Twilight Dreams & Other things....

Everything is so complicated anymore. What one day seems so certain, the next day fills me with questions and unquiet thoughts. I'm not blessed with the ability to just shut out certain things, to stop pondering their plausability, to just let them go. Not always and not today. When I'm on the tightrope, I should never look down. It's when I do that I feel I've already fallen and broken into many pieces. I don't expect it to be easy. I mean, why should it start now? If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, anything worth having requires work. hard work. Shoulder to the grindstone and giving it all you've got work. And sometimes relationships are like cooking. Use the right combination of ingredients and you've got a tasty meal, lip smackingly good, one that you want all the time because it fills you and you don't leave the table hungry. Then sometimes you add too much of this or that, not enough of something else and it just leaves a bitter, sometimes funny taste in your mouth that's not at all funny. Just as an aside, cooking while naked might be hazardous. Being in a relationship naked, while oftentimes more pleasant than not, can be hazardous also. I'll leave it at that. It's not premature to announce now that I've found something wonderful, or atleast I think it is and that while it excites me, it also frustrates me, not knowing how and what will happen. I'm not a fortune teller and while I've been told that I assume much, believe me when I say it's not arrogance. It's experience, painful experience, expecting and being disappointed experience. I don't know what sense this makes if any but I just needed to get it out and see it. I keep pushing against my limitations, trying to break through them with some superhuman effort but it's pointless really. I'm not superhuman and we have to accept a certain amount of helplessness in regards to our circumstances, I think. You can't combat forces of nature, existential or otherwise. We're here for such a short time, people tell me life is too short not to enjoy every  minute, lighten up, give it a break, don't worry about the little stuff and it's all little stuff. I'm trying. Really. But I am who I am. Even if sometimes I wish I wasn't. It hasn't happened recently but I really loathe when someone tells me, suggests to me that I should be more like that person over there or someone else. I have so few human credentials as it is. I can't afford having the few people who can get close to me wishing I were something else, somehow different. Eh, the past dredges up dreadful memories...

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• #1 Comment from moonhillwitch 
  3/7/05 8:17 AM | Permalink

  I know how you feel in certain aspects of this particular entry.  I have picked up pieces of myself on multiple occasions, and have put them back together and trooped onward.  And yes, I agree, anything work it's weight in gold, requires the time, patience and work to keep it.
  
  I must say, I never thought about relationships and cooking in the same manner, but the way you describe it, they do seem very similar.  Actually, a good way to put it when it seems hard to explain to someone.   I may have to borrow that analogy some time.  :o)  If it's alright with you that is.  :o)  
  
  Have a great day!
  
  ~Moonie