Thoughts of a Not-So Teenage Girl

This weekend at work was awful.

I came in Sat night with absolutely no intention of being a bitch.  In fact, I came in thinking, "Today is going to be a good day.  I'm not going to be in a bad mood.  I'm going to smile and be happy."  Famous last words.

I came in and Tori and Alex, the two worst employees we have, weren't doing their jobs--they weren't even behind conessions.  The ice machine wasn't working--we were so out.  The popcorn machine was overheated, so we had to start a second kettle.  (Which meant that it was going to be harder for me to find someone to clean it that night.)  Nachos hadn't been restocked, hotdogs had to be put on the grill, and EVERYONE was calling my name, "Can I be counted out?  Can I count my candy?  So-and-so isn't doing their job."

So I quickly adopted a bitchy attitude.  And it was while I was asking Beau to get me medium cups, that Miranda goes, "Uh...Shirlyn.  What's with your attitude?  You don't have a right to be a bitch.  You haven't even been here 5 seconds.  Talk to me after you've been here an hour."  Effectively making André take notice, agree, and walk away without getting my cups.  André is my bitch.  He does what I tell him to.  It also proceeded to piss me off even more.  Fuck her!  Like she has a right to tell me when I do and do not have the right to have an attitude!  It's none of her business!

So I confronted her about it later, "I want you to know that it pissed me off even more that you said something about me having an attitude.  I know when I do and do not have an attitude," and proceeded to tell her why.  "Oh," she says, "Well sorry I offended you."

"I know I overreacted, but telling me I have an attitude is not going to make it get any better any time soon."  Whatever.

Then later, Tori goes missing from concessions.  When Tori and Alex are working, I watch them, so that I can use something on them when I need them to work, like I did in this instance.  She comes back in concessions, and I'm getting popcorn, we exchange a few words, (I don't remember what we talked about,) and a customer comes up to my register, and she points at them to let me know they're there.  (As if I don't already know.)  So I put down what I'm doing, even though she's just standing there, and I help the customers.  And when I'm done, I go in the kitchen, where she's now eating with the asst. manager, and I stand there, and she goes, "Yes?"  And I said, "Whacha been up to?"  "Nothing."  "I noticed."  "What?"  "Where were you, because you weren't in conessions."  "Yes I was."  "No you weren't.  You just got back.  You've been gone for a while."  "I went for a smoke break and I came back and started eating."  "Really?  That's all?"  "Yes."  "A smoke break doesn't take 30 minutes."  "I wasn't gone for 30 minutes."  "Yes, you were.  Don't lie to me Tori, I was looking for you."  "No I wasn't.  You have an attitude problem and you need to cool down."  And Brittany, the asst. manager, is in there, and it's at that point that she goes, "Okay.  You two need to cool down."  And I'm thinking, 'WTF!?  I'm the fuckin' concessions supervisor!  She's not supposed to talk to me like that, and you're just going to let her get away with it!?  Forget you.  I'm going to Lisa about Tori when she gets back.'

Then later, I'm trying to find someone to clean the popcorn machine.  I've cooled down.  I'm trying to be nicer.  And I'm ASKING, not telling, someone to do it, and I ask Tori.  She says, "No way!  I clean it every time I close."  And I was like, "No you don't."  And she said, "Yes, I do!"  And I'm thinking, 'No, you don't, because I make a point of not asking you to do it, because I know you'll bitch about it.'  And I'm finally like, "Whatever."

Later, we're in the kitchen eating our dinners, and she goes, "Sorry."  And I'm like, "It's alright."  I said, "I only asked because Kim never cleans the pop. machine.  Amber doesn't know how, and she leaves in 2 weeks, so I'm not about to teach her.  Miranda gets off early tonight, and I have to clean it tomorrow."  So she goes, "Okay.  Well...If it's the only thing I have to do tonight."  And I'm like, "Do the popcorn machine, count your candy, and you can leave for all I care."  "Okay!"  And it was then that I realized the reason Tori's been cleaning the popcorn machine latelyis because she and I have been making deals like that.  So next time I'm going to be more than happy to pull that on her.

Tonight, I did come in pissed.  I didn't want to be, but last night made me ill.  When I'm pissed, I tend to make use of the silent treatment, and so I guess everyone knows I'm pissed when I'm not jumping up and down and yelling.  I said fewer words tonight than any other night in my whole life.  And nothing really bad happened tonight, except for when I first got there...

Miranda and I are in the kitchen snacking, and I don't know how it came up, but she said that people don't listen to me.  Which was news to me.  Everything that I ask to be done eventually gets done--odd, that one, but I thought it was because people were actually doing what I told them to.  So she goes on about my attitude, and how I don't say please and thank you, and how I say everything in a whiney voice.  And Rebecca walks in and I go, "Rebecca, why don't you think people listen to me?"  I didn't say they didn't, I just asked, and she goes, "Well, I think it's because..."  And I was like, 'WTF!  If anything, I thought SHE would be in my side.  Going, "What do you mean?"'  OMG!  And then Jeanette walks in, and I ask her the same question, and she starts on about my tone of voice, and how I don't ask nicely.  WTF!?!?!?  Is nobody in my corner?

So, obviously, I got upset.  And later Jeanette goes, "Are you mad about what we said?  We were just trying to offer constructive criticism."  And I'm like, "Not mad.  Just confused, and disappointed.  I didn't know that no one was listening to me."  And she goes, "Well, no one listens to anyone.  And I don't know where Miranda got that 'whiney' thing from," trying to placate me.  Forget her.

Forget everyone.  Why the fuck am I concessions supervisor if no one is going to listen to me?  Fuck them!  At this rate, if they thought I was a bitch before, they ought to see me next weekend!  Damn them if they think I'm going to tell them to do something, and they're not going to do it RIGHT THEN! (The only good thing that came out of Jeanette's mouth was, "You know what would really scare them?  If they gave you the ability to writepeople up."  After I said something about, "They don't think the note that Lisa posted [about the fact that people giving me a hard time would be written up] was serious.  Well, they're about to find out.")  I've been trying to be nice.  I've been working REALLY hard on my 'please's and 'thank you's.  And so it pissed me off when Miranda goes, "Wow!"  When I reflexively told Lux 'thank you' for bringing me kernels.  Bitch.  She doesn't know what I do.  She's not with me 100% of the time.  She can't judge me.

Whatever.  Whatever.  Everyone will see next month.  I've been trying to brush off this people talking about me behind my back, thing, but I've never had it pushed in my face so hard before.  I'm in charge, and they will deal, or be dealt with.

Also, tomorrow, I'm going to a theme park with my friends.  I want to have a good time, but sadly, I'm pretty sure I won't.  Whenever I go hang out with my friends, some little thing always ends up setting me off, and I end up ruining my whole night.  I just don't know when that's going to happen.  I'm not trying to sound pathetic, but it's true.  I think it's a biological part of depression that I inherited from my dad.  We'll see, though.

naturesyingnyang at 12:24:46 AM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

Let's start with the earliest date and get to the latest, shall we?

Today, Chad got in a wreck.  He was having heart issues, he blacked out, and he ran a redlight, and a car ran into him.  He kept driving, though, and he finally came-to half a mile down the road, so he got accused of fleeing the scene, even though he was blacked out.

Chad wants us to go to Adventure Landing for Rebecca's birthday.  Her birthday is on the 26th, we're going on the 30th.  My insurance is due the 4th.

He, Rebecca, and I are going to my dad's at the beach for four days Independence Day weekend.  We have to basically pay for our own food and parking at the beach, and gas.  I don't know how I'm going to make it with only $300, because my insurance is due the 4th.  I have 'til the 25th to pay it, but I don't know because tuition is due July 13th.  I hope I talked my mom into paying for her taxes, (which have already been prepared,) so I won't have to pay for that.  And then we're also going to Biltmore Aug. 1-3.  It's been decided.  So I would need my paycheck that week to pay for everything while I'm there.

It will work out.

The NYC trip that was planned for Aug. 12th-15th, has been cancelled.  I just can't afford it.  It's been postponed for Spring Break.  Hopefully I'll still be able to meet my friend Jessica there.

That's what will make it work out.  I'm giving up a big trip...Something I was really hoping for...To be able to do other things.  I deserve to be able to go on these other trips.  It's called karma.  I am a good person.

So this is what's on my mind right now.  And it's worrying the heck out of me.

Smile! : )

naturesyingnyang at 1:29:08 AM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

So this is a new feeling.  It happens to me, I'm one of those people that likes to try new things.  My mom is one of those people who likes to get in the car and just "go crazy."  So I'm no fool to adventure, or going somewhere you've never been before.

But right now I'm feeling like crazy adventurous.  In a way this feels like that time I wanted to go drinking with my friends, but in a way it's not.  The reason I say it is, is because my mom and my relationship is the most severed it's been...Ever...In my whole life.  We've always been really tight, but for the last month or so it's more like we're roommates than friends.  Even if we are friends, I'm not doing too well with mine right now, anyway.

I made the decision today that I am going to shave my head.  ...Probably before I'm 20...Maybe before I'm 30...Definitely before I have kids.  I've always liked the idea.  Freeing yourself from the superficial.  Even if it weren't that, it's just being free and different.  I normally get this idea like every other girl does when I'm feeling depressed or something, but today when I made the decision, I was calm and pretty clear-headed.  So I made a promise to myself that I won't shave my head unless I'm perfectly clear-headed to do it.  I don't want to shave it off and regret it later.

I brought up the idea of going on a vacation to Chad and Rebecca...Well, the three of us going on vacation.  They seemed to think I was joking.  I'm being totally serious.  I want to go to the Biltmore Estate.  I went there a couple of years ago and loved it, and I don't really do the beach being 50 pounds overweight and everything.  They haven't said anything since I brought it up.  I got to thinking about it today, anyway, and I'm sure their parents wouldn't let them come.  Chad's parents MIGHT trust me enough to let him come, but I don't think Rebecca's grandma would trust either Chad or me.  And I don't mind doing co-ed rooms, but I'm sure that their parents won't appreciate it, and I would feel bad making Chad pay for a room by himself, but I don't really have anyone else I could invite without having to invite 5 other people, all from the movie theatre, and then that weekend they wouldn't have anyone to work.  But I really don't have anyone else to invite.  The only other two people I would ask to come with me are my sister and my friend Miranda, and Miranda's def. more of a beach person, and I can't take my sister, because no one would be home to watch my brother.  Biltmore is not somewhere that you go by yourself. 

On the other hand, I was looking up prices for hotel rooms in NYC.  I would go there by myself.  Plenty of single women LIVE in NYC, there's no reason that I couldn't stay there for 3 days.  (Of course, most of those women were RAISED in NYC...)  I might go in August, the weekend after exams.  I need to check out the NYU campus anyway.  I'll have to see how much money I have.

So I'm totally feeling this independence thing, and in a way I hate it.  At least, at a university, you have a roommate that you can do these things with, or friends that you've had a couple of classes with, or HS friends that went to the same uni.  I've got that here at home, but we're still at home, so it's awkward for us to go hang out together if we didn't really do it before.  If I had someone to do things with, I would be on top of this 100%.

naturesyingnyang at 12:14:50 AM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

I'm just gonna tell you--straight up--it's RDJ!  <3  Sexy, can I...?  Just part of my manner...

So, I wrote this really long entry two days ago, and it didn't post.  Which sucked.

Found out André is a junior...in H.S.  So even if he were only 4 months younger than me (which breaks my "don't date younger guys" rule,) then he's still 2 years behind me in mind.  That's gross.  I feel like a child molester.  The problem being now that I don't have anyone else to latch on to.  I don't know who to go to.  I keep going for Chad, but he's so obviously taken.  (His smittenness with Rebecca makes me want to be physically sick every time I see them together.  (Which is why it was weird when we went to Sam's the other day and he says, "Why did you ask me to come with you?"  And I'm like..."Um..." genuinely confused, and I said, "Because you were the only one not working, and I didn't want grease all over my car seats."  And he was like, "Oh.  I thought you asked me for the companionship."  And I, still confused, was like, "Oh.  Well, that was a plus, too.  I think, deep down, he's really torn between me and Rebecca.)

And so this is what's getting to me...I need a boyfriend.  I've never needed a boyfriend so desperately in my whole life.  Like, I've never said that seriously before--ever.  If I said it before, I was just lonely.  This is a NEED.  I need someone to be sickeningly sweet with when I go hang out with Chad and Rebecca so that I don't notice their sickeningly sweetness.  My mom actually brought up the question the other day, "Would you go out on double dates with me?"  And I'm like, "Sure.  But I think I would need a boyfriend first."

And so I'm thinking about it tonight...I'm like, "It's not my looks.  It can't be my looks."  There are girls out there that are so much uglier than me that have boyfriends.  Of course, those girl's boyfriends are the kind I don't want, and that I try to steer clear from.  (The druggie-looking guy with the scruffy half-goatee, who's too skinny, and probably has 50 crowns on his teeth.)  But I haven't even been asked.  I got asked out genuinely, like, once--not as a back-up.  You get guys that were rejected by some girl, and they come ask you to go out with them to make themselves feel better...Yeah...That guy has asked me out a couple of times.  But only once was I truly asked to go out with someone because they liked me, and I was 13, and I had to say no because he was black.

I'm at the point now, where, had I not known that André was a junior, and knowing that he has a girlfriend, I would have played second string to her if he asked me to, just to have someone that I could call if I needed him to go on a date with me.

And there's the song "You Can't Hurry Love" (not that I'm trying to find "love") and the quote, "A watched pot never boils."  But I don't know how I can possibly NOT watch the pot when I'm THIS desperate.

Now I need a boyfriend for practicality, not romance.  How sad.

Otherwise, I tested out of SPA101 and into SPA102 after four days.  I almost didn't make it because of time, but I it worked out.  I think this will be the first class I've ever made a 'B' in while in college.

I'm working...Working...Working...But it's not as bad as before, although I've noticed I'm getting lazier.  It's so much easier to tell someone else to do it.  But I think I'm being less bitchy to customers, because I've finally just realized that I'm the boss, and if so-and-so is not behind concessions helping the rest of us restock, I can just yell at them to get back there and help us.  I also don't have to be on a register as much.

I work a morning shift next Sat!  I am SO pumped!  I miss them so much!  My friend Zan was like, "You're going to be like, 'What!?  The theatre's open during the daytime?  You mean there's light when we're open?"  We always make jokes about how I'm doomed to work closing shifts for the rest of my life by taking this promotion.

I'm severing my relationship with Rebecca.  I know these underlying emotions that would make most people go, "I'm not quite sure why I'm pushing away."  I'm like, "I know exactly why."  While any other person would say:  "I'm pushing her away because she and I have opposing personalities.  She's always telling me to 'Be quiet,' or 'Calm down.'  When I'm ALREADY calm, or when I don't want to be."  Which is true for us...I know that the real reason I'm pushing her away is because I'm jealous. 

What?  Why?  Why would I be jealous?  I've established that I don't want the clinginess...But I think if Chad and I went out it wouldn't be clingy.  But I couldn't go out with Chad because he's going out with Rebecca, and if they broke up and we went out, either Rebecca or I would probably have to quit, and...Too much drama.  Honestly, I'm just gonna tell you...I think she's stupid for not seeing that he and I would make a better couple than the two of them. 

Everyone else sees it but the two of them.  And it's kind of like Romeo and Juliet, or a HG/DM fic, but it's TRUE!  My family sees it, and his family sees it, and I see it.  And if it's Romeo and Juliet, or HG/DM I can totally see their side...But this time I can't.  I don't know why they're still together.  They spend a lot of quality time together...I don't even know if they've started kissing...  But if they haven't...There's nothing that Chad and Rebecca are doing that he and I aren't doing--with the exception of the excessive quality time and PDAs.  Honestly, I think his dad's right...He might as well be dating the two of us.  That kind of makes me mad.  And someone might say that it's my fault and I've pushed it, and I'm sure I have a little, but not enough for me to come to this conclusion.  I would be more mad if I thought Chad realized it.

Anyway, so this is why I need a boyfriend.  Wish me luck!

Smile! : )

naturesyingnyang at 12:34:48 AM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

I love this song.  If you love dance music, pop musice, whatever, this is your song.  Check it out.

So...I'm writing because I know that two days ago I felt the need to write, and I figured if I started I would figure out why.

Brandy's last day was today.

And I'm thinking that somehow this promotion thing might have been planned.  This past weekend I noticed that I was basically given all rights.  Which is not making Brandy's paranoia of me any better.  We got in this one fight once because she believed stuff people said that I had said about her.  During that fight, she said, "Well, you know, we always get in fights like this."  No.  We didn't.  That was the only fight we had--have ever had, and I knew then that she was paranoid about people talking about her, and she would never trust me.  That was her problem when we weren't working together and I was just any other employee, then I got promoted.  Ever since then she's just like, 'You're after my job.' You can see it on her face.  Then I found out she was leaving.  Not an issue with me.  I'm sick of her drama.

(Wow.  Brandy's been supervisor for 5 months.  That's incredible.  I've not trusted this one girl, Amber, for 5 whole months.  She's the one that started the stuff between me and Brandy.  I still feel like it's been two months.  I feel like I just started a few months ago, myself, and it's been almost a year.)

What made me happy, though, is this:  I was planning to throw a 'going away' party for her on Thurs.  Well, I was working with a few people on Wed. night who managed to convince me not to have the party.  "Shirlyn, I didn't even think you liked her."  "Shirlyn, no one here dislikes her, but they don't like her."  "So many people don't like each other."  "If so-and-so's going, then I'm not going."  "I might not have enough money."  "Just don't order the cake."

It was really the last comment that got me, to which I responded, "If I don't get a cake, I'm not having a party."  The complaints changed then.  "No, don't do that.  If it means that much to you, we'll go.  But for you, not her.  We'll go for you."  Well, if they weren't going to go for her, there wasn't much use in me throwing a party.  What made me happy was that they would go for me.  It's not that, alone (although having people say they would go through something unpleasant just to make you happy is nice)--what that comment meant to me was that I am not going to have as many problems as Brandy had when she became supervisor.

When Brandy started, everyone talked about her.  No one thought she deserved the job.  They were not willing to listen to what she said.  For the first month, she would clean the popcorn machine because she was so concerned with everyone liking her that she wasn't going to ask anyone to do the task.  Then it became obvious she was ignorant.  She didn't know what she was doing.  Everyone was coming to me with their questions anyway.  "What do I do?"  "How do I do this?"  "Where is that?"

The party was probably mostly what I wanted to talk about.  Not a lot has been happening with Chad and Rebecca and me--and nothing has been happening with André.  Rebecca has been going to Chad's church without inviting me.  I will be going for the first time next Wed., and that's only because my friend Zan, who is Devin's girlfriend, who is Chad's best friend and bass man in the church band, (Chad's the drummer), (both Zan and Devin work with us), invited me.  I've been avoiding Chad and Rebecca because I'm getting bored.  They talk about nothing when we're all together--literally--they will not speak.  When I'm with one or the other we tend to talk.  I've been doing my best to avoid Rebecca lately, considering we've been working a lot of the same shifts, because when we talk, she's always getting on me for something--I complain too much, I talk too loud, I talk about people.  When I talk to Chad, we gossip about everybody, and we yell at each other, it's fun.  So, like, today, I went and talked with Miranda and Amber when they got there.

André hasn't been working.  I saw him for two minutes yesterday as he was coming in to work...So...But it was interesting seeing the look on Miranda's face when he came in.  Kind of an, "I know your secret, and I can tell it," which worried me a little.

I'm also wondering about losing weight.  Not having a scale kind of sucks, but I know that if I had one I'd be on it every day (which is bad,) but I want to know if what I'm doing's working.  I'm trying to eat smaller portions, and I think that working so much is doing wonders for excercising purposes.  I don't know if it counts when you've almost pulled 2 muscles three times in 12 hours, which is what happened to me today, and I'm taking it as a good sign.

naturesyingnyang at 12:07:50 AM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

P.S.  I hate that song.  'Lovers and Friends'.  It's so vulgar.

I guess since I mentioned lovers first, I should go with that...

I feel like, as I get older, I'm getting closer and closer to just knowing who 'The One' is.  Like, maybe it's just my twisted brain, but I feel like there's a difference in the way I crushed on this guy in 7th grade, Abel, and the way I'm feeling about André now.  And it's silly, because at least Abel was single.  I don't know what it is with me and the taken guys.  (I feel like the girl in 'When Harry Met Sally', that liked the married men.  The good news being that she ended up in a happy marriage herself.) 

I still worry about relatively the same things.  When I was in 7th grade, I worried about him seeing me fold my gym clothes.  (He probably never did.)  But my thought process was that if he saw me folding the clothes right, he would be interested in my mothering skills.  Now I know that was silly.  I'm less worried about that now.  (And probably should be more so, because I AM getting closer and closer to marriagable age.)

When I'm with André, I'm worried about our chemistry.  And how we would fit into a family life.  Whether we agree on the same topics, and whether or not our relationship would be able to stand the test of time.  (Still relatively absurd questions, considering that I'm almost 10 years away from getting married.)  But I feel that it's more relevant.  I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to the questions I should be asking.  Especially the aspect of chemistry--our souls connecting.

I'm sure that nothing will happen with him, but it feels good for me to know--and have that feeling that I'm getting closer to the right answer.  The more Mr. Wrongs I go through, the closer I get.

Today he told me I was "hott".  In a teasing sort of way...When I said, "What?" to make sure I heard him right, he wouldn't repeat it. ("Nevermind," with a smile.)  I didn't know how to take it.  I'm sure he was "mocking" me, but with the new development of the weight loss, I feel better about me, and so it could be possible he was telling a semblance of the truth.  (I would never tell someone they were hott if they weren't...Even mockingly.  I never have.  There is an element of truth in everything I say.)  He might have seen my confindence rise...And everyone knows that confidence is a big reason that people are attracted to other people.  So, knowing that he was mocking me put a damper on the situation--I couldn't tell if I liked him just saying it or not. -Shrug-  I'm still mad that we only work together two days in the next two weeks.  He's good looking, and fun to flirt with.

Friends...I know I was griping the other day, but I really do have the best friends in the world.  I was telling Rebecca today, I was like, "I have such an amazing circle of friends, and it's hard knowing that I will never be able to do enough to pay them all back for how awesome they've been to me."  Maybe, for some people, I already have, but I don't feel like it.  And sometimes I treat them so meanly.  Like with Chad the Rebecca, they're both introverts in comparison to myself--very timid and shy and quiet--very the opposite of myself.  They are my very best friends, they've given me rides when I needed them, bought me food when I couldn't afford it, (and sometimes, even when I could).  And I don't feel like I could ever give them enough to pay them back.  And then considering all the stuff I have done to pay them back--like get frustrated with them for telling me to calm down, or stamping my foot like a toddler to get my way...  A lot of people would say, "The best way to pay your friends back is to just be a good friend to them." but I feel like it would take me a lifetime to pay back what I owe them in food, and courtesy.

And then, not just them...My old friend, mentor, teacher, and faculty advisor, Beasley, has been so awesome.  Tonight he was patient enough to go find my sister's cell for me when she lost it, and I was at work.  (Took 30 minutes.)  And my friends that have been there for me that I don't even talk to anymore...That were there to help build me up and make me into the person I am now.  I mean, I'm sure that those people--being out of my lives now--I've done my part for them too, but it's so nice to know that I have had that circle of support my whole life--and odds are I will have a similar circle for the rest of it.

I also realized tonight that Chad...Odds are he won't even live to get married or see have children.  It's a chilling thought, and if he makes it to that period in his life, I will be ecstatic for him--he deserves it, but I don't think he will.  He's got a heart condition, and the doctors realized today that it was more complicated then they originally thought--and Chad is so stubborn.  I'm not quite sure what his deal is.  Maybe there's a deeper part of him that feels like when it's time for him to go meet his creator, he should, and in that case he doesn't want anything to interfere (a.k.a. meds) with that meeting, but I doubt it.  Chad will insist--even when you know--he will insist that nothing's wrong.  And the doctor told him--he was like, "You cannont do this.  You cannot act like nothing's wrong.  You have to take this seriously.  You could die."  And I'm sure he told them, "I know," like he does when he doesn't really mean it.  And it's sad to know that your friends is slowly committing what can technically be called suicide.  It's kind of...surreal.

Um...On the upside...the concessions supervisor is leaving.  Good for two reasons...A) I'm sick of dealing with her drama, and having to act fake around her, and B) I get a promotion.  I also get to throw a surprise party.  (I don't know if that counts as a third reason or not...)  So, I will find out on Monday, and then I will set my plan into motion.  On the downside, I am now stuck working Tuesdays and Thursdays by myself, and Fri. and Sat. nights.  (Short shifts + too much drama.)  I may or may not be working Sun. nights anymore.  I'm going to try to convince Lisa to give my position to Rebecca, but you never know.  If that's the case, she'll be closing on Sun.

I thought my hours would decrease, but I just did the math and they'll actually technically be increasing by 5.5 hours...But that depends on if I work the same schedule the current supervisor works, and whether or not I'll still get called in to pull shifts for other people. (I've been doing that a lot lately.  I'm working my 5th double in 3 weeks tomorrow.)  But I'll also have to do inventory, and restock on Thursdays, and I will never be able to work box again until I get promoted to manager, (I will,) and even then not so much.

Stopped by Relay and realized again what a pathetic excuse for a being my sister is.  She fucked up her possibility of getting an RFL award for Key Club this past year by not getting her information, and this year at Relay she just...It was aweful.  They didn't have a theme.  They didn't have posters.  There was nothing acknowledging what organization or team they were.  At one point, Maggie lost her phone, and I was telling the guy that found it to look for a booth that said EWHS.  It was no wonder he couldn't find it...When I got there at 11, there was nothing indicating who they were except a bunch of teenagers camping out.  We had made the decision last year that they were going to do everything right this year.  Michael, the president of the Key Club, is such an innovative student, he even came up with the idea of having a mini-Relay at the school to raise extra money.  Maggie didn't even bother to tell people to bring tents 'til two days ago.  Damnit!  She's a fool!

Anyway...Through good days and bad days, always remember to SMILE! : )

naturesyingnyang at 1:16:23 AM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

So...Since Mother's Day, I guess mom and I have come to terms, and she's not so mad.  I also straightened the house and went shopping with her on Tues.  So some quality time might have helped.

Anyway, it looks like mom's projects (and she has a series of them,) are finally getting off the ground.  Mr. Hodgins, our landlord, finally got some guys in here to fix the A/C and the plumbing.  Then, today, mom got the tags on her car fixed, so that she can finally drive it.  And Tuesday, she filed the papers to sue her former employer.  She's had a 6-car week, (and if you don't know anything about the car business, that's AWESOME for a small-town dealer.)  So it looks like I'm getting my tuition money for Monday.

It's also going well for my sister.  On Tuesday, we went to Coldstones, and on the way in, we saw a 'Now Hiring' poster (Of sorts.  If you have a Coldstones, you know that they more like, audition.)  And it said the auditions were that day, an hour from when we got there.  So we were teasing Maggie, we were like, "You need a job!  You should go!"  And at first she was skeptical, but when one of our former schoolmates came in talking about she needed a job too, Maggie challenged her to go with her, and so they went together.  Today Maggie got the call, and she got the job.  She's pumped, and so are we!

On my side, it's not so nice.  I have to work two doubles this weekend.  (Looks like a repeat of two weeks ago.)  Then, tonight a bunch of old friends of mine from elementary school got together to eat.  I didn't know half of the people there, because they had stayed at that school, but I went to a different middle school.  And then, I ended up sitting at the other side of the table from the host because I got there late, and so the people on my side of the table were so QUIET!  I wanted to talk, because I'm a talkative person, but I didn't know what to say.  I didn't know most of them, and the ones I did know, I hadn't seen in a long time.  It wasn't like I could ask them about their jobs, I didn't know what they did.  Back when we knew each other, we talked about snack time and recess, you can't talk about that now.

Then, to top that off, on the way to the restaurant, I realized that I had promised Rebecca I would go to her concert tonight, so I had to leave after only being at the reunion for anhour.  And the waitress was so SLOW!  I didn't get my bill 'til 30 minutes after I asked for it, so I missed all of Rebecca's part of the concert.  And then, when we were done, I asked her if she wanted to get ice cream.  Every other time we go do something, she NEVER wants to eat after.  So the ONE time I eat before, and ask her if she wants to get something light after, she wants to have dinner--with her grandmother.  Which, you know, is awesome.  Just, WHY THE HELL COULDN'T SHE HAVE DONE IT BEFORE THE CONCERT!  So, I stamped my foot like a 2-year-old and got pissy.  And she said, "Well, it doesn't take me that long to eat."  And I said, "Not that long as in, I can go sit at Coldstone's and wait for you."  And she said, "That depends on where I'm eating."  And with Rebecca, it takes an hour just to decide where to go.  So I was like, 'Fuck this,' and I told her I would see her tomorrow.  So I didn't get to share the news that my mom's car is drivable, and my sister finally has a job.  And I'm not going to see her 'til 6 tomorrow, when I'm already going to be pissed from having to deal with people and customers and Brandy all day.

Speaking of Brandy, I worked with her as co-supervisor for the first time last Saturday and HATED it.  I don't know how we're going to work together this weekend.  I just can't handle it.  Luckily, I only had to deal with her for one rush before I left, or else I would have pulled my hair out.  She was counting stuff for inventory before the rush was even over.  I thought I was going to die.  I always just wait 'til 10 minutes after the rush is over, just to make sure we got most of the customers, then I start counting so I don't have to count again.  I just counted what she told me to and stayed quiet.  It's her sheet, she "knows" what she's doing.  (She doesn't.  She's just as bad as this one asst. mngr. we have that just DOESN'T understand the new inventory system.)  And they're throwing the inventory off by A LOT.  The other day I was told not to put in any hotdogs, because we had been off by 40 the night before. WTF!?  She had only done inventory for 3 rushes!  I had done inventory for FOUR!  And I bet we weren't off before I left.  >.<  Whatever.

On the plus side, I forgot to mention last time I wrote that I went to the doctor's on the 6th, and I had lost 6 pounds!  Six pounds in 3 months!  AWESOME!  So I went shopping, and I've been trying to be really good about what I eat, and I don't know how much it's paid off, because we don't have a scale.

Anyway...I'm done ranting.  Have a good night!  And don't forget to SMILE! : D

naturesyingnyang at 9:13:50 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

So...Um...Issues.

Last night, mom gets pulled over.  Cop says she rolled a stop sign.  I'm not going to be the one to tell my mom that I think the cop was right.  Mom does some crazy things on the road.  Where does she think I get it from?

Anyway, he revokes her license because she missed a court date...Probably for one of the times she got pulled on her car for the tags being expired (which they still are, but at least she's not driving that car anymore.)

Mom's a car salesman, if I haven't mentioned it before.  This could be an issue if the people at work find out.  There's no reason they should, but...You never know.

So now, the money that my mom earned this week that she was going to use to pay my tuition that's due um...a week from now...She has to use to pay off the ticket, and whatever the hell she has to pay to get her license back.

Plus, she's no closer to selling my car.  She hasn't even tried.

So, it's looking like I'm not going to have the money to go to school this semester either.  So I might not graduate with my class after all.  This may really harm my chances to transfer to the uni. of my dreams.

I can't ask for money from my dad either, because the same mom that can't keep up with her bills, and now has to pay for the bazillionth ticket she's gotten that she SWEARS wasn't her fault told Maggie (my sis') to tell him that she would need $1000 to fix her car.  My dad will be getting that money to her the same time my tuition's due.  Here's the thing!  MY DAD WORKS AT AN AUTO PARTS STORE!  OMG!  He could get the parts at a discount rate, and pay for them on credit.  So all Maggie REALLY needs, is a couple of hundred for labour.  I could use the rest for tuition.  But NO!  Mother knows best. -Gag-

To top it off, she told me last week not to worry about paying my ins., because we have a grace period.  She was going to help me pay for it this week.  THANKS MOM!  I really NEED my credit score to go down.  Thanks a lot!  I appreciate your genius!

I hate this, because it's Mother's Day.  You shouldn't be mad at your mom on Mother's Day.  I can't say anything to her, because she's the HARDEST person to talk to.  She swears that nothing's her fault.  She can guilt trip me all she wants, too.  "Shirlyn, WHO'S the one that's paying all the bills?  Do you think it's easy?  Maybe you should live with your dad then, since I'm such a bad mother."  She knows that I admire her, and she still pulls that shit.

We didn't clean the house like she wanted.  Plus, I couldn't afford to take her out for brunch today.  So I really don't have any leverage here.  But I'm pissed.  I also THOUGHT I was taught that you should take your issues directly to the person you have issues with.  Apparently, that was life, not my mother that taught me that.

Smile!  And don't forget to thank your mom for giving you life! : )

naturesyingnyang at 11:32:35 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

So...Today was kind of awesome despite it being my 4th double in two weeks.  Mainly because 5 other people had to work doubles with me since everyone else had asked off for prom.

This morning went by smoothly.  First thing, Rebecca starts complaining about being hungry, and so Chad offers to pay for her lunch since she wouldn't let him pay for dinner last night.  (She insisted on not eating.  This girl is the fattest non-eatingest girl I have ever seen.)  And so we sent someone on a food run--Chad paying.  (And in the middle of this, I find out that Chad SLEPT at Rebecca's house last night.  And I'm like, "Chad!  How am I TALKING to you right now?  Why hasn't Meme killed you?" lol)

By dinner, Rebecca had gotten money from her dad, and had insisted on buying us all dinner.  So we took a 40 minute break to drive across town and get food.

When we get back, the 7 o'clock and 9 o'clock were not as bad as we were expecting.  Before the nine, Rebecca goes, "Shirlyn, what are the signs of an anxiety attack?"  And I'm like, "Um...You feel anxious and your heart starts racing, and you're short of breath.  But I'm not really sure."  So she was having issues.  Then, in the middle of the 9, Alex comes into concession and tells Rebecca that Chad's in the theatre crying because of his heart.  Chad has a small heart, and so it gives him issues.

So I spent the next 20 minutes trying to convince Chad to sit down and rest.  I figured if he was going to insist that he stay at work, he might as well rest up a bit before he starts doing anything.  But he won't.  So I told him that if he didn't, I was going to tell the manager.  And I had to.  And she told him to go home.  Well, he wouldn't do that either.  I told him to go home so that he would stop worrying the shit out of Rebecca, who was already having her own issues, but he didn't do anything.  I don't know who finally convinced him to go home, but finally someone did.  Well, didn't do much good, because on his way out the door, he starts staggering, and Lisa (the manager) and Outlaw (our on-duty police officer) were standing outside the office, and saw him, and got him to sit down.  Lisa called Tom, Chad's dad, and he took him to the hospital.  So it's going to be interesting.  I told Rebecca to text me if he stays overnight so we can go see him first thing tomorrow, and then to text me if he doesn't, and we'll figure something out then.

That's been the extent of my night.  Just thought I'd let you know.

Smile! : )

---------

Posted 5/16

So it turns out that Chad actually had some kind of attack, and he had to wear a heart moniter for two days.  That night, I had a dream that Rebecca told me that Chad got out of the hospital at 2 a.m.  I texted her the next morning and said, "I dreamt you told me Chad checked out at 2 a.m."  And she said, "That wasn't a dream."  And I said, "Really?"  And while I was waiting for her to text me back, I checked my text messages and phone calls--no one had called me or messaged me to tell me he had checked out.  I thought it was TOTALLY awesome and kind of creepy.  And she texted me talking about, "Well, Chad must have texted you when he texted me."  No.  Isn't that weird?  I kind of have this theory that there's this one collective brain wave that all humans can tap into--that's how I knew a year ago that Michael wouldn't go see a movie with me--I had a dream that he told me he didn't like me like that and wouldn't be able to make it.  Anyway, thought I'd share.

naturesyingnyang at 12:18:28 AM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

So...They don't have a mood for "Tired" or "Exhausted," both of which I really am.

A week ago I got a promotion--to a job that I basically knew I was bound to get because I was doing it anyway.  I think they created the position for me.  My official title is "Shift Manager".  I knew not taking that second job would pay off.  Anyway...My job is to do the concession manager's job on the weekends when she's not there.  So far, that's meant working 4 doubles in two weekends.  The day I got the position, I offered to work the night shift too, so that I would know what I was doing.  The next day, I worked the night shift because the concession manager managed to bust up her foot between the time the Team Meeting that morning ended at 10 am, and 4 pm, when she had to come into work.  Yesterday, I closed for her, because she got to go home early because she "had a headache."  Today I worked night shift because she had to take off for prom.  Tomorrow I work a double because she asked for the day off--most likely to recover from the hangover she's aquiring right now.

So my question is:  When am I finally going to get the job title and the pay raise that I'm working for anyway.  It's like back in Feb., when I worked 26 out of 29 days because I was picking up shifts for everyone else.  The current concessions supervisor is never there.  I had two people ask me today if she still worked at the theatre!  Don't you think that says something?

My mom's being really awesome and being on my side when I come home and my feet are aching from standing on them for 12 hours, and not making me have to clean the house, and getting Maggie to go get dinner instead of me.  I think Maggie deserves it.  She's been way off her ball lately.  Just a month ago, she was failing all of her classes, doing a shitty job with her Key Club duties, and still finding time to sit on her fat ass instead of keeping the house straight.  Now she's making 'C's in class, doing about the same amount of homework that she was doing before, (How did that happen!?) and doing marginally better with her Key Club work.  She's STILL skivving on the house duties, though.  We've just moved in.  It's not like she has to keep it horribly straight.  It wouldn't kill herto unpack a couple of boxes a night.

On top of all this she refuses to get a job.  A year ago, we didn't make her get a job because we knew that she would run for governor, and then she would be too busy to work.  Even two weeks before she ran, though, I told her.  I said, "There's no way you can't have a job."  We had just aquired responsibility for our own car insurance, and I don't even make enough in two weeks to cover one payment, forget that I have to pay for gas, and food (when I'm working).  I let it go for the next two weeks, though, as we focused on getting her the position.  When she didn't, I told her that weekend when she got back, "You have to get a job now."  And she said, "No."  Of course that pissed me off, and then she said, "I'm not getting a job until my AP exams are finished."  SHE WANTS FUCKIN' TIME TO STUDY!  SHE HASN'T STUDIED FOR ANYTHING FOR 6 MONTHS!  NOW THAT I NEED HER TO GET A JOB, SHE WON'T DO IT BECAUSE OF AP EXAMS!?!?!?  I was working when I took my AP exams, and I'm pretty sure that it's was because I was working that I didn't study.  Now AP exams are getting ready to start and end, though.  So what's her new excuse?  "People will be leaving for college soon.  They'll be hiring for the summer."  THERE'S PLACES THAT ARE HIRING NOW!  I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR HER TO WAIT!  Car insurance is due Monday!  Where am I supposed to get that money from?  My sister's a fool.  Right now, she's lookin' like a bum.  GR!!!

So, since school tuition is due in two weeks, the new goal is to sell my precious little Firebird for 3 grand, and then pay off the taxes and registration on my mom's car (which is around $700,) and drive my mom's car.  (I wonder how long that will last.)  Then I'm supposed to pay for income taxes from two years ago to get filed so that we can FINALLY file for FAFSA, so I can get retro-aid and get the Fall and Spring semester paid for next year.  Then I have to pay for tuition this summer (another $700.) Then I have to split the rest of the money between a washer and dryer fund and a new car fund.  Though, if the woman can pull it all off before tuition is due on the 19th, I really don't mind at all.

-------------------------

Now...For the rest of the story...

I've found myself being really philosophical lately.  Like, some people may not think so.  They may be so intellectual that they wonder why I didn't think of this when I was 13, but I think that it's really smart.  It's counteracting the mindlessness that seems to be going on in America now-a-days.

I've been thinking a lot about politics, with it being an election year and everything.  And I'm moved by Obama's campaign tactics.  His positive and healing message is something that my mom has taught me to do it my own life for many years now.  I'm disappointed in the fact that they spent 60 minutes out of a 90 minute debate the other day defending their PERSONAL lives.  I don't GIVE A SHIT!  I want to know what you're going to do as president.  Not what you're going to do as a person!  What did Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky do except move every other important issue into the background while the media focused their intentions on his affair?  I don't think that Clinton necessarily cheated the American people.  I don't think that's what a lot of people would characterize his time in the White House as.  Sure, he lied about having an affair with her to Congress or whatever, but don't all politicians lie?

And here's kind of where I'm getting at...Who's to say that Clinton and Obama aren't lying?  I don't want another four years of Bush stupidity.  I don't want another Republican in office--I don't want another four years of oil companies gouging on profits, or No Child Left Behind--but I also don't want a liar in office.  And I'm...I'm not saying that Bill Clinton portrayed to me that Democrats are liars.  I'm saying that it's my first election voting for a president, and I don't want to pick someone who two-timed me by saying that they'll do one thing and then doing another.  I don't want Obama's message of "I'm going to reform Capital Hill." to just be another campaign slogan.  I would be very disappointed.

And so I was thinking about gas prices, and I was thinking, "Why can't they just reset gas prices back to the way they were?"  Inflation's gotten out of hand--I don't care who you are.  Back in the1930's, minimum wage was $.25.  In 2009, it's going up to $7.25.  By the time we get to 2009, we're going to need minimum wage to go up to $10.  And I know it's naive, and it's not this simple...But WHY would you let minimum wage get up to $10/hr, when you can reset inflation and send us back to $.25/hr, so that we can start the vicious cycle all over again.  And I don't necessarily mean to pick on the gas companies, but they're what everyone's complaining about, and it's something that effects EVERY aspect of life.  Gas and diesel fuel the trucks that get everything we buy from point A to point B.  I would suggest food--but so many farmers have gone out of the business already that I think it would be too much, because an adjustment like this would take time.  But if we could reset gas prices back to $.25/gallon, then eventually, it seems to me, the economy could reset itself back.  But, like I said, call me naive.

And then religion.  I came to the conclusion today--and if I'm wrong I think I'll be smitten by God and sent to Hell--but, I came to the conclusion that man created God.  I mean, it's not like God put himself on the Earth first and said, "Here I am.  You need to know me, because I created you."  Man said, "There has to be something more." and created a god.  Which, is kind of freaky, and makes some of our history completely pointless to me.

And then the crusades.  We're on the path of another one right now.  Everyone--especially a couple of years ago--was screaming that the fights in the middle east were a Jihad!  Jihad!  Jihad!  Muslims wanted to kill "Christians".  Why?  We all believe in the same God.  We call him a different name.  We believe differently.  But my question is:  If there is a God, and He does want us all in Heaven, or to be saved, or whatever, and He does love us all, why would He care how we worship Him?  Just that we have faith should be enough for a just and loving God.  Which makes this whole religion thing kind of pointless.  Who's to say that the Islamic way is right, or the Catholic way is right?  No one.  So why believe--when you don't know which way to go?  It all comes back to the fact that man created God.  God did not create man.  I feel creepy all over just thinking it.  (As for my personal beliefs, if any of you are wondering...I believe that there is something out there, a presence, that I like to call Fate, that made it happen.  Because there could not have just been a Great Floating Ball that burst one day.  Someone (or something) had to make the Great Floating Ball.)

And then, in the process of thinking all this, I've been wondering...My kids.  I don't want them to NOT know what religion is, because that's a cultural experience that they need to have an understanding of to become well-rounded citizens.  But what then?  If I take them to a church, will they fall in love with religion and become devout?  Or will they be like me and take it away as a cultural experience?  As I have them in church, should I go and pretend like I'm interested (be a hypocrite), or should I stay home and stay true to my beliefs?  I think I would be more supportive to go, but I have issues being hypocritical.

And there's been more than this, but these are the big things.  And I thought I'd share.  Hopefully someone will stumble upon this, and leave a thoughtful comment.  Maybe something that doesn't agree with what I said, but that is nice enough for me to be able to respond to.

------------------

Forgot to mention that I totally went to see Ironman!  And it was totally awesome!  And I'm totally plugging it!  And I'm in LOVE with Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark!  I know it's the character and not the actor, but he is HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!  So I'm posting some piccy-poos.  (Hell yeah!  I did just make that a word!)

Um...I'm not exactly sure who to give these copyright thingys to...But some I guess, go to Marvel, and then Ironman, the movie, and then Robert Downey Jr., and Empire Mag.  In any event, they're not mine.

So!  Smile! : )

naturesyingnyang at 12:40:00 AM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own