Once Upon A Dream

11:28:27 PM CDT
Feeling Quiet

Everytime I go through that thing, none of the moods ever seem to really fit how I am truly feeling. This will probably be a longer entry of mine becasue it's been awhile since I've written and I've got a lot to say. I am going to start with my father. Anyone who read my last entry knows that Saturday was my father's birthday. So, on friday evening I was at work and someone was singing a song that my dad loved....Only the Good Die Young...it hit a big mark with me because my dad use to tell me that I shouldn't worry about him dying because only the good die young and he sure as hell isn't good. So..on my break I called my grandma in Kansas City and asked where my grandfather was buried. Right before my father died, he asked me to bury him with him father...or my sister. Neither one of them were posibble so, I had him creamated and buried part of him with my little sister in Denver, Colorado. I never finished what I intended to do though. I walked away from the problem and decided that I no longer wanted to deal with anything that had to do with my father....I havent' even applied for his death certificate because that meant that I would actually have to admit that he had died. So after work Heather and I drove the 4 hours to Kansas City...sat in traffic because of construction and by the time we got to the cemetary in Kansas City...it was closed and I had to jump the fence. I couldn't find my grandfathers grave because it was dark....so I found the block that he was in and went to the nearest tree and buried my father there and then sang happy birthday to him. Then we went to my step-grandmother's housel.....who I dont even like so I could give her some pictures that my mom wanted her to have. She started off by telling me how awful my father was as a child...and how he never did anything good with his life. After I told her that he was a wonderful father to me the last two years he was alive...and she is like...I never saw him be a father to anyone...so I told her that she never learned how to open her eyes. Then....she did something that I will never forget for as long as I live. She gave me a book....that had pictures, report cards, love letters, probation letters, you name it...in it from kindergarten to senior year when he left kansas city forever. I realized something in that book.....it says his goals in life as he grew up and I saw that the year that his mother died....he shut down...and I realized that Iam the same way. When I get upset about something...I shut down. I don't want to be like my dad and end up going know where because I couldn't let go of the demons in my past. By going to Kansas City and dealing with this..>I think I may finally be able to forgive him and myself and God for all that happened. I love my father and that will never change....but .... I need to let go. I am going to apply for his death certificate and then I am going to put it up and know that it is there....One day I will be proud of myself for letting go, but today...I need to wallow and say good bye to my daddy.

 

Amanda

Ps. that was going to be longer....but I will save the whole Jason fiasco for another day.

 

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3:54:20 PM CDT today would be my father's 48th birthday....if he was still alive. He's not. Hmmmm....I have a story to tell you guys and I will tell you later. I am on my break at work right now and I guess I just thought I could write something, but I can't. Bye.

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10:17:06 PM CDT
Feeling Flirtatious
Hearing nada....my mom going BLAH BLAH BLAH

Sooooo.... I went shopping today with my mommy and it was a shiteload of fun. We got clothes from this store named DEB. If you have ever seen this store...I garuntee you that you would love it! Not only does it have cute clothes for small people, but also for plus sized teens. They are adorable as can be. They are in my pictures, the outfits that I bought, so just look if you want...and I will get some better pictures for next time. I figured that since I am going off to college, that I should try to look decent and beautiful and maybe get rid of some of these baggy and bummy clothes. Also, my mom and I went out to lunch and out to dinner. It was wonderful to spend a day with my mom. I had a great time. Well, sorry to cut this short, but I am starting the movie Rumor Has It. Thanks.
ohhhh I think that I need a darker bra for these shirts. When the light hits them they are kinda see through...lol
                               AMANDA

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4:43:10 PM CDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing Don't forget to Remember Me by Carrie Underwood

Ok, I intended to talk about this last night, but I wasn't able to because every time I tried to talk about it last night, but every time I tried to write/talk about it I just couldn't.

Ok, so I met this guy like 10 months ago, he is as sweet as pie. Honestly. He is extremely Irish and a bit of a drinker, but he is so kind and nice. He has a pretty bad past, was given up for adoption as a baby and then his mom who gave him up killed herself. His father was MIA when all of this happened, so when his father came back he had to go on a paper trail to find him. We will call this guy Irish, because even speaking him name hurts right now.  Anyways, so Irish was found by his father when he was five years old, but continues to live with his adoptive parents, who he hates and they hate him. Not a good place. Irish met his two brothers through his real dad, and got really close to one of them. Jay. Jay and Irish went to Iraq together and because they had to different last names due to the adoption they were in the same unit. That usually doesn't happen. One night, they got bombed. Jay died. Irish tried his hardest to save him, he even once told me that Jay was the one thing in his life that was worth living. Irish felt that he didn't deserve to live and promised to avenge his brother's death. He fought his hardest for his country and even more for his brother and his family. He was shot several times, bomb several times, and even killed many people. Eventually, after 5 months he was injured severely twice and sent home. He never felt like he belonged again.

I met him after he had been home for about 4 months. He was my angel from heaven, no doubt. I fell in love with Irish. He was kind, he was there for me, he was understanding and just absolutely wonderful. I told him that I was falling in love with him and he told me that he had post traumatic stress disorder and that he wasn't stable enough to have a relationship with anyone, and I accepted that.

After about 8 months of knowing Irish I was truly in love. We talked every day and hung out as much as possible, whenever he couldn't sleep I stayed up and talked to him, and vice versa. One night about three weeks ago Irish told me that he was having a bad night because at his work a little boy came in that looked just like a child that he had accidentally killed in Iraq. He told me that soldiers like him don't make those mistakes and that they are trained to not make those mistakes and that he was a horrible monster for doing what he has done. I contradicted every bad thing he said even when he told me that he wanted to go back and avenge his brother's death more and that he felt that a piece of him was still in IRAQ.

Then, pardon my pun, he dropped the bomb on me. He was going back to Iraq through a third party that was willing to send him in as a secret agent. My heart broke in two when I heard that. I told him ok and good luck. He said that it acted like it didn't bother me and that I was being apathetic about it. I told him that I cared, but we had decided that there were no strings attached and that I knew that he didn't owe me anything. He got mad and got off line and didn't talk to me again.

Last night, after not hearing from him for three weeks I called and found out that he had been committed to a mental hospital and that he was on lithium and zoloft. He didn't sound like himself. AT ALL. It makes me sad. I don't really know what happened, but I feel like I made this huge mistake. I didn't care according to him. I felt like I was talking to the skeleton of a man that I use to know. I knew he has pstd and I knew that he was on a thin line. His adoptive parents, who hate him, committed him. I don't know why. I didn't know and I was so mad and furious and hurt that he wasn't talking to me and all of that time he was really hurt and by himself being forced to take all kinds of medication. He is so far gone, that he told me that he had been there for a month and a half. The last time we hung out was like three weeks and two days ago. I know that he wasn't there that long. He truly has no clue and that wonderful spirit that I fell in love with is no longer there. While he was "ignoring me" I started seeing Jason and I wanted to try with him. But, now I feel like I am betraying the Irish that is lost somewhere in that skeleton. I can't even write anymore because I am crying and I am on break and have to go back to work in 20 minutes. This breaks my heart. What kind of friend am I?

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10:56:46 AM CDT
Hearing im quiet, happy, and upset....is that posibble?

I might as well warn everyone that this is going to be a longer entry. I need to do this entry becasue my head is spinning and until I do something to get this off my chest and out of my head then I won't be able to sleep well. First I am going to start off with my day, and then I will talk about my sorrow.

Well, today I finally made it back to sleep, only to wake up late for work. Go figure. I got there 20 minutes late and they didn't say much. I had a good day at work, and then I got off 30 minutes late. Surprise Surprise. I called Jason on the way home and we chatted while I stopped by QT to grab my mommy a soda. Then when I got to my house Heather was already there to meet me so we could go out. So I changed and got my sexy clothes out and we headed out to the bar/restuaunt with good buffalo wings. We ended up next to a table of cute Best Buy guys that I flirted with eventually, after I told them that I worked at Citcuit City. Then we headed out to Manchester Road, but ended up in Florissant. I got way lost to say the least. I called and woke up Jason...to help get me unlost, because he lived right around there. Jason helped me get home and I offically owe him MAJORLY. Then we drove around and ended up at QT AGAIN...what can I say, the guy there is pretty damn hott.  I never ended up finishing this entry because I fell asleep, guess I was tired after all huh? Well, I will write about the Good and Sick friend when I get back home from work tonight. It's 11 am and I am having brunch with my mommies and then I gots to be at work. Asta La Vista....Amanda

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7:57:54 AM CDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing I always use "quiet" when I am "tired" damn...they need better mood options Well, I was TRYING to sleep in as much as I could today, considering the fact that I have to be at work at 12 and I went to bed at 3. Um, I am tired. LOL. Well, my mom decided to wake me up at 7 am "just for a minute" so she could talk to me about some stuff when she goes out of town like next week. I am so abosolutely tired right now to even think about anything and she wanted to wake me up early to tell me stupid shit, and now I can't even go back to bed. I am sitting here and watching Saved by the Bell. LMAO. You know, high school was never close to being like this. I use to watch this and wish for high school all the time, but then I got there and it was so far off from what we watched that it was just a huge waste of my time.

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10:42:04 PM CDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing Watching The Parent Trap....the old one

SO... I want to take a few lines to talk about someone very special to me. She doesn't know that she is special to me and may even be surprised, but we will see. There is a lady whose journal I read every day religiously. Her name is Lisa. Many of you know her and her three children well if you read her journal. Everyday I have read her journal and she truly is an inspiration to us all...she leaves comments in our journals and she is so sweet and kind to everyone.

So I think that I have learned a lot about myself in the last few days. One of my friends in now in love with my ex. I didn't think anything like that would ever bother me, but in fact it did. And it's such a bad thing, because I have barely talked to this ex in the last year or so. I should really be happy for them, but at the same time I guess there was always an unwritten rule about it. I've decided after some thought that I am not mad at anyone, nor do I care. What is the point? At least they have someone....that I can't find that's for sure.

So...today was extremely boring. The excitement of my day was that I LOST THE BACK TO MY CELL PHONE. OMG it is driving me crazy to be touching the battery when I talk. GR. Today is the first day that I haven't talked to Jason in ..... eight days. Well, we survived. LOL. That is kinda funny...once upon a time I would think that it was a horibble thing and I would call him a few times to make sure he wasn't mad at me, or to make sure that he didn't decide that he hates me. So, if I say so myself, I am doing pretty well. TYVM!

My boss, is an asshole. One of five isn't bad I guess. But, today he opened up and was telling me about his girlfriend, soon to be fiancee. It was so sweet...I guess the right girl can really change some men. He was so absolutely happy when he was talking about how much he loved her....even when he was talking about how much of his money she was spending! LMAO.

Well, that was my life today. I woke up at 11 am and got ready to be at work at 12. Then I got off at 10pm an hour late. And now, its 10:30 and I am so ready for bed because I have the 12-10 shift for the next two days, and just thinking about it makes me tired. Well... I am off to bed. Love you all....Amanda.

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12:50:25 AM CDT
Feeling Happy
Hearing watching a lifetime movie

Where to start, where to start. First question...can anyone help me spice up my journal PLEASE. I also want to apologize to you guys for making such depressing entries lately. I am just trying to make some leeway, in the idea of finding myself. NEWAYS, so I went on my date and I had a great time. ANd, I was so happy because he DIDNT make a move on me. Yeah, let's read this again. He DIDNT make a move on me. I had an absolute blast with him just walking around and talking. He asked me on a second date and hopefully all will go well. If not, well....there are other fish in the sea. So...we talked and I had fun. Also, I talked to heather for awhile...she is so sweet to me. She is truly a good best friend to have and I know that when we go to UMSL together we are going to have a blast. Newyas,  I am absolutely tired so I think I am going to cut this short and go to bed in a bit. I suddenly, don't even feel like writing anymore.

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1:34:55 PM CDT
Feeling Anxious
Hearing Suds in the Bucket

So I want to start off this entry by saying.....a special someone made a comment to me and I was very grateful. First off, angela...I knew you wouldn't forget about me *hugs* you definately put a smile on my face. And Lisa, I only hope that one day I can create such a beautiful and story filled blog as yours. I was touched that you took the time to comment, and want you to know that I read every entry that you put out. Thank you very much for your kind words.

You know, Lisa always talks about how her and her daughter are like the Gilmore Girls, and honestly I can see it my mother and I as well. We are very close and I have never known anything like her. I adore her soooo much and I will miss her more and more as I continue to grow up and learn how to survive without my parents, as hard as it seems now, I am sure I will make it successfully.

Jason and I are going out tonight, as soon as he calls me. I was a little bit hung over on Sunday, so out date was cancelled. We are going for a walk in the mall to chat and whatnot, and he is taking me out to dinner at Fudruckers. You know, he is truly different than any other guy I have ever been interested in. I mean, he is such a realist and I am such an Idealst. He is very pratical and black and white, and I know that there are a gagillion million billion shades of gray. He's so deticated to his job and happy with himself and who he is and doesn't care what anyone else thinks. I am trying so hard to become that person...to be happy with myself.

So, I had to work last night, and as a lot of people know, I am married to my job. I love it more than anything in the world and if Social Working ever fell through for me then I would end up as a Manager at Circuit City. I don't make comission, but I love to selll nevertheless. However, I am becoming more and more of a leader and ever looking at an advancement to asst. manager in the soon future.,...and I despise people who don't pull their weight. This chickadee that I work with hardly does anything and always complains about how she doesnt want to be there, and THEN gets mad when her hours go down. PFFFFT. Don't get me started on THAT one!

So, so so so so let me think. One of my good friends is in love with a guy that I use to love. Somehow I can't justify being mad at them for finding peace and happiness in each other when it is so hard to find in the world around us. However, my heart twinges just a little thinking about all that I have lost with certain people. I think about all of the people I have lost that were once closer to me than I could ever imagine, and I also think about all of the people that I am currently losing and wonder if life was invernted for this reason. Is the purpose for us to lose those who imprint their heart, not to death, but to time and place and just plain laziness. It's easier to lose than to fight? Who have I become to believe that? I am hurt by turn of events, but isn't easier to be hurt shut into my own mind and feelings, than to talk and express them and take the chance of no one caring and just being hurt again. Where is that fine line at that all of us are suppose to spot and live by? Where is the magic book with all of the answers to life's unexplainable questions? Where is solace and peacein the things that he do that tear off a tiny little peice of out heart everyday, pieces that we will never gain back and mourn for the rest of out lives? All the well thens, all the fears, all the things that plauge us and scare us, just make us so insanse and so upset....make us not us. Why are they here.  I see so many people taking all of the fears and objections that I have and placing their faith in the Lord, having that constant emotin and feeling there. And, I was never raised to be able to trust that and to have that constant emotion of protection, so I wonder....where do I go with mine. I don't have the friends to confinde in because I am always the confindee.

Ok, I am depressing myself and I now chose to talk about other things. However, I don't seem to have others things to talk about, and I need to start getting ready for my date. I will post afterwards and let you guys know how the nerves in my tummy turn out.

 

Forever, Amanda

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1:10:29 PM CDT
Feeling Sad
Hearing nothing

Ok,  so as you all have noticed already, I am going with the old school way of adding pictures. Like it? Lol. I forgot how to add them through FTP. I guess I will need the directions from Lisa again. When I go so long without writing I never know where to start back again. I guess I am not so good at this bloggin thing. I picked up an old school journal and started writing again, and it lasted for all of three or four days. I need to do it because I truly believe that it clenses the soul, but I don't have the time or the patience to do it, I don't think.

Somtimes society makes me so mad, even mad at myself. We always get the impression that to be a perfect and happy person in this county we have to have a b/f or husband, have a great job, great parents, be good in school, da da da da da. I don't know I guess I am mad at myself, because I am starting to play into society's hand and that disappoints me.

So, the only way that I know how to catch up is to put everything into categoerys and talk. BOYS, BOYS, BOYS. Ok. So. I really liked Adam, honestly. But, he just wasn't ready for a relationship and I pushed and pushed because he has so much wonderful potential in him. He really does. He leaves for Iraq today, maybe even right now. He didn't say goodbye. I made him mad because I acted like I didn't care, and although I believe that he is being childish about it, I am even more mad at myself. Why do I  look for the easy ways out, then turn around and be hypocritial and tell people that the easy way out may be easy, but it will never make you happy. Jason and I met about two weeks ago. And we were suppose togo out on a date last night, but I was a bit hung over. I cancelled. I could have gone though and I just decided that it would be easier to cancel now and go later than to actually try. I was given a way OUT, so I took it. Funny how that happens huh? I had my first one night stand also...and I am definately not proud of myself. I am actually really mad at myself, because I know that I am better than that and I keep looking back wondering how I became that person. What did I do to make myself that way.

Onto school. The one thing that I am truly excited aboutis college next year. Heather is in the dorm next to me and I am so excited to be living next to her. We are getting along really really really well and I know that we are going to have a lot of fun together. But, my mommy is already getting depressed about it. My dad is a truck driver so he is never home, and with my working full time over the summer...basically the opposite shifts as my mom, we never see each other. She realized that it will be like this all the time when I go off to college. My college is only 40 minutes away...and I am going to be coming home every weekend, but I will be working soooo. It makes me sad to be moving on, when moving on means that I have to leave my mom alone. I guess the real kicker is that it reminds me so much of the time that I left Pete all alone by himself and when I wanted to come back he was dead. I know that that is such a harsh thing to say...but that is how I feel right now.

The next topic is me. I feel like I have lost myself and I don't know where to find me at. I look back and watch the older friends that I have goofing off and whatnot and see that I don't belong anymore, because I won't let myself. I wonder sometimes, does that make me snobby? scared? alone? depressed? a bitch? I don't know anymore. I keep looking back at my old self trying to catch on and pull that person to me. It's like, if I could just have a conversatin with my old self and learn her idead and ambitions and dreams...then maybe I could find me again. Find out where I went wrong in this equation. It's funny because I just had graduation and everyone is so proud of me and everything, but I can't help wondering why. What did I do that was so great to them? I graduated high school, does that make me anything at all? Does that really make me so much better?

Another thing that happened recently, is that my best friend left me. She went off to KY to go to college in SUllivan. And, what really annoys me is that she spent next to no time with me because she spent it all with her boyfriend that she was leaving behind. I guess I should just think that she is lucky to have a guy lover her as much as Andy does, because I don't think I will ever  find one that loves me.

I have went on on my tangent and I think I need to step back for a little bit, So I will be back...hopefully. Leave comments ask questions if you want, but for the most part this was something I had to do for me. If you can help though, please do.  

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