Me

9:40:57 AM CDT
Feeling Anxious
Hearing People's Court

I must type fast because the last time I was on here, just as I was about to save, I was disconnected from AOL. It never does it ANY other time except when I'm writing.

Anyway, I have a job. I start Monday!!!

I'm about to get a car, either today or tomorrow!!!!! I'm going to be in debt over it, but hey, it's going to be the only way I get to work considering I have to be there at 6:15 in the morning. Oh, it's a customer service job.

Malik is back with us! Tanja isn't (thank goodness) but he is.

I'm about to finish this before AOL knocks me off.

Oh and please pray, cross your fingers, whatever you do, that I get this car. And when I do, to be safe and that no one will steal my car. Why did my best friend Marla just tell me that one of her coworker's daughters car was just stolen at the same place I'm going to work? What?!! I think I'm going to have to get a club. LOL! You know those old school things to keep people from getting your car. I may look like a dork, but oh well!

SMOOCHES AND TOODLES People!

I'll write more in detail Monday.

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10:29:08 AM CDT
Feeling Anxious
Hearing Regis and Kelly on the telly

" I wish I was a little bit taller....." Some song, sung by some dude who I can't really even remember, but it's the way I feel right now. Anybody who knows me, knows that I'm a wannabe activist, if I could I would change the world and right now I see a lot of things wrong.

Last night, ABC had a special on called 'Out of Control: AIDS in Black America' and while it was very informative at the same time it was very upsetting. A lot of people, even me, choose to ignore the AIDS epidemic simply because they don't want to deal with it...you know out of sight out of mind. But did you know that over one million Americans are affected by AIDS(or if you want to be politically correct, then HIV) and that fifty one percent of those million are blacks! This is just so upsetting.  I going to stop right here and perhaps tell the rest in a later entry because I need to tell of some other things.

Another thing....Hurricane Katrina. There is no need to say anything else. Here is an article that made me angry: News Stories for the Black Community- Louisiana Jails: Prisons or Plantations? - AOL Black Voices

My sister.....she, my daddy, and I fought the war of WWVIII. No not World War 3 but 8, there have been so many fights in this house that we are now on number eight. But to top it off you guys, she ratted me out. There are three people I don't like nosy people, unnecessary liars, and snitches. No I don't like them. Ok here's a quick review of the events....Daddy comes in the house around 6:30a.m....I wake up, freaking out because I know she hasn't been home, there will be hell to pay....I try and get Malik ready but am fussed at because Daddy says 'it's not your responsibility to get him ready!'.....she calls 'i'm on my way, i'm around the corner' (a lie)....she comes in talking yen yang and yelling like she did nothing wrong when my daddy confronts her, comes in my room to get Malik's clothes and that when it all goes down 'that bitch don't do nothing, that bitch don't work, she don't go to school!' Yes that's what she said! I said nothing. Then, then! She had the nerve to snitch on me saying if he only knew what I was doing, she was about to tell but she knows that I have too much dirt on her to tell. She later tells my other sister that I said when she moves out I want to go with her, I said I wouldn't wash Daddy's clothes, and some other things, all of these untrue. (that's 2 for 3, a snitch and unnecessary liar)She's pretty much making me out to be a spoiled brat. Darn, I can't remember, I think I've blocked it out. Oh, during the argument Daddy told her that she doesn't take care of Malik that I do and she told him that she didn't ask me to ever do anything for him but then told Tricia(my other sister) that I can help with Malik. I'm going to stop, my heart hurts.

Why has my font changed? Above or somewhere is my baby Malik on the first day of school, a summer day, and then a pic of he and I together on my graduation night.

I MISS MY BABY SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!! :***(

I just wish I was a little bit taller..........

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1:56:30 PM CDT
Feeling Angry
Hearing the radio

I am so furious. I typed out a nice, little cute entry for you guys and just as I was saving it, the darn thing(the internet) cut off! Yes it did! I talked about how my sister is missing (nothing serious, she just hasn't come home), my newly, favorite songs but I must still tell you about....RHIANNA and "UNFAITHFUL," I love that freaking song! I also told you guys about how the margins on this thingamawhogy kept moving and how even though I may not leave a comment to please believe that I do read your journals, I just feel that sometimes whatever I have to say is so simple or irrelevant, but you know how that goes. I knowed, knew, but knowed we should've gotten broadband. Darn AOL....

Well anyway, that's the entry in a condensed version. Peace out peeps...hee hee, sometimes I am so corny. Anyway....

SMOOCHES and TOODLES!

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2:04:01 PM CDT
Feeling Silly
Hearing Fear Factor, I can't listen to music while blogging

HELLERR!! I bet you guys are like 'where in the heck has she been?' Well I've been around. The reason for my subject is because I am so different you guys, I mean a lot.

I'm trying to think of things that I need to update you guys on...let's see: I quit my job, yes. I never said where I worked because I was ashamed but it was Subway. You know that sandwich place, but you know what? I loved it! It was such thoughtless work, so easy, and it got to the point that I was really fast and really good at it. You're probably thinking what's the big deal about being good or fast, it's just a sandwich? No my friend. You have to be fast if you have a line wrapping around the store and you have to be good because some of those people were some picky bitches. Ooh! Ok, back to me quitting. I quit because money kept "disappearing" from my drawer. And the bitches had the nerve to want me to pay it back. NO, I'm not going to pay it back when two other people keep going in my drawer and it always happens when one person in particular keeps going in it. Shittin' me!

My birthday was fun. I did get a little buzzed, but I sobered up quickly when Tony (my ex boyfriend) walked up to me. I was like 'what the hell?' I mean seriously, what are odds folks? We started talking again or whatever and everything was gravy until he pissed me off. Then he didn't call for like 3 weeks, but I didn't want to talk to him, because if I had I would have called him. He called like last week talking like everything was all gravy. Boy don't call me, I have moved on.

I have a new boy toy. Anybody who knows me knows that if a dude starts acting stupid I find a new one. But I was looking for a different one even before Tony was a doody head. Anyway his name is Jason, and as much as I don't want to like him........I do! Oh my goodness. When I first saw him I was 'what in the heck have they tried set me up with?' But I didn't want to be rude when he started talking to me, so I talked, and I didn't want to be rude when he asked for my number, so I gave it to him. Needless to say, we've talked every night since that Sunday night one month ago and have even gone a several times. I'm so confused. He's not ugly, he's just a bad boy, and I was trying to get over that whole bad boy thing. One thing about him is his eyes. I love his eyes, they're like a medium brown which contrasts quite nicely with his chocolate skin. Ooh how I love dark skin dudes! I will talk to a lightskinned one but he HAS to be cute. And to I like kissing Jason, this may be TMI (too much info) but I didn't like kissing Tony for real and I didn't like kissing Andre until I was actually in love. But with Jason, I do. Strange.

I feel so bad because I haven't  been shopping in about 3 weeks. So I have come up with this ingenious plan. Muaw-ha-ha! I'm going to get money out of my savings and put it into my checking and order some stuff off wetseal.com. THEY HAVE THIS GREAT SALE!! OH! It is so great. I saw the cutest tunic length top, but it's like extreme tunic length so it looks like a dress. I'm going to pair it with these cute camel open toe pumps I bought while in Georgia and a cute big belt that I saw on the site. Or perhaps some leggings, a cute necklace and some flats. I saw a lot of things but it's too much to type. But all of this is a secret. My daddy doesn't and can't know. Shh! Don't tell him. lol.

Blog you later guys!

Smooches and Toodles!

 

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12:05:16 PM CDT
Feeling Happy

AOL should have a mood thingy for bored because I am bored out of my mind! Oh my goodness! What do normal people do on their days off? Someone please tell me. I'm slowly sliding back into J-Land, leaving comments on the journals that I've been following for awhile.

Intyways, TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY!!! WHOO!!! I'll be 19, officially able to buy tobacco, yeah! My plans are so un-Godly. I plan to spend the weekend with my sister, Tanga (the one I'm closest to). Friday and Saturday, I plan to go clubbing and during this time I may, no I will, be buzzed. The only thing is my daddy doesn't know any of this AND he doesn't want me to go to the club or drink. Too bad, so sad brother. He's so protective of me. He wants me to be a pure, snow white, innocent being and to tell you the truth I am. I don't do anything. Most times I'm always at home, but not THIS weekend!

 I plan to party my booty off. Friday, it'll be me, Brandi, Marla, Tanja, Tanja's bestfriend Deletha, and Deletha's cousin. Then we're going somewhere Saturday night. But during the day I may go out with Andre. Yes I said Andre. Don't look like that. He promised me dinner, and anybody knows me, knows I don't turn down food especially free food. My sister will provide me with wine coolers (anything harder takes HORRIBLE). But to tell the truth I'm afraid to go to the club, I went once when I was in school and I HATED it. OMGoodness. But at least this time I'll have my sister.

I have potential outfits planned. I'll come back after everything and tell you what I wore.

Yes, this entry is everywhere, no structure what so ever. I'm too happy and excited to pay attention to what I'm doing

12 MORE HOURS BEYBEH!!!

Smooches and Toodles!

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9:29:54 AM CDT
Feeling Quiet

Oh my goodness! The biggest weight has been lifted off my shoulders. You know it must be important if I'm writing 2 days in a row.

I forgive everybody. Everybody! I forgive my sister for ignoring and not placing as much emphasis on my granny panny as she should have; I forgive Andre for hurting me all those countless times; I forgive all of the countless family members and friends who didn't bother to help me or my mom when she was sick; I forgive my uncle for the deragatory term he used when he referred to my mom when she was on her death bed; I forgive my dad for not being there for me; I forgive my former best friend Sinamen; I forgive all of the boys that hurt my heart.....I forgive myself.

I forgive Tricia because I don't know why she didn't come see grandma, but all I know is that I did what I was supposed to do to take care of her, and I would do it again without thinking. I forgive Andre because I know how he is, I'm not taking up for him, but I know his past and I should think about that. I forgive all those people who didn't help mommy and me, all those many nights when I had to illegally drive to the store to get her something, or times she would hurt so all we could do was pray. I forgive, because I know that I took care her for that year without ANY help until 4 days before she passed, and I know that God was with us through those seven years of sickness, sadness, and pain that resulted from her illnesses. I forgive my uncle for calling my mom a 'bitch' right in front of me, I can't say that my relationship will be all nitty gritty but I have to let it go. I forgive my dad for not being there because the fact of the matter is: he's here now, right here. And like my favorite uncle, Uncle Peanut, said 'You shouldn't take sides with anybody because although you think you know, you don't know what went on.' I forgive Sinamen, at one time Sinamen was my best friend, I was closer to her than any of my sisters, I could talk to her about ANYTHING, she knew everything about me, EVERYTHING. Although she did change, I can't place all the blame for our relationship falling apart solely on her, (not to be mean but) she's a brown-noser, a follow the crowd type of gal, and in denial of who she TRULY IS. But besides that it was my fault too, I just hope she truly knows how sorry I am. I forgive all the boys and people too who have hurt my heart, making me cry, wondering why I didn't fit in, why wasn't I pretty enough, why am I so dark-skinned, and why am I "pretty for a dark-skinned girl". It was something I had to go threw to grow, as Heather Headley says. Finally I forgive myself, although this may take some more time, I'm trying and I hope to, with prayer, finally be happy with myself.

If you're wondering why all this, I read and article and it was profound: http://blackvoices.aol.com/black_lifestyle/soul_spirit_headlines_features/canvas/feature_article?id=20060410175109990001

If you're not into God, you might not want to read this. But even if you take that out, it's still a nice article. At least to me.

Anybody who knows me, knows that I don't easily trust people. AT ALL! So if you do something to break that trust, I will not like you, always bring up what you did, and probably never forgive you. So this is a big step for me. I pray I won't backslide because I like this feeling. So nice....

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8:43:10 AM CDT
Feeling Sad
Hearing Birdies outside

Hi you guys. I know it's been forever since I've been here, but for some reason it's like my heart isn't here. Anyway, I get up this morning and in my inbox there are some entries, yes the same 'my dog just jumped over the fence' but then I see two about a lady named Pam or His1desire (I think I'm spelling it right) who passed away Sunday. I went there read her journal and cried like a baby.

You wouldn't think after all these years I could still cry like a baby when comes to my mom, but I do. Like Miss Pam, my mom passed away of lung cancer. Miss Pam has a teenage daughter and I boohooed because I feel for her, I know what it's like to grow up without a mother.

Here's the link to her journal:  http://journals.aol.co.uk/his1desire/JustOneGirlsHeadNoiseUK/

Go there (Oh no, my font just changed!), it may seem silly to right a comment in someone's journal who won't be able to read it, but her family can, and I'm sure it would brighten their spirits to see the love.

I may be back later, I don't know. There's so much to talk about, you guys have missed a lot. I miss you guys!! I have kept up with most of your journals (somewhat), I just haven't bothered to write a comment. Sometimes I feel like there's no purpose in leaving one because most times all I say is something goofy, oh well.

Smooches and Toodles 

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8:55:46 PM CST
Feeling Sad
Hearing The radio

Too....tired....to.....talk. Man....I'm so sleepy but my knees hurt too bad for me to go to sleep. My feet are so swollen they look like they belong to pregnant people. I started work today. Yay me, I guess. Thanks you guys for all of the love, I needed it. I will try to visit you guys but I know I won't be able to in the next few days because of work. And to be truthful I will just delete all of the alerts because of those people who feel compelled to tell me that their dog just doody then jumped over the fence. I'll have more to write later but right now I'm going to go soak my knees. Yes I know that's not possible, it was just wishful thinking. You know I would really, really love some doughnuts. Anyway that's all.

Smooches and Toodles!

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8:40:32 PM CST
Feeling Sad
Hearing Malik smacking and reciting the script to "The Little Rascals" (We love that movie!)

Ha! I crack myself up with these titles, they just come out of nowhere. I'm seriously depressed...seriously, I'm being mean to everybody even Tony and now he's mad at me, but of course he won't say it, I just know. Did I tell y'all that I started talking back to Tony?! Yeah I am, yay me! I don't know if it'll get serious though. But anyway, I would take anti-depressants if it weren't for me being so young. I'm sort of afraid that I'll get dependant on them.

Anyway, do y'all know that I didn't get that damn job! I mean seriously.....All these damn people keeping saying 'do you have any experience?' Hell naw, I ain' got no experience! How in the hell can I get any if you won't hire me...bitches! Excuse me please. I've put in so many applications though, at least 20, seriously. Have y'all noticed that I say seriously alot? Seriously. LOL. That last one was just me being goofy. I think I have ADD, seriously (there it goes again!). I should be tested.

My family is getting on my nerves. I love them to pieces, God knows I do but I'm ready to pimp slap them. Like today with my Dad, he complained and fussed all day. One of the complaints was about me and Malik leaving a bowl downstairs. What the hell?! We didn't pick the damn thing up  because we didn't leave it and we didn't see it! If I would have seen it, believe me, I would have picked it up. After having Brandi as a roommate I know what it's like to have somebody step over things and not pick them up, I wouldn't do that to Daddy anymore. And he fussed about some more things and how I am. Yeah sure, I'm the worst person in the world, irresponible, lazy, boring, mean, selfish, disrespectful and on and on. Sometimes I wonder why am I like that? Then I think about it and I realize why, hell you would be too. And I think ONE of the reasons I act the way I do is because he wasn't there for me. Yes I'm backwards and it's because of you! That's also why I ignore you, not intentionlly but subconsicously. (Uh oh you guys I feel another entry coming on titled "Yeah I Act Like That" LOL.) But for the record I am not lazy, irresponsible or disrespectful....the others may be true, ha lol. That whole lazy thing I wonder about, I'm always tired and most times if I walk or stand for a short amount of time my knees and legs hurt so bad I sometimes cry. It's like I can feel the blood moving through them. Strange but true.

What's up with that Ne-Yo song? I love him but they play damn song too much. Ne-Yo, I'm "So Sick" of that damn song.............What's up with people posting eight and nine times a day? Look dude, I don't care if you just boo-booed or went to the grocery store, I really don't need to know all of that........What's up with me?! Why am I contemplating suicide, and you want to know the sad part.....no one suspects it. I somtimes try and cry out but no one hears me. It's as if I falling into a black hole.....I'm slowly watching my life drift away, only there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm sorry you guys I didn't intend for this to be a sad entry. I wanted it to be funny, I was almost there but then again almost doesn't count.

 

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9:36:22 AM CST
Feeling Sad
Hearing Me and Malik's favorite movie "The Little Rascals"

I'm sad. I can't shake it. Nobody really knows how I feel. I'm being mean to everybody kinda. I'm sure everybody thinks that I'm being a bitch....but I'm not. My heart is just aching for someone's love, attention, and affection.

I had an interview Friday, I think. I'm really paranoid, I hope I get it because I really need a job, to shop and help pay for school. I'm trying to have good thoughts, but the devil is getting in the way.

This whole journal thing isn't even making me happy anymore. I would stop, I think I may.........Shoot, who am I kidding? I couldn't do that, I would probably go coo-coo. I'll try to make my journals more lively though. With that being said, the following is something that I was doing, one day, while I was in the hospital with Granny Panny. (FYI: her name isn't Panny, it's just something I came up with because it rhymed with granny.)

Don’t you hate when….

 

….you get behind old people at Wal-Mart? Now I love old people, to me they are the cutest things on Earth besides babies, but I hate to get behind them at Wal-Mart. It’s like everything possible goes wrong when you’re behind them.

 

….you decide to go somewhere just how you are at that moment and it just so happens that you look a hot mess, then lo and behold, you see somebody you know? Those are horrible times, especially if it’s a cute member of the opposite sex.

 

….you have money to go shopping and see nothing? Then when you have no money, everybody hasa sale!

 

….you feel helpless and wish you could do something, but you can’t?

 

….you hate a song but somehow learn the words to it and find yourself singing it all the time? Man…how irritating, but somehow you secretly love it.

 

….you’re trying to read something and somebody keeps talking to you? Case in point, my daddy, I’m the type of person who has to concentrate when I read, but I can’t if you keep talking! And sometimes it’s about crazy stuff!

 

….you’re trying to watch something and somebody keeps talking to you or somebody calls you?! This happened the other night when I was watching 24. I’m watching my favorite show, why are you talking to me?! Or if somebody calls you and they can tell that you’re busy (because you’re watching your show) but they continue to talk, then after five minutes of silence, they assume you have an attitude then tell you to call them back. Now you could tell when I first answered I was busy, I was just being nice by not ignoring your call after I saw it on the Caller ID.

 

….you see embarrassment coming for somebody? You know they will embarrass themselves but you can’t stop it and can’t tell them because they won’t believe a word you say.

 

….people write in too small of a font in their blogs? That really hurts my heart, especially if the few words that you can read seem like it’s a good entry or good blog. I can’t see as it is, I really don’t need my blindness to progress.

 

….people are trifling?! Especially family or so called friends. And people who barely come to check on their dying grandmother!

 

….you’re eating something really tasty and just as you’re about to put in it your mouth, you drop it?! Oh the pain!

 

 

If you have any "Don't you hate it when..." feel free to share! I have lots more but this is just a sample (to tell you the truth, I would have to think some more!) lol!

Toodles!

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