ME, ME, ME...

That dirty sob of an ex is having another baby!! I'm so furious! I could care less that he's spreading it all over the land, but this worthless mf won't take care of the one that he has!! Now there will be another child that has a deadbeat dad. Can't we make a pill that men have to take if they aren't taking care of the children they already have that will prevent them from making more??? ARRRGGGHHH!! I'm so frustrated!

I've long since given up the hope that he will ever come back to the world of decency & morality, but there's no reason to screw up another life! My daughter has it hard enough. I've learned to become the queen of excuses for him. She thinks that her dad is the hardest working man on the planet since every time she asks me why she can't see him I have to tell her he's working. I want him out of our lives forever. I don't believe there is any hope left for him.

Oh, did I mention that he is going on vacation in the next couple of weeks?? I'm really not all-consumed with hating him for what he's done to her the way I used to be. I just want him to go away...

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As you may have guess, this is yet another one dedicated to the dear, sweet ex...Well, as you probably already know, the drama never ends with this a**hole.  At this point, he has 3 warrants for his arrest & his driver's license is suspended. YET--he just can't figure out why I won't let Lexie come to his house (100 miles away)-puzzling, isn't it??  Yesterday I actually got the "eff off & die, you dirty effing c-word"-wow, and to think I was starting to think he doesn't love me anymore!

No, but wait...then, he wants to hold my head under water until I stop making bubbles (kinda liked that one). And last, but not least, I got the, "why don't you take Lexie to your mom's for a week so I can cut your brake lines." Ahh, do you feel the love?? The funny thing is that when I talked to him today he tried to convince me that I had just misunderstood him & he didn't really say all of that. That was until I asked him if he wanted me to play it back for him. All I got then was a quiet & rather pathetic "no." 

While my life was getting a little on the boring side lately, I've had enough of this crap. The scary thing is that he is so out there on meth that I don't really know what he is capable of at this point. I'm not living in fear of him for my safety anymore though. If he's gonna come after me, there's not really a whole lot that I can do to prevent that. I fear for Lexie's safety. Unless he decides to leave us alone & move to Mars (pray for that!), I can only put him off for so long. Most of the crap is just my word against his & it only takes a couple of days for meth to get out of your system.

Join us next time, for the dysfunctional days of my life...

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Well, spring activities are definitely in full swing. This weekend has been pretty busy. Friday night was Lexie's preschool graduation/dance recital. I cried, as expected. I can hardly believe that my precious little girl is going to be going to school in just a couple of months. Where has the time gone?? Even though the past couple of years have been a roller coaster, I wish I could rewind it & play it over & over again. My little girl is growing up & there's nothing I can do to stop it. <sigh>

Saturday was tball practice. Did I mention that I do now realize how fist fights happen at little league games??  It's sometimes hard to stop yourself from slapping a parent for the way their child acts!

Today we had a birthday party. That took up our entire afternoon. I wasn't feeling well when we left the party. I pretty much stayed in bed for the rest of the evening. Still not feeling the greatest. It's my own fault. The sandwiches at the party had turkey on them. I picked it off & figured I would just end up with hives, a sacrifice I was willing to endure since I was starving. Apparently my allergy is getting worse with age, as I have spent the rest of the evening feeling like I'm going to throw up. Yes, it was a brown crayon moment for me.

The ex has been harrassing me this weekend. Haven't heard a word from him since the end of March & suddenly he's demanding to see Lexie. WHATEVER! If he wasn't such a deadbeat, he would know this wasn't even his weekend. He tried the "are you refusing to let me see her?" trick. When that didn't work, he said he'd just have her for Mother's Day & I wouldn't get to see her. Somehow he seems to think that he has some sort of control. We have court this Thursday, so I'm sure that factors in somehow. And his new wife/girlfriend (whatever she is) is probably wondering why he hasn't seen his kid. I'm not interested in playing his games. If he wants to see her, he can take me to court to do it. I already informed her school that he's not allowed to pick her up & to call the cops if they have trouble with him. I can play his game, he's taught me well.

Anyway, it was a good weekend. This month is crazy with everything that's going on. I'm looking forward to it & dreading it at the same time. I'm going to bed now, feeling queasy again.

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So, it's been a hectic couple of weeks. Lexie just got back from CA yesterday. I'm SOOOOO glad she's finally home. I think she had a really good time. I swear she's grown 6 inches & her hair is longer!!

For those of you who don't know, I chopped off all of my hair & dyed it again. I was getting bored, you know what happens when I get bored! Anyway, I'm liking it-for now.

Hmm, what else? Went back to court with the ex. Well, I went to court & he didn't show-AGAIN! So, I get to make the trip again in a couple of weeks. If he doesn't show, he gets a body attachment. And the game continues...

Got a 4-wheeler for Lexie, but there's something wrong with it. She got to ride it a little bit today. We got it from Nick's aunt & uncle, but it hasn't been ridden for awhile. Hopefully we will get it fixed soon. My mechanical knowledge consists basically of knowing where to put the gas in the car.

Don't have alot of time right now, will return with days of my life in a moment...

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So maybe I've been away from the computer for awhile. So maybe I can't type a complete sentence with out backspacing 3 or 4 times. And????

So much has changed since I had my internet addiction. I sign online, my email is empty. I have to subscribe to websites to spam me so that I can feel loved. It's a lonely feeling for Mr. AOL to be silent as the software loads onto the screen. I used to have tons of email addy's. I used to know tons of sites to visit. I used to spend hours online. Now I sit in front of my computer, staring at the welcome screen. Maybe something will flash on there that sounds interesting...

And as for IMing, hah! I used to be able to have 12 conversations & keep them all straight with relatively little error. Now I can even get 1 single person to IM me!! "I have Yahoo." "I have MSN." Blah, blah, blah.

So, I am now back to being the lone wolf, doggy-paddling through the internet...<sigh>

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Last night was Lexie's first tee ball practice. Nick took her over to Jeremiah & Sondra's (our friends) to practice on Monday & Tuesday night while I was at work. They have 2 boys around Lexie's age that she loves to play with. We tease Lexie that Brendan (the older one) is her "boyfriend." (Boy's are still very yucky at this point, but only if  the "boyfriend" word is used.) We didn't want her to be the only one that didn't know what was going on. They get 5 pitches & if they haven't hit by then, they get the tee.

Lexie did really good. She hit the 3rd pitch. Yay!!! I was happy that she didn't have to hit off the tee. You don't want your kid to be the only one that has to hit off the tee!! Although she wouldn't be on this team! There are 2 other little girls on her team. Her coach seems nice, although one of her son's is on Lexie's team & he was literally "climbing the fences" at practice. She announced as practice began that he hadn't had his medication. Geez! Lexie is pretty good at grounding the ball, but hasn't quite grasped the whole moving her glove to catch a pop fly. And we had to tell her after practice that she can't put the glove in front of her face when she's in the outfield to keep the sun out of her eyes. Also, there's no filling the glove with dirt.:) We'll get there.

Nick played catcher/batting coach. It was pretty cute. Lexie ran up to him from the outfield in the middle of batting order to give him a hug. Guess she had to "claim" him. It was cute. We had to explain that she can leave her position for hugs! :)

Practice may kill me though. Seems that we have practice on Wed. & Sat. until games start & then practice on Sat. & games on Thurs. I thought our practices had been switched to Wed., but I was wrong. We will probably be up there on Wednesday anyway since Brendan (Jeremiah & Sondra's son) is playing on Wednesday. Basically, my life will probably revolve around tee ball for the next couple of months! Does this mean I'm getting old?? But I'll only be 22 next month!:)

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I don't like the word "hate". As a matter of fact, I actually really don't even know that I've ever before known the true definition of "hate", until recently.

I hate my ex-husband. I hate him for the things he has done to me and my daughter. I hate him for the person he has chosen to become. I hate him because he had so much potential & he chose to be a drug addict. I hate him because he has been the ultimate disappointment as a father. I hate him for what he puts my daughter through. I hate him for what she will go through when she is old enough to really realize what he is. I hate him because I can still vaguely remember what he was like before the light in his eyes was gone. I hate him because he genuinely doesn't care about his own child. I hate him because he absolutely CANNOT tell the truth. I hate him because I believed for so long that he was a good person underneath it all. I hate him because he fooled me. I hate him because he has done nearly anything & everything possible to make my life harder. I hate him because he has not done right by my daughter since the day of our separation. I hate him because I have to tell people what a deadbeat he is. I hate him because that embarrasses me. I hate him because he turned out to merely be a "sperm donor." I hate him because my daughter cries sometimes because she doesn't understand why she can't see him. I hate him because I don't really have an answer. I hate him because I shouldn't have to have one. I hate him because she knows she can't believe anything he says. I hate him because he has let her down, time after time, without so much as an inkling of conscience.

This is what hate feels like. I hate him for making me hate him.

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