Nina's Journal: The Veils Come Down...

Illume
- written by Stevie Nicks
- produced by Lindsey Buckingham
- appears on Say You Will (2003)

Lyrics

Illume says the candle that I burn
A reflection in the window
All the way to Point Dune
Illume-like it dances
I am a cliff dweller
From the old school

I like the coastal cities
I like the lights...
I like the way the ocean blends
Into the city at night
Like living on a working river
This coastline is glittering
Like a diamond snake
In a black sky

I'm alone now
With my thoughts
Of how we could make it
Of how we could get out
What we've been through
All of the trauma
The smell of Nag Champra
Shadow of a stranger

I will not take you for granted
I wouldn't trade you for jade
Or for diamonds
Not for one minute
Not for anything
I need you to be there
Just remember when I am haunted
That I was just so scared

I'm alone now
With my thoughts
Of how we could make it
Of how we could get out
What we've been through
All of the trauma
The smell of Nag Champra
Shadows of a stranger

What I saw on this journey
I saw history go down
I cannot pretend
That the heartache falls away
It's just like a river
Ooh, it's never ending
I cannot pretend
That the heartache falls away

Because it's just like a river
It's never ending
It's just like a river
It's never ending

I'm alone now
With my thoughts
Of how we could make it
How we could get out
What we've been through
And all of the trauma
The smell of Nag Champra
Shadow of a stranger

(What I saw on this journey... I saw history go down)
(I cannot pretend...that the heartache falls away)
(It's just like a river...ooh, it's never ending)
(I cannot pretend that the heartache falls away)

I'm alone now
With my thoughts
How we could make it
Of how we could get out
What we've been through
All of the trauma
The smell of Nag Champra
Shadows of the strangers

What I saw on this journey, what legends are made of
I cannot pretend that the heartache falls away
Just like a river, ooh, it's never ending
No, I cannot pretend that the heartache falls away
Because it's just like a river, it's never ending
Falls away...like a river, it's never ending...
La la la la... la la la la...
La la la la... la la la la...

nicksrhian1 at 8:43:53 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 1 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

 Here are two pictures of Stevie from last night's Tweeter Center show... She was absolutely INCREDIBLE, as always! There was "magic all around [her]...if I do say so myself"!  

nicksrhian1 at 10:11:44 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

Tonight, I get to see "The Queen of All Things" in concert at the Tweeter Center in MA! "I Can't Wait"! ...Details and reviews will appear in the next few days...

nicksrhian1 at 8:49:51 AM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

This is another excerpt from Fair Haven... (No wonder I'm feeling sad today...) **Please, be forewarned that this scene is quite graphic and unsuitable for any younger readers.**

"One, motherfucker! Two, motherfucker! You gonna make me get to three?"

     I was sitting in a corner of the den with my hands covering my ears, trying to block out my mother's words and my brother's screams. I didn't know what it was that he did wrong (did it really matter?); only that he had made her angry, yet again.

     "In this house, I am GOD! Do you hear me, you little prick?" She held the belt in her hands and was standing over Joey as he cowered beneath her. He was all ready sitting on the floor, trying to protect himself from her blows. Even that wasn't enough to satisfy her. With a sadistic sneer, she repeated her rant that she was "GOD." (For us, I guess that was true, although she certainly wasn't a merciful or gentle one).

     "Please, Mommy! I'm sorry!" Joey sniffled in between sobs.

     "Then show me you're sorry! Get on your knees and BEG my forgiveness!"

     She wanted to humiliate him. It wasn't enough simply to hurt him physically. She had to scar his mind, as well.

     "I said, GET DOWN ON YOU KNEES!" she bellowed at him. Still, he cried, but didn’t move. "One, motherfucker! TWO, MOTHERFUCKER! THR…"

     Joey didn't let her get to three. He hurriedly scrambled to a kneeling position, and quickly spit out, "I'm sorry, Mommy. I beg your forgiveness."

     No good. He spoke too quickly for her liking.

     "You're not sorry. You just said what I told you to say!" she screamed at him.

     Her crazy logic made sense to her and her alone. She told him exactly what he needed to say in order to appease her and then became angry with him when he did it. In her mind, Joey should have been able to come up with "the magic words" to apologize to her all on his own, without her having to tell him what to do. (Keep in mind; he was all of eight-years-old, at the time). It made no sense, yet it was exactly what she expected.  

     After taking several deep breaths, Joey managed to plead, in a much calmer voice, "Please, Mommy. I beg you to forgive me."

     All this time, he was still kneeling and holding his hands clasped in front of his chest, as if he were going to receive Communion. I remained silent and unmoving, still backed into the corner and watching all of this unfold. I remember feeling that I wanted to grab Joey and run from the room from. To where? I didn't know. I just felt so helpless and sad for him.

     Then, as quickly as her anger arrived, it started to dissipate.

     Shaking her head in disgust, she just glared at Joey. "Get up and go to your room," she said to him. "You make me fuckin' sick."

     With that, Joey got up and wentto his room. After Mommy dropped the belt on the carpet and went outside to smoke a cigarette on the front porch, I quietly got up and followed Joey into his room. I knew he'd be sitting on his bed, trying to stifle his tears for fear she might hear.

     Sometimes, when she got like that with him, I felt more scared for Joey than I did for myself. I knew enough to stay as quiet as possible and to try to blend into the woodwork, so as not to make her (or my father) angry. People who know me now find this hard to believe (what with my gregarious ways and obsession with my appearance), but I really was as quiet as a church mouse as a child). I didn't want them to take any notice of me because bad things usually happened when they did. Joey, on the other hand, just didn't seem to know better.

     He sat on his bed and held an old Raggedy Andy doll in front of his face to try and stifle his sobs. His face was so red and he was crying and breathing so hard that, for a minute, I thought he was starting to hyperventilate.

     Quietly, I sat down on the bed beside him and just held him against me until he finally stopped crying, letting his warm tears soak my shoulder. It was all I could do for him.

 

                                           *    *    *

 

nicksrhian1 at 12:12:07 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

So many memories of the past are coming back to haunt me now... Each new page I write in my "semi-autobiography" seems to cause me to go into a deep funk lately... I need to remember that the things I'm writing about (disclosing, really) are not a part of my present life... They happened, and nothing can change that... But, they're in the past...and, they certainly don't have to be a part of my future. Fair Haven has become my own personal confessional, even though I have nothing more to "confess" than what was done to me... Any mistakes I've made with my family, etc., I've dealt with... I want to begin thinking of my writing as taking all of the hurt and pain that I experienced and putting it "out there..." If I release it to the four winds, it no longer controls me... I will be free...

nicksrhian1 at 12:03:32 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

Wow! I'm pretty shocked by the weather we've had today... Pretty intense weather over most of the state (including golf ball-sized hail in Naugatuck), but all we had was one INTENSE strike of lightning that knocked out our Cable and electricity for two minutes. I could FEEL the sizzle of the lightning as it struck! We're supposed to get another strong cell of thunderstorms through by 7:00PM or earlier... I don't know. I guess I'm weird, but I LOVE thunderstorms... Something about the intensity of the wind and the rain, coupled with the lightning strikes and the booming rock-drummer thunder, is right up my alley... It's true that "Thunder only happens when it's raining" and "I have always been a storm..."

nicksrhian1 at 5:06:39 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

Well, it looks as though I don't have to be TOO scared about having my deviated septum taken care of... I've spoken to several people (including some friends of mine that I didn't even realize had had it done), and they all say it's very routine and nothing to freak out over! Pheeewww!!!!

     Right now, all I want to do is get the sinus infection that I have to CLEAR UP ALREADY! After a week of doing nasal saline rinses (YUCK!) and taking Bactrim (looks like a horse pill and is the equivalent of taking TWO powerful antibiotics), my nose is still stuffed up and I can't hear anything out of my left ear! WAAAHHH!!!! OK ~ I'm done whining for today... Carry on.

nicksrhian1 at 12:51:48 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 2 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I am so freaked out! I just found out from my allergist yesterday that I have to have a septoplasty sometime in July because I have a "severe septal deviation." Apparently, I have a ton of scar tissue in my nose, also, which isn't helping matters, and needs to be removed. Does anyone out there know anything about the septoplasty procedure? I'm a little worried, even thought Dr. Rouse assures me that it's "not a big deal," and won't affect the shape of my nose at all... I actually really like my nose and don't want to come out of surgery with a big ol' honker! Any insight or words of advice from anyone out there? Thanks!

nicksrhian1 at 11:21:49 AM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

"Day of Masques"

The colours are falling all around...

In shades of gold and scarlet fire...

As I walk beneath this Scorpio sun

While the wind whistles through me, lifting me higher...

...And, as I sit and watch the moon rise...

I see the mist settle over the lake...

Like a visiting ghost in a crinoline veil...

Who is haunting the earth for this hallowed night's sake.

Floating specters in a nebulous shroud...

Gliding ghosts that seduce the night sky...

Tempting the heavens to unite with the mist...

As the wind breezes by, like a subtle sigh...

...As one with the spirits when the sun goes down.

...Chasing all the shadows into the ground...

As Sister Moon sends her light to earth...

Her silvery gift shines all around...

And, I am awestruck by a wondrous sight...

A specter, it appears, in the moonlight basks...

...But, maybe this is onlya dream...

For nothing's as it seems...on The Day of Masques...

nicksrhian1 at 1:42:21 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

"Madness"

Lost in gloom...

...She wanders through...

The tomb...that is her life.

Saddened...Why?

The tears she cries... She quickly hides her strife.

Feeling like a faded flower...

Withered...in her finest hour.

See the petals fall...

Queen of Beauty...for a moment...

Soon, she'll fall into self-torment...

Hear the raindrops fall...

Fleeting glimpses...such is gladness...

All her roads are paved with sadness...

Hence...the ever-present madness...(waiting for us all...)

nicksrhian1 at 1:31:23 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own