Raven's Lament

Do you ever realize , the older you get the faster the days, years seem to go? I could swear I blinked and now Christmas is a week away. I'm usually like a little kid around the holidays.....somehow this year seems Blah!! Could be the lack of snow, I'm in NY for gosh sakes. I apologize for this next comment for those of you who don't like snow...NOT. I'm hoping for a White Christmas. It was so balmy out today I was running around in a hooded sweatshirt. It is the third week of Dec. right?? I miss Christmas music, songs. I think this time of the year is the hardest on me with my deafness. You don't realize how much you have Christmas music playing......many of us listen to it while we wrap presents, decorate the tree or just as background for family get togethers. It's even playing over the loud speakers while you shop. My favorite is The Little Drummer Boy. It was also the fav. of an uncle of mine who died in Vietnam.

You know the old saying you never know what you have till you lose it. I can honestly say , there is alot of truth in that statement. I once said that I wished I had never heard , then I wouldn't know what I was missing. I've come to terms with it now......If I had never heard I would of never known what words sound like to be able to have eloquent speech, heard someone say I love you!! for the first time, and most wonderful of all heard my daughter cry , or say mama. That last one might be a different story these days (Raises eyebrow).

I do  have a daughter - Amber Skye is 18 and in her first year of college at Delhi University in NY. She is studying to be a Veterinarian. Now from my experience there are 2 types of children of Disabled Parents. One type are the ones who grow up sympathetic and understanding toward thier parents disability. The second type are embarrassed and feel cheated having a disabled parent, lack patience and understanding. My daughter falls in the middle....at times she can be understanding, but often than not she doesn't have the patience to repeat what she says. I blame her father for her moodiness and lack of consideration those are his traits and he is my ex. I love my daughter and always will. I believe once she gets some time on her own in the outside world, perhaps she will grow up in some aspects.

I myself didn't have a.......great family life growing up. I left home when I was 16, but that's another story for another day, not around the holidays. But since my daughter was born I have tried to make my own wonderful holiday memories with her. Baking, singing Carols together. Each year we go searching for that perfect ornament together for her. She now has enough for her own tree when she leaves home. Her tree will be decorated with memories of each Christmas , each ornament was purchased.

Update on Pickles - Rather interesting to say the least. Yesterday (Sat.) was the last training session with her trainer before he flew back to Colorado. That session was in the local grocery store. Now everyone knows on weekends the grocery store is usually packed, imagine trying to push a cart with a dog on a leash beside you.......she was a little nervous. But all in all she was wonderful. I was so proud of her. When we went down an aisle and she couldn't fit next to the cart, I would say wait and she would step behind the cart with me till we passed and then move back to the side. I'm still amazed at the level of intense understanding that flows between us. The only drawback about the grocery store, was a few looks I got from other people. It wasn't just a look , it was menacing. They obviously detested the idea of a dog in the grocery store. For the most part people were rather understanding and just curious. For those who gave us dirty looks......I couldn't care less. When they walk in my shoes and have motion all around them without noise and say it's easy.....then they might be worth a listen. But I doubt anyone could fill my shoes, nor wish to if they could. Starting tomorrow I swear I'm going to get in the holiday mood. I have a week to build up my holiday spirit before Christmas Day. From my spirit to yours stay safe and loved.

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• #2 Comment from rebuketheworld 
  12/23/06 4:27 AM | Permalink

  Indigo, such a powerful entry. I can not imagine. Is their any hope for future surgery or something? I do not know but what about transplants? I am sorry if I sound ignorant but wanted to ask. How old is your daughter? So much of our childrens selfishness is also age related. She is seeded with good memories through her mother and they will flourish in time. Moving out at 16 must have been hard. I had a great mother and a horrible father somehow I came through OK, with the exception of recent trials....When you were talking about the those who are irritated, I am glad to know that you can blow that off. People like that can not feel outside of themselves. They are the Self-indulgent and are self-preserved as old and harden. Well, I am off, look forward to coming back and reading more. ~Raven
• #1 Comment from cacklinrosie101 
  12/18/06 11:01 AM | Permalink

  You do have a beautiful spirit.  It would have to be more than unbearable to know what something is like and lose it.  I'm not sure at all how I would deal with losing sight or sound.  Teens are teens.  I have two daughters; one 25 and one 20.  I think most will accept at times and at other times be resentful of everything.  That's those hormones pumping. I also have a 23 year old son.  I think boys are much easier on their mama's than girls.  Amber Skye is such a beautiful name.  I think a lot of people are going through the blah's right now.  I'm in Pa. and the weather is far too balmy for December.  I'm so glad you and Pickles are adjusting so well.  Hugs to you, Chris