No More Appetite for Destruction

1:06:08 AM EDT

"This is your blog.  You shouldn't have to censor what you write.  I'd still be public, but I didn't want my readers to get involved with issues between my brother and me.  I'm a firm believer that the best journals, are the ones who write from the heart about their life.  Good and bad."

Yes, that's true.  But when I am speaking of some things it's SO one sided. (As was pointed out to me) 

For example:  You get stalked by someone here in J-land who chooses to be an Asshole and you don't know who it is to defend yourself against it.  You are basically blindsided.

But besides that I am putting too much personal info out there into cyberspace.  And truly, in my case, I don't need certain people who continue to harass my family to have that kind of ammunition.

But thank you for pointing that out.

~Hugs~

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10:57:33 AM EDT

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10:52:35 AM EDT

My journal is not private.  I changed my mind.  Hey....I can do that, right?  Thank you to those who e-mailed me and asked to be put on list of private readers. 

It was brought to my attention that I put too much of my private life in the public.  At first I was angry about it.  I got that look on my face that said, you pissed me off and the wall is coming up and I'm not talking about it.  I just sat there and said nothing for a long time.  How could I defend that?  I do write about the goings on in my family and sometimes I do say too much.  But that has always been me.  Open my mouth and insert my foot.  Yep......I am quite known for that.

So after a short while of getting reamed out and being quite pissed off about it.  I just decided to shrug it off.  I agreed that I do write about personal stuff, that in someone's opinion is NO ONE'S business but our own.  I don't remember if I vocalized that I agreed.  I just know that what was said was right.

So with that said.....I'm here.  I'm not going anywhere.  I won't post as much as I used to.  I just don't have that kind of time.  And I'll censor myself as to what I write. 

I have an uplifting entry coming up next.

~HUGS~

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9:36:26 AM EDT
Feeling Sad

My journal is being read by family members and has started problems.  I am letting you all know that I am going private. 

It will be private effective Monday.  I just wanted to let you all know so if you can leave me a comment I can add you to my private readers list.

Thanks!

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10:49:44 PM EDT
Feeling Exhausted

Hello.

Life in general has really been busy for me.  My job is kicking my butt and I love it. 

Life at home is busy as usual.  I have been going through my things and deciding what to keep, what to sell at yard sale, and what to ditch in the trash.

Today I cleared off all my walls downstairs- in the living room and dining room- well almost totally cleared my walls.  I still have a few things that have to come down yet.  I am going to be painting the entire downstairs an off white color to brighten up the place. 

For those of you that I talk to almost daily, you know what's going on.  For those of you who only catch my alerts, you have been in the dark.

I have been looking for an apartment.  I have to move.  My husband wants us to sell the house.  He is going to live with his grandmother along with our son.  I am going to have a place for myself, my daughter and my sister.

So....in the mean time I am packing stuff up and getting rid of stuff.  I am going to paint the inside of the house.  Even though he doesn't want to.  He wants to sell it "as is".  I want to try to get as much as we can for it.

Ugghhhh.

I just don't want to find an apartment and then have to struggle to pay both the rent on a place and part of the mortgage on the house.  That would not be good. 

I'm trying to find a place that is in the same area as where I am now.  To at least not uproot my daughter too far from her friends.

I'm trying to find homes for the dogs and cats that can't come with me.  I can only take one cat with us.  Hubby can't take any animals with him.  He works too many hours a week to take care of an animal and my teenage son can't be bothered with the chore of taking care of an animal, either.

It's been a rough year.  On a personal level, things just went backwards.  No marital counseling.  No real discussions as to what we were doing with our lives.  Just after I filed for divorce, he got the papers and he couldn't move back home fast enough.  As if that was the solution to our problems.  Nope.

My son is as disrespectful as ever towards me.  He has some major issues and I can't help him with them.  He tells all his friends terrible things about me and has even tried some BS toward me in front of his friends.  I quickly turn the tables and embarass him in front of his friends to give him the message I won't tolerate it.  If he makes it through high school, I will be majorly surprised.  He has failed most of this year.  Summer school may not even be an option.  Repeating the 10th grade may be the option.  He argues with me and tells me I'm stupid and he's passing up to 11th grade.  I don't know what I'm talking about.  He is going to be smarter than me and his father put together and he's going to college and making more money than me and his father put together.  Let me tell you, nothing would make me happier than to see my children be more successful than his parents have been.  But the reality of it is, I don't see it happening with my son with the path he is choosing to take.

My husband says he's 16, lay off of him, nothing you can do to make him do what he's supposed to do.  OK....so I should let him continue to do what he's doing???  I don't think so.  But, it's kind of pointless to try to force the issue with a teenager who thinks he knows everything.  I'll just let sleeping dogs lie.  Let him live with his father in the world with rose colored glasses.  UGGHHH.

Life with my daughter has had it's share of bumps in the road lately.  She is excited to move and get away from her brother.  She is a daddy's girl, so she'll see him as much as she can.  Which is not a problem to me.  She has been testing her boundaries and getting herself into trouble lately.  But she knows how far she can go before I rein her butt in.  She insists she won't be like her "butthead" brother.  I sure as heck hope so!  She is doing well in school.  She moves up to 6th grade next year.  WOW!!!  She's not so "little" any more!!!

This past Saturday she ran my butt off at Hershey Park.  It was the Girl Scouts trip.  We had a fantastic time getting through the park.  I was flat out EXHAUSTED yesterday- ALL DAY.  I am still feeling it today. 

I have to get out in the next week or 2 and buy her some summer clothes.  She is going to be spending her time this summer between the local pool and the shore with hubby's parents.

My son is obligated to complete community service- the rest of the 112 hours he was given- that will take him until June 22nd to complete.  (that's a story in itself) After that I imagine he will "officially" move out of here and into his grandma's house.  He will be "officially" his father's responsibility.

I'm just going through the daily motions around here.  Keeping as busy with work as possible.  Which is not difficult since the spring through the late fall is the busiest at my work.  I am trying not to fall apart in front of anyone.  However, I do find myself snapping at everyone around me.  Which is not cool.  But I can't seem to stop myself from doing it. 

Much of it comes from frustration of not being successful at my marriage.  Not successfull with the parenting of my son.  Not successfull with keeping up with my "money pit" of a home.  (Not having a partner keeping up with it as well has been a major problem.)  The thing I've heard for years is "I work too much" to do anything at home.  The neighbor next door works full-time.  His wife is home full-time.  Yet, when he is home I always see him doing stuff with his house.  I guess I just don't get it and it frustrates me to no end.  I am expected to do everything and I am totally overwhelmed with the amount of things that need to get done.  I just can't do it.  That makes me feel like a failure and it's quite depressing.

NO...I am not saying these things for a pity party.  So please don't think that.  I am just expressing my thnoughts and feelings.  Something I can do easier here rather than voicing them out loud.  I can't discuss these things with my husband, whom should be considered my best friend.  I just can't.  It's too difficult for me to do.  He has always made me feel defensive.  I put a wall up when he picks on how I do things.  I think, OK, he can't pick on me if I stop doing those things.  So where does that leave things?  A big damn mess- that's what!!!

So....now I am stuck with trying to fix things before we sell this house and there is TONS to get in order.  There is no "fixing" things between us.  We just co-exist in this house.  He agrees that we are done and yet there are times when he expects things from me and it sends all kinds of confusing signals to my brain.  And then he wonders what my problem is.  It's easier to say I have a headache or I don't feel well rather than explain what my problem is.

Again....it's quite frustrating.

What a mess things are.  Just trying to muddle through one day at a time.  If you've hung around to get through all this rambling......THANK YOU!!!! 

I'm done rambling for now.  I'm beat and I'm gonna turn in to bed shortly.

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8:16:13 AM EDT

OK.....don't keel over.  Yes, you really DID get an alert that showed I posted an entry!  LOL!!

All joking aside.  Life has been really busy for me.  My job is kicking my ASS, but I love it.

Personal life sucks.  Can't get into it right now. 

Got to get ready for work.  Will fill you all in later.

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11:11:09 AM EDT

My daughter is 10.  She's my baby.  She got taken out shopping last night by her Dad to shop for Mom.  (Awwwwww.)

I got an awesome card, A Cherished Teddy, Vanilla CupCake Candle from Yankee Candle and a coupon giftbook she did in school.  The coupons are cute! 
On one of the coupons she said she is treating me to a Day at the Nail Salon and Spa.

I'll admit....I got teary eyed and cried.

The rest of the day is mine to relax and be ready to be taken out for dinner tonight.

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10:06:44 AM EDT

Happy Mother's Day............

May you be remembered fondly by your children, spouses, significant others and all family and friends whom are important to you.

I know that Mother's Day can mean different things to different people.  It's not always the easiest day on the calendar for some, and I want to honor those of you who will have a difficult time with today's holiday.

Blessed be all of the moms, the moms to be, and the moms of spirit- nearest and dearest to our hearts- that we are surrounded by.

So with that said............may you all have a *WONDERFUL* day!!!

Hugs,

Gina

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10:12:47 AM EDT
Hearing Pink Floyd: Brick In The Wall

At work.  Worked until 7:15 last night.  Last thing I wanted to go near was the computer since I was in front of one all day....LOL!!

I hope all is well in J-Land.  I'll catch up one of these days......

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2:51:17 PM EDT

I'm a lover of animals.  We have a new addition to the family.

I drove my son to school last monday morning.  On the way back I almost ran over a kitten.  So.....I ran out.....bundled the little fella....Yep...it's a boy....and put him in the car with me.

He purred and roamed ALL over me on the 5 minute drive home.  I come in the house with this little guy and I my daughter, sister and my hubby look at me funny.  LOL!!  Where did he come from?  Well....I almost hit him with the car and now he's ours.

He is a young fella.  The towel he likes to lay on....he tries to eat it.  Like it's his mama.  He's a little Butterball......that name might stick.

But I'm open to suggestions....LOL!!!

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