Raven's Lament

Wealthy the spirit that knows its
own flight
Stealthy the hunter who slays
his own fright
Blessed the traveler who journeys
the length of the light- Dan Fogelburg "The Nexus"

Sometimes we see an end without reason, a season without change.....a question of who you are without answers. And so it almost came to pass the end of Raven's Lament.....

My slow dwindle into despair has been with me almost since the beginning. Yes, I've changed and come to a crossroads of some form of acceptance. But always the mask remains on, for fear of what I will see in the mirror. It's almost amusing to me that I had no fear of the vision that used to stare back at me; the one with busted lips and black eyes. Yet I fear who I am now more than I ever did then.......

In some distorted way I understood the violence that befell me daily. I recognized the men behind the fist and angry retorts. I don't recognize who I am in my deafness, nor can I lay claim to being knowledgeable about where my journey is taking me. I fear this part of my life in ways I never imagined fearing the pain and sorrow I've already lived. Somehow to me this is so much smaller, yet it encompasses and buries me under it's weight to the point of strangling who I am. Such a simple thing to hear......my life is more complicated than ever before in all it's simplicity.

I hear hearts, words in gestures and movements. A simple grace of elegance I would give back in but a moment of indecision. I would give days, years to have my silence lifted for a mere few hours. I fail myself in so many ways. I'm pondering where my courage has taken flight to. When does my wrong become a right?......How easy to love the person with words a plenty, when you never see the countenance of despair behind the words themselves.

I can't look in the mirror, because I don't recognize this fear.......you can't win a battle with something you can't see. The reality is: All my battles in life I had half a chance of at least coming out ahead. I could see the other side of the war and my chances of defeat or survival. I've fought all my life to win this battle with my hearing impairment, to lose hopelessly with no chance of ever redeeming my loss. The truth of the matter is I fought bravely for something I could never hope to win and I can't stomach the taste of defeat.

I had a habit of running when things became too complicated (Trying not to laugh here). No matter where I go or how far I run this I can never escape. So instead of drowning , I'm writing, emptying out the pain somewhere. So for now at least Raven's Lament continues onward. I don't know what to say, so I don't expect alot from anyone else right now. Three simple words are enough when you don't know what to say to someone who is hurting: I am here. Sometimes that alone makes all the difference in the world - knowing your not alone.......

Tomorrow heralds my third Anniversary of what I despise the most about myself. After I get through this day, I'll come back in one piece or another and begin to sort through alerts once again. For everyone who has a question to how this journey began and the meaning of tomorrow's date simply click on these words > January 8th an Anniversary of Sorts. Hopefully any questions anyone ever had about my hearing deficiency can be answered therein......There is no cure, no more doctors, nor another hearing aide....my deafness is the final nail in that coffin.....

I leave you with the words of Susan Raven's "Glittering Cities"....for me it's an elegant conclusion......One more writing, one more stepping stone on a journey I didn't foresee.....

In the sand of a desert that once was a sea
The wind carves a tale for those who want to be
Awakened to a mystery
And far in the reaches of the midnight blue
A flame that connects in the heart of me and you
Now I see we're going to
Somewhere between the dark and light
A doorway opens in for a solitary flight
And then it's round the river bend
Where I saw the glittering cities I know they are there
They radiate in splendour woven in the air
And when I rise into their realm among the stars in the sky
No more to reason why......
I know I am alive
See your base metal melt to a beaten gold
And a land we've forgotten will soon unfold
This your vision to behold
So long left in darkness where only a few
Could light up a flare for the infinite view
Now I see we're going through
Somewhere between the dark and light
A doorway opens in for a solitary flight
And then it's round the river bend
Where I saw the glittering cities I know they are there
They radiate in splendour woven in the air
And when I rise into their realm among the stars in the sky
No more to reason why......
I know I am alive
Meanwhile back at home it rains
Another brick has hit my window pane
And the sirens won't stop the air is thick and hot
My heart is heavy with memories of pain
Connect me here and now to the flame.....
You see the glittering cities you know they are there
They radiate in splendour woven in the air
And when you rise into their realm among the stars in the sky
No more to reason why......
Just know you are alive

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• #41 Comment from tamarac01 
  1/12/08 9:29 PM | Permalink

  You hang in there Girl.  This vehicle just may be your thread that holds tight.  
• #40 Comment from cacklinrosie101 
  1/12/08 1:35 PM | Permalink

  I am here.....Chris
• #39 Comment from jmoqueen 
  1/11/08 5:10 PM | Permalink

  You are not defeated ~ you are a wonderful person with an amazing strength.  You may feel defeated but i think you are winning in other ways ;-)  Hugs to you Indigo and I am here for you my friend xx
  
  Jenny
  
  http://journals.aol.co.uk/Jmoqueen/MyLife
• #38 Comment from gapurplescorpion 
  1/9/08 8:41 PM | Permalink

  I am here.  Your words left in response to my journal have given me so much.  To never read what you write would leave an emptiness, losing a friend.  Too much loss in this world.  We all have our struggles, our demons, our dark days when nothing seems worth it, when we wonder why we are even here and the darkness drags the day on forever until madness presses on our souls.  But, we are here.  We are strength for one another, and if you have nothing else you have that.  Doc, and all of us, we care about you.  Your sadness, the hopelessness, wells my eyes with tears because I can't do more than just post here and hope it matters.  
    You matter.  To us, you are important.  I may never have the privilege of meeting you face to face, but at times I feel closer to you and understand you more than I do people I see every day.  I can feel your fear, because I will face it myself.  When I see someone as strong as you who has endured so much struggling, I feel fear.  
     Just remember, I am here.
  
            Joyce
• #37 Comment from suzypwr 
  1/9/08 7:21 PM | Permalink

  I can relate to the ringing - I have had it most of my life, along with a sort of waterfall sound? Hard to explain. It's awful, I agree with that!
  
  I am sorry you lost your hearing and I hope you can work through the grief of your loss one of these days and come to understand that you are still a wonderful woman with much to love in life. I truly do. The thought of losing hearing is terrifying, for sure. The pain you had sounds tremendous.
  
  But - are you positive that some day technology might not have something for you? Medical advancements are so fast these days. Maybe. Some day? In some way we can't even imagine right now?
  
  xoxo