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MY CRAPPY DAY *
Last week I had a colonoscopy. Actually, a colonoscopy and an endoscopy. The former because my doctor recommends it as a matter of course, after the age of fifty. The latter because I've been having some minor problems with indigestion and the like. He ordered these tests as part of a physical that I had last summer. As you can see, I wasn't in too big a hurry to get around to doing it. Actually, it's more likely that I'll drop dead of a heart attack, given my family history. However, in the past six months I've seen two cases of friends being diagnosed with colon cancer, both when the disease had gotten to an advanced stage. I figured that I'd been given a warning as to what could happen, and decided that I'd be wise to do what the good doctor recommended. So I did.
I'm sure that there are plenty of you out there who have gone through this procedure. For those of you who haven't, I can tell you that the procedure itself is nothing. Seriously, it's a piece of cake. It's probably more stressful to have a tooth filled than to have this done. This is easier. Well, the procedure itself is. The preparation .... that is a whole other story. However, it isn't anywhere near as bad as having colon cancer. I am hoping to keep that in mind in five years, when I have to go through this again.
I'll bet you think you know what I am referring to, when I say that the prep for this whole thing is awful. But you'd be wrong. Yes, drinking those two vile tasting bottles of stuff designed to bring you to a state of true cleanliness isn't pleasant. But the bottles are small, and you do get a few hours reprieve between drinking each of them, so if you can chug the bottle down in one gulp and follow with a can of Coke, or something similarly sweet, you will do fine. After that, it's just a matter of keeping the stuff down until it gets to where it needs to go. Once that happens, you are home free. Kind of. I mean, you are home anyway, if you are smart. Because you don't want to be anywhere that isn't within 20 feet of a bathroom, or you will live to regret it. Butt still, that's not the worst part. ( Unless you aren't home. In which case you will be adding a whole new humiliating dimension to the experience. )
Surprisingly, the thing that I had the toughest time dealing with was the hunger. You can't eat any solid food the entire day before, and up until the time of the procedure. Now, I'm not a breakfast eater, so going all morning and into the afternoon without food has never been a big deal. But by about three p.m., I was starting to feel that sick, anxious, lightheaded feeling that comes with not eating for more than twenty hours. The problem is that at this point, you still have hours and hours to go. Until probably close to noon the next day, if you are lucky enough to schedule yourself to be one of the first patients the next morning. So, I started downing anything and everything liquid that I could think of that had sugar in it.
I'm not one for regular Coke, but I was putting them away like someone whose car had broken down between here and Las Vegas in the middle of summer. Then I moved on to Jello. More water and sugar. Then fruit juice, so I would feel as though I put at least one nutritious thing in my body. By the time the evening rolled around, I felt like a kid who ate too much Halloween candy. Or the way I used to feel when I drank a couple of pots of coffee. I was ready to bounce off the walls .... if I would have had the energy to do so. Unfortunately, with no food in your system for more than twenty four hours, it's tough to have much energy to do anything. I started wondering why this seemed different than when you go without food while you have the flu, or some other illness. Not the same. In that case, you are lying down doing nothing most of the time, and just the thought of food makes you feel sick. The motivation to starve is there. Not so when you trying to go about your normal routine, or something close to it.
The next step is that you can't have anything, meaning not even water, after midnight. Not a drop. This shouldn't be a big deal, as the prep instructions have you drinking eight ounces of liquid every hour, on the hour, the whole day before. But, come midnight, the well runs dry. No drinking of anything until after the procedure. Now, this doesn't sound too bad in theory, but the very fact that water is banned makes you feel desperate to drink some. I found myself lying in bed most of the night thinking about how good water tastes ... and how dry my throat was. Remember, everything you drank the day before has ... how shall I put it ... been 'flushed' from your system. You are as dry as the Sahara. And not a drop to drink. I was becoming obsessed.
So, the next day, I arrived at the outpatient clinic at 7:30 in the morning, sure that at that time, I would get a jump on everyone else, and be the first one up. Not so. The waiting room was packed. And they all looked as exhausted and desperate as I was. So, I waited my turn. Luckily, it wasn't much more than an hour before I heard my name called. Then I literally tossed my belongings at my husband, and ran through the doors. And from there on in, like I said earlier .... piece of cake. I was in and out of there in another hour and a half, and off in my car, scouting the area for the nearest McDonalds drive thru, for the largest Coke I could order. Ahhhh .... the pause that refreshes.
* All puns intended.
onemoretina at 4:15:00 PM PST Blog about this entry |
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This doesn't work with everyone but next time, chew gum. The chewing along with the fluids, helps to trick the mind into thinking you are eating. It worked for my mom. She is a colon cancer survivor. Tammy
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Uhm...I'm thirsty now. :p
You get the gold star for courage. :)
Anna -
You just reminded me why I keep refusing to have that procedure done.
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I know I already commented but I just stopped by today to say Hi.
2/20/07 9:43 PM
I'll be laughing, lying there thinking about this post, when I finally get around to it, though.
Thanks!
Judi