Peyton's Water

11:13:30 AM EDT

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms!

I was told Friday that I have a Kidney/Bladder infection.  I think I'm going to beg to differ. I haven't had a ton of them in my life, but this was sure feels different.  The pain that starts in your lower right back travels along the side and to the front near my belly button. This area is a dull aching pain with occasional stabbing. The pain has now moved up along my right back. Scott says maybe that is because of the muscles from me favoring one side. Not sure, but makes sense.  However today, along with everything else I have the "Fullness" feeling. Like all my organs don't fit right or are all bunched together. For any woman that has been pregnant when I say it feels like all my organs are stuffed way up high under my ribs.  Scott says I look bloated **HAPPY MOTHERS DAY**!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha.  If I feel like this tomorrow, back to the dr. I go with my co-pay in hand.  I am going to go to my grandmas today with the family, then skip out on my other side of the family later and just come home and we will all just hang out together. So nothing big, but being with the family, which is what Mother's Day is all about, yes?

I hope all you moms and everyone else has a great day today!

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3:39:21 PM EDT

I have known many moms, haven't we all? I have saw the worst of them, I have saw the best and I have saw those that snuggle right in the middle.

To me a good mom defines one that listens, one that is open. One that isn't trying to strive for perfection but one that is normal.    A good mom isn't afraid to get her hands dirty, her nails chipped, her hair a mess.  A good mom can let the house go to play outside.  A good mom speaks less and listens more.  

There have been few moms (that I have known IN PERSON in my life) that have "WOW'd" me.  These moms are those that have looked up to for direction and guidance.  These are moms I call when I'm lost, confused and need a Motherly lift!  I've never been to big on Mother's Day & Father's Day, I often feel it's a holiday given without good cause.  You don't earn the title mom because you gave birth or in some cases legally adopted. The title Mother comes easy, Mom does not.

For me, I have 1 Mom and 1 mother.  My mom who is the one who held my hand, laughed with me, cried with me, sat up waiting at night.  When I woke up sick, or scared I knew that mom would show up, no matter if it were 8, 10, 12 am, 2 am or 6am. My mom would be there.  My mom didn't hide her imperfections, she let me learn by viewing them.  She didn't treat me like I was a blind child that didn't notice things that maybe I wouldn't approve.   Most of all she taught me to be a wife and mom.  She wasn't perfect, far from it. Nobody ever is, the difference is she showed her TRUE self, even at the hardest times. 

I have a mother that gave me a 2nd chance at a 1st beginning.  She is my birth mom , whom I love dearly. 

So, Happy Mothers Day to both my moms, and all the moms who stand for what a Mom really is :)

 

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10:51:06 AM EDT

Yes, I had to get myself a pink fuzzy round chair thingy just like my boys have. These Chairs are SO COMFORTABLE!  And there is my new Chaise chair that is to die for when you sit in it.

Bradley calls it a "Therapy Chair", love that!

Go figure, the desk is antique, WOODEN wheels.  And that yellow ball?? Well, that is my chair! Yep, they are called an exercise ball.  This one has sand in it some so it doesn't roll away.  It is VERY comfortable. These balls are great for your "core" and you know, kinda fun to bounce on and wiggle around.  Don't even go there Phil the Thrill ;) This is a large ball ~>75cm  . I think everyone should have a office chair like this!

My view looking to the left.  All I need is my kids pictures hung up (art pics) and some other things. I love it here.

Today I went to the dr. because I starting having pain where my kidney is. I have a kidney/bladder infection. Let me tell you, NO FUN.

This morning was "Muffins with Mom" with Eric.  He made me a "spoon rest" with his hand print, these are things that will last a lifetime in my heart.

Twayna asked me about the traveling necklace, would anyone be interested in doing it??? What about a traveling t-shirt???

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8:49:22 AM EDT

If I could write one letter it would go like this: (this is a hypothetical letter, not one I am really going to send folks)

Dear Teachers,

We pay $2,700 for our son Bradley to have a quality education that is well rounded.  We understand that teachers are not the entire structure of a child's education and we have always been a large part of our child's learning process.

I would like to personally take the time to thank you for trying to drive a wedge into the relationship we have with our son.  I would like to thank you for disrupting the peace we had at home. Because your not able to do a simple task of reading a 5th Graders assignment book to make sure it is correct; I now come in at 2:20 each day in front of the class to personally help Bradley and do YOUR job.  Since I have started coming in at the end of the day, all the kids are asking Bradley why his mom is here, because he is in the front of the class it is like we are on a pedestal for all others to watch.  You would think that an ordinary child would pull his act together to prevent his/her parent from coming in and avoiding being humiliated in front of his peers. However we are not dealing with an *ordinary* child, we are dealing with a child that has some learning disabilities.  Because it is ADD, it seems to be HIS problem, not mine or ours in YOUR eyes. 

After the class has packed up, I spend a WHOPPING 5 minutes to help him. I think to myself, is 5 minutes really asking to much of teachers to do, for $2,700 a head?  My other 2 children sit and wait for us in the office downstairs each day because they no longer can just head home.  They don't complain as the secretaries in the office wonder why they are not picked up, annoyed that they to now have to wait for these kids to go so they can go home.  Sometimes a staff member will bring my two children upstairs to us because they are in the way.

On the way home, my son Bradley walks angrily in front of me about 30 ft, not wanting to acknowledge that mom is behind him.  He is mad that I came today, he is embarrassed that I was here.  He is sad that his friends now know without a doubt that he has a learning disability.  Although they don't see it as a handicap, they see it as Mommy coming in to school.  They laugh and my son tries to roll it off.

We spend the remainder of the afternoon walking on eggshells.  I am sad because my son is embarrassed with his mom. I am angry at the teachers.  We both have anger problems thanks to you not having the 5-10 minutes to help our son.  In the evening Bradley and I finally talk. He tells me he is glad he is helping me and he is sorry that he gets angry.  Tears fall out of my eyes and I say I'm sorry to, I'm trying to do what I can.

So thank you teachers, thank you for throwing out 5-10 minutes it would take you to help my child.  I spend several hours a month helping this school with volunteer needs, 1/2 of them not even on school time. I do it because I care and I am not even on the payroll.

Have a lovely Day,

The ******** Family

My son Eric has the flu. He spent much of the night up vomiting. Today I will not make it into school to help Bradley. I emailed the teachers and talked to Bradley this morning.  I just pray that they can step up to the plate this one day and help him. I pray he writes where I can read his assignment. I pray my son stops vomiting and gets better. 

I am still avoiding all airports and bus stops for fear I may end up on one and not come back for a few days.

 

 

 

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8:24:33 AM EDT

Lately I am so angry. It's the one teacher. I try to let her not get under my skin. My aunt Ruthie is SO KIND, so sweet.  She told me to just always smile at Mrs G and be overly nice.  However when I smile at someone I don't like, deeply in the pit of my soul. My smile radiates and says "I think your trash, you make me sick, I despise you, I wish you not good things, and on and on". It just shows all over my face.  Yesterday I totally sank to Mrs G's level by blowing her off and not acknowledging she is even alive and breathing. I'm actually quite cruel that way. I'm not proud of it. It's just who I am. I'm either very nice, or very cruel.  I don't think I have much middle. Least I don't feel it right now.

My friend Martha mentioned that public school often is better for kids with learning disabilities. She is correct. They are so because they are government run and have to comply with a IEP or 504 for special needs. However if a private school receives government funding it to has to comply with these same implication programs.  So last night I called the PTO president to ask if the school recieves goverment funding. He doesn't know.  When I told him why about the 504 and IEP for next year, he said "WHOOOAAA your talking foreign to me!" So we talked for a LONG time about what has been going on.  He offered to be mediator and suggested that him, Mrs G and the principal & I should meet for clear the air. I told him we have done that and it has made it worse. I would like to just get through THIS year.  However we will see, if it gets worse I told him I will take the offer up.

I had another comment about sharing the ideas that could help out Bradley. I just want to say what works for one child isn't always helpful to another.  ADHD and ADD are indeed different and what works for one may not matter to another. If there is one thing I learned, medication is not the 100% answer, it is a part of the solution and in my opinion , a small part.

Anymore I feel I should avoid the greyhound bus station and the airport so I don't skip town.  I just want some away time, some quiet time.  A place where I don't have to talk about the problems at school, kids issues or anyone else's. I want to just go somewhere and be self indulged without a care in the world. If only for a day or so.  Heck I would even take a couple hours right now of mindless wonder anywhere but here. My head is so clogged and I get so angry that my stomach is in knots and my heart is racing. 

Can someone come steal me?? The only requirements I ask is I don't want to talk about my issues with school/kids and I don't want to talk about your issues with kids or school.  I think I will run off to Vegas, any takers?  I want to lay around the pool, go to the red rock canyon, I want a big hotel room and the energy of a casino and a night life to die for .   Ever make love with open windows in Vegas over looking the beautiful night life?? That's what I'm talking about. Okay, I'm taking my babbling self off here :)

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1:37:38 PM EDT

<sigh> $2,700 per child is the tuition at the catholic school. PER CHILD.  Now I have to go in each day at 2:20 and help pack up/organize my child's assignment planner because the teachers are unable.  WHY?? Oh, they have tried, but after last week on Monday's conference they still were unable to fulfill the duty they said they could do which is:

Reading Bradley's assignment book, making sure he has it all written down int he write categories and Signing there name, so I know it's correct.  Sounds simple enough, yes?? Hardly.  I told them I will come in and do it. 

Today we had Bradley's first Child Psychologist Appointment with a dr. that specializes in ADD/ADHD and various child learning disabilities.  I sat there in her office at first saying in my head "This was a mistake".  Then after about 20 minutes she looked over at me and started talking about implementing a 504/IEP school program, that he needs to get a word processor type portable device that he can TYPE his assignments. She talked about ADD and the correlation between WRITING.  The gave us MANY GOOD organization ideas and talked about things I hadn't heard of.  By then I knew that this was indeed NOT a mistake and she was really onto something.  Next week she is going to do a full round of testing to see where Bradley is at.    So each day at 2:20 I will be walking to school and joining Bradley and his class to make sure all his stuff gets home.  I am happy to help my own son, I am irritated that none of the 3 teachers are competent enough to do this themselves at the cost of tuition per child. Pathetic.

I really think that kids are amazing and I would love to help other kids & parents someday when my kids have flown the coupe.  I tell ya, kids with any type of learning disability what so ever just does not fit into the mainstream of ANY school. You are constantly fighting for them, wheeling and dealing, reading, researching, you name it.  I feel like I am always chasing the answer but never quite grasp it.  My frustration level is sky high.

What people really don't know about me is I cam either really nice, or really NOT nice.  I don't have much of a middle ground. If I do, it is when I am silent and when I am silent I am flying under the radar stock piling information to blow someone out of the water.  I just have this mean streak I can feel boiling up inside of me.  Maybe I should go jump rope.

I also want to let you know that you can always view more of my pictures from what I post at MySpace link which is on the side bar of my blog.  Join some of us over at Myspace, we are having fun :)

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9:00:27 AM EDT

Yesterday was nearly picture perfect, the weather was great, the mass was nice and the new priest is AWESOME! Even Scott liked him , he was funny, honest and talked through his heart. Bravo to him. 

Everyone took there tours through the house, they loved it. It's neat seeing the aunts and uncles and my grandma that spent most their lives here go through the house.  I loved that.

Dusty had a great time and he looked very sharp!

My lil' Guy

The pew of our family, that is my granparents, then my mom in the pink w/ black jacket

these are the best of friends.  Walter nearly lives there. These two are TIGHT

This is my friend Denise and her son Adam. Adam, Dusty & Walter are all close.  Denise has a son in Bradley's Grade to.  We have gotten pretty tight

I loved this picture of all the pretty HAPPY girls!

Me

Dusty

Our family in the front yard

My parents & Dusty

Great Granparents. I can't help NOT getting teary eyed when I look at this picture.  I love it, My grandparetns are awesome and I just love them so.  It also TEARS me apart that my grandpa green is not in this picture. It makes me angry.  I always had all 4 of them in the picture.  God I miss him so. :(

his big old cake!

 

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9:24:30 AM EDT

Today is our 11 am Mass for Dusty. Please send nice thoughts for my lil' man :)

I took the picture above from my tower room (office) of our church. I loved the way the sun was casting on it. 

Yesterday we cleaned, ALL DAY. I'm not talking sub cleaning, I'm talking about nook & crannie cleaning.  Looks good.  Everyone's clothes are laid out and food is ready to be laid out.

I will surely be posting a lot of pictures tomorrow :)

 

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8:26:10 PM EDT

Do you ever just watch people, observe and REALLY listen to not only what they are saying, but HOW they are saying it? My parents both taught me at an early age, mostly from just watching them interact that you can learn a lot about situations and people JUST by being a spectator.  It's not just about SEEING and LISTENING, it's about transpiring all that info and really taking it in your soul, collecting it like gathered seashells and separating it into groups.

My neighbor on the other corner next door watched me grow up since the day I was born.  I will call her Mrs.B.  When I moved here, her and her daughter Molly were so gracious , happy and welcoming.  Mrs. B cooks like a God and is always sending over her food for us to try.  Mrs. B takes care of her older son who is mentally handicapped.  Her other son is is learning disabled somewhat as well.  The daughter much less so.  They all depend on their mom.  Mrs. B and my grandma (who lived here prior to us) were best friends.  Mrs. B husband died 2 mths after my grandpa did. 

The day he died, we knew it because of the police, then the coroner that came that early day.  We all went over to her house and she pulled me into her arms and cried "Oh Angie, he's gone sweetie". I just melted.  I sat with her and her daughter, both devastated.  Her other son totally numb and then the mentally handicapped man walking and pacing like crazy obviously knowing something was NOT right.  I sat on her couch for a long time and held her hand as she wept.  That is love between a husband and wife.  That is a marriage that well, just isn't the same these days it seems.

I like to watch Mrs B.  She pulls out her weeds by hand and a lil' spade.  She is very neat about her outside.  She gardens, she does it all. And she never wants help, never. She shovels in the winter no matter what, again refusing help. I wouldn't call her stubborn, just capable and determined

I like my office because the view is simply STUNNING. I can see so much and I have this amazing birds eye view from here. Here is what I just snapped just a bit ago.........

Here it is , nearly 8 pm and she is out there with a large bowl, a wash rag and a dry clothe.  She is cleaning the outside of her car. I find this simply fascinating for many reasons. It's very cool & windy outside, it's been rainy today and it's going to rain more tonight (near certain)  As I watched her , she took pride in this very old Pontiac that has had better days. It is scattered all over with rust.  She has something most don't have anymore, RESPECT for something material.  She doesn't care that it's old, rusty and outdated.  It serves her the purpose she needs.  She needs no luxuries because she has the most inner peace and love.

Only a couple weeks ago we saw Mrs B burning papers outside in the dark.  Bradley asked me about it and I told him she was likely burning papers that had Luke's name on them and and identifying information.  We went over to visit her.   She doesn't hesitate to stop and give us all a hug.  She tells us she is trying to keep the fire low not to cause any problems that it's time to clean out Luke's old papers.

She is doing so for two fold.  One she knows that this must be done, only she will know the importance of destroying them.  She also knows that her life has been long and she knows deep inside that she to will join Luke in due time. You can see the worry on her face about what will happen to her kids. Mostly her mentally handicapped son.  She is taking care of business.  She doesn't complain that her hand hurts so bad from cutting a previous box of documents.  She doesn't complain that it is time consuming burning ONE paper at a time and she worries about getting in trouble for having asmall (CONTAINED) fire to burn documents.  She knows it has to be done.    The next day Scott mentioned to my parents this and that she needed a paper shredder.  They had an extra and I took it over the next day.  You would have thought she won the lotto.

You can learn a lot from watching the faces of those that have lived, that have struggled and have survived if you just listen to their soul and not their words, for words are only sounds we have made into dialogue.  Soul runs far deeper then words can describe.

I love Mrs B. She is a rare woman.

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6:48:17 AM EDT

Today I am the Guest Editor over at Magic Smoke, you can click on my side bar and go directly to that page.  I highlighted 5 people.  My goal was to find 5 blogs that didn't have many or very few comments, ones I hadn't heard of.  I have searched for over 2 weeks.  I ended up with 3.  The other 2 are newer journals to me and you will just have to see why I choose them over there.

If you don't know already Guido (Northern Trip, Call for Support) is leaving JLand.  He suffered a loss in his family and will be closing down.  I know I am not alone when I say he is in my thoughts and I wish him the very best.

Well today couldn't be more crazier if I tried. I go to Indiana this morning, then I have to race around like a mad woman and do the final shopping for Dusty's party.  Tomorrow is another filled day, Dusty's first baseball game and team pictures.    I found out my grandma is coming on Sunday, this surprised me very much.   She said at the house closing that she would NEVER step in this home again.  I'm worried to the hilt about how she will react in her/my home.

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