BREAST CANCER SUCKS: WALKING IT WITH A LESBIAN FAMILY

My Dearest Nancy,

Here it is Christmas Eve already, Nance, & I'm no better today than the day that I lost you.   My first Christmas without you in 13 years is not easy.  I just want to sleep through all of it.  Everything we did as a family is now just a sweet memory.  It hurts so damned jbad.  I knew this wouldn't be easy, but honey, its much harder than I could even have dreamed.  OH GOD I WISH NANCE, THAT YOU WERE STILL WITH ME.  MY HEART IS ACHING FOR YOU.

I have to at least pretend that all is OK, though, so I don't ruin the holiday for our daughter.  Even though she's 19, she still has the true spirit of Christmas & I really don't want that ruined because of my sadness.  It isn't going to be easy, but I'll try my hardest.

All of our wonderful years spent together and all of the traditions we started together, I'll miss them all.  Mostly I'll miss 2 traditions.  Remember how we used to all gather under a picture of our Lord and say a prayer before opening our gifts?  (1st the one your Great Aunt (I think) had commissioned for the church, but they didn't want, and then later, under the picture you painted.)  We thanked Jesus together for all of the wonderful blessings he gave us that year, no matter how small.  That tradition always meant so much to me & I know Kaycee too.

Another of my favorite traditions involved just you and me.  You would always wake up early and then wake me up.  Before Kaycee woke up (or, LOL, we had to wake her up is more like it), we'd spend an hour or two, just the two of us, with the tree lights on & Christmas music playing.  We'd give each other our "special" gift & then just cuddle together on the couch.  Then, we'd wake up Kaycee after we had our "special" time.

Both of these wonderful memories will always remain with me, but I sure do cry uncontrollably when I think of them.  I'll truely miss them both.

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