PURPOSE

i went to church wednesday night for the first time in a long time. i mean, first time in a long time going to a wednesday night church service. we have them once a month, but i have had class and was unable to go. i have decided to start going to a home fellowship too.

anyway, i sat with rachel, of course. i love rachel. i feel like the world makes sense when rachel is around. i was thinking about the lyrics to the song that i wrote in the last entry. and i was thinking about some things my dad said in his sermon last week. and i was thinking about some things my brother and i were talking about during my dad's sermon last week. sometimes we think maybe he gets his sermons from his conversations with us. it was like he was speaking directly to us and no one else. although i am sure that he wasn't, just seemed that way. anyway, brett and i have been a bit hopeless lately...feeling as if our dreams have drifted away and feeling as if we are failures in our lives. for myself, i've forgotten my dreams. i don't even want to remember them anymore. i think, "what's the point, right?" it's like the song..i'm scared because i have failed so many times before. the thing is though, i used to believe in my dreams and that God really did put them in my heart for a reason. and i am trying to remember those reasons again.

dad said something else too...satan is trying to steal our dreams and leave us hopeless and depressed. i leaned over to brett and i said, "well, looks like he succeeded at that in our lives." and wednesday night, it hit me...i recently had a conversation with rob and my cousin melinda about just that thing. i was telling rob how he shouldn't even give satan the time of day. like, who is he that he can even touch him. i've always taken the stand that satan wasn't worth my time in even thinking that he could hurt me, because he can't. he's nothing. and then i turn around and tell my brother that he has already succeeded in stealing my dreams and leaving me hopeless. and i told myself at church wednesday night that i wasn't going to let satan have that power in my life. and for that matter, i wasn't going to let myself have that kinf of control in my life. i think this is going to be a hard road to travel for me, getting back to the way i am supposed to be. it won't be easy this time...i get that feeling. but, i don't want to be here, stuck in the boat because i am too afraid of the unknown and of failure.

|  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this