Thoughts of a Not-So Teenage Girl

I'm just gonna tell you--straight up--it's RDJ!  <3  Sexy, can I...?  Just part of my manner...

So, I wrote this really long entry two days ago, and it didn't post.  Which sucked.

Found out André is a junior...in H.S.  So even if he were only 4 months younger than me (which breaks my "don't date younger guys" rule,) then he's still 2 years behind me in mind.  That's gross.  I feel like a child molester.  The problem being now that I don't have anyone else to latch on to.  I don't know who to go to.  I keep going for Chad, but he's so obviously taken.  (His smittenness with Rebecca makes me want to be physically sick every time I see them together.  (Which is why it was weird when we went to Sam's the other day and he says, "Why did you ask me to come with you?"  And I'm like..."Um..." genuinely confused, and I said, "Because you were the only one not working, and I didn't want grease all over my car seats."  And he was like, "Oh.  I thought you asked me for the companionship."  And I, still confused, was like, "Oh.  Well, that was a plus, too.  I think, deep down, he's really torn between me and Rebecca.)

And so this is what's getting to me...I need a boyfriend.  I've never needed a boyfriend so desperately in my whole life.  Like, I've never said that seriously before--ever.  If I said it before, I was just lonely.  This is a NEED.  I need someone to be sickeningly sweet with when I go hang out with Chad and Rebecca so that I don't notice their sickeningly sweetness.  My mom actually brought up the question the other day, "Would you go out on double dates with me?"  And I'm like, "Sure.  But I think I would need a boyfriend first."

And so I'm thinking about it tonight...I'm like, "It's not my looks.  It can't be my looks."  There are girls out there that are so much uglier than me that have boyfriends.  Of course, those girl's boyfriends are the kind I don't want, and that I try to steer clear from.  (The druggie-looking guy with the scruffy half-goatee, who's too skinny, and probably has 50 crowns on his teeth.)  But I haven't even been asked.  I got asked out genuinely, like, once--not as a back-up.  You get guys that were rejected by some girl, and they come ask you to go out with them to make themselves feel better...Yeah...That guy has asked me out a couple of times.  But only once was I truly asked to go out with someone because they liked me, and I was 13, and I had to say no because he was black.

I'm at the point now, where, had I not known that André was a junior, and knowing that he has a girlfriend, I would have played second string to her if he asked me to, just to have someone that I could call if I needed him to go on a date with me.

And there's the song "You Can't Hurry Love" (not that I'm trying to find "love") and the quote, "A watched pot never boils."  But I don't know how I can possibly NOT watch the pot when I'm THIS desperate.

Now I need a boyfriend for practicality, not romance.  How sad.

Otherwise, I tested out of SPA101 and into SPA102 after four days.  I almost didn't make it because of time, but I it worked out.  I think this will be the first class I've ever made a 'B' in while in college.

I'm working...Working...Working...But it's not as bad as before, although I've noticed I'm getting lazier.  It's so much easier to tell someone else to do it.  But I think I'm being less bitchy to customers, because I've finally just realized that I'm the boss, and if so-and-so is not behind concessions helping the rest of us restock, I can just yell at them to get back there and help us.  I also don't have to be on a register as much.

I work a morning shift next Sat!  I am SO pumped!  I miss them so much!  My friend Zan was like, "You're going to be like, 'What!?  The theatre's open during the daytime?  You mean there's light when we're open?"  We always make jokes about how I'm doomed to work closing shifts for the rest of my life by taking this promotion.

I'm severing my relationship with Rebecca.  I know these underlying emotions that would make most people go, "I'm not quite sure why I'm pushing away."  I'm like, "I know exactly why."  While any other person would say:  "I'm pushing her away because she and I have opposing personalities.  She's always telling me to 'Be quiet,' or 'Calm down.'  When I'm ALREADY calm, or when I don't want to be."  Which is true for us...I know that the real reason I'm pushing her away is because I'm jealous. 

What?  Why?  Why would I be jealous?  I've established that I don't want the clinginess...But I think if Chad and I went out it wouldn't be clingy.  But I couldn't go out with Chad because he's going out with Rebecca, and if they broke up and we went out, either Rebecca or I would probably have to quit, and...Too much drama.  Honestly, I'm just gonna tell you...I think she's stupid for not seeing that he and I would make a better couple than the two of them. 

Everyone else sees it but the two of them.  And it's kind of like Romeo and Juliet, or a HG/DM fic, but it's TRUE!  My family sees it, and his family sees it, and I see it.  And if it's Romeo and Juliet, or HG/DM I can totally see their side...But this time I can't.  I don't know why they're still together.  They spend a lot of quality time together...I don't even know if they've started kissing...  But if they haven't...There's nothing that Chad and Rebecca are doing that he and I aren't doing--with the exception of the excessive quality time and PDAs.  Honestly, I think his dad's right...He might as well be dating the two of us.  That kind of makes me mad.  And someone might say that it's my fault and I've pushed it, and I'm sure I have a little, but not enough for me to come to this conclusion.  I would be more mad if I thought Chad realized it.

Anyway, so this is why I need a boyfriend.  Wish me luck!

Smile! : )

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