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6:36:00 PM EDT
Hearing (Sometimes words are enough)
"Emergence"
When I saw the first signs of the cocoon she was wrapping herself in, I never imagined I had anything to fear. I continued to be there for her, to encourage her in whatever manner I could. What I didn't fathom in my wildest dreams....was her cocoon entrapping her so tight; tight enough that my words and emotions would simply bounce against the surface, sliding away as if they never were. Entwined in the lining of this space she had escaped to was, veins of self loathing, hatred for me, confusion, and turmoil. Soon she would be entirely enclosed within this womb...and I was lost - dumbfounded as to how to reach her. I screamed and raged against this abnormality that wouldn't let me reach her, comfort her.
Pounding away, ripping huge pieces asunder, tearing whatever I could to reach in and let her know I was still there. For all my efforts she would push me away and silently repair the empty space I had left with her unbalanced emotions, acting as if I had desecrated something holy to her. Over time I began to despair...disenchanted by the possibility of what would emerge from this bitter confinement. Try as I might I couldn't eradicate this cocoon, it seemed as if it would always serve to separate us. How could I wage a war that couldn't be won against her entitlement, her destitute behavior of being absolute; she acted as if nothing else mattered. Perhaps a small voice in me decried, it's not a war she wishes, but space, time to unravel her confusion.
The woman that I was, refused to give up on this child of mine...I stepped back and watched this wall of refusal, "sigh" in relief. I wouldn't abandon her - I couldn't. In quiet revere I waited with bated breathe, hoping, praying to whatever deity was listening, "Don't let me lose her, don't let this be the end of her - us". As I once did when she was a mere fetus in my womb, I talked to her in quiet whispers, encouraging her, telling her she was loved. A few times I heard her protest and taunt me from the other side of her tightly wrapped encumbrance, "I hate you! Why don't you leave", she hissed. With silent tears I held my ground and caressed the cocoon and whispered, "I'll never abandon you, I can't - you see, I will always be your mother"...The cocoon began to turn a molten black as if it was beginning to decay. I could hear her protest and moaning inside that it wasn't so. Leaning close to try in vain to hear her thoughts and understand, I feel her beat against my silhouette. Yet again I withdraw and wait for what seems to be a lifetime within a few years.
Over time, I begin to grow weary, frightful for the outcome of my daughter's emergence. My voice has fallen silent, leaving me remorseful and feeling as though I've failed. The Silence is deadening...I fear I've lost this battle. I haven't heard anything, nor sensed movement from within her enclosure. Questions begin to surface and batter me senseless, questions of where did I go wrong, did I love her enough, do enough...I'm losing faith in the very thing my daughter needs most, me! I lean against her cocoon hoping she sees my shadow, wrapping my arms around it as I whisper, "I still love you, I haven't given up." I wish that had been enough, but it would take another year before she emerged. Tears stream down my face as I speak, "She's beautiful! Her soul and energy are nourished and growing." She told me a few days ago,"I always knew you were there, I never understood why you stayed...but thanks for not giving up on me." I can't think of anything more beautiful, than watching your child's emergence from the cocoon of self doubt and hatred into a wonderful adult. An adult I'm finding the utmost pleasure in getting to know.
When Judith first suggest the topic "Emergence" for the Artsy Essay Contest this month (There is still time to enter, simply follow the link for the rules)....This is what came to mind. I'm enchanted watching the changes within my daughter take place before my eyes. The more time I spend with her these days, the more I see pieces of me in her. (Getting a little choked up here) It's what every parent wishes, to see the child emerge into the adult they will become with their own indivuality - with a little of the best parts of who we are sprinkled in for good measure. I wish this beauty and peace for all parents. Trust me, eventually your love and patience will win out. I'm not just the storyteller - I'm speaking from experience. Stay safe and loved my dear friends.
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This is a beautiful essay which is heart felt and pertinent to many of us. My daughter has been distant from me for a long time, as though holding me at bay, but she always shows signs of missing me even while I am still alive. My son Raymond however reports weeping at the thought of me leaving the earth. I try to connect as much as I can while still here. Gerry http://journals.aol.com/gehi6
/daughters-of-the-shadow-men/ -
Well done Indigo...I new you would! It is very well deserved and such a well written piece of work.
Hugs
Jeanie xxxx -
Congrats! Wonderful Wonderful and welcome to the fold of 2x Winners!
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Congrats on your win! I really thought this was a wonderful piece! ~Colleen :) http://daily-ponderings.blogs
pot.com
4/8/08 3:07 AM
Love,
Jamie