Quick Slants

I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me...

Umm.... on second thought, that might not work.

As you'd imagine, I had to agree to certain guidelines to make this thing work.  For the record, I'm going to Vegas with 20 of my closest friends from college, most of which are thrilled at the notion of gambling for 72 straight hours and enjoying the other attractions Sin City has to offer.  Naturally, my peers have expressed obvious concerns that my entries will cost them A) their jobs; B) their significant others or; C) all of the above.  Given the reputation of Vegas and the visibility of this journal, I understand their gripes.  If we were headed to Sheboygan, this wouldn't be an issue.  With all that said, the goal of this blog is to capture the lunacy and intensity of Vegas during March Madness without pulling a Jose Canseco.  Get it?

For your reference, I've attached five of the basic blogging rules I plan to follow...

Rule #1:  "The Bobby Valentine Rule"

My name is Ty.  I'm 23 and I drive a Dodge...  Neon.  A silver one with a dent on the right, driver's side.  I've also been booed at Veterans' Stadium for snagging a fair ball, written to the NBA in protest of "2-Ball," and owned (and worn in public) a Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf jersey... before David Stern linked him to al-Qaeda.  And now, you all know my screen name.  God help me.

What's the point of me telling you any of that?  Because it's the only personal information you'll be hearing over the next week.  I'm perfectly comfortable withholding the names, ages, and social security numbers of my friends who will be along on the trip.  (I've already told you too much about myself.)  Wherever possible, I plan to use aliases and disguises to conceal the identities of the "innocent."  Valentine tried it once, but was foiled by television cameras.  But, as Danny Ocean once said, "there are no cameras in here," and I assure you that you won't squeeze any incriminating information out of me...  at least, not while I'm sober.

Rule #2:  "The Janet Jackson Rule"

Since the FCC won't let me be, or let me be me if this ain't PG... I figure I have a moral obligation to the AOL community to provide valuable content, without violating every parental control setting in the process.  I also realize that about 2,000 stay-at-home dads and/or adolescent boys just signed off, but there's not much I can do about it.  It's a sacrifice I have to make.  I need to feed my family.  Parents, you can breathe easier knowing that I won't be using any profane, offensive, or nipple-bearing details to embellish my work, though you might find that your children ask more questions than normal about three-team parlays and ten-point teasers.

However, before you tag my blog as "Sesame Street Goes to Vegas"...

Rule #3:  "The Britney Spears Rule"

It's not humanly possible to write a Vegas blog without including candid tales of gambling, nightlife, or random acts of matrimony.  You know that whole "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" concept?  Well, I am half-heartedly throwing that theory under the bus for the next few days, just like the media did when it caught wind that Britney tied the knot with a childhood play date.  Basically, if it takes place and is entertaining, you'll know about it.  I'm going against the Vegas motto; I don't care.  I might change the culprits' names to Ace and Gary (see Rule #1) and tiptoe around the obvious like Bonds before the grand jury (see Rule #2), but don't think I won't come to bat for you, the unlucky reader who can't be here in person.

It's going to be insane.  Sportsbooks will be fire hazards.  Free throws will achieve new intensity.  Folks will be celebrating awkwardly, like every victorious NASCAR pit crew.  You'll get the goods, I promise.  Especially if someone from our crew gets married.  That - in and of itself - would punch myticket to the Blogging Hall of Fame.

Rule #4:  "The 'Lucky' Rule"

Everyone has a friend with inexplicably bad luck.  It just so happens that mine -- who'll assume the nickname "Lucky" for the duration of the trip -- will be on the same plane to Vegas as me.  For the record, I'm nervous. 

(Over the course of the week, I have no doubts that you'll understand the depths of Lucky's unluckiness, but for now, we'll move on.)

As a public service, I plan to reveal his selections and gut instincts far enough in advance so you can change any of the picks that he's jinxed.  Consider it an act of kindness from a random stranger.  My assumption is that the casinos will catch on after a while and adjust the lines accordingly, but it should work nicely for the first 32 games or so.  If you see a spread jump by a few points before tip-off, there's a good chance that Lucky has money on the game.

Rule #5:  "The Marv Albert Rule"

I know what you're thinking.  Get your head out of the gutter.

At any time, if a celebrity or public figure is spotted in a compromising or otherwise embarrassing situation, I pledge to include it as part of my blog.  In fact, I'm planning on it happening.  I've never been to Vegas before, but I'm told it's a feeding frenzy for athletes and celebs, especially during Tournament time when they gather to root on their alma maters.

Throughout the week, I'll be referencing this rule frequently.  For added enjoyment, I've included various echelons by which The Marv Albert Rule will be exercised along with some examples... after all, I need some way to rate the good sightings from the bad:

Level 1 - Loosely defined celebrities and/or people that look like them

Jeannie Zelasko...  Steve Lavin...  Any hairdo that looks like Steve Lavin's...  Qyntel Woods...  Anyone nicknamed "The Big Nasty"...  Roger Lodge...  Richard Hatch... Landon from 'Real World:  Philly'...  Trev Alberts...  Hookers resembling Paris Hilton... Any mustache resemblingBill Cowher's...  the guy who played Rube Baker...  James Earl Jones...  Bryant Gumbel...  The Repo Man...  Greg Gumbel...  Robert Goulet...  Rod Smart...  Sam Cassell...  Any anchor on 'The Best Damn Sports Show'...

Level 2 - One-time has-beens that could pep me up after a trying gambling excursion

Dickie Thon... Sid Bream... Mark Gastineau... Bob Saggett... Lorenzo Lamas... "Carl Winslow"... Any cast member from 'The Surreal Life'...  Geraldo Rivera...  Vanilla Ice...  Carney Lansford...  Rashaan Salaam...  Todd Marinovich...  Either O'Bannon brother...  Daniel Stern...  Sir Mix-A-Lot...  Jesse Barfield...  Melissa Joan Hart...  Jonathon Taylor Thomas...  Rebecca Lobo...  Any NHL player...  Ozzie Canseco...

Level 3 - Well-known individuals in curiously ironic situations

Peyton Manning spinning a '00' in roulette... Pete Rose making futures bets... Paris Hilton soliciting herself as an actual prostitute...  Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen at the Bellagio buffet...  Stephen Segal promoting his soft rock album...  Isiah Thomas playing any strategy card game...  Mike Price at Bunny Ranch...  Mike Tice scalping Celine Dion concert tickets.

You get the idea.  Now that I've come clean, it's time for the real blogging to begin.  Tomorrow, I'll reveal my brackets before I depart for Vegas.  After that, I'll be posting my chilling "entry from 30,000 feet" as soon as I land.  All I'll say is that I hate flying.  In fact...  I'm utterly terrified.

Coming Wednesday...  the Pre-Vegas Bracket Breakdowns

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