My Tumultuos Adventure

I know that one day it will be alright.  That I'll be better.  But damn it, I don't want to be alright without her.  I don't want to be better without her. 

It'll happen after I haven't thought about her in for a while.  I'll realize I haven't thought about her.  That I've been okay.  And I'll probably cry one last time.  But I'll know I'm going to be okay after that. 

I just can't imagine not thinking about her.  I've got a year and eight months of memories of us together running through my head. 

I see blue eyes, I think of her.  I smell the perfume she wore, and I think of her.  I lay in my bed, and I remember her sleeping next to me.  I cook, and I remember us cooking together and how much she loved it. 

I want her, and I need her.  I just wish things could have been different.  I wish being with me had made her as happy as being with her made me. 

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First, a conversation:

Cheryl Moore: i know what you mean, I hope that doesnt keep you from spending time w/ me
Robert Sandhurst: I don't want it too, but I've been here before and I know it won't get easier any time soon
Robert Sandhurst: I guess I just need you to understand this is very difficult for me.  There is a lot of undirected anger there on my part, and I don't know what to do with it.  My emotions are all tangled up and I can't think straight.  I'm going to have my ups and downs.  And I'm never going to find it easy to walk away from you. 
Cheryl Moore: dont take it the wrong way. but part of me wants to give you a reason to walk away. i do love you and it brings me down knowing what i do to you. i know its a fucking roller coaster. its not fair.
Robert Sandhurst: I still don't really understand what you want from me Cheryl.  And when I do, I'm not sure I'll be able to give it too you. 
Cheryl Moore: i want your love, support, acceptance, understanding
Robert Sandhurst: You'll always have my love.  I'll give you my support as long as my strength holds out.  Acceptance may come with time...I can't promise anything.  I don't think I'll ever understand.
Cheryl Moore: i want to hug  you again
Robert Sandhurst: Thanks.  I wish you could. 
Cheryl Moore: i think im going to bed
Cheryl Moore: again, im glad you spent some time w/ me. good seeing you.
Robert Sandhurst: Yeah, it was good seeing you too.  Good night.

"Robert Sandhurst" is an alias I use to sign up for free email and what not online so I don't have to use my real last name.  Anyway. 

They say time heals all wounds.  I disagree, though in this case I think it will.  But nothing makes the scars go away.  And the more scars there are, the harder it is to feel.  That's my opinion. 

I don't understand why it is that the thing I want most, cherish most, would trade anything else for, seems to also be the thing that slips through my fingers every time I find it. 

I wonder if I've committed some great sin for which I am being punished.  I don't believe that to be the case.  But still, it would be easier to believe that.  At least that would be a reason.  Something.  It's much harder to accept that some things just don't work out, for no reason that can easily be defined.  Oh, sure, with enough study of the situation the reasons could be dredged up, but that wouldn't make it any easier.  The reasons would probably do nothing more than make you realize that the person you thought you knew only existed in your head, and was never really there in reality. 

I'm angry.  I'm bitter.  I'm sad.  I want to break things.  I want to hurt someone.  I want to cry and I want to yell. 

I find myself in serious need of comfort, with no one around to do the comforting.  I'm full of rage with no way to expel it.  I'm full of need, yearning, and wanting of some one, of some life affirming action that will let me know there is still pleasure in the world and the hope of happiness in the future.  I can't see it right now.  I'm blinded by my bitterness in a world painted black.

"Wash away my troubles,

wash away my pain,

with the rain of Shambala."

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I miss her so much.  I would give almost anything in this moment to have her in my arms, yet I can recognize that that wouldn't be right, because she would still be holding back.  No matter how close I got, it would never be close enough.  But, damn, I still miss her so much.  I miss her smell, her smile, her laugh.

I can remember coming home and smelling her perfume all through our apartment from her getting ready for work in the morning.  I can remember when we used to sleep in the same bed snuggled up together.

How do I cope with that being gone?  I don't know.  I just know it hurts a lot right now.  And all I want is her.  Her her her her her.  I made a total commitment to her.  Total.  How does one walk away from that sort of thing?  I don't know either.  I just want someone to hold me and put me to sleep.  to be there when the nightmares wake me up. 

I've had them every time I've slept.  I woke up in the wrong room the other day.  I had dreamed we still lived together.  In another she had found someone else, and was so happy and oblivious to my pain I couldn't speak.  More will come. 

Oh, hell.

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It seems the only time I update this blog is when I'm not doing too good.  So my relationship with Cheryl is over, and I think this time for good.  I've tried and tried but it's just not good enough.  I wanted things to work out between us, but nothing ever changes.  She's unhappy and refuses to do anything about it.  She just runs away from her problems.  I can't be with someone like that anymore.

We recently moved into seperate places, and things were good for about a week and half, and then they started down hill again.  Last night we ended up in a fight.  It came down to her saying she wanted us to spend time apart so she could get her life together, figure out what she wants, and what will make her happy.  If she has to figure it out, it's obviously not me.

I told her she should do that, but I wasn't waiting.  I couldn't wait for her anymore.  I told her to look me up if she ever gets her life straight.  I don't think that will happen.  I also told her to not dare ever blame me for us not working out.  I put way too much effort into making things work to take the blame.  I understand she has a lot of problems to work out and deal with, but I'm not going to suffer because of it any more.  I'm tired of giving 90 and only getting 10 back.

I don't know what exactly will happen now.  I'm going to probably have to deal with a lot of sadness and depression.  I just hope I'm better equipped this time.  Hopefully I can move on from this pain a little sooner, but maybe not.  It hasn't hit me to bad yet, but it will.  I'm not looking forward to that.

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Sometimes I wish I could just not care about anything.  Then I could do what I want without the slightest worry because there would be no regrets to keep me from my sleep.  Day, after day, after day, I go through life facing the temptation of things I know could destroy everything I've got, everything I've built.  And I pass them by.  Sometimes I do it alone, and sometimes I do it with help (thank you to those who'eve helped).  But I do it.  I do it in every aspect of my life, be it romantic, financial (still working on this one, I admit), eduction, or work. 

So often I'm faced with situtations where it would be easier to not care.  But I do care.  I always have and I always will.  And you know what?  Even with all the pain it causes me I still hold that it is a good thing to care.  I've seen people who don't care and the destruction they bring down upon themselves and everyone who is close to them. 

I've learned some very hard lessons.  I've learned that sometimes you have to take risks to live life.  And you have to learn to live with those risks.  I took a risk when I decided to be with Cheryl.  I've risked by staying with her when time after time after time I knew it would be so much easier to just pack up and walk away, never speak to or see her again.  But that isn't what I want in the end, and to get what I want I've got to take risk. 

I've got to risk that she is just as human as me and may do something fucked up, inconsiderate, and just plain hurtful.  I've got to risk that I may do the same and suffer the consequences of seeing someone I love in pain and knowing I'm the cause.  I risk these things, and I've done so gladly.  The rewards are worth it, and always have been. 

I'm at a shatterpoint.  I can go one of two ways, but once I do there is no going back.  And I've made my decision.  There was really never any decision to make, from my point of view.  I'm here.  And here I'll remain.  I love her.  While it would be easier to just find a place to go and turn off those emotions for her by transforming them all into anger and hate, I won't do it.  Taking the easy path almost never leads to the big gain in life.  I'm not doing it.

But hey, I've said all this before here or elsewhere.  Now I've got to face the biggest risk.  Even after all that, I've still got to worry about the biggest risk of them all.  It's the one I have no control over.  It's that human factor.  That other human factor.  After all is said and done....

Is she willing to risk as much as me?

Maybe it's just like Worm said.  "In the poker game of life, women are the fucking rake." 

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I picked up a picture today while cleaning up around the apartment Cheryl and I share.  It was a picture of her niece in a University of Auburn cheerleader outfit.  I started crying.  I couldn't help but think that after everything I've been through with Cheryl, all the ups and downs, all the good and the bad over the past year we might not make it.  I'm pretty much to blame this time.  I was having an 'inappropriate" conversation with an online friend that I never intended for Cheryl to see.  She did, and while to me the things that we're said were meaningless to her they were most definitely not. 

I've put up with a lot to be with her so I guess I kind of expect a little bit of the same from her.  I would never cheat on her and never have.  I never took advantage of the fact that for many months we were in an open relationship.  Hell, I do my damnedest not to even flirt anymore, but I still do.  And like the conversation last night, it sometimes treads into some rather vulgar and, while to me completely silly, explicit territory.  I've never exchanged more than words with another person, and none of those have ever had any real meaning.  They range from jokes to comments meant to offend. 

I tried to explain all this to Cheryl, was in fact up until four in the morning trying to do just that.  I now don't think she believed a word I said, no matter how true. 

She came into the living room last night and asked me to come to bed with her.  I said I would.  As soon as I stood up she hugged me and held onto me a long time and I held her back, not wanting to let go because I'm always afraid it will be the last time I get to hold on to her.  When I got in bed she pulled me close and we slept cuddled together all night. 

I woke up around 3 PM and Cheryl was gone to work.  I assumed she had also been home for lunch already by the way things looked around the house.  I didn't have anything to do, and I just wanted a little escape, so I started playing a computer game.  I was playing when she came home for lunch, fast food bag and drink in hand.  She didn't say a word to me, just walked into her bedroom.  She ate her lunch in there, while I sat on the couch watching tv.  I couldn't bring myself to go to her, and she left without either of us saying a word. 

That's when I started doing some chores around the apartment, and I found that picture, and I started to cry.  That cute little picture of a little girl who I have come to care about a great deal even though I'm not even slightly related to her.  One of the first words she learned to speak was my name, and if me and Cheryl break up I'll probabably never see her again.  That's just one of those things I don't want to lose.  There are a million more, and I don't want to lose them, not one. 

I don't want to be alone in the dark again.

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It's time again for me to put on the that dull and dented armor and take a few more beatings.  The one thing I am good at is being strong for others.  I can be there for you when you need me and I'll stand there and hold you up when all you want to do is fall down.

Now I find myself in an odd situation.  How can you be there for someone who is afraid of ever really depending on anyway?  How can you earn the real trust of someone who is just waiting for the next heart break, who can't let themself believe that the chance is still worth taking?

All I can do is be there, and in being there hope that it is enough.  I'll  be the best I can, which is admittedly imperfect.  I can't be other than what I am.  I can't do things by half measures. 

I'll do what I have to in order to prove that I am not the past.  I am not like everyone else, similarities though there may sometimes be.  I am me, and no one else.  I play by my rules, and no others.  I don't break my promises, even the ones I'm released from keeping.

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I'm doing better, if not great.  I worked some things out with Cheryl, and we're back together with a newly defined relationship.  I don't know how this is going to work, but we'll see.  Most of our problems stemmed from some misunderstandings that we've taken care of, so we'll see.  That past week or so things have been okay, but time will tell.  Maybe I've made a mistake here in breaking one of my rules.  Six months isn't much time in the long run, but it took me a year and half to get to that six months.  Anyway, like I said, we'll see. 

Anyway, next month we are getting a cabin in Gatlinburg, TN for a weekend.  We'll be staying there Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights.  I've got an extra pay check next month, along with a quarterly bonus coming so it shouldn't hurt me in the finaces department.

By next Thursday I will be finished with the current semester at school.  I'll have the whole summer off.  I've got a lot of things to do, starting with deciding whether I'll renew my lease in August or move on.  That will depend on a lot of things, including what the contractors say about my/my grandfather's house.  I'm also going to apply at a couple of places and see if I can get out of WalMart.  That place is going to kill me.

I feel like I'm kind of in a transition place in life again, but I don't know where it's going.  I'm trying to stay positive and just go with the flow for a while, putting on the breaks when I need too.   

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I don't know how to stop this hurt, and I don't know how to live with it.  This shit just not funny anyway more.  I did this once, I don't know how I'm going to do it again.  It like rolling that rock up that mountain and having the damn thing roll back down again every time you are near the top.

Work was horrible last night.  I kept feeling like I was going to be sick, but nothing ever happened.  At one point my boss wanted to send me home because of the way I was looking (and we were already a few people short, so you can imagine). 

I felt bad being around all those people who expected me to be in a good mood because I was fresh from a vacation, but there was no way I could be.  I couldn't get 'okay' there.  I just kept feeling worse and worse.

I came home and pretty much went straight to bed.  I woke up around one o'clock this afternoon and made myself go back to bed until five.  I knew if I didn't I would be up for the rest of the day and then all night tonight again. 

It's just bad all around when you feel like this.  All those things that used to make you happy just bring you down even more.  The memories will kill you.  The self-doubt is just as bad.  I can't help but ask, "What did I do wrong?  What did I do to deserve this?"  I feel like a complete failure, and I'm embarrassed that I didn't see this coming.  Oh, I had my doubts sometimes, but I never really gave in to them. 

In the long run the self-doubt is what will get me the worst.  As much as I try to avoid it I'm going to keep second guessing myself, and asking what I did to fuck up so bad.  It took so long to stop doing it last time, and it made me feel terrible.  But it's hard to come to except that there's nothing you can or could have done, even if you already know it.

I'm feeling a little bit better right now.  I guess writing helps.  It always did.  It's good to get this shit out and this is the only place I've got.  That's one of the worst parts of it too.  The one person I could talk to about my problems isn't there anymore. 

I've just got to shake this feeling of hopelessness.  Yesterday I did that okay until I left school.  A friend in class came and sat next to me and we talked and flirted.  It was nice.  She even bought me dinner at the campus cafeteria.  We talked for a couple of hours and the subject of my problem almost never came up, which  was good.  Unfortunately, as soon as I was in the car on my way home, guess where my thoughts went? 

Every time I have free moment to think, here it comes.  And that's all I've got at work.  I used to be able to listen to my iPod and distract myself with some music, but I can't even do that now thanks to WalMart's new policies.  If I can stay distracted I'm okay.  But the minute I'm not focused on something, I'm screwed. 

Reading has helped the most, I guess.  It's still there when I read, but only in the back of my mind.  It's better than dwelling on it.  I just don't want to slip into that void where most of my existence is in my imagination.  That's just escapism, but maybe I need an escape.

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I don't know what else to say about it, this just sucks.  I talked to her yesterday, and a little today.  The only conclusion I can come to is that she's fucking crazy.  I don't know what her deal is, but it's hurting me.  Oh, well.  If she doesn't want to be with me, she won't be now.  It's over, and I don't go back on things like that.  I don't need the drama in my life. 

It still fucking hurts though.  Bad, too.  It hurts and it pisses me off that she wanted to take our relationship to the level we had, and then she didn't want that.  First I wasn't paying her enough attention.  I wasn't showing her how deeply I cared.  Then when I did, it was too much. 

I think I'm starting to agree with her last two boyfriends.  I don't think anyone is going to be able to make her happy. 

Oh, she's taking all the blame on herself too.  She's says she's just fucked up and needs to be alone, but that it's too hard.  Whatever. 

Personally, I think she just doesn't want to be with me anymore.  I don't think it's anything more than that, plain and simple.  I don't she feels like she needs to be alone, or that she can't be happy.  I think she just doesn't see herself happy with me.  Wasn't happy with me, even while saying things like, "You're too good for me."

I've heard that before.  Maybe she even means it.  But I doubt it.  And a part of me hates her for it because there is nothing I can do now.  Not a damned thing. 

Six months of effort.  Six months of getting over my past.  Six months of doing all the things you have to do make it work.  Six months down the fucking drain. 

But what's six months, right?  In ten years, what will six months matter?  I don't really know.  I hope nothing.  But I know that's not true.  I'll always remember it, and it'll always hurt.  I just need some distance now, and that means waiting for time to pass.  Time. 

It's like a kick in the gut.  It just takes the breath away, and I want to curl up into a ball and just suffer.  I've been here before.  I never wanted to be here again.  I tried keeping my distance to avoid it.  And she was suffering because of that.  She told me so, and I could see it.  So I allowed my self to really open up. 

Look what it got me.  No wonder some many people hate love.

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