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An Angry Exchange
As you may recall from my previous entry, "Reviews and Comments on the Photographs Taken While Rolling Down the Hill," one of the critics threatened to sue me, because he believed I was making fun of a much-publicized fall he had taken down into the Grand Canyon:
"Should Quicksoap have intended to parody this critic's well-known accident at the Grand Canyon, such fact was not lost upon this critic. This critic will accept a public apology from the photographer, or sue Quicksoap within thirty days of this notice."
I never intended to make fun of his upsetting experience, and I sent him a letter of apology and explanation. He took offense to something in the email, and a rather heated exchange of emails resulted. I have decided to post portions of this exchange for the public to see. The critic was none other than Ashton K. Wrathbone, the most hateful and destructive critic known to the Western World.
The exchange went as follows:
Dear Mister Wrathbone,
I apologize for any upset my photographic exhibition might have caused you. My fall down the hill was quite real, and not intended to parody your Grand Canyon experience in the least. My opportunity to show the resulting photographs publicly was due to good luck, and not any malice towards you. In fact, I had not heard of your fall down into the Grand Canyon, until you published your comment about my show. Again, I meant no offense, and I hope you accept my apology, and my warmest regards.
Sincerely,
Donald Quicksoap
Dear Mister Quicksoap,
You have veiled yet another insult in your note of "apology." You never heard of my fall down the Grand Canyin? Indeed! As ignorant as you obviously are, you can't possibly have gone without knowing about the great Wrathbone Fall. The public was held breathless for weeks, praying for my safe recovery! No, you could not possibly be so ignorant, so uninformed, so hollow-skulled as to be unaware of my spectacular plight! You have now insulted me twice, and you shall live to regret it!
Most Assuredly Yours,
Ashton K. Wrathbone
Dear Mister Wrathbone,
Once again, I meant no insult in my past letter to you. There was a period of time when I did not pay attention to the news media, as I had come to distrust them. I was unaware of your fall, as I was unaware of a great many events during that time. Once again, my statement was nothing personal against you.
I am hurt that you have decided to insult me, without considering that there might be some misunderstanding. I now see where you get your reputation for unpleasantness. I respectfully suggest you take steps to moderate you approach to people, and show more kindness.
By the way, you spelled "Grand Canyon" as "Grand Canyin". Sometimes in spelling, it is not enough to sound out the words.
Sincerely,
Don Quicksoap
Mister Quicksoap,
You impudent little snit! I am twice your age, and have ten times your education! My resume fills ten pages -- where are your accomplishments? I doubt you have the capacity to even type my resume, let alone match it with yours. "Grand Canyin" indeed! How you never heard of a typographical error? You will notice on your keyboard that the "i" is next to the 'o'. Even the greatest of intellects can make such a mistake, you insignificant blathering fool!
As for moderating my approach to people, I will do so when this world is no longer filled with such idiocy as you so shamelessly demonstrate. It is people like you who must be whipped into shape, snapped out of your sloth, and shoved into some semblance of civilization.
You have now delivered three insults to me, as of your presumption to educate me in spelling. Your name shall be prominently mentioned in my next column, and your every insult shall be avenged before the public!
Yours,
Ashton K. Wrathbone
Mister Wrathbone,
This letter is my third and final attempt to make peace with you. I have never meant to insult you, but hoped you would be amused by my "Grand Canyin" comment. I believed someone as enlightened as yourself could find some humor in the situation. For a third time, I apologize for any offense I might have caused.
I have sent you a gift, as a peace offering. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed sending it to you.
Yours Truly,
Don Quicksoap
Quicksoap,
Yes, I have a sense of humor, and yes, I received your "gift." How clever of you to call it a sculpture of me! But the joke is on you, because I happen to love fruitcake! I plan to enjoy it thoroughly over the coming week.
Yours,
Ashton K. Wrathbone
Dear Ashie,
I hope you enjoyed the fruitcake. I heard through the grapevine that you had several days of frequent visits to the bathroom. I hope you are well. I also hope we can call a truce in this feud of ours.
Yours truly,
Don
Dear Idiot,
Of course I knew that prunes are not a major ingredient in fruitcake. Did you think you could fool me? I just thought the cake was delicious, that is all! Even I can overindulge at times. Did you believe for a moment that you could harm me? I am no stranger to adversity, as my great Fall has demonstrated! Your fall was child's play, compared to mine! It was only a series of shrubs and precipices that saved me in my plunge down that shear cliff. And you! You come to rest on some trail? You pitiful little insect!
And who are you to call me Ashie? You presumptuous infant! I have more to add to my column on you, so it won't be published this week. But you can rest assured, I shall be avenged!
Yours,
Ashton K. Wrathbone
I decided not to reply to this message from Wrathbone. He seems determined to smear the Quicksoap name at all costs. Generations of Quicksoaps have maintained a reputation for tenacity, fairness, and smartness of dress. I can only hope that the public sees Mister Ashton K. Wrathbone's attack for what it is, a personal vendetta in reaction to an honest mistake.
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Dear Quicksoap,
By Jove, Yee Gods Ye are in ruinous trouble!!!(me thinks)...
perchance , doth thou think that perchance the suthor of your ills a Shakerperian be?
(mufflied roars of discontent)... Ye Gods Man!
By my heart truthfully submitted,
Ye Lassy Natalie -
ROFLMAO!
God Donald...what oh what are we to do with you? Surely Mr. Wrathbone wanted accept a genuine apology. Evidence of which is in the signing of the email, "Most Assuredly Yours." Ahh come on...give it another try. You two crazy kids can work it out! LOL.
Excellent as always!
Always, Carly :) PS Yes, I will bear witness to your nifty forms of dress! ;) -
You know where you went wrong, don't you? It was a mistake to apologize to such a person by email. Only a letter on the very best stationery, signed in blood and delivered by personal courier, could have deflected this attack.
Regards,
Mrs. G. Wrathbone -
This is just so sad. But then I cry when nobody replaces the toilet paper. Mrs. L
10/1/05 7:13 AM
Fear not, Ashton K. will be the source of his own undoing. That he was fool enough to eat the fruitcake bears witness to this. I predict that his column about you, if ever published, will catapult you into the spotlight and you will be so famous the crowds will be screaming for access to your next showing of the pictures of the "Great Fall." Sir Wrathbone will be driven mad to think an insect such as yourself would be able to gain greater fame and attention with such a lesser fall. Good luck with how you handle your new found fame. It will be interesting to hear how this all plays out in the end. Oh, one word of caution. After your rise in popularity please alert the local authorities to place Ashton K. on a suicide watch.
Sam