Raven's Lament

7:38:08 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing James Blunt "Cry"

"Nor need we power or splendor, wide hall or lordly dome; The good, the true, the tender -- these form the wealth of home." Sarah J. Hale

I read an article the other day titled "Unexpected Visitors Surprising Homeless Shelters", a friend of mine had posted a link to in his own journal - to say the least it was unsettling. It's a grim reminder that we are in the midst or close to a recession. A trip to the gas station or grocery store attest to the outrageous increase in prices. Small businesses are going under daily, larger companies are streamlining their work force in preparation for the rising cost of materials. For those of us in middle incomes (working, disability, or retired) we can't deny our belts are being tightened and worrying over the state of our countries affairs.

Anyone in the circumstances of losing a job and struggling would be quick to anger as the stress builds; the constant torment worrying how the bills will be paid, if there are children or pets it weighs even heavier on us. In times like these we strike out at those closest to us, our spouse and even our children. No, I'm not saying you would...but these are trying times and our emotions are on edge. The increase of women and families in shelters speaks for itself of how often this is happening. In the midst of a recession families crumble.

This isn't the first time our country has had to face this fear and these obstacles. For many of us our grandparents, for some of us our parents survived the Great Depression . Without a doubt they struggled and had a hard life during those years. However they did something we could all follow by example...they turned to their families and friends for support and strength. Somehow they knew the key to survival wasn't hatred or anger, rather the love they had for those around them. I'm well aware this is a different Era we are in the midst of entirely...that doesn't mean you can't still find peace and strength by gathering those you love close, instead of turning abusive and angry at the world.

Taking your anger out on your loved ones won't change the fact you lost your job; It won't put food on the table and it most certainly won't make you feel any safer by being a fool. Being in the midst of a recession, simply means for some of us you won't have any extra money for frivolous things. You might have to shut off the tv and lose your cable, even your computer - because you can't afford to stay online; Perhaps you won't get to take that vacation this year or pay for club memberships. The stress lies in mourning for those things you can't have, instead of finding and appreciating what you do have. If money is tight, it's not a bad time to quit drinking or smoking. I can't think of a more noble reason to make these changes in your life.

The list of what you can do goes on and on. It's the small things that begin to add up and make a difference. Can't afford gas to go to the movie theatre or the ball game; why not walk to the nearest park with your family and have a picnic? Nothing on tv due to the cable being shut off, board games are a timeless classic for family fun. Can't afford to go out to eat in restaurants - I've always preferred a good old fashioned cook out at home myself. I guess what I'm trying to say and encourage is...before you resort to violence or anger with your circumstances in life, hold your family and loved ones close instead. A Depression - Recession won't last forever. The damage you do with your anger leaves a lasting impression that won't EVER be forgotten. Life in my opinion is almost always never fair, we can even up the odds with love and compassion.

"The family is one of nature's masterpieces." George Santayana

I'm ending this entry with a prayer on the smoke for all those abused women and children, for the homeless that somehow they are taken care of, loved and find peace in their lives.....

James Blunt "Cry"

I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.

You and I have been through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

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9:13:58 PM EDT
Feeling Mischievous
Hearing Verve Pipe "Colorful"

"I know I can be colorful, I know I can be gray"

It's an early edition of the 3rd Sunday Rhapsody, before I begin let me introduce you to my song choice for this week:

Verve Pipe "Colorful" written by Brian Vander Ark

The show is over - close the storybook
there will be no encore
and all the random hands that i have shook
well, they're reaching for the door
i watch the backs as they leave single-file
you stood stubborn, cheering all the while

i know i can be colorful
i know i can be gray
i know this loser's living fortunate
cause i know you will love me either way

most were being good for goodness sake
but you wouldn't pantomime
you are more beautiful when you awake
than most are in a lifetime
through the haze that is my memory
you stayed for drama though you paid for a comedy

i know i can be colorful
i know i can be gray
i know this loser's living fortunate
cause i know you will love me either way

move the hand as far as you can see
we live in drama but we die in a comedy

i know i can be colorful (when you live in black and white)
i know i can be gray (my colors fade away)
i know this loser's living fortunate
cause i know you will love me either way

Have you ever had one of those moments when you would hear a song and you would just be frozen within that moment until the last melody was played? That is exactly how "Colorful" affected me the first time I heard it. At the time I didn't have a computer but I did have close captioning on my tv. I had watched the entire movie "Rockstar" (not recommended for family viewing) before the scene would play with this song being sung. I was so in tuned and touched by this song, as if I had been given a revelation in itself. I remember rewinding the lyrics over and over in the close captioning until I had managed to write down all the words.

At this time in my life - I had just gotten out of a horrible abusive relationship and was once again embarking on my journey as a single woman. Somehow I believe this was my epiphany, my life changing moment. These words made perfect sense to me. To this day it reminds me of true love and friendship; someone who can accept all the colors of you, even the gray areas you may not understand about yourself. It's so simple...yet for me it was one of those "Aha!" moments. A revelation that if I believed and truly wanted someone in my life that would be there for me, it would and could happen. For anyone who has been involved in domestic abuse a revelation like that is considered truly life changing. It's an awareness that awakens within you that you don't have to be hurt or in pain. The possibility opens up that there are people who will and do accept you...just as you are, flaws and all.

When I moved from my last apt. the paper I had written those lyrics on was buried and forgotten. A couple years ago, going through remnants left over in boxes in the basement - I came across them again. Reading those lyrics 2 1/2 years after moving on with my life, I couldn't help but smile and feel a gentle tear glide down my face. Some revelations are life changing...a whole different lifetime later the words in this song still resound with strength and courage within me.

"I know I can be colorful, I know I can be gray,but this loser's living fortunate, cause I know you will love me either way..."

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7:17:16 PM EDT
Feeling Mischievous
Hearing Tori Amos "Happy Phantom"

"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true." Robert Wilensky

I half joked with a few friends I may or may not write something in honor of celebrating 15 years of www... It was something I couldn't stop thinking about - how it related to me. I've always been around computers to one extent or another. Everything I've learned has been pretty much self taught. It wasn't something I couldn't live without and pretty much did for quite a few years. My world to me was broader and far more consuming outside this little box....

My story is a little deeper than the normal I do this and this with my computer and use www for...Doc gave me the newest of the new for my 40th Birthday, flat screen monitor all the bells and whistles to go with it. He even made arrangements to have it hooked up wireless so I could use it however long I wished without worry about phone access (not that I was using the phone at the time - I had been deaf for over a year). Yet...I couldn't tell him I didn't want anything to do with it at that point in my life. Why? I knew he was hoping it would broaden my world , give me another means of communicating. So it sat with my daughter making use of it..I would venture on once in awhile and check it out but for the most part left it sitting there with a blank screen.

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." Martin Luther King, Jr.

Desperation makes you do things you normally don't do. At this time I had pretty much shut myself up in my home and didn't want to venture outside, I was closing the world off every way I knew how. The thing is, I was trying to knock down the same walls I was building around me. So we're back to the desperate need to communicate and be a part of something beyond my confinement. I had recalled my daughter showing me how to look up things via the World Wide Web and tried looking up anything to do with Native or Cherokee. Seriously at the time it was a royal joke...I already knew what I wanted about my heritage and thought it was amusing to see what someone would of listed online about it. I ended up joining a couple groups on MSN with a great bunch of people who knew exactly who and what I was.

Even then I held back...the Native groups were still a novelty to me but a great jumping off point. I then started to try to find different sites and other people with my condition "Late deafness" (someone who once heard before losing all their hearing)...this frustrated me even more. Most of what I came across would be individuals who are born deaf and never heard...In most cases they are (trying to find a polite interjection here) not exactly welcoming to someone who used to hear. By now you get an idea of where I'm coming from, I'm ready to turn the computer off and give up. I wanted somewhere I still fit in. In my world, I was shunned by those who heard and yet not exactly wanted amongst the deaf either...it was a conundrum to say the least.

The www helped me continue researching groups and I came across AOL journals. After visiting a couple of these journals I began to realize I had a chance to open a door and break out of the box I felt everyone was trying to stuff me into. Online I'm just like you or anyone else, you don't realize until I've told you that I'm even deaf. I think I can speak for quite a few handicapped individuals out there, when I say the computer puts us on the same level playing field as everyone else. Here I still have a voice and I've learned to use it to try to make a difference, not just in helping people understand deafness but speaking out against a few other things I'm passionate about.

With www I can look up songs I used to hear and find the lyrics. To me this is just like hearing the words all over again. I've found what to date is my favorite artist - Henri Peters (All the images in this entry are his) through a search, actually most of the artwork used in my journal came from researching certain images. Most importantly I've found some pretty amazing people and friends online. So yes, today is worth a celebration of sorts. Www connects all of us in one form or another. Most importantly for me it's given me the middle ground I was in desperate search for. From my spirit to yours stay safe and loved Always!

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10:06:14 PM EDT
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing Stray Cats "Stray Cat Strut"

"Sanity may be madness but the maddest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be." Don Quixote

I sometimes forget rather easily the simple echo of hope that runs beneath everything we are and do in our lives...Hope is the essence of courage and belief in something more than our simplicity. Yes, it does sound like an oxy moronic statement after what I began this writing with. It's a simple thought and desire, yet it's so much more than we realize. Hope is what I've hung onto for a little over a week now. With that hope was determination and faith mixed in for good measure. I had hoped things would work out, I had faith and was determined I would see it through to whatever end it promised. (Smiles) I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel to my recent frustrations. I never doubted one way or another I would find a solution to the 2 litters of kittens and their mothers. I just needed time to sort through my options and figure something out. Between money problems and a new Director in the Animal Care Council I worked with from time to time with the stray cats, it seemed as if everything in that moment when I had become un-frayed had come head to head. Today I received some good news and thought my biggest supporters would enjoy hearing the outcome. (After all it never hurts to get some good wholesome news from me, from time to time does it? *winks*).

Another woman who is familiar with all the work I do with the strays and works at the Animal Care Counsel has stepped up to the plate on my behalf. Normally I offset the cost of fixing the mothers and taking care of all the kittens myself. I figure in this way it leaves donations to be used for even more cats than my bunch. This time around roles are slightly reversed, I'm still taking care of the cost of the mother cats (they will continue living on my property and under my care). The kittens will be moved when they are old enough to another home until they are adopted. This takes the pressure off me of trying to re-home so many cats. After I'm through taking care of the two I need to get fixed and find some semblance of normalcy, I will be on call for fostering kittens from the agency. Of course there will always be more strays that will need to be rescued. You do what you can , when and how you can. There are a few male strays still roaming loose that show up from time to time. Hopefully they can be captured and neutered. I wish people would realize just because they have a male cat, doesn't mean they don't have to worry. Male cats roaming free are the ones who end up impregnating the stray females. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. If your a responsible pet owner , do the right thing and make sure ALL your animals are spayed or neutered please. Spring is the season for so many kittens being born in the wild (on the streets).

For all those wonderful friends who worried about me and those few who even offered to make donations to help...Thank you! If anyone still wishes to make a donation, please make your donations to your local Animal Care Shelter or no kill shelter. Every little bit helps. Will I learn or change what I do? No, I probably won't. I can't say why it means so much to me to have a hands on experience to try to make a difference....I do know as some of my friends have pointed out, I do it for me as well as these animals. The feeling I get from knowing they have half a chance is priceless. By no means do I think I do enough or I'm something special for what I do. There are hundreds more out there doing the same thing I am...trying to make a difference one animal or person at a time.

I sat outside today watching the older kittens play king of the mtn. romping all over the porch and me. I can't describe how much sense it makes to be where I am at this point in my life. Perhaps I understand on a primal level what it's like to be abandoned and unwanted. I need these animals around me, they keep me human and real; through them I seethe beauty in life I was rather ignorant of once upon a time. Yes, I've had a lot of ugliness in my life but I'm finding an ethereal balance, with a subtle beauty every time I save one of these creatures. If this sounds selfish...then perhaps we all should be a little more selfish in this pursuit. Finally an upbeat and promising entry from yours truly...It was never about me being worried on my behalf, it was all about giving those little romping gentle creatures outside my door a fighting chance. 

 

Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, Oooh,
Black and orange stray cat sittin' on a fence
Ain't got enough dough to pay the rent
I'm flat broke but I don't care
I strut right by with my tail in the air

Stray cat strut, I'm a ladies' cat,
A feline Casanova, hey man, thats where its at
Get a shoe thrown at me from a mean old man
Get my dinner from a garbage can

Yeah don't cross my path

I don't bother chasing mice around
I slink down the alley looking for a fight
Howling to the moonlight on a hot summer night
Singin' the blues while the lady cats cry,
"Wild stray cat, you're a real gone guy."

I wish I could be as carefree and wild,
but I got cat class and I got cat style.

I don't bother chasing mice around
I slink down the alley looking for a fight
Howling to the moonlight on a hot summer night
Singin' the blues while the lady cats cry,
"Wild stray cat, you're a real gone guy."

I wish I could be as carefree and wild,
but I got cat class and I got cat style.

"Stray Cat Strut" by the Stray Cats

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7:34:52 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger"

(Takes a deep breathe and looks around to see who came by for the 2nd Edition of Sunday Rhapsody, smiles and allows this weeks chosen song to begin playing within her mind....) Ahh, no I'm not quite back off my much needed sojourn from my journal. However...I didn't want to drop the ball on something I had started in motion last week. If you missed the 1st edition of Sunday Rhapsody you can check it out via the link.

This weeks edition is in memory of my brother. Yes, he's still with us somewhere in this lifetime...just lost to me. I've had him on my mind a lot these days, wondering where he is and how he's doing. My brother's all time favorite song was Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger"...I'm not surprised I remember after all these years, it was one of the last memories I was granted of him. Forgive me if I don't give my brothers name here. I believe names hold a lot of meaning - the essence/spirit of the person. Before I get too far into this entry, let me share the lyrics of this song with you, then I'll share a little about the story between two siblings who grew up and apart from one another.

Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast
You change your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

Chorus:
It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin'hungry
They stack the odds 'til we take to the street
For we kill with the skill to survive

chorus

Risin' up, straight to the top
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive

chorus

The eye of the tiger (repeats out)...

In hindsight as an adult it makes sense this was something he would find strength in listening to...This song was released in 1982, you might remember it as the theme song for Rocky III. I distinctly remember my brother playing this over and over again. This would be in the background of telephone conversations we would have. My brother at the time was 14 almost 15 and already 6'5, he wasn't a skinny kid rather just a huge muscular gentle giant. My brother and I differed in the broad spectrum of abuse we took, his abuse was more physical - fist beatings from my stepfather...whereas mine was sexual, physical and emotional abuse. The abuse was centered toward the two of us, my other siblings were by default safe as they were my stepfather's own flesh and blood.

I resented my brother for not using his size to protect himself, and he resented me for leaving him behind - always feeling abandoned. We stuck by one another until the end...in the end some things are unforgiven. I understand and truly don't blame his hatred, he...changed. I've read alot about the interaction between siblings in abusive situations. In so many cases there is a scenario that seems to almost always present itself, the victims either escape or they learn to deny and buy into the lie in order to survive. When I left home at 16 the one threat that was always implied toward my stepfather was, I would remain quiet about the abuse as long as my brothers and sisters remained unharmed. Conversations with my brother and sisters years later would assure me he took the threat seriously. My brother had a few good years were things would be almost normal before my stepfather passed away. I don't and can't hold it against him for wanting to believe that was how life truly was...My three sisters and little brother never knew what I survived..what life was truly like, they were much too young to ever know.

So yes, I miss my brother and the rest of my siblings from time to time. I made a choice so many years ago. Part of me needs to believe I made the right one and gave them a chance at a life I didn't have. I choose not to try to contact them now...why tell them the truth and change what they had (a normal life). Some things in life are just not meant to be. I left to protect them and in some strange way believe I still protect them even now. One life for 5 others. I don't think it was a hard price to pay at all. If I had to do it all over again, I would in a heartbeat. I don't expect anyone to understand my reasoning for allowing these children I tried to protect to remain strangers to me...it's enough I know and believe it was the right decision.

I was able until 13 years ago to keep track and knowledgeable about what kind of life my brother lived. Underneath his denial is someone who hasn't been able to find love or security with anyone else in his life. He's been married multiple times with kids from each of those marriages. The last I had heard, he almost literally got his manhood shot off for being unfaithful (shakes head sadly, you would think he would of known better seeing as she just came home from the police academy)...Not long after the latest news we lost touch permanently, his choice...Wherever he is, however he is I wish him love and hope someday he finds the peace he so richly deserves.

Next week, I want to try to bring something with a little hope and endearment to Sunday Rhapsody. I'm not quite ready yet, to return to regular entries...perhaps sometime in the next week I'll be up to the task. Until then my gentle readers - you will all remain in my thoughts and prayers on the smoke in hopes life is treating you kindly. From my spirit to yours stay safe and loved!

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2:32:06 PM EDT
Feeling Frustrated
Hearing Jane Siberry's "It Can't Rain All The Time"

It started yesterday, when events began to stumble over themselves, to leave me rather perplexed and overwhelmed...Nothing bad, just a reality check to once again remind me I have a mite too much on my plate these days. It began with a pot of boiling eggs on the stove in hopes of adding hard boiled eggs to the chef salad for tonight's dinner and it landslides into....sigh. Let's start over - I've been preoccupied lately, multitasking a little too much. I walked by those eggs several times on my way to the basement for laundry, again when I went to the bins of dry cat food to feed the outdoor cats, and yes - once again to sit on the side porch for a moment to clear my head.

Yet, somehow I totally disregarded the eggs until they literally exploded. Alarmed Pickles came into the room and persistently pulled on me, frightened. That was the first I was even aware of the eggs I had forgotten. Smoke was billowing in the kitchen; I dumped the rotten contents and tried to salvage the pan. Pickles ran to the basement door, she wanted to go down; somehow to her this was safety. I couldn't figure out why she was still distressed when I had found the problem. Then it dawned on me, the smoke alarm. Of course I couldn't hear it. I went and retrieved a small step ladder so I could reach the alarm and turn it off. Even standing under it, I seriously couldn't tell if it was truly going off. From Pickles reaction after I pushed the button it was obviously the point of her distress.

And there you have it in a nutshell a fine example of a working dog in action...not surprisingly she was trained with the smoke alarm upstairs to jump on the bed and alert me if it goes off. This was the first incident with it going off in another area of the house and she did her job perfectly. I'm however doing that thing, were you try to reach back and physically kick yourself in the ass. Yes, I know I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances but dammit I should be more on the ball than that. I know Pickles is there to help and guide me, it's still so frustrating and alarming not knowing the damn alarm was going off. All the years I lived alone dependent on my own senses and welfare. I'm just grateful I had the foresight and courage to realize I would need Pickles in my life to begin with.

That was one event...the other is another litter of kittens that was born this morning. I'm overwhelmed this is the 4th set of kittens I'm dealing with in a year. I'm the only hope these cats have, so I take a deep breathe and plow on. No! I don't keep cats around that are not fixed. When it's possible I trap the feral cats and get them taken care of. In the course of befriending the numerous strays that are abandoned around me, sometimes it's too late. Trust me I would rather have it not be, as it's twice the work and money on my plate. Not only do I get the mother fixed but I also make sure all the kittens get what needs to be done for them and re-homed. Having said that 2 litters within a few weeks of one another can be , is overwhelming. I do this all out of money from my own pocket...I'm most certainly NOT rich. What's the alternative? I leave the strays to produce over and over in my community and end up being put down in the end...Sigh, I'll do what I can and more somehow.

These cats didn't ask to be born, to be abandoned and neglected. I'm one person but dammit I'm going to try. Eventually all of this has to show for itself in one way or another. Ironically, today is Earth Day. Perhaps you won't find this the same but to me these creatures are part of the bigger picture as well. Needless to say, I'm back on break for a week or so. I have to find some saving grace, somehow to figure out the latest series of events. I would be lying if I didn't say it was discerning standing under the smoke alarm and not hearing it....Some days reality truly does suck. Till I next post, feel free to email me with anything you think I may need to know. I'm truly sorry to be taking a break yet again, my plate is truly full at the moment. From my spirit to yours, stay safe and loved - you remain in my thoughts.

People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes. All is a miracle. (Thich Nhat Hanh)

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9:57:54 PM EDT
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing Kansas "Dust In The Wind"

“Music is the language of the spirit." Kahlil Gibran

Welcome to the first edition of Sunday Rhapsody! Make yourself comfortable and prepare to take a journey within my soul, to feel and learn of a place in time I once knew...

Before I begin please let me explain why Sunday Rhapsody is being written for your enjoyment. So many of you my dearest friends have noticed from previous entries and the way I talk about music it was once a focal point in my life...Losing my hearing was to witness the death of a loving friend - My music. Most of you know my story of having grown up with a strict Pentecostal mother who didn't believe in the enjoyment of such frivolity, as well as my escape from abuse and imminent freedom at the young age of 16. Needless to say I had a lot of catching up to do and craved music like you wouldn't imagine. Every song, every nuance had meaning to me, each one became it's own memory of a time and place. I was fortunate to have 23 years of melody and cadence to feed my soul before the silence would befall me.

I haven't lost my sense of that beauty and ethereal elegance within me. Yes, these days I can no longer hear it physically; I can however remember and still from time to time peruse the lyrics to bring it back to me in some form. The idea of Sunday Rhapsody came to me when I shared a book of lyrics I had collected with a friend of mine...Each song represents something to me and I want to share the only way I know how in my silence those memories with you here in my journal. Each Sunday if you tune in to Raven's Lament you will get a chance to walk back down memory lane and a chance to listen to something special the way I once heard it (winks). As I share various songs I will try to give you a glimpse of where I was in my life and why this song speaks to my soul.

It's fitting that I begin this edition with the song "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas..."Dust in the Wind" was one of the very first songs I remember hearing after leaving home at 16. I'll share the lyrics then explain why it's my first choice:

I close my eyes,
only for a moment, and the moment's gone
All my dreams,
pass before my eyes, a curiosity

Dust in the wind,
all they are is dust in the wind

Same old song,
just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do,
crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind,
All we are is dust in the wind

(instrumental break)

Don't hang on,
nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away,
and all your money won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind,
All we are is dust in the wind
(All we are is dust in the wind)
Dust in the wind,
(Everything is dust in the wind)
Everything is dust in the wind

Beautiful isn't it? It made so much sense to me coming from a poor home struggling to survive alone on the streets. In the end all those who walked by me and sneered or pitied me, would be no more than I was at that moment. All the money and the riches in the world couldn't save you from the same end I will eventually find. Nothing separates us in the end, the color of our skin, wealth, strife, pain or joy; we all turn to dust and blow across the land mingled one with another - grains of sand. This song taught me to enjoy life to the fullest, to live each day as if it were my last.

There is a little more depth to this...Alas I will tell that story another time. Safe to say...someone dear to me used to open their door and give me refuge when I needed it most. There was always room on the couch and food in the fridge. I used to wake up to the melody of "Dust in the Wind", listening to the gentle strands being played on his guitar from another room, as he tried not to wake me...Sad to say he would die before I made it to 17. He's the epitome and sadness that comes with the beauty of these lyrics. And that my dear friends ends the first edition of "Sunday Rhapsody"...tune in next Sunday for another musical treat from my spirit to yours.

"Our lives are like a candle in the wind." Carl Sandburg

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10:26:11 PM EDT
Feeling Frustrated
Hearing Simon and Garfunkel's "The Sound of Silence"...

I remember hearing the warnings and thinking I had it down - no worries; I was good to go...Stubborn goes as stubborn goes. In an alternate reality I would of had all I needed to know about my impending deafness long before the final blow; I only wish that were true. Today I feel as if I'm venturing down those roads where you see a caution sign that says "Deaf Child Zone"...for in more ways than one, at times I'm a child learning all over again. Sigh...I'm going to chalk it up to a lesson learned. As for my anger and resentment at the moment, I'll let it simmer for awhile yet. Funny how I remember, "once upon a time" being able to leave everything behind at a moments notice; I could start over when things got too complicated. Fate or the devil changed the rules. I can't run from something that like it or not is a very real part of me. Apparently death thinks it's amusing for me to continue living with the silence as well, seeing as that attempt failed and I'm still in the land of the living (albeit a silent one).

No, this is not one of my inspiring - awe filled introspecting entries. This is me frustrated, angry and a little tired all wrapped in one; add in a little pain and you have a mix for an unpleasant personality these days. If anyone is wondering, when you go deaf you don't just instantly know how to live with the silence. You have to learn to communicate, to speak without hearing your own voice and most importantly...you get a first hand feeling of what it feels like to die each night you close your eyes. To me death is an empty vacuum with no sound, no sight or feeling; and that my friend describes what it's like when I close my eyes each night. I've learned to live with that aspect...I concentrate on my breathing, reminding myself - that is the echo of a living human being.

This latest reality is not amusing to me...quite frankly it's a side effect I thought would never happen. Apparently....(and yes, I have been aware of it for some time now) I haven't had a handle on the volume of my voice. How am I suppose to know being deaf? Believe it or not it's something I went to speech therapy for, to learn how my vocals responded to soft or loud noises. It's easy enough not to pay attention over time and forget something everyone else hears but you. That's nothing but an excuse....I should of been more conscientious and aware of the difference.

Truth of the matter is, I'm kicking myself in the ass for dropping the ball. It's quite possible over time, with continuous high volume speaking to strain and ruin your vocal chords. I was given advance notice from my speech therapist it could and would happen if I wasn't careful. One of the reasons a lot of times when you hear a deaf person speak they have gravelly , coarse voices almost as if they are croaking. If the painful throbbing, ache and itch at the back of my throat is any indication, I'm harming mine and it hurts like hell. I was fortunate enough that my speech therapist provided me with enough material to go back over what I had learned and try to get it right. If not...well I imagine I'll be going back to speech therapy.

I'm on a constant learning curve with my deafness. Make no mistake it's a whole lifestyle change and adjustment, no matter how you look at it. For now I'm not speaking a lot and trying to give my throat and vocals time to heal. I was so pissed this morning I picked up a cigarette and smoked, then I realized that wasn't going to help my situation any and haven't smoked anymore. It's been over 6 months to date I've been smoke free. Other than giving up the ghost of my voice, I have no choice but get this right. I've lost my hearing - I don't want to lose my ability to speak as well.  In the midst of my anger I came across a quote that calmed me and made me realize, life goes on - one way or another I still have a lot to be thankful for. Days like today it's far too easy to forget that simple lesson.

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for." Epicurus

Yeah, I'm an idiot at times...this too shall pass and I'll go on. Strange as it may seem, I have days I hate the one thing that provided peace in my life and gave me strength - my deafness. I just want to close the Pandora's box and get a grip on it, some sense of control. It's part of me now; it just seems I should be able to grasp my limitations and learn to live with them easier than I have thus far. It's a lesson in itself, we all have to learn to live with our limitations and appreciate what we do have. No matter who you are or where you are in life, I guarantee there is someone else worse off. I just needed to vent - get it out there in the open so I could deal with it. I have quite a few journals yet to visit, be patient with me - I will eventually get there. From my spirit to yours stay safe and loved....Indigo

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share...
And no one dare
Disturb the sound of silence. (Simon and Garfunkel's "The Sound of Silence")

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8:28:39 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing Tonic "The Lemon Parade"

I bend down to offer a Milkbone to Pickles, quiet - almost holding my breathe. This is one of those more delicate aspects of having a shelter dog, the earned trust...you may or may not have that privilege on any given day. Today...she looks up at me and takes it from my hand and goes off to enjoy her treat. I let out a silent contented breathe and smile, today is indeed a good day. It's taken time and patience for her to feel that safe. We've always had a connection due to her training but this goes so much deeper. This isn't something she was taught, her senses - her being is learning to trust me. I remember the first few months of her living with me, she would look down and pace if you offered her food from your hand. I'll never know how long she was abandoned, if it was before or during Katrina; she was definitely a Katrina rescue, one of too many left behind.

The signs of having lived on the streets are there, at times she will steal her food from her dish and take it somewhere else to eat. I've never hit her nor will I ever, yet you see the nervous duck when you reach to pet her, crouched shoulders,  expecting to be reprimanded. Pickles trust and devotion to me is humbling...oh so, very humbling. I never thought my greatest lessons would arrive by way of an animal messenger. (Smiles and shakes her head)...Yes, I should of known better if I truly listen to the legends of my own heritage.

A few friends have noticed and commented to me I seem quiet and reserved lately...That was insightful on their part, for in some ways I suppose I have been. Like Pickles I'm learning not to duck when a hand is held out in kindness. Some days it's an easy pill to swallow, others it's a learning curve. You look in the mirror and ask the reflection staring back, "Who are you now?". I have some clues on how to answer that question but for the most part I think I'm still searching to define me. Of course, I'm not saying I need a definition to explain my life now...just a tad more insight to where I'm heading. Overall it's not even something thatI believe will answer any of my questions. I rather like being an empty canvas; a blank page in a book waiting to be explored. Above all else is a new awareness - that of my own well being. For the first time in my life, I'm not covered in bruises, hung over, overworked or any of the other myriad ways I used to abuse my body and soul.

It's hard to explain...but there is a connection - a direct link to my body, mind and spirit. A complete aura of who I am that I can feel in every aspect of my being. I spent over 30 years trying to find some way to destroy - Me. I seem at odds to suddenly come to the understanding that what I am, who I am is far more than I ever grasped...on so many different levels. Perhaps, I finally understand what it means to be whole; a complete person in your experiences and personality. I would be lying if I said it wasn't frightening. For me fear and loathing were far easier beast to tame, than love and understanding of one self. I'm not even sure if this is making sense to anyone but me...words fail to explain in some form where I am in this latest depth of introspection.

Then again, it could be my age - wanting to take care of myself and those around me with a delicate wisdom and compassion...I watch with a light heart as one of the feral cats approaches Pickles and gently rubs against her; Pickles touches noses with the cat before she bounds off into the woods again. A cat that has yet to trust me it's human feeder, yet senses the safety and love in Pickles. She humbles me...life is humbling, we should never forget that simple lesson...

I wish I'd seen you as a little girl
Without your armor to fend off the world
I would have kept you underneath my wing
I would protect you from everything

Make way for the lemon parade  
Make way for my girl
Make way for the lemon parade
Make way for my girl

Did the boys all tease you when they had
the chance always left standing when it came time
to dance
Did you hide behind your books girl
Did you find your secret friends
Always I'll want you
Always 'till the end

Make way for the lemon parade
Make way for my girl
Make way for the lemon parade
Make way for my girl

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9:20:42 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'
Hearing The Who "Who Are You"...

Uncrosses eyes long enough to start typing...I don't normally do these (if your a long time reader of my journal you already know that - friends still like to make the exception with me, probably because they know they'll get away with it). Then again...I'm in a strange sort of mind these days, so when Theresa from "Remembering To Exhale"(private) tagged me, it was kind of a child's thought to hide out till this had passed (sticks tongue out at Theresa). Then I got another tag from Jan "Gryphondear's Word of the Day" . Like the little insolent child I can be I stomped my feet and said no way, I'm not it! (I didn't play well with others when I was little) Guess what? I'm it! (winks)....

So without further ado, here are the rules to the game: I'm skipping the rules (laughs insanely)! The short of it is I'm suppose to answer the following questions and choose 5 more to do the same....hmmm we shall see what comes of that...

1) What were you doing 10 years ago?

Ok, I already don't like this game anymore (smirks)...10 years ago I was in an extremely violent relationship that was just starting to show it's true colors, namely mine in blood and bruises. I had been divorced from my daughter's father for over a year and worked in my ex's family printing business. I had no life, outside of working and my daughter. Ten years ago defined the worst of who I was...yes, I am being brutally honest here.

2) What are 5 things on my to-do list today?

See there is a reason you wait till the weekend to do things like this...This counts as one. 2-Spend time with Pickles (my working dog), 3-Write a few long overdue letters, 4-Dinner (I'm cheating and getting a stomboli, no cooking), 5-Watch a few movie's I picked up

3) Snacks I enjoy:

Jalapeno chips using pineapple cottage cheese for a dip (don't mock it till you've tried it).

Seedless grapes

Mariani's Dried Tropical Fruits

Granny Smith Apple Chips (Another Dried Fruit)

Ice Cream Sandwiches (the kid in me will always enjoy these)

4) What would you do if you were a billionaire?

This question honestly- I don't see anyone being able to truly answer. Money changes people...I can dream of making sure there are more shelters for women of domestic abuse. Build more shelters to tak