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Reviews and Comments on the Photographs Taken While Rolling Down the Hill
Just a Thought:
Too much reverence can cause one to lose his sense of humor. Too much irreverence can cause one to lose his job. Having been both unemployed and humorless, I am not sure which was the greater loss.
Reviews and Comments on the Photographs Taken While Rolling Down the Hill.
I hesitate to post the photographs from my tumble down the hill. They were introduced to the public about a year after they were taken. At that time, they were not well received. I may describe the circumstances of the public show in a later entry. For now, suffice it to say that I was confused with a local artist, Doctor Artemis Xavier Quicksand, DDS. Doctor Quicksand is a dentist and neo-impressionist who paints the various moods of undernourished house plants. In short, my photographs were unintentionally displayed in place of his paintings.
The day of the opening, I had not been told about the mix-up. I arrived early for the show, bringing home-made snacks and beverages to share with the guests. I was surprised to see how many people were present. Many local art critics were in attendance, as well as a variety of other art lovers. I walked around the gallery, taking notes of what people were saying. I also read the reviews in the Sunday papers. Below is a sampling of what was said and written.
Written by the critics:
"Shameless, unmitigated balderdash."
"This show should be canceled due to lack of talent."
"A belligerent affront to serious photographers the world over."
"If photographers required licenses, Quicksoap's would be revoked in perpetuity."
"I was tempted to blacken his right eye."
"The show aroused in this critic both fear and dread. Fear that this photographer might have another show, and dread of my being required to attend it."
"How could Quicksoap possibly name a photo of only sky and clouds, 'Careening'? "
"If these photographs are any reflection on the Quicksoap's maturity, he should be given crayons and paper, and restrained from playing with matches."
"The subtext of this work is tragedy. It is indeed tragic that these photographs survived the journey down the hill."
"There is much suffering in these photographs. Unfortunately, the guests at the show did most of the suffering."
"Quicksoap appears to have mastered nothing more than the skill of autofocus."
"Sickening. Pompous. Selfish. Pretentious. I don't mean the photographs, but the photographer. This critic can not begin to describe the disgust and aversion he experienced at this show upon meeting Quicksoap, whose only redeeming quality was a pre-existent black eye. "
"I would say this 'work' was pedestrian, but the photographer appears unable to remain on his feet."
"Should Quicksoap have intended to parody this critic's well-known accident at the Grand Canyon, such fact was not lost upon this critic. This critic will accept a public apology from the photographer, or sue Quicksoap within thirty days of this notice."
"Clearly the photographer is a masochist and an idiot."
"It is this critic's sincere hope that Quicksoap pursue photography as a career. As a photographer, he would be certain to starve to death."
"The photographer's attempts to variously pass these images off as 'Gonzo Photojournalism,' 'Kinetic Self Portraits,' and 'Meditations on Gravity' are absurd and an insult to the viewer's intelligence. This photographer is obviously an inept, self-centered misanthrope."
"I liked the titles best. The best part was the titles. I like how he named the pictures." [paid endorsement]
"Yet another imperialist 'artist' exploiting human suffering for his own profit. Indefensible, even if it was the photographer himself who suffered."
"Call me old-fashioned, but for a photographer to bare his own ankle for the sake of such pitiable images is nothing more than shameless exploitation. Not surprising for a grown man who wears pink socks with cartoon characters on them."
"Apparently, Quicksoap tracks his undergarments by the days of the week. Did we really need to know that the photographer's underpants had inscribed on them, "Wednesday"? Shockingly, the photographer admits he shot these frames on a Saturday."
"Compared with a mountain goat, Quicksoap is less sure-footed, and less of a photographer."
"Guests at the show were tilting their heads at all different angles, trying to make some sense of the jumble. For them, this proved to be a wasted effort. "
"I was moved to tears. What a terrible waste of a perfectly good tripod."
Heard from the Guests:
Near the snack table: "These hors d'oeuvres are terrible! And besides, what kind of philistine serves canned beer at an art show?"
From a far corner of the gallery: "The guy in the conquistador helmet -- is he the photographer?"
A man arguing with his wife: "You made me come to this show, so here I am! If you call me uncultured again I am leaving without you!"
Near the snack table: "Who spilled beer on the hors d'oeuvres?"
A docent of the gallery: "These pictures might look good on velvet."
Someone on his cell phone: "Jack I'm telling you! If you could sell that strawberry-scented gasoline, you can sell this junk!"
From the center of the room, a lifelong Democrat: "If the NEA paid for this, I'm voting Republican."
Someone who appreciated the beer: "What is this guy, nuts?"
Near the exit: "That nun crying in the corner ... is that Sister Wendy?"
An agitated big sister, from the center of the room: "Where is Tommy? That little brat! Who gave him that beer? Was it that freak with the helmet?"
Heard at the exit: "Thank God that's over!"
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You are bent. But in a good way. Mrs. L
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Don
This is hillarious. Too bad it was a serious showing. I think these reviews may have been the reason this show never opened in my town. Oh, where'd you get the helmet?
Sam
8/28/05 5:56 AM
ROFLMAO! Oh my I weep for you! I know how art shows can be...but everyone is a critic, so hang in there. I believe in your talent, just make the beer imported next time! :)
Always, Carly :)