoe, looked back up and asked, "So kid, tell me, what have they done to my game?"

The star player hesitated, then responded. "Well, we still use bats and balls, if that's what you're asking," he responded, somewhat ashamed.

"C'mon kid, level with me, what's all this I hear about steroids."

The star looked down and said nothing.

"Well," continued the Babe, "You tell the boys that they better give that junk up or they might not like it too much in the hereafter."

All kinds of images came into the players mind. Thoughts of hell, the devil and eternal torment.  "Gosh, Babe," he asked, "Is it really all that bad?"

"Worse," exclaimed the Babe, "Then even you can imagine."

"Steroid users all get drafted by the Chicago Cubs." the Babe stated fearfully.

"That's horrible!" responded the star.

"Oh, it gets worse!" continued the Sultan of Swat, "Much worse."

"The Cubs were sold to Cleveland..."

"Oh my Gosh, NOOOOOOOOOOO." cried the listener.

"Yes, I know. Well, as you know Cleveland is the home of Rock and Roll...."

"Go on." not really wanting to hear the rest, the baseball player responded.

"Janis Joplin sings the star spangled banner..."

"Jimmy Hendrix owns the concession stands....

"And Jim Morrison watches the Doors.......

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3:33:28 PM EDT

$1 per gallon = all-purpose cleaner, bathe in it, drive H-1 with air conditioner at Max.

$2 per gallon=  Fuel use only. Drive H-2 with air conditioner on "normal"

$2.50 per gallon= Call e-surance or Progressive for insurance quote. Trade in for H-3. Use "low" setting on A.C,

$3.00 per gallon= Raise Insurance deductible, car-pool, install solar panels in top of H-3. Drive with windows open.

$4.00 per gallon= sell H-3 for half of what you paid for it. Buy "mini-Cooper" and bus pass.

$5.00 per gallon = Trade in mini-cooper for "all weather" motor scooter.

$6.00 per gallon = Add extra seat to scooter and "car-pool". Buy gas from black market "broker" that carries extra-gallons in back of his truck.

$7.00 per gallon = Gas replaces fine aged wine as drink of choice at luxury restaurants. Trade in scooter for bicycle with banana seat and a baseball card in the spokes.

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4:10:42 PM EDT

Dear Moe: Is it true that most newspapers are written to a 6th grade reading level?

Signed: Can I become a reporter with a G.E.D?

 

Answer:

Dear G.E.D.

That was before "No Child Left Behind" became law. Now they are considering just writing with basic gutteral sounds like ugggg., duhhhh, oooga! etc...

One industry rumor is that someone is recommending an audio C.D. where former readers can just listen to random headlines spewed by an angry librarian. But, that rumor conflicts with the rumor that Napster would make pirated versions available for free!!!

We believe a more practical version would be an annual news CD that comes out at the beginning of the year with Generic stories that include the following:

1. Yankees are ahead in their division! Cubs are in the basement.

2. ________ was arrested for child _______

3. Dear Editor: I hate ___________

4. Dear Abby: ___________ is cheating on ______________

5. Congress voted to spend money today on ________________

6. ______________ says his opponent is a ________________.

The CDs' can be updated daily at a website where you decode the password from a vintage "little Orphan Annie" secret code ring!

 

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1:42:01 PM EDT

1. P-Chip,  (blocks political ads)

2. Donut Glasses (shows 3-D image of Rosie O'Donnel when you drive past a Crispy Cream)

3. Scented Ties (for airline flights over 3 hours long)

4. Inflatable wall (to put between you and the airline passenger next to you)

5. Inflatable heels (When you feel intimidated by tall people)

6. " Ad-Teeth"  (Revenue Generating Dentures)

7. Newspaper/Charmin combo roll (Now you can do both!)

8. I have other plans. (background C.D.)

9. Fingerprint scanner doorbell (for CEO's looking to avoid an indictment!)

10. "Do It Here!" sticker for your dog. (annoying neighbors?)

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1:26:22 PM EDT

1. "Paper or Plastic"   (American Idol wannabees)

2. "Elevator Sounds"  (Anonymous)

3. A Mercedes, a Chevy and two Dead Volkswagons (What's left of the Beatles)

4. My White Wedding!   (Paris Hilton)

5. Pretty Women (Duets by Boy George and Michael Jackson)

6. Dressed to the Nine's (Willie Nelson)

7. What's Under the Hat?  (R.E.M.)

8. I'm all lips, baby!  (Mick Jagger)

9. I'm your kinda man! (Jane Fonda)

10. Its Us Against Them! (Cast of "Lost")

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6:05:39 PM EDT

1. "Dang, why did she have to leave me! Why?"

2. "Do you always carry around your child's driver's license?"

3. "Did you know that your car smells like burning rope?"

4. "I couldn't help noticing that the crack in your windshield goes completely around the car!"

5. "Hey! Where did you get the "kitty" hood ornament?"

6. "O.K., I want you to slowly say the word, "enchilada"

7. "You do realize that that arrow was pointing in the other direction."

8. "Who was that waving to me from your open trunk?"

9. "Do you have a way to get home?"

 

 

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5:57:09 PM EDT

1). Employees will now be permitted to wear their rice bowls as protective head gear!

2). llama day care will  be open until 9 P.M.!

3) March 3 is now "bring a chuka to work day!"

4) Parking lot spaces will now face Mecca!

5) 401 K plans will offer Toyota preferred stock!

6) Metric tools are now available at your workstation!

7) "Ah so" will no longer be considered profanity when directed at a supervisor if the employee is bowing or not making eye contact.

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5:29:19 PM EDT
1) "I'm not following you Mr. Speaker, I might be on the wrong page."

2) To Barney Frank, "If I go public, will you promise to stand behind me?"

3)To Ted Kennedy, "Can I borrow your car?"

4) To O.J. Simpson, "Can I borrow your lawyer?"

5) To Bill Clinton, "You can have your desk back..."


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9:29:12 AM EDT

1. "Break Away " propellers.

2. Frequent Boater Miles.

3. Boat mechanics on "direct withdrawal" from your savings account.

4. Big engines in small lakes.

5. Barbecues

6.  playing "chicken"

7. Making whirlpools.

8. Using lawn furniture for extra seats

9. Boat cover  "parasailing"

10. Using the fishfinder to catch bait

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7:01:29 PM EDT

 

1. The bird you're aiming at goes "Meep! Meep!".

2. Your new gun was manufactured by "Acme"

3. Your name is Elmer Fudd, millionaire...you own a mansion and a yacht...

4. Your hunting party decides to form a circle and wait's quietly for a deer to come to the middle.

5. The guy drinking beer promises he will be "right behind you."

6. Your hunting buddy decides to wear his "turkey headress" so he can "become invisible."

7. Your elk drops dead on the wrong side of the "Private Property" sign.

8. Your son ran out of nails, so he borrowed them from your tree stand...

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