PURPOSE

Subject: You are Who You are
Time: 5:09:15 PM EDT
Author:  neednspace
Mood:  Quiet

You are who you are for a reason.

You're part of an intricate plan.

You're a precious and perfect unique design,

Called God's special woman or man.

 

You look like you look for a reason.

Our God made no mistake.

He knit you together within the womb,

You're just what he wanted to make.

 

The parents you had were the ones he chose,

And no matter how you may feel,

They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind.

And they bear the Master's seal.

 

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.

And God wept that it hurt you so;

But it was allowed to shape your heart

So that into his likeness you'd grow.

 

You are who you are for a reason,

You've been formed by the Master's rod.

You are who you are, beloved,

Because there is a God!

---- poem by Russell Kelfer

Written by neednspace Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 1 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Subject: under construction
Time: 6:26:24 PM EDT
Author:  neednspace

i am going to be reconstructing this journal. new focus, new look, new entries. all appropriate for a new season in my life. those of you who still come and haven't given up checking for new entries....just a few more days and i will be back online. see you soon

Written by neednspace Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

Subject: worth it all
Time: 12:21:22 AM EDT
Author:  neednspace
Mood:  Quiet
Music:  worth it all

three more days of school and then i will have the time again to write in this journal. it's been a weird week with things wrapping up at school, saying goodbye to all my seniors. i am so relieved that i am not going back in the fall. you have no idea!!! sometimes i think of myself as a failure and other times i just tell myself, it was a good try sheree, but definetly not the job for you. what is for me??? i don't know anymore. but, i am in God's hands. and it's gonna be worth it...

which brings me to the song that i am listening to. i want to share it with you and then some thoughts i have had this quiet day that i spent today...

i don't understand Your ways. oh but i will give You my song, give You all of my praise. You hold on to my pain. with it You are pulling me closer, pulling me in to Your ways. now around every corner, and up every mountain... i'm not looking for crowns or the water from fountains. i'm desperately seeking, Lord, i'm frantic believing that the sight of Your face is all that i'm needing; i will say to You, it's gonna be worth it, it's gonna be worth it, its gonna be worth it all...i believe it. You're gonna be worth it, You're gonna be worth it, You"re gonna be worth it all...i know.

i woke up this morning with cramps. yep, that's right. i had all these plans for the day and just couldn't get myself out of bed. too much pain. i finally got up...took a shower and then went to my parents' house to lay on their couch with a heating pad on my stomach. they were out shopping for a new dishwasher. i was alone and it was nice. i listened to this song many times today. and thinking about my life and being quiet. it felt needed. later in the day i read online that a dear friend of mine has had a setback. my focus very easily and quickly shifted from me to him. i felt concerned. i spent the rest of the day wanting desperately to do something, anything to make what i imagine is a tough time disappear. and all i could do was pray for him. and i kept coming back to this song. and to my friend, i say, it's gonna be worth it! keep your eyes on His face. that's what i have been reminded of.

i watched a movie tonight with my mom. as in any romance in the movies there is always a conflict that hinders the two people to be united in any smooth fashion. that's what makes my life, just like a movie. ;) but, the guy said to the girl, "i would follow you around all the time because i want to." it reminded me of something someone told me once. and once again felt pain in my heart. but, again, as the song says, He is holding on to my pain and with it pulling me closer to Him and in the end all of it will be worth it. I believe it!

Written by neednspace Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

Subject: friday night
Time: 7:51:18 PM EDT
Author:  neednspace
Mood:  Chillin'

as the school year comes to a close, my life gets busier and busier. 13 more days until summer break. big news....i'm not going back to teaching in the fall. because i signed a year long contract, they are paying me through the summer, so i have some time to figure out exactly what i am going to do. it's been a weird year and especially the last couple months. i have really done some thinking and praying about what to do. and God made the decision for me that i was having a hard time making. at any rate, i am going to take some time and see where God really wants me. what's weird is that i feel like a different person that i used to be with really clear direction and dreams and goals. those things don't really exist in my life anymore. i want to have a change of scenery and pace and take some time to find out what new road God is taking me on or regain vision for those things He wants to put back in my heart and life.

so, we'll see what the future holds. as of right now, i am going to guatemala in june on a missions trip. i will have to raise support, so those of you reading this and want to contribute...please feel free. ;)

busy weekend...with mother's day and all and i have taken on too much this week to prepare...i've decided to become crafty and make scrapbooks and it has become very time consuming. so if you are wondering where i am at...i'll be scrapbooking all weekend until they are done!

Written by neednspace Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 1 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Subject: finally the weekend
Time: 11:50:13 PM EDT
Author:  neednspace
Mood:  Quiet

it has been a whirlwind of a week at work. as the school year is winding down...things are getting hectic and restless. three more weeks, i believe. yipee!!!

my cousin was supposed to be coming down this weekend. i was really excited about some good quality time with her. but, her ride cancelled and now, i have to figure out what to do with my weekend now. i went to dinner and a movie with my friends, kelli and lisa. it was fun and relaxing. i am really tired though and wondering why i am still up. teaching school wears you out. friday nights i am exhausted.

been thinking about my summer plans...here's a tentative plan...couple weeks relaxing, one week of classes for certification, 10 days in guatemala, one month of temp work to make some money and then back to school in the fall. but, you never know how things may change. my parents are going out to dallas in july for a church on the rock pastors conference. i want to go with them because i have never been to texas and i really like all the pastors and their wives that i have met from church on the rock, especially joe and rachle from buffalo. they are awesome. i probably wouldn't go to the conference, but maybe get to check out dallas while they are meetin and greetin! the church there is way huge...maybe meet some new people. that i have been craving for....meeting new people.

some friends of mine and relatives are trying to talk me in to becoming a flight attendant. hmm....sounds like fun.

siesta is getting a bath tomorrow. gotta love a clean dog. i just looked over at her...she is zonked. i better go to bed too and get some sleep. sure don't want to start next week off tired still.

Written by neednspace Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

Subject: challenge
Time: 10:37:17 PM EDT
Author:  neednspace
Mood:  Quiet

well, only four more weeks left of school this year. and it sure is exhausting. i felt comforted when my friend keeli called yesterday and left me a message that said it would be like that as the year winds down and to not fret because everyday would probably be a battle with my students because they are getting antsy for summer. i feel like pulling my hair out sometimes and i just try and make it through each day and can hardly believe i survived when the day is over and i am on my way home...which was a little bit late today because i had no planning periods today due to meetings and substituting for another teacher. which meant i needed to stay late and do those things that i would have done earlier.

so, rachel had given me a challenge. i tried to make her pinky swear that if i accepted her challenge that God would indeed give me the answers i was seeking. she wouldn't pinky swear on what God would or would not do. and i don't blame her ;) but, i am confidant that i will get an answer. will it be the exact one i am looking for...probably not. that is kind of how things work in my life. but, any answer at this point is much desired. i feel like i need some really clear direction and a clean slate in my heart about who i am and who God wants me to be and what He wants me to accomplish for Him and what my giftings and callings are and well, just about everything...i just want and need a clean slate...a brand new start. not forgetting all the valuable things God has taught me through all my experiences, but a fresh adventure to go on with those things tucked away for reference.

did i mention i think i am going to go to guatemala in june for some missions work? well, i am i think. i have to raise the money though cause i don't have much extra to be spending on the ticket and such. but, if God wants me to go...the money will be provided for me somehow.

tomorrow night is our annual comedy dinner theater at church. our entire family, immediate and extended will be there. well, at least all the family in this area anyway. we always have a good time. it is a 1960s theme...good music, good laughs, good food and not too proper...which makes it so much fun!

i gots to call josh tomorrow and see if he will go to county line with me saturday night for some line dancing and mud bogging. i could use some good ol' country fun this weekend...cut loose and have some good clean fun. maybe i will text message josh now. good idea. ok, i'm rambling...

oh, i'm reading this book...the money book for the young, fabulous and broke. good title, eh? i'm young and broke...so, maybe if i follow the helpful tips in it, i can unbroke and fabulous! it's time i really started thinking about the future as if it is just going to be me. i have alwasy assumed that i wouldn't be worrying about the economics of my life by myself when i grew up and it's just not working out the way i thought. so, i need to change my mind set and think as if i'm it and i need to take care of this stuff myself. i've got a lot to learn still. i think some things i have buried my head in the sand and ignored because i didn't want to learn about them and now i am realizing that i can't do that forever waiting for a dream that is highly likely to never occur in my life. so, here's to learning some new things and living a new life!

Written by neednspace Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

Subject: san angelo
Time: 9:38:17 PM EDT
Author:  neednspace
Mood:  Quiet
Music:  san angelo

i miss you

Written by neednspace Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

Subject: i went to church
Time: 9:36:22 PM EDT
Author:  neednspace
Mood:  Quiet

i went to church wednesday night for the first time in a long time. i mean, first time in a long time going to a wednesday night church service. we have them once a month, but i have had class and was unable to go. i have decided to start going to a home fellowship too.

anyway, i sat with rachel, of course. i love rachel. i feel like the world makes sense when rachel is around. i was thinking about the lyrics to the song that i wrote in the last entry. and i was thinking about some things my dad said in his sermon last week. and i was thinking about some things my brother and i were talking about during my dad's sermon last week. sometimes we think maybe he gets his sermons from his conversations with us. it was like he was speaking directly to us and no one else. although i am sure that he wasn't, just seemed that way. anyway, brett and i have been a bit hopeless lately...feeling as if our dreams have drifted away and feeling as if we are failures in our lives. for myself, i've forgotten my dreams. i don't even want to remember them anymore. i think, "what's the point, right?" it's like the song..i'm scared because i have failed so many times before. the thing is though, i used to believe in my dreams and that God really did put them in my heart for a reason. and i am trying to remember those reasons again.

dad said something else too...satan is trying to steal our dreams and leave us hopeless and depressed. i leaned over to brett and i said, "well, looks like he succeeded at that in our lives." and wednesday night, it hit me...i recently had a conversation with rob and my cousin melinda about just that thing. i was telling rob how he shouldn't even give satan the time of day. like, who is he that he can even touch him. i've always taken the stand that satan wasn't worth my time in even thinking that he could hurt me, because he can't. he's nothing. and then i turn around and tell my brother that he has already succeeded in stealing my dreams and leaving me hopeless. and i told myself at church wednesday night that i wasn't going to let satan have that power in my life. and for that matter, i wasn't going to let myself have that kinf of control in my life. i think this is going to be a hard road to travel for me, getting back to the way i am supposed to be. it won't be easy this time...i get that feeling. but, i don't want to be here, stuck in the boat because i am too afraid of the unknown and of failure.

Written by neednspace Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

Subject: where i am at
Time: 8:59:43 PM EDT
Author:  neednspace
Mood:  Chillin'
Music:  casting crowns

this song by casting crowns is exactly where i am at these days. i have heard the song a hundred times, but never really "heard" it until the other night while driving home from my brother's house. what really irks me though is that i didn't use to be like this. i wasn't afraid of the unknown and i had faith in the unknown...now, i just don't. what happened to me, the me i used to be?

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When  I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Written by neednspace Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

Subject: been a while
Time: 6:24:29 PM EDT
Author:  neednspace
Mood:  Quiet

it's been a while since i last wrote. i was in orlando for a bit for the high school mock trial state competition with my team of students. they did wonderfully. unfortunately, there were some really good teams there and our team did not place in the top five. it is disappointing to them because last year they placed fourth in the state and had a really good shot at winning. but as it was, they did not. so, my mick trial coaching days are over for this year. i now have my teusday and wednesday nights back. NICE!

while there, i had a trip and a fall on the sidewalk. i guess you had to be there. a bit humiliating, but, hey, what can you do right. but, these types of things would be why i don't where heels all that much. anyway, i've gotten my back all out of whack now and it is hurtin me pretty bad.

listened to a tv evangelist last night. i do that quite often actually. not sure why they fascinate me sometimes. anyway, i was encouraged. like i am not the only person going through a drought kinda time.

well, gots to get some work done for school tomorrow. need to finish up a powerpoint for my first two classes. i can't believe spring break has come and gone already and that there are only 7 more weeks of school in the school year. almost made it through my first year of teaching. guess we'll see if they decide to keep me around for another year. ;)

Written by neednspace Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own