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PART 4 (CONCLUSSION): "JUST THE FACTS MA'M" OUR/HerSTORY (Nancy's, Mine, & Kaycee's)
4/22/06
4/22/06
4/22/06
Saturday, April 22, 2006
6:46:00 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing NOT REALLY LISTENING TO, BUT HEARING: Melissa Etheridge's "I RUN FOR LIFE"
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6:46:00 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing NOT REALLY LISTENING TO, BUT HEARING: Melissa Etheridge's "I RUN FOR LIFE"
PART 4 (CONCLUSSION): "JUST THE FACTS MA'M" OUR/HerSTORY (Nancy's, Mine, & Kaycee's)
FORWARD: She got out of the hospital after being in the coma right before Thanksgiving of '04. We were so VERY THANKFUL that she was able to not only come home, but WALK (as if nothing had happened) through our HOME DOOR AND spend Thanksgiving w/our families! The doggies were happy to see her too! BUT, things were going to spiral down from this point at a rate we would have never guessed.
It started first after the 2 weeks of daily radiation. We went for her first Chemo Tx in about 2 months (after the surgery & rad), and they did the weekly blood work to find out how her red blood cells and platelet count was holding up. Since she had not received ANY chemo in nearly 2 months AND since they were still giving her the bi-weekly shot to keep her counts up, we (or they) were not expecting to find her platelet count so low. It was in the 20's! They will NOT give ANY type of chemo (most of the kinds of chemo out there, anyway) if your platelet count is BELOW 100!!!!!!! Instead of chemo, she had to get a platelet transfussion (by this time, we'd become quite used to blood transfusions--she did have to have a few due to her red blood cell count being so low despite the shot to try to keep it up). The following week, the same thing...no chemo; platelet count back down...this time just barely hitting 20. This was in January. The following week, same basic thing and the doctor started talking about Hospice. (He actually had brought it up before, but Nance was never ready for it. And as long as we were *getting along* and were comfortable w/out the help at home together, it was OK by him).
By this time, Nan hadn't received any chemo since the first week or so in Nov. The lesions on the skin were not only back in full force, but were spreading rampantly down towards her abdomen. At this point, we were now running out of Tx options (and Dr. Cody once again brought up the idea of Hospice. Again Nan dismissed that idea and asked if *he was giving up on her*). STILL,even w/the options seemingly now gone, Dr. Cody said to Nancy "it may be a long shot, but there may be one more Tx we can try, it isn't really a chemo med, but it has shown to make some improvements in some cases. Do you want to give it a try? It's a pill that you take at home, 2 pills really. One is an antibiotic, (often, as I found out, used in the Tx of cancer....strange) the other used in cancer Tx's". Nancy (by this time, I wasn't giving my opinion of what she should/should not do, this needed to be HER decision and HER decision ONLY) said she wasn't ready to give up just yet, that she would like to try this pill. They began her on it that day. It did clear up some lesions, but not many. She wasn't on it an entire month when she needed to be hospitalized again (I can't remember exactly why, now, but think it was yet another platelet transfusion that they actually gave her reluctantly because we knew by this time that she could have a platelet transfusion every three days & her platelets would still drop no matter what).
We were there a few days when her doctor came in and told us she could go home IF she was willing to let Hospice come in and help out. This was the VERY FIRST TIME HE ACTUALLY FORCED THE ISSUE and to be honest, on hind site I'm glad he did as we still were not able to see the truth; wouldn't accept it). This was the morning of February 4th, '05. I remember the date because this was also the date of our commitment ceremony right there at her hospital bedside...we always wanted to do that, but just never got around to it. I promised her that SHE WOULD NOT leave this world w/out us getting *married*. Our minister came to the hospital and that's when we finally did it. Nance did NOT leave this world w/out us getting married. (And, remember I told you what a wonderful Onc she had? Well, he went down to the gift shop HIMSELF and picked out a planter to give to us for our commitment ceremony!) AND, one of the nurses from the Cancer Clinic came up and was a *guest* at our ceremony and took pictures for us (she actually sent them to me).
Nancy was getting worse and had been really, at least physically (hind site again, as we just don't always want to see the truth even when its staring you right in the eyes). She was having a difficult time standing/walking and would often fall. Because she'd gained so much weight from the steroids (up to 210lbs before she passed away) I couldn't pick her up from the ground even w/the help of our daughter who was/is 17 and EXTREMLY STRONG for a girl her size and my dad. We had to resort to calling 911 when she would go to the ground (never by falling hard) and it would take 4 or 5 of the guys from the fire department (in Cincy they send a damned fire truck BEFORE sending a life squad; apparently the EMT's ride in the truck?) to get her back up & on a couch. BUT, her brain was still functioning VERY well even after that last hospitalization; or so I thought at the time. Now, that I look back, tho, it wasn't functioning as well as I was *seeing it* at the time.
On Feb. 4th, '05 when we brought her home w/hospice coming to the house, she was still able to make decisions on what she did & did not want from hospice....most things they provided she was OK with, but she DID NOT want a hospital bed; I think it was partly due to me, but I think she really did not want to sleep in a separate bed from me. By the time she got home (hospice provided an ambulance for transporting her so I wouldn't have to do that and it would make it easier for her instead of having to get into my truck), they had everything here...oxygen, the Hoyer Lift I had requested (to make it possible for me to get her off the ground if she went down--I knew how to use these because I've worked w/physically disabled adults who were para/quadriplegic). Everything we needed was here. The nurse came the very next morning and the rest of their services for us were set up.
Nan was in good spirits and, like I said, still able to make her own decisions. W/me helping her, she mostly *remembered* which pills to take when. She was still walking but getting weaker. So, to make it easier, we brought up the wheel chair. We also brought in the portable toilet (making it easier since it was higher off the ground than the permanent one). But, she was still eating by herself, watching our Soap Opera's (and following the story lines), etc. Hospice had been coming in less than a week and by that following Sunday (after leaving the hospital--just maybe a week earlier), it was apparent I was losing my Nan. (A friend of ours came to see her & she wasn't responding to anyone/thing now.)
We had lots of visitors. Like I said, one of my/our best friends came to visit Nan (me) on Sunday. Monday was valentines day and a friend of hers (from her college days; a sorority sister) came by. I remember this date as her friend brought flowers & I bought flowers & had them delivered to our house. It was also the date that she agreed to let Hospice bring in a hospital bed (it was delivered and set up on the same day). On Tuesday, one of her brothers came down to see her and actually stayed at the house to help my mom (in case she had to be moved for any reason) while I went to Wal-Mart to buy a comforter for the hospital bed (I bought a matching one--one that matched the one on our bed). Incidentally, we had the hospital bed set up right next to our bed so I could put the bars down at night & cuddle w/her).
Tues. night, I became VERY WORRIED because Nancy's breathing was very labored & uneven, plus she had a fever & I could not get her medicine down her at all. I called the hospice nurse in the middle of the night. The on call Nurse came out. By the time he got here, her breathing had improved somewhat. BUT, still I wasn't able to get her pills down her (and the morphine drops would not really have had effect on a fever). Finally, he (nurse) was able to get her pills down. He left.
Wednesday was a busy day & one that I will regret for the rest of my life. We knew we needed to finish getting things in order (funeral) and that death was getting close. So her sister, our daughter, & I met in Wilmington, OH (her home town, and where we had lived in our house for 10 of our 12 years together) at the funeral home. Nan & I had already purchased (well, I was making payments on them) our plot. We used to joke that it was *condo* because we will be in the same grave; one (Nan) on the bottom & one (me) on top. It wasn't paid off (my part still isn't) but we knew where our final resting place would be AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, that we'd be together in the end. Anyway, I spent that afternoon in Wilmington, OH at the funeral home AND catching up w/a few neighbors to let them know we were close to the end. Knowing what I know now, I would have come straight home instead of *visiting* w/old neighbors. We did get the funeral planned; everything, the casket picked out, paid for, AND I had taken the cloths w/me that she would be buried in when the time came.
Thursday morning (February 17th) at 2:30a, I woke up to go to the restroom. When I returned to our room/bed, Nance's eyes were opened for the FIRST TIME in over 24 hours!!!! I was glad, but tired too. I told her, (and yes, I remember the EXACT WORDS I said to her) "Nan, we have a big day tomorrow, so we need to go back to sleep. I love you, baby" I kissed her on her lips. She said, "I LOVE YOU TOO." These would be the very last words SHE SPOKE TO ME.
I woke up about 7:30a feeling very nauseous; I suffer from Migraines & had one that morning. So, I got up, took my pain meds & the pills (Phenergan) to stop from feeling nauseus and came and laid down on the livingroom couch. I woke up to the noon edition of the news on TV.
I walked back to our bedroom to check on my Nance before heading to the bathroom. I stood there for just a second and realized there was something different about her. SHE WAS GONE!!!!!!!!!! I called my mom and she came in and confirmed what I thought. (She said she'd just been in there a minute earlier & Nancy was still breathing---her breathing was very labored that morning when I had gotten up, so it was easy to hear/see her breathing). I looked at the clock....it was 12:45p, just 15 minutes away from the start of *OUR* Soap. I called the hospice nurse and they came out w/in a half hour & pronounced her.
I told Nan I loved her & kissed her on her lips. Our daughter, Kaycee is her name, & I just hugged one another. Her family came down (they're all an hour plus) away. Somewhere between 5 & 6p, we let the funeral home come in and take her body (they were wonderful....1st they had traveled an hour to get here, then they waited until WE were READY before taking her, AND, they did NOT, upon my request, cover <zip the body bag all the way up> her head/face until they got all the way out to the hearse AND asked me if it was OK).
This was a very hard 10 months for us (Kaycee, Nancy, & I). WE (Nan & I) had plans....BIG PLANS. She wanted so much to watch our grandchildren (ummmmm, when that time came, LOL....Kaycee was only 17 when she passed away, so no-one was pushing it) grow up. We wonted to finally have that commitment ceremony to include our friends and family (well, those that would come anyway...everybody on her side, and everybody that meant anything to me, except my mom who we knew wouldn't accept this, on my side). After our March 19th, 2005 commitment ceremony, we were going to take a *FAMILY-MOON* to Hawaii---we'd kind of come into just a little extra cash and were going to be able to do it. We were slowly (before Nan got sick again) getting back on our feet & were going to be able to move back out of my parents house. WE WERE GOING TO BUY MATCHING ROCKING CHAIRS & WE WERE GOING TO GROW OLD TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!
We'd raised Kaycee together since she was 6 years old (Kayc is my biological child from a previous, albeit not married, relationship). Still, Nance was more of a parent to Kayc than her bio-father would EVER be). Kayc is a great kid & we knew how lucky we were. We looked forward to the day where she found her love, got married and had child(ren) of her own. It just wasn't meant to be.
Nancy is HOME now. Someday, I'll be HOME w/her & we'll be together again. Till then, I'll always LOVE MY NANCY.
Tracy
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