Raven's Lament

"I thought it wasn't wrong,
To hide from you,
Simple truth.
I was scared,
I felt it all along,
But it hurt to much for me, to share" Hoobastank "If Only"

<---Dreary view isn't it? Sigh..I'm tired...For the first time in a few days I can finally breathe (literally). I've come to the conclusion that 43 is an unlucky number. Two weeks in and I'm already looking forward to 44. Lets go back to my Birthday and start over shall we...If only it were that easy..if only..Stumbling blocks are those little details we forget about until they end up tripping us up later in life. This latest is a doozy. I'm honestly not trying to be oblite or misleading, hopefully you can follow along and you'll understand why. I just want to expunge this from my head and try to wrap my mind around recent events. Yesterday I spent 4 hours in the ER. I do believe Sunday nights are reserved for Rednecks night out, I could be wrong. You had to be there to appreciate it.

The ER? Sigh...I've seriously tried like hell to be positive and look on the bright side of things, or rather sidestep the not so nice side of things. Take your pick, it doesn't really matter how you slice it. Lately I've been having problems breathing (ahh, yes I did say literally, so it was a bit of truth). It's been a repeat occurrence for the past few months and No, I didn't think to tell anyone. Paul noticed and commented on it quite a few times. When you can't walk up a single flight of stairs without gasping for breathe, or you have to pause while your talking, eating, walking because your out of breathe....Something is up wouldn't you say? Not to mention feeling utterly exhausted and tired with the simplest task. Yesterday was the worst incident yet. I went out to eat and we grabbed spiedies to eat at a roadside park. I took one bite and felt like I had a sledgehammer hit my chest, I couldn't breathe and was gasping for a single breath. I got out of the truck and thought I was going to get sick, finally I was able to breathe...a welcome relief no matter how labored.

Usually when I have these episodes I feel better afterwards and go about my day. It continued to be somewhat difficult for me to breath and the pressure wouldn't let up on my chest. Finally last night I told Paul, "Let's go - I'm going to the ER. I'm not taking any chances"...(Most of you know it had to be pretty bad with my absolute hatred of hospitals). I was put on oxygen, given an EKG, had blood work done (I'll elaborate on that in a moment), and chest X-rays. We called Skye to tell her to stop and check on Pickles in her crate as we didn't know how long we would be there. Of course she was worried and wanted to stop by the hospital, we told her to wait because at this stage nothing was clear. The phlebotomist when he stopped by to get my blood, was run over by the nurse who decides to draw the blood for him....I wish she hadn't. Anytime you hear oops when someone is drawing your blood you know it can't be good. Apparently she hit a very good vein and I had blood running down my arm and splattering the floor. The nice black bruise I have is testament to that small horror.

I was given medication to help take the pressure off my chest and taken off the oxygen to see how I responded. Here's the kicker...everything came back fine, my blood work, chest x-rays and EKG. Now I should of been happy with those results except I still wasn't breathing easy and the knot in my chest was still there. I was given instructions to go to my dr. in the morning. It's already past 1AM at this point, I'm exhausted and not wanting to have to deal with a drs. office in the morning. It gets better I'm to be scheduled for an Echo. There is slight possibility my heart isn't pumping consistent. Things are not looking bad, I just want to breath. My dr. is a delight, I joke around with him and he actually listens to me, I mean really listens (a rare thing in this day and age). He knows I quit smoking back in Oct. After he checks me over and listens to what happened he ask, "So how many years did you smoke?", a little leery I answer "over 20". My failed logic of thinking was, I was still relatively young and quitting at the point I did saved me from the repercussions of years of smoking...Wrong...It's a strong possibility I'm in the early stages of having Emphysema. Emphysema is when the air sacs in your lungs become corroded and destroyed. You can hit the link to read more about it.

"Time has Been cruel to me lately
Its been playing tricks on me again
It hides every piece of the puzzle
I find them but it's too late by then..."Anthony Callea "If Only"

So tomorrow morning I have to go to the hospital and have an Echo and a breathalyser test for Emphysema. What it means is my life is somewhat slowed down as I get tired easier and have breathing problems. I won't elaborate anymore because the test haven't been done yet. Things are not looking very good at the moment. I was given a inhaler to help me breathe when I have difficulty...Finally for the first time in a few days I could take a normal breath of fresh air. I felt like my lungs were starved. The pressure on my chest is still there, more of an annoyance by now. I was also put on a prescription for my stomach; with the breathing problems and a case of Reflux eating is interesting to say the least. So how is Paul taking this...in stride, he said he was afraid it might be my lungs. He's already a pain in the ass worrying about me over doing things and refuses to let me help him. A dilemma in itself, as I mentioned before there was a lot of work that was suppose to be done on the house this summer. Me? Sigh...I'll be fine. It's one more stumbling block to figure a way around, more than I would want on my plate but life doesn't give you a whole lot of choices, does it? I hate having to slow down and not being able to be as active as I once was...

I'm writing this entry to say goodbye for a little while, I don't know how long...I just really, really need to try to get me together right now. I'm a little of everything at the moment Angry, scared, relieved (It could be much, much worse). I think I fell a little hard over this last stumbling block. Hopefully everyone will be around when I come back, if not it was a pleasure having you in my life. For several of you I do have snail mail addresses, I'll try to keep in touch that way. Anyone else wishes they can drop theirs in an email to me. I promise nothing at this point. Does it sound like I'm running? Perhaps...but I need to find some middle ground. If any of my readers still smoke...it's so NOT worth it. Struggling to breathe is not something you want to live with. Forgive me for not being more forward with you, I had hoped these past few months would work themselves out and it would of been nothing. If it's not the Emphysema (considering my dr. is a smoking specialist and gave me a years prescription for the inhaler, I think he is somewhat sure) they still need to find out why I'm having difficulty breathing, no matter what all those years smoking didn't help my cause. I hate to cut out on everyone this way, at the moment my mind isn't here with my journal....

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"Our first teacher is our own heart." Cheyanne

I've always believed that quote to be an honest reflection of who a person is. How you approach the world and how you treat others, is a lesson in itself of what you were taught and how you look at the world in general. I know I had so many questions without answers raising my daughter. How can you be a parent when your own,  for the most part were a missing equation in your life? I used to think I stumbled more than walked raising my daughter. I knew beyond a doubt what kind of parent I DIDN'T want to be. There was so much self-doubt along for the ride...  Above all else, what I did know was - I loved her more than life itself. Any parent can fully attest we place a lot of faith on  hope and a prayer, they turn out alright.

I guess you can say raising Skye was a learning process for us both. I think I taught her more by example and love,  with more guesswork than not. Some people would even say that alone made the best teacher/parent (I tended to disagree). The last few years of high school with her had me convinced I had it all wrong, upside down/ass backwards wrong (Or at least I believed so at the time). I saw all the bad I knew lay within me, come out in her. Makes one wonder exactly what did I pass on to her for a legacy...

"Teaching is leaving a vestige of one self in the development of another.  And surely the student is a bank where you can deposit your most precious treasures."  ~Eugene P. Bertin

Like I said it was a learning process. With anything you truly want to master in one form or another...you don't give up until you have it perfected. The thing about parenting there is no guidebook, there is no such thing as perfection in  that arena. I've since learned my trials and tribulations were not singular and quite a few parents (even those with exemplary parents themselves) struggled with this learning curve. What I didn't foresee is that at one point the child would teach the parent, as a pupil will eventually teach the teacher.  I discovered - time is our second teacher in life. It teaches us patience, compassion, and wisdom. Time made my daughter my second greatest teacher.

So many people seem to think I have a pretty good grasp on life and my deafness. For the most part I do...but like everything else in life, I'm still learning. In all honesty when it comes to my deafness I'm still a child in so many ways, wanting to stomp my feet and pretend it isn't so. That stubbornness has left me in between acceptance and moving forward. Both have a tendency to beat me up from time to time, or rather I beat myself up with them.  I have stalled, made excuses you name it, NOT to learn sign language. Part of it is bitterness, the other part is fear. Yes, I have the time and patience to learn. When and if I decide to finally do so, I'll learn rather quickly. I tend to be able to pick things up easily once I make up my mind to do so....

"We cannot hold a torch to light another's path without brightening our own."
Ben Sweetland

Not long after I went deaf, it was painfully obvious my daughter had little time or patience for this new development in our lives.  At times her cruelty would shock Paul (Doc), that she could talk to her own mother that way. It hurt.. but somewhere inside me,  I understood more than I was willing to admit to. She felt robbed of  being able to talk to me without a struggle. Skye was just as scared as I was. At that time I don't believe it was anything either of us was fully aware of. There were multiple reasons for the shatter that broke our relationship almost beyond repair. Time our second teacher helped us heal. Our first teacher our hearts, taught us to love despite the fear and wouldn't let us give up on one another. The student became the teacher....

Yesterday I was going insane with my house being overrun by the cable repairman, the phone ringing off the hook for appts. to have estimates on some home projects we needed done. Peace seemed to be weeks out of my horizon, and then my daughter shows up to take me out for a belated birthday celebration (she was working that day). It was the first day she could get off between both her jobs to visit. As I got in the car I noticed a book in the backseat of her SUV...I picked it up and glanced up at her. "When did you get this?" I asked. "I've had it for awhile, I've been slowly learning different signs. I figured when you were ready we could work on it together."...Yes, I do have tears flowing down my face right now.  We went out to eat and spent the day together shopping. Skye put a CD in her player and turned up the volume. I asked her what she was listening to and she said Johnny Cash (like her mother she has a wide range of music choices. Generally it's hard rock or punk). To my surprise she reset the bass all the way up so I would be able to feel the vibrations and enjoy it. Her visits encourage me to want to try to be the person I was before my deafness. It's life changing but I need to still be me in the midst of it somehow. My two teachers - Time and Skye...I'm learning,I haven't finished yet. I have a lot of home remodeling going on over the Summer. Starting Sept. I have made a promise to myself to let my teacher, start teaching me the signs she has already learned. Who would of ever thought my second greatest teacher would be my daughter...

You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good bye.

Teach your children well,
Their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by.

Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

And you, of tender years,
Can't know the fears that your elders grew by,
And so please help them with your youth,
They seek the truth before they can die.

Teach your parents well,
Their children's hell will slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by.

Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you. (Crosby Stills Nash & Young - Teach Your Children)

*I'm way behind on journals, with all the work soon to be done on my home...all I can promise is to try to get there eventually.*

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"Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need of hell." Emily Dickinson

From time to time I get an email telling me how much someone enjoyed my writing, or how they got the "aha" moment in something I've written. Sometimes these same people will tell me I can't write or I'll never be as expressive as you, I'll never be...stands out to me loud and clear. It's almost painful to me to read those sentiments, because what is written here are mere words. They are never meant to make someone feel less than or inadequate in any forum. I truly believe each and everyone of us matters, we all have something in us that lights the way for someone else. No matter how minuscule you think you are, your presence and life will always matter.

"Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought." Percy Bysshe Shelley

One of the authors to an email I received, became a friend who started out the letter with those same sentiments. We debated vigorously back and forth on that topic. She went as far to say in the scheme of life she didn't matter.....I protested those words...I hope she knew in the end she mattered...she mattered to me. Annie would on occasion leave a comment, for the most part she would email me and talk about something I had written. How could she think she didn't matter in this life? Even if it were just me alone, and I know it wasn't...that she had emailed online and shared her views. She left a part of her, to me in words and expressed feelings, in friendship.

I received an email this morning telling me Annie had passed away in the night...Annie did you know you mattered in the end? Did you know you were a bright spot in someone's life and day?

So my gentle readers, if you want to read my words and enjoy them...by all means please do. Please don't place me on a pedestal and place yourself beneath me for any reason. I've only ever seen anyone of you beside me in friendship. Don't tell me you don't matter and no one cares, please don't say that. Every single person I come in contact with matters in my life. No one person in this day and age will ever encompass the effects we have on any one individual who crosses our path. So if you email me or comment, don't belittle yourself, don't underestimate the power of your own words and thoughts. I wanted to write this for Annie; I wanted someone else to know she mattered, she counted for something in this life. Annie you were a friend and I will always remember you, because in the scheme of life you mattered...you truly mattered to someone...me....

If you would like to visit Annie's journal and read about her life up to her passing you can visit her at: Annie's Meanderings . No one in life should ever think they don't matter. Make sure everyone you know realizes that simple sentiment....

You can't take a trip
If you don't first say goodbye
You can't find a star
If you don't look look up in the sky
You can't find the light
If you don't know where the dark ends
And you can't change the heroes and friends

You can't light a spark
If you don't first carry a flame
You can't take the weight
Of a single ounce of shame
You can't change the signal

Just the message that it sends
The message of the heroes and friends

You can touch the screen
It can take the place of love
You can disappear in either
When push has come to shove
You can walk the night into the dawn
And back again
Looking for the heroes and friends

You can ride the back roads
Of the hometowns of the world
You can collide on sidewalks
In a neon lighted blur
You can rush the stages
And believe the words again
Looking for the heroes and friends

You can dedicate your life
To breaking down the walls
To ringing the alarm
And screaming down the halls
You can stand in judgement of the meaning in the end
That we are all just Heroes and friends

Why do we sacrifice our life
To what is left when it all ends
When all we want is Heroes and friends

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I hope Rosemary forgives my late response...(Procrastination) is my middle name these days. I tend to do a balancing act with several different things in a day and some fall by the wayside. At the very least it keeps life interesting and adventuresome. This however I wanted to do for a dear friend and the challenge itself.

The Challenge (<--click to find out more info.) is to come up with a new unisex (gender nuetral) logo for the Nice Matters award and Rosemary's concept for stickers to give out freely. I am in no way close to the talent that premetes these journals on PSP. Then again you don't have to be, to give this a shot. Simply type in Copyright Free Images in your search bar and you will be given any number of places to look for images. After you find your idea image for your conception of what "Nice Matters" means it's just a hop, skip, jump to a image editing program. Will (another link) just highlighted several different versions you can try out recently in Magic Smoke.

I was given several of these awards by loving friends throughout J-land. I can honestly say it does make a difference to know some one recognizes a kindness. I believe more people than we give credit to, deserve to know they make a difference - online and off. That is the idea behind Rosemary wanting to produce a sticker with these token words. To share that same feeling with people we come across in our every day dealings and letting them know, we notice and appreciate the effort. So without further ado here are my efforts to create a unisex version of the Nice Matters Image. I couldn't decide on any one version so I have 3 different ones:

As I said, I am by no means great at this. Sometimes you take a chance for a friend and the principle of the thing. I'm including Kid Rock's song "Amen" a great example of needing to make a difference. Enjoy the weekend my dear friends....

It's another night in hell
Another child won't live to tell
Can you imagine what it's like to starve to death

And as we sit free and well
Another soldier has to yell
Tell my wife and children I love them in his last breath

C'mon now amen, amen, amen

Habitual offenders,scumbag lawyers with agendas
I'll tell you sometimes people I don't know what's worse
Natural disasters or these wolves in sheep clothes pastors
Now God damn it I'm scared to send my children to church
And how can we seek salvation when our nations race relations
Got me feeling guilty of being white
But faith in human nature, our creator and our savior, I'm no saint
But I believe in what is right

C'mon now amen, amen
I said amen, amen

Stop pointing fingers and take some blame,
Pull your future away from the flame
Open up your mind and start to live
Stop short changing your neighbors
Living off hand outs and favors, and maybe
Give a little bit more than you got to give

Simplify, testify, identify, rectify
And if I get high stop being so uptight
It's only human nature and I am not a stranger
So baby won't you stay with me tonight

When a calls away
to break the sound
I'm faden down, I need someone
Oh to be someone
They just sinken down, and holden back
I hold the dawn and run
They don't save a child
Oh, to save a child

It's a matter of salvation from them patience up above,
So don't give up so damn easy on the one you love, one you love
Somewhere you got a brother, sister, friend, grandmother, niece or nephew
Just dying to be with you
You know there's someone out there who unconditionally, religiously, loves you
So just hold on 'cause you know it's true
And if you can take the pain
And you can withstand anything, and one day
Stand hand in hand with the truth

I said amen, I said amen
I said amen, I said amen,

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"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Marianne Williamson (another description of Freedom - Indigo).

Sitting here thinking about tomorrow and what it means to me...I can't help but think of a video Beth shared with her readers a few days ago (I'm including the video at the end of this entry). I've watched this video over and over a few times, and the possibility and hope this image presents is everything one would want to describe a life of freedom as...

I think there are some days we take what we have for granted, we divide by color and status and forget...forget what this country is and the melting pot that we are. We as a whole are part of one nationality or another built into a unity of diversity. It's what makes THIS country unique and formidable. Freedom means not drawing invisible lines, instead standing hand in hand for unity and strength.

As a Native American it took me a long time to see the full picture. If this country wasn't made of different ethnics, I wouldn't know the pride of the German blood (along with the Cherokee) that runs through my veins. My daughter wouldn't know the beauty of who she is, Native, German, Italian and a bit of Irish. It's beautiful on so many different levels.

Freedom of your beliefs without religious persecution...Freedom to speak your mind and be counted...Freedom to live without fear...Freedom to choose what you want outof life. Freedom speaks for more than we realize; think of all you can do and end it with the word freedom. It's our countries birthright, yet we so easily forget.

With that Freedom we are given hope and hope is what keeps the Freedom alive in us all. This country was given birth on hopes and dreams. I was recently sent a beautiful card with this quote: Hope is the thing with Feathers that perches in the Soul and sings the tune without Words and never stops at all...Emily Dickinson (Thanks Beth and Ken) To me those words describe what Freedom feels like...it's time we remembered, and put the Pride back into this melting pot of diversity we have for a country. Celebrate tomorrow's independence and the Freedom that resulted from this day, if nothing else take a moment to ponder and be thankful you live in this country of the free and the brave.

 (I couldn't help but be reminded of John Lennon's song - Imagine, after watching this video) 

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one 

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I made an appointment to see the optometrist on my Birthday for Doc and I...When you get to be my age you don't mind taking care of necessary details like that on said Birthday.  So I composed myself for whatever the results would be (it's been a few years since I've had my eyes tested). I half joked with Doc he would probably need Bifocals because of his age (he's only 2 years older than I am, closer to a 1 and a half).

The interesting thing about getting your eyes tested is no one usually thinks or worries about seeing the eye doctor while he's testing your eyesight....we usually listen for his instructions while looking through the proper machinery as he checks our focus...Ah, yes a conundrum for me, or it could of been...

Fortunately Doc had already thought of that and we had worked out a solution beforehand. With him holding my hand palm up, he would write either 1 or 2 in motion with his finger indication which view was better. It was a novel idea and helped me tremendously. Until...the optometrist said those fateful words....I turned to Doc and said, "Did he just say what I think he said?" I provided quite a bit of amusement for these two gentlemen. It felt a bit like I was stuck in the...

"Huh...No Way...Your Kidding Right?" , snickers and light snorting noises coming from both guys. So yeah, I...need Bifocals (he doesn't - go figure). Not funny in the way I like to wear small lens for glasses. As it was I did find a pair that I liked a lot and thankfully they can still work for the Bifocals . As a matter of fact Doc tried them on and they look better on him than me. Try not to laugh, we both now have matching eyewear (snort, snicker....bwahhhaahaha - sorry about that). It is amusing though.

As we are ordering our individual pair of eye glasses, Doc turns to me and says "Happy Birthday Honey"....(more giggles and laughter ensues). I smile and tell him a perfect gift, I'm old enough to get Bifocals for my Birthday. And it is a great gift, these things are not cheap (I have great taste in my eyewear).

So my Birthday is already amusing at this point. Doc drops me off at home so he can go teach guitar lessons for a few hours. When he comes home he offers to take me out to a nice Italian restaurant a few blocks from where we live. Another amusement for me, because before dinner is over Doc will tell me he still likes my Spaghetti Sauce better (so far the score is everyone else - 0). After dinner he takes my hand and tells me he loves me, then he proceeds to sign the entire Happy Birthday song. He had made a point to learn all the words so he would be able to do that (pretty romantic isn't it). He wasn't done yet though. He asked for the small binder and pen I carried with me to write things down, and wrote out the entire Happy Birthday song with one additional line...

"Happy Birthday to you___you now wear Bifocals______"....(breaks out in peals of laughter) Yeah we're a regular riot aren't we? Needless to say my Birthday was filled with laughter, patience (you gotta give him credit for coming up with such a novel idea for helping me get my eyes tested), love and everything I could ever hope for. Thank you for the many E-cards and wonderful wishes for my Birthday. This is definitely going down in the books as one of the more memorable ones. To share even more laughter on this special day click on the link to go to one of my favorite "I Love Lucy" episodes.

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Wiping the steam off the mirror from the shower, I glance at my reflection in the mirror and think to myself..."So that's what 43 looks like" and I smile gently at my countenance and realize the smile is genuine....

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.” Groucho Marx

43 won't arrive with fireworks and come parading in July 1st with a loud bang, it's appearance will simply come through the door with a melancholy "sigh" of reflection. At the very least I can admit to not minding it's presence as much as previous years past. Great minds have prophesied that, wisdom comes with age. Apparently I'm not "old" enough yet, as I'm still thirsting for knowledge and reflecting on the fine tunings of life. I believe as each Birthday announces it's arrival we are wont to look back on the passage of years previously lived, contemplating mistakes - wrong turns taken on the path to this day and age. We weigh the joy and substance of who we are, and ponder if the price was worth the weight in pain and sorrow....Not so odd thoughts for an odd age of 43.

Honestly? I can't help smiling, it's a number to me;  I am the sum of the forge that was melded all those years down to the finest detail. Details that have created every nuance/ingredient that molded me into who I am today. A fine spun web of weaving, each line and path leading to the center of who I am and my place in life. This web of life with strands broken and separated at intervals, yet still woven with strength for my courageous soul to travel it's various paths. Time gives me the tools to mend this web and give it even more endurance than the initial weaving. In order to maintain this stability I must always weave my way to the center of me, giving my life even more substance.

When you've seen beyond yourself
Then you may find peace of mind is waiting there
And the time will come
When you see we're all one
And Life flows on within you and without you."
--- The Beatles, "Within You Without You."

I'm neither older nor younger in my aspirations. What I am is at peace with the person I have become. I don't fear my age nor regret the years. It's all mine the ugly/beautiful temperance of it all belongs to me. Each wrinkle, scar and flaw are mine alone, and well earned reminders of where I've been and the distance I've traveled to get to where I am now in my life. Even my deafness came with lessons to help prepare my spirit, for the weavers plan and the beauty it would thread throughout my life. Yes, I'm older...If wisdom is the balance paid in full for that aspect, perhaps I have a chance of growing old with grace. I wish I had known this peace of mind awaited my future; I may not of struggled for so long trying to avoid it. At the end of my life I want to say yes I'm old but I'm still young of heart, still thirsting for all that life may give me. For every measure of pain and sorrow, there is an equal measure of beauty and peace. May we all find those measures in balance as we age with clarity of spirit. 43 becomes me....

The Beatles "In My Life"

There are places i'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends i still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life i've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When i think of love as something new
Though i know i'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know i'll often stop and think about them
In my life i love you more

Though i know i'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know i'll often stop and think about them
In my life i love you more
In my life i love you more

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I glance over at the cable box, only to get an irked look on my face. The box came home with Doc when he went to pay the cable bill. His discovery of the possibility of 100's more channels for just a couple bucks more a month was irresistible to him. I can't complain, he will be home for the summer on break from his teacher's aid job. The tv is his domain, the computer is mine. However I'm the designated choice for anything mechanical in our home (Unless of course it's a guitar, amp or various other musical implements - then he's the wizard). After recent events with my computer problems, I'm put off with having to deal with any machinery in any form. Deciding to get it over with, I begin hooking up the system. I won't go into in-depth description of how I went about this. In any case...something easy turned out to have it's own complications. A trip to Radio Shack in a few days will cure that problem. The cable box finally did get hooked up, sound and all....

"Heaven holds a sense of wonder
and I wanted to believe
that I'd get caught up
when the rage in me subsides" Sarah McLachlan

Sound? Yes, I'm still deaf. That my friends is the beauty of the entire figuration. If I turn the sound up to levels that would hurt your ears, I can feel the vibrations bounce off to realize whether or not it was working. Add in the reaction to the cats running off and Pickles looking at me like I've totally lost my mind. Configuring cords and switching from the tv to the cable box an hour later, things are pretty much as good as they are going to get (pats self on the back). A few hours later it dawns on me and sinks in what I just did....without even thinking I had managed to side step my deafness and go on with what I was doing. My world has changed and I've learned to compensate for the silence. If you had asked me if this was possible a few years ago, I would of laughed insanely. There is serenity in coming to that acceptance....

I usedto say my deafness didn't define me. What I never realized is it's still a definition of the person I am, a whole/very large part of me. When I stopped fighting the silence and embraced those elements of myself, it gave me the tools to final become whole. I confided in a friend of mine recently (Vagabond Journeys) , that when I realized my impending deafness was getting closer, I couldn't stop talking. I feared if I stopped the silence would overtake me. Three and a half years later I hear far more than I ever did before the silence. Does this mean I'm entirely comfortable with the notion of my deafness? That would be like asking, if you liked your right hand attached to were it is...when the choice is removed it becomes as much a part of you as your right hand. I've grown into the constraints that my deafness comes with. Strange as it may seem my deafness completes  me in more ways than I ever was before it's arrival. It's almost like my entire life was preparing me for the moment of my silence - a moment to complete the person I would become...

"the answer to each moment must be yes
and the question: can you live with that?
becomes the test
so you weigh it against that aching in your chest
and that secretly relentless emptiness" Ani Difranco you each time

My days of angst and bitterness of having been dealt this hand are becoming far between...oh, I still have some days that it's a raw reminder. For example last week I rented a couple DVD's to watch while Doc was away at a gig. These days you don't have to always look to see if it's close captioned (cc), as you can always program it for English subtitles. One of the DVD's only offered Spanish subtitles, something I wasn't aware of until I had it home. In that moment it just hit me wrong and I shed a few tears. It just seemed unfair that I couldn't watch it. I know it seems like such a small thing - you have to deal with the silence to understand it. So yeah, I still have those defeatist moments. More and more I think I find more beauty and serenity in the silence than not. Maybe it's as simple as an acceptance of myself and who I am at this point in my life. I think my entries have become more positive and lighthearted lately...I'm enjoying these moments of reflective serenity. You'll still see those entries of an animal rescuer and abuse survivor, from time to time.. It helps to read these type of entries too, to know there is a light at the other end of the tunnel and it's brilliant in it's insight. For those who have stayed the course through the screaming, insanity and anger to get to this part of my life....Thank you. True friends stand by you even when it's not convenient....

Give me release
witness me
I am outside
give me peace

Heaven holds a sense of wonder
and I wanted to believe
that I'd get caught up
when the rage in me subsides

In this white wave
I am sinking
in this silence
in this white wave
in this silence
I believe

Passion chokes the flower
'til she cries no more
possessing all the beauty
hungry still for more

Heaven holds a sense of wonder...

I can't help this longing
comfort me
I can't hold it all in
if you won't let me

Heaven holds a sense of wonder...

In this white wave
I am sinking
in this silence
in this white wave
in this silence
I believe

I have seen you
in this white wave
you are silent
you are breathing
in this white wave
I am free

Sarah McLachlan "Silence" Lyrics

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All the reasons for who I am today had to start somewhere....I can even without a doubt say my life began on a certain day and on a certain time. One fateful meeting....and my heart grew new eyes to see.

So for that one someone, who knows who they are and all the reasons why...let me define them from my heart to yours.

You're the reason I learned I didn't have to experience pain to be heard, my mind and opinions counted.

You're the reason I'm still alive today. You didn't give up on me no matter how hard I pushed you away.

You're the reason I can trust again. You didn't turn away from me and patiently waited for me to understand I was valued.

You're the reason I survive my silence daily. You don't treat me any different. You refused to allow me to imprison myself within the echoes of my sorrow.

You're the reason I can be so carefree and giving of my time. You give me the springboard of support I need and fill in all the blanks when I can't.

You're the reason I believe in me. Because you believed in me first. You encouraged me to be whomever I desired and to fill my days with wonder at what I may accomplish.

You're the reason so many animals now have a home and are loved. You never said no to any creature I brought through the door; you smiled and donated just as much time and money to their cause as I did, if not more.

You're the reason my daughter knows about respect and honor. She has seen first hand how a woman is to be treated, loved and cherished.

You're the reason I know safe and what a home feels like. You made me realize what it was to have a place to call my own.

You're the reason I'm loved. You stayed the course, never left, never gave up and always without a doubt believed in us.

So you see my love....All the reasons in the world couldn't possibly describe why we're together 5 years later. Except for one...I'm complete with you. You make me whole. What other reason could there be for a love such as ours? Happy Anniversary Paul (Doc) for all these reasons and so many more.

*Our actual Anniversary is June 27th. With my computer problems I wanted to make sure I was able to announce this moment to the world...for me it's momentous....

Grateful Dead "From the heart of Me"

Voices slide down off the mountain
Sunlight turning red
Falls on the earth and it spreads
Even the families lower their heads
as they rise
Age old faces of the mountains
Looming naturally
I wonder if they're looking at me
Their monume