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~ Can't Pretend ~
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Thursday, October 25, 2007
2:22:00 PM EDT
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2:22:00 PM EDT
~ Can't Pretend ~
Warning... this is an emotional rant........ or something..
I'm tired. I just couldn't pretend today. Acting as tho nothing is wrong when my heart is torn to shreds just wasn't happening today so I left work early. I got to work this morning and a fairly new guy rode the elevator with me. He mentioned that I looked sad and quiet. Knowing how I love my boys he asked if it was their recent play that got me down. I looked him square in the eye and said, 'that is so unimportant.' The elevator doors opened in the nick of time. I felt my eyes fill with tears. Off I scooted leaving him standing there with his mouth open. I didn't mean to be short, or rude but I couldn't pretend.
The boys are playing like crap. I haven't seen the games, but they dropped 3 in a row. It doesn't seem to matter. As bad as this sounds I'm kind of angry with them. Not sure if you have ever joked about 'just before I die'.... but I have.. we have. 'Just hope they win the big one before I die.' Always with a chuckle. They've come so close in the past couple years but didn't do it. I'm angry about that... they didn't play hard enough... something. But now..... it doesn't matter. It's so unimportant in the big picture. Not that them winning would have changed things... and it's not their fault this is happening. I think I need someone to blame and right now it's them. How pathetic is that?
You live life wishing for a bad day to end... for the weekend to get here sooner. Never realizing you are wishing your life away. Time spent with family and loved ones.. gone in a flash never to get it back. If I could get back all the days, hours, and minutes I've wished away. The guilt I feel for passing them by without a second glance. There is always tomorrow...... next week....... next year......
don't believe it, it's a LIE!
No one deserves to get sick. No one! My sister lives by the rules... she does all the right things. Shared her life, her heart, and her soul. She didn't pretend, not ever. She gives of herself no strings attached. It's so unfair! She does not deserve to be poked, prodded, or in pain. It sucks! I'm helpless and ache so bad I can't pretend today. I started to cry and the tears have not stopped. They roll down my cheeks and splash wherever they may. I can't stop them, and not even sure I want to. I wish so bad I could turn back time. To make things right. To understand why............. nothing seems to help. I want her to know that I love her... that if I could make it stop I would. That she is the greatest sister. That she is so appreciated ... I could make a list 10,000 miles long of all the things she's done for me. Some without her even knowing. I don't ever want to forget.. I want her to know. Really know. Not just words being said........ how do I make sure of that?
I want to go to the hospital to see her, and I will later. I need to get things in check. Be strong and comforting... not need to be comforted. I am going to try and lay down.. get some sleep.. wake up without tears.
Don't wish your precious time away.............
Written by nightmaremom Blog about this entry |
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This entry has 70 comments: (Add your own)
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It took me a moment to realise, what your work colleague meant by the boys playing up............ You are so right, it's not important at all. You have other things to worry about.
Gaz xxxxxxxx -
My heart aches for you, Donna. Your sister knows that you love her dearly, it just seems to be an invisible bond between sisters. Rant all you want. And I must say that your tags have sure been absolutely wonderful. thanks for sharing. Hey, heard your boys even won tonight. Yeah!
Always, Rose~* -
I lit another candle for your sister. It isn't fair. It's never fair. It never goes away. Just cry, let it out. Your struggles with it will stop one day... there will be peace for both of you. I wish I could make it sound better, but I've been there, ten years ago. It took me a couple of years to accept what had happened to my sister. Grief begins before they leave us. I pray that you find solace in some part of your life, and tell your sister... you don't have to use words. She already knows. You don't have to be strong for her. Support her as you have been doing. I'm sure that means a great deal to her. Sisters are forever together. She is so loved. In the big picture of life, it is all that matters, Donna. bea
http://journals.aol.com/bgilmore725/Wanderer/ -
I lit another candle. Sometimes you just got to take a minute and let it out. It's hard to be strong all the time, even if you think you have to. Give yourself a break. You are doing an extraordinary job for someone you love. My prayers are with both you and your sister.
Jude
http://journals.aol.com/jmorancoyle/MyWay
11/4/07 6:29 PM
Gillie
http://journals.aol.com/ekgil