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Feeling Quiet
A Look Back on My Life Part 2
For those who are just seeing this entry, you might want to read the one prior to this one so the story unfolds in order for you. When I last left off , I realized the only one who was going to save me , was me. So it's no surprise that I started to run away at the age of 15. After being caught twice, my mother decieded I needed to learn a lesson. I was put in juvie for a few months. Anyone that has ever been sent to juvie, could well tell you, if there was something you didn't know about, you where in the right place to learn. It was there that I discovered if I could get far enough away from my mother, get a job and put myself in school. I would be home free, my mother wouldn't be able to touch me. As my 16th Birthday rolled around , I had been working in the fields for a month and a half. I didn't go work the fields that day.....I had hair that was past my thighs, I braided it, then took a pair of scissors and cut the braid off at my neck. I left the braid for my mother. If you know anything about indian culture, it is often a custom to cut your hair when your in mourning. It was my way of telling my mother it was the end. I hitchhiked to the nearest bus-stop and brought a one way ticket as far as my money would go. I would still be in Fla. but no where near home. I got off the bus and had a job working nights in a diner that very day. The next day I went to the local school and told them my records would be forwarded to them and enrolled. I was truly alone in the world, but I was free.
I never returned home again, my mother did catch up to me, but after I talked to John, she let me go. What did I say to John? Up to this point he had never laid a hand on my sisters........I told him if he left them alone, I wouldn't go to the police, his secret was safe with me. Remember me telling you we moved around alot that first year. He was scared of the cops. I never went home again, but I kept tabs on my sisters 3 of them and my 2 brothers. Holly, Johnnie, Fawn the girls and Joshua all became deaf as well. But within a few years of me leaving home John died. My mother finally stepped up to the plate all the other kids went to a school for the deaf. All went on to have fulfilling lives. So why havn't I ever returned. Hmmmm........the other kids never knew the life I did. They thought thier dad John was a good man. I made the choice I did to protect them, I will not be the one to take away any good memories they have. I don't really know if anyone can understand my reasoning but that was the choice I made.
From 16-18 I ended up in alot of trouble drugs, alcohol, you name it. I had so much pain and nothing seemed to bury it deep enough. I still worked, stayed in school. Those two things were my only constants. At 18 I went to visit my grandmother on my mom's side in the hospital after she had a heart attack. She couldn't stop apologizing to me for not being able to save me. Then she told me a horrible truth........apparently my mom knew John , from a factory she used to work for. She was married to my dad at the time, and constantly talked about a John she worked for. She needed a firstborn boy to convince John to stay, instead of leaving. John was my real father. I was able to accept a stranger doing what he did to me.....but to find it had been my own father all along. I ended up having a nervous breakdown and ended up in a detox , rehab center.
I came to NY. after that looking for the man I knew as my father, not John. I guess in my mind I couldn't accept that truth. My dad met me as I was getting off the plane and the first thing he said was "How damn much I look like my mom". I tried working things out with him for 3 months and moved out on my own. Perhaps he knew the truth about my parentage, I'll never know for sure. To try to tie this up a little quicker, I've never really trusted men. I've been married and divorced twice. Although I was street wise. For some reason I could never defend myself against someone who said they loved me. My first husband put me in a coma, they didn't think I was going to wake up. There wasn't one part of my body that wasn't bruised, bloodied or broken. I survived ...
Surviving is only half of it. That beating disfigured my face. I look like someone entirely different. But I'm still attractive. I just see a strangers face sometimes when I look in the mirror. My second husband, my daughter father, wasn't physically abusive, but abusive no the less, He was an emotional roller coaster that struck at my confidence, self-image, self worth on a daily basis. Even though I was working full time , sometimes 60 hr weeks, taking care of Amber, and keeping a spot less house, including fixing all the meals etc. I couldnt do enough or be good enough for him. After the divorce I continued my streak of having an abusive man in my life. I seemed to need the physical abuse, harsh as that might sound.
Forward to 4 years later. Alot of therapy.....I learned that because I never made my stepfather pay for what he did to me. I would seek out abusive men , so I would always need to stand up for myself or fight to survive. All in all I came close to dying at the minimum 3 different times. I now have a good man in my life and he accepts me as I am. I have nothing to prove......And most of all I can say I survived , I may of went to hell and back, but I never forgot how to care, how to love. I have so much compassion and empathy for others it's amazing. Yeah, I'm deaf, but most of all I'm human. I'm not defined by my mistakes or by my disability. Love You all !! From my spirit to yours Indigo.
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Indigo....God has His reasons for why you have survived all of this! I am happy to hear that you now have someone that isn't abusing you. I also went to drinking and did pot for awhile, and went to a physchyatrist that had me quite school, put me in a mental ward, and all other kinds of things! I didn't know which way was up or down. You are a true fighter and a surviver! :o) Hugs to you! :o)
Lisa
http://journals.aol.com/seraphoflove9001/Pleasedonttakelife forgranted/ -
It always amazes me how someone that comes from such a horrible background, manages to pull themselves up out of the pits of despair, and move forward instead of backward. It took you two marriages and far too much abuse to get there, but you did get there. Being deaf does not define who you are. It's that loving spirit, and kind gentle heart that shouts out your identity to the world.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm looking forward to more entries from you..
Jackie
http://journals.aol.com/siennastarr/Hopefloats/ -
My heart is with you. I too have felt the hands of abuse. Seems like you've done an excellent job of holding the pieces, together. I've often heard, "That which does not kill you, makes you stronger" and I feel the strength in you. My prayers are with you. Barb
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I `m visiting your journal via Andy who recommended you. I`ll be back another time to read more as I throroughly enjoyed it, though it must have been very hard for you to write. I`m looking forward to hearing more about Pickles too.
Sandra xxxx
http://journals.aol.com/labdancer51/SandrasScribbles/
2/23/07 3:41 PM
It's an honour to be part of your life, although it is only online.
You've come through all of that, and still kept yourself intact. By that, I mean you're a joy to know, lovely, honest, but most of all, a true friend.
Love you hun, don't ever forget that, and thank you for allowing me to know these things!
*Biiig Hugs*
Love Ste
xxxxx