PoeticTragedy

12:15:54 PM EDT
Feeling Worried
Hearing Nothing

So there's been a change in plans...

The job here is simply not offering enough money for what the job entails, so I'm not going to take it if they offer it to me.  I can make more being a secretary and having an easy job, rather than working my ass off at a job for no recognition and low pay.

So....

I'm going back to Jersey.  I know I'm crazy.  I just can't stand being away from my husband and I don't want to leave all the packing to him (so far since he's been home he's been fishing every night rather than packing).  Plus my heart just HURTS being away from him.  We got a ticket for only 83 dollars for me to return this next wednesday, and to be honest, getting to next wednesday is going to be hard enough for me.  Someone tell me I'm not crazy and that what I'm doing is understandable....

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8:46:49 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing My myspace page

So I'm finally here in California, where I've wanted to be for the past year.  The only downside of this is that my husband still has a month left in New Jersey.  I miss him already and it's only been one day...  like I've told other people, he's been my only social contact for the past year and not having him with me is like losing one of my limbs...  I'm sorry to complain so much...but it's my journal, I'm going to let it out.

There is some good news; however, I had my first job interview today for an awesome job... and was moved to the next step, a panel interview.  I'm very nervous about the panel interview because it's going to be at least three people interviewing me.  Yikes.  Who do I even look at?  I guess the person speaking to me, right?  My job interview is for a Contract Administrator at Spherion (which is inside Hewlett Packard). 

So that's my life in a nutshell right now.  I'm living at my mom's house, which, so far, is going okay.  Hopefully it continues that way...

Just thought I'd update my journal and let all know that I arrived in California, we made it in only three days, and that was with a stop in Missouri to meet Russ's Dad and Sister, which went great!  I'll post some pictures from our visit...

 

Above: Russ, Russ' Dad and his Sister

Above: Russ and I in Teresa (his sister's) kitchen

Above: The two couples in front of Teresa's house

Above: Teresa and her fiance

Above: Russ and I and our baby, the Jetta Wolfsburg

Above: Russ and I messing around with the camera... God I miss him.....

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7:43:05 AM EDT
Feeling Anxious
Hearing None

So today is moving day, and I am seriously nervous.  Russ and I are trying to get there as fast as possible, so we're taking turns sleeping and driving.  I don't consider myself to be a very good driver and I'm really nervous to have to drive so much... hope all goes well.

At least I am packed and ready to go.  I can't bring much because it all needs to fit in my mom's guest bedroom.  So, I have one box of clothes and one bag of toiletries, including my hair dryer, straightener and curler. 

I should be excited to go, but I woke up early this morning from nervousness.... wish me luck!  I will write again sometime when I am back in California!

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2:54:09 PM EDT
Feeling Happy
Hearing Myspace playlist

Well today is mine and Russ's Anniversary!  We've been married for two years now, which might not seem like long, but I'm only 20, and that's pretty much my entire adult life!  We've been through a lot in these two years, but if I had it all to do over again, I would!  I love you Russ!

Just thought I'd share some pictures of us!

Above: Russ and I on Halloween, A pimp and her "ho".  I really love the ho's skull tattoo and chest hair.

Above: Russ and I on my 18th Birthday (I'm finally legal! LOL)

Above: Russ getting off of work after a war exercise in Korea

Above: Russ and I when he came home from Korea

Above: Russ and I when he first came home from Iraq

Above: Russ and I at my little brother's football game

Above: Waiting in line for the Hinder concert

Above: Taking Christmas pics for our annual Christmas cards

Above: Russ and I at his Squadron's Thanksgiving celebration

Above: Russ and I in San Francisco

Above: Russ and I when we first met, and yes, he meant to make that face! LOL

 

 

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10:01:23 AM EDT
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing My new myspace playlist, LOL

Moving day is coming up fast!  It's already Monday and we leave Friday night!  I'm a little nervous about the me driving part (I'm not a great driver, I get really anxious) but we have a great GPS and it should lead me the right way.  My husband and I will be switching shifts in order to get to Missouri (to see his sister and his dad) first, and then finally to California.

Frankly, I'm terrified to meet his sister and Dad.  I've never even talked to either one of them on the phone and Russ and I have been married for two years.  I haven't lost as much weight as I wanted to, but I guess if they like me, they're going to have to like me for who I am.... which is kinda fat.  I guess I'm just nervous because his sister is totally gorgeous.

Above: Russ's Sister and her fiance, I think this picture was taken in Austria.

See what I mean? The girl is gorgeous.  I'm totally scared she'll see just what I look like and not who I really am inside...the same goes for Russ's dad.  I am still excited to meet them, don't get me wrong, but I'm still very very nervous.

Basically this whole trip has my nerves all agitated... though I know in the end we'll end up back HOME!  I'll finally get to be with my friends and family. 

My mom; however, is already starting in on her bullshit.  She told me I better take care of my medical problems (I've been in and out of the hospital the past 2 weeks) before I got there because she doesn't want to be sitting around waiting rooms and hospitals.  Nice, huh?  She also told me I couldn't bring my fish because it would be too "stinky".  Take it from someone with a sensitive nose, the fish does not smell like anything.  She's the one who has 3 (yes THREE) dogs.  Now they can stink!  Good thing I love them! 

 

Above: Me and Abby, Abby with her eyes half closed, LOL.  Isn't she sweet?

That's actually another thing I'm looking forward to.  My mom's dog, Abby (my favorite) is reaching her second "heat" and is ready to be bred!  Unfortunately I can't have a puppy from this litter because my mom won't give me a puppy until I have a house with a decent yard (which kinda makes sense, even though they are just little dogs, Dachshunds "Weiner Dogs").  Maybe I can change her mind, it sure would make a good 21st birthday present!  We'll see.

Well I'm basically still babbling because I have nothing else to do and thought I'd do an entry... I can't sleep because my arms keep going numb and hurting.  I currently have icy hot on both of my arms and it's somewhat helping.

Well I guess that's it for now.  I'm basically packed... everything I needed to take fit into one box, the only things left to pack are my toiletries and my computer... which obviously isn't going in until last minute, LOL.

Thanks for reading!

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2:22:20 PM EDT
Feeling Angry
Hearing Myspace Page

So yesterday was Russ's birthday, and it was supposed to be a big day, complete with a concert of my favorite band (my favorite since I was 14 years old).  The day was going great and so was the concert, even though we were being shoved every which way (I feel like I've been hit by a train today).  Finally after 3 other bands, The Used comes out to play.  Bert (the lead singer) seemed really sick, like so sick that he shouldn't have been out there.  I know he recently had a surgery and we could see that he was drinking tea instead of water on stage.  He looked terrible, but still sounded great. 

We were still dealing with being shoved by the crowd and eventually Russ and I got seperated by a couple of people.  People were crowdsurfing and I was getting kicked in my face, in my nose, and on my head.  Finally, a big guy, who should NOT have been crowdsurfing falls.... right on my head and neck.  The next minute or so is gone from my memory.  My next memory is that of a girl yelling at me "Hey, are you ok??? Hey! Hey! Are you ok???"  I looked past her to see my husband freaking out and trying to grab me to pull me out of the crowd.  Eventually we got out of the crowd (all of this is a blur to me) and Russ takes me outside where paramedics show up.  They ask me a lot of questions and I guess I seemed really out of it and confused because they told me they needed to call for an ambulance.

I'm not sure what happened to me when I got hit.  I don't know if I had a seizure (my mom is epileptic) or if I passed out with my eyes open... or what happened.  Luckily, I didn't fall because there were so many people around me that it held me up. 

After sitting in the freezing cold, waiting for the ambulance, and still hearing my favorite band playing inside, the ambulance finally showed up.  I still am confused about everything that happened, it feels like a big blur to me.  I remember thinking that the inside of the ambulance looked like a hearse and being afraid that the hospital would stick me with a needle to get an IV in.  For those that don't know, I'm what nurses call a "hard stick" because my veins are very tiny and very very hardto find.  And they usually collapse after a few days of having an IV in.  I was finally dismissed from the hospital with orders to be woken up every four hours for a concussion.

To top off this nightmare of a night, Russ got pulled over on the way home for speeding.  By this point I had been crying hysterically anyways because of everything that had gone wrong that day and night.  The police officer heard me sobbing and I explained to him that my husband was just trying to get me home because I had just gotten out of the hospital.  I had to show them my wristband in order for them to believe me (they actually thought we had been fighting and that's why I was crying).  Finally they come back to the car and let us off with a warning.  That's the one thing I thanked God for that day.

That drive home, I could not stop sobbing... it was like everything was hitting me at once.  Especially the fact that I have to live in California at my Mom's house (my mom is a nightmare to live with) for a month without seeing my husband.  This has been hitting me hard and last night that and other things were just making me sob hysterically as we drove the hour drive home.  I continued crying at home and eventually cried myself to sleep with my husband trying to console me and comfort me.  Today I woke up with swollen eyes from crying so hard.  That and I feel like a train hit my body.

So now I'm sitting here, basically feeling sorry for myself, and feeling even sorrier for Russ.  I ruined everything.  I ruined the concert and I ruined his birthday.  That's all I seem to do lately is ruin things and I hate it and right now I hate myself for it. 

Just needed to vent and "tell someone" about how I feel.  I don't know who reads this, but thank you for listening to me...

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10:42:15 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing the fans blowing because the ac is out

So there's a couple of rules that I always have abided to.  Wives sometimes have to do things that they don't like for their husbands.  Some examples would be.... well.... anal sex, blow jobs... uncomfortable sexual positions, etc.  And not just sexually but in general cases in real life.

So my husband has this fascination with boats and fishing.  We have a blow up 2 person boat that seats both of us comfortably for about 30 minutes.  I sometimes enjoy floating around in it although as some of you may know, I am terrified of lakes, fish and anything that has to do with water that isn't in a glass or a pool.  Even in a pool I am terrified of the pool cleaning thing. 

For weeks my husband has wanted to go down this river in the boat.  I thought, ok, maybe it could be relaxing and romantic, so I agreed to it.  It kept getting put off for different reasons, like weather and such, which I personally did NOT mind.  Finally the weekend came where my husband kept bringing it up, and like a good wife I excitedly suggested we float down the river.  I hoped that this trip would get it out of his system so to speak.

So we're floating down the river, which ends up being very creepy.  People who live alongside the river have docks, some say KEEP OUT and some are rusting and falling to pieces.  Several times in the river we get stuck because the water is too shallow, or we hit a rock or stick.  I'm completely miserable, and the trip just keeps on going.  We assumed that since there was a place to launch your canoe, there would be a place to pull your canoe out of the water as well.

WRONG.  The river just keeps going and going and my husband is ok with it.  I'm thinking the entire time how on earth will we get back to our car?  I beg my husband several times to pull onto someone's dock, but he refuses, stating that it's someone's backyard and we can't go through it.  While this may be true, I highly doubt that some of these houses were even inhibited or that the people would even care if we pulled up and deflated our boat and walked away.

We keep going and going.  I'm absolutely terrified because it's gotten somewhat dark from the heavy shade of the trees, scary things are floating in the water with us, and the houses are getting dingier and creepier.  Finally I've had enough and DEMAND that Russ pull our boat to the side.  There is no dock there but there is some level ground that I can climb onto.  I try climbing out of the boat and slip a couple of times, ending up grabbing the ground with my nails alone and balancing myself. 

Now we begin a steep hike uphill while toting a boat.  We go through bushes, which I fall in, and thorn bushes, which I get cut in.  My hands, legs and feet are filthy (did I mention I'm wearing flip flops?).  We end up in a junkyard.

I walk at full speed through the junkyard screaming for help, but nobody hears me.  We eventually hike around the junkyard, my husband and I are not even walking together at this point because I am so furious that he took us so far down the river and into the middle of nowhere.  We end up alongside a road that we've never heard of.  Cars pass us by but nobody stops to help (Welcome to the East Coast, Kaileigh).  Finally we reach a street that has a name and we call our friend Dave (Cheryl's husband) and ask him if he can google our position and come pick us up.

Thankfully, Dave comes and saves us, and drives about 5 or 6 miles back to our car.  Thank God for good friends who will come and help in a situation.  Russ and I are hardly speaking at this point, though we "made up" later.

As for our little "Adventure"..... I do NOT plan to repeat it or anything like it anytime soon.  I'm just thankful we made it back to the car and back home that night.  And anyways, I did it once.... so I don't ever have to do it again.... right???

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4:20:27 PM EDT
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing Nothing

So there may be a change in plans...

Russ and I talked it over today and decided that when I take my trip back to California to visit friends and family, that maybe I should just stay there.  This way, I could seek employment, get an apartment lined up, and also start to save my sanity by being around the people I love and who love me back.  This would also save me the hassle of packing up our house to move, and being stuck in a Uhaul for over a week.  If Russ moves our stuff then he would simply pull over to the side of the road to sleep, rather than us getting a hotel every night.  This would save over a thousand dollars.  Now all that's left to do is call my mom and see what she thinks and see if she'll let me stay with her until I can obtain employment....  Cross your fingers for me, this could be a very positive step....

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3:10:32 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing I know I put this everytime, but, My myspace page.

So, this weekend we did a couple of things that were nice.  We went over to Cheryl and Dave's house to have dinner (she makes great meatloaf!) and then we went to the base movie theatre to see Transformers.  The movie was good, but I've seen it before, so I wasn't that crazy to see it... plus some army brats behind us wouldn't shut up.  I hate when people interrupt movies.  One of my BIGGEST pet peeves.  For those who don't know me outside of AOL Journals, I'm a total movie buff, I go and see at least one movie a week... and I HATE it when anyone interrupts my movie!

The next day we rode about an hour and a half away and went horseback riding.  I don't think many people know, but I've ridden horses (both english and western style) since I was about 8 years old.  I've barrel raced, and done gymkhana (gymnastics on horseback... not my favorite, scares the crap out of me).  Horseback riding was awesome, and truly made me feel happy.  I haven't felt that happiness in a long, long time.  I wish I could have bottled that feeling and saved it for whenever I am sad... if only life were that easy.  Russ loved horseback riding, and even felt brave enough to get his horse into a canter (right before a gallop).  Like I said, if only I could feel as happy as I did when I was on horseback all the time...of course today I'm feeling the aftermath... walking like I just got off the horse and all my muscles are sore.  At least I got a little work out!

So as I assume you know, I've been through a rough patch lately.  More than just a rough patch, it's been devastating.  I've been depressed and have been having non-stop panic attacks.... well it's been going on for almost exactly a month.  I tried to think of what had been different in that month and it hit me.. I changed my birth control tablets to Yaz instead of Yasmin.  That's dealing directly with my hormones, which can most definetly affect my mood.  So I decided to switch back and  (knock on wood) I'm starting to feel better already.  So that's my theory on why the depression came on so sudden, it was all listed under Yaz's side effects, all these things that I've been feeling.  We'll have to see how it goes.  If it's in your heart to do so, please say a little prayer for me that I can get well...

 

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3:23:33 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing Myspace Page

So it's finally Thursday, so my number one thing I'm thankful for is

1. It's almost Friday!!!!

Let's see...

2.  My mom, who for the past weeks has listened to me when I'm in hysterics and has calmed me down and helped me feel better.  I can't wait to go home to see her, and I definetly can't wait until we go home FOR GOOD!

Only 70 days left until we leave this hell hole!!!!

Above: My beautiful Mom!!!  I love her and miss her so much....

3.  My husband, for being my rock during these hard times.  I love you baby!

4.  For our new friends, Dave and Cheryl.

5.  My XOXO girls, who have also been helping me through these hard times.

On another note, my Mom recently told me that she has the story I wanted to share on her computer.  This was a big relief to me because I thought that I would have to retype the entire thing, it's like 15 pages... that would have sucked.  Thank you again to my Mom!!!  So my story should be on here shortly, it's something I wrote in my Senior year of Highschool, so don't be too critical!  It's just a sample of my writing.

Soon to come!

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