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10:32:00 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing Walk On..... U2
Just around the corner and it used to give me the bends.
I was driving along the highway earlier this evening and for reasons unbeknownst to me at the time, decided to take a longer route to my destination. Ahead of me, the horizon looked for all the world like a huge wall, the clouds towering and dark with just the slimmest glimpse of daylight, sunlight or clarity beyond them. It was then that it struck me that in just a matter of days, just over a week from now, it will be November again. November. Just saying it and thinking about it used to unnerve me, depress me, make me anxious with anticipation of what ill tidings or unfortunate events were waiting to happen to me when the dreaded month finally rolled around again. I could go into a laundry list of my reasons for dreading it but then that would be perhaps too revealing in some aspects. The point is that 'it' has never been good to me. Sure, Thanksgiving is a great day, good food and great friends, sometimes even better football but that's just one day. I've been plagued by the other twenty-nine for roundabout twenty years now. This is not a joke and I have not treated it lightly. I've broken off relationships on the last day of October so that would be one less thing I'd have to worry about during the next thirty days. You can run but you can't hide, eh? Some of the things were just plain unfortunate, some coincedental and still others brought on by my own willful self-fulfilling prophecy. Who knows? Anyway, I want this one to be different. I don't want to dread it, run from it or ignore it. I don't want to cut people off. I don't want and I'm not willing to go on sacrificing myself. It's within my personal power to change so I've got ten days to prepare and then four weeks of standing on proving ground...
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10/20/04 11:55 PM