Twilight Dreams & Other things....

Another friend, another terminal disease. Is this why I keep people at a distance? So no one close to me gets sick and I have to watch them and their condition deteriorate? She's strong and she's going to fight it like she's had to scratch and claw for everything else in her life. There's nothing I can do. I'm powerless and I hate that. I can't stop her from hurting and I damn sure can't make her start her treatment right now.She's got so much stuff on her plate right now and all I should do is be there in the corner when she needs me. Her focus should be on doing whatever she can to prolong her life and delay the symptoms, not worrying about whether she can carry a baby to term because she knows how much her husband wants a child of his own and the last tbing she would want to do is disappoint him. It can't be lost on him that if it costs him her life to carry this child, that the child would then grow up without a mother.  -sigh- No child should have to do that. I'm writing more than I wanted but this is weighing heavily on me. I don't know the exact risks or odds but I want her here and I want her happy, even if she can't conceive safely. I've already lost one friend too soon. Someone I loved just as I have loved her. ( No, I'm not even going to suggest that loving me can kill you but there is evidence to support this, eh? ) I'm going back to pray... I just hope God is still listening.

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1. Everyone gets a certain number of heartbeats in their lifetime. Some more than others but we all have the same opportunity... no, the obligation to make every one of them count for something. That doesn't mean nonstop action... just continuous living. We all get bogged down at some time or another ... no one can resist that... but the clock doesn't stop ticking. Time doesn't stand still and it doesn't wait. Life is precious. Treat it as such.

2. Even with that being said, sometimes the dreams and the goals that I harbor within my heart have to be put off, even sacrificed under certain circumstances, for the greater good. It doesn't make it any easier knowing this but while I do have to live, still I must do so unselfishly. What's good for me doesn't necessarily make it the best possible scenario for the others that would be affected by the decisions I make in order to reach that outcome. Slowing down just long enough to consider the consequences to my actions might save a lot of pain and discomfort in the long run. That's worth avoiding although some people I know would argue with me that I think too much and that pain is an integral part of living, a source of vital learning. Still, I want to avoid it as much as possible. Even at cost.

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So I heard it today. I was sitting here, behind my computer desk, just doing alot of nothing and I still heard it. The windows were closed being it's january, although we're experiencing warmer temperatures than we're accustommed to at this time of year and still I heard it. Very faint, to be sure, but somehow I just knew it, felt it. Rainy days, mondays and quite possibly the saddest, lonliest calling I've ever heard whispered on the wind. It might be a bird call, sound, communication of some kind... I don't know but I do know there was no discernible response to it. Maybe it's an owl. I have heard them before, just never connected the two together. Anyway, I sat here and listened to it for a few minutes. I listened to it until it just stopped.. abruptly. Either (s)he got the response waited for or just decided it was time to pack it in for the day. No love today... again.

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Almost seven months to the day later and my heart aches as much now, if not more, than it did when I made my last entry. Today I received word from someone I trust that someone else, near and dear to me, had passed. When last we spoke, we talked about her illness and I urged her to stay with her treatment, if it was going to save her life. She was so proud of her son and life was finally beginning to smile on her in ways that she certainly deserved. She wanted to live, she wanted to be happy and I wanted everything in the world for her because she had been through so much in life. I don't want to go into details; I'll cry more if I do but she never gave up, always looked for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. We started out as friends and became so much more with time. Now she's gone and I'm just numb. I loved her so much and she loved me despite all my numerous flaws. She was an angel to me in many of my darkest hours, always encouraging, always supporting, always loving me without hesitation. I miss her, I know her son misses her, I know everyone that knew her and loved her misses her tonight. Tomorrow, I'll pull out all reminders I have of her... letters, pictures and song and say my goodbyes. She's gone too soon. I miss you, Erika. I miss you and I love you so much but now you hurt no more. And that atleast comforts me.

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Si telephonium non tintinnat, Ego voco / If your phone doesn't ring, it's me

Si dies hodiernus esset piscis, reicerem / If today were a fish, I'd throw it back

Mater cape malleum, musca sedet in capite Patris / Mother get the hammer, there's a fly on Papa's head

Si me deseras, liceatne mihi te comitari? / If you leave me, can I come too?

Per anulum illa trusit digitum medicinalem, Ac ostendit mihi digitum medium / She got the ring, and I got the finger

Sine te tam miser sum ut videaris etiamnunc adesse / I'm so miserable without you it's like having you here

Sit iucundus tibi dies                                                                                                   Have a nice day.

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Have you ever been in love?

Horrible, isn't it?

It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside of you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends" or "How perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love.

I hate love.

                                                                                                                            ~Rose Walker

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Everything is so complicated anymore. What one day seems so certain, the next day fills me with questions and unquiet thoughts. I'm not blessed with the ability to just shut out certain things, to stop pondering their plausability, to just let them go. Not always and not today. When I'm on the tightrope, I should never look down. It's when I do that I feel I've already fallen and broken into many pieces. I don't expect it to be easy. I mean, why should it start now? If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, anything worth having requires work. hard work. Shoulder to the grindstone and giving it all you've got work. And sometimes relationships are like cooking. Use the right combination of ingredients and you've got a tasty meal, lip smackingly good, one that you want all the time because it fills you and you don't leave the table hungry. Then sometimes you add too much of this or that, not enough of something else and it just leaves a bitter, sometimes funny taste in your mouth that's not at all funny. Just as an aside, cooking while naked might be hazardous. Being in a relationship naked, while oftentimes more pleasant than not, can be hazardous also. I'll leave it at that. It's not premature to announce now that I've found something wonderful, or atleast I think it is and that while it excites me, it also frustrates me, not knowing how and what will happen. I'm not a fortune teller and while I've been told that I assume much, believe me when I say it's not arrogance. It's experience, painful experience, expecting and being disappointed experience. I don't know what sense this makes if any but I just needed to get it out and see it. I keep pushing against my limitations, trying to break through them with some superhuman effort but it's pointless really. I'm not superhuman and we have to accept a certain amount of helplessness in regards to our circumstances, I think. You can't combat forces of nature, existential or otherwise. We're here for such a short time, people tell me life is too short not to enjoy every  minute, lighten up, give it a break, don't worry about the little stuff and it's all little stuff. I'm trying. Really. But I am who I am. Even if sometimes I wish I wasn't. It hasn't happened recently but I really loathe when someone tells me, suggests to me that I should be more like that person over there or someone else. I have so few human credentials as it is. I can't afford having the few people who can get close to me wishing I were something else, somehow different. Eh, the past dredges up dreadful memories...

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... such things,

though rare in time,

are frequent in eternity.

~Byron, "Cain"

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Some of us walk down dark alleyways every night of our lives without any fear or apprehension of what might lie in wait just beyond the reach of the streetlamps that patrol the borders, dimmed as they might be. Either we're so intimately knowledgeable of all the potential perils and confident because of what we've already overcome  or the decision has been made not to cross any bridges until they've been approached, letting the cookie crumble how it will, as it were. With a new year, some corridors are truly put in the past; others wait to be successfully traipsed after repeated attempts or just because we enjoy what it holds in some way so we keep going back to them and still others will be born, arise from what circumstances surround us at any given time. If I look hard enough, squint my eyes in just the right way.... I can see myself making progress, more progress in some, less in others but as always, reacting and learning, living and breathing, hoping my candle remains lit for yet another year.

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