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7:28:00 PM EDT
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing It's My Life by Bon Jovi
I'll never let this feeling go....
I couldn't sit still in the hard aluminum chair, my nerves were on edge. Soon it would be my turn to introduce myself and say that word...I couldn't even grasp the concept within my thoughts, how was I suppose to open my mouth and let it escape? There were 10 people in attendance in the meeting, strangers all but one. Then before I knew it, all eyes were on me waiting patiently for me to introduce myself.."My name is Indigo and I'm (long drawn out pause), I'm an alcoholic". The tears fell as I tried to explain why I was there and comment on the topic of the meeting that morning Acceptance. That would turn out to be the first of many AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings that first year for me. Today I still struggle to say those words in definition to who I am. However I don't kid myself, I am an Alcoholic and can never again drink. That word - that choice defined 22 years of my life. April 25th marks my 4th sobriety anniversary.
I wish I could say it's been an easy journey since that first day of admitting I had a problem and needed help but it would serve no purpose to sugar coat it for myself or anyone else. Without the alcohol I had no way to drown, to hide from myself and a life that I admittedly couldn't handle without a crutch. Oh, there are a myriad of excuses for the abuse of this disease that come readily to mind - a hard life, abuse (domestic and childhood), fear, it didn't interfere with my job...Anyone who has been where I've been could easily add to that list. How many times do you find yourself saying, "I could use a drink" after dealing with a hard day, task, situation? I still have days that thought comes readily to the forefront. I had that thought for 22 years, it's not going to disappear overnight or even 4 years later. My reality is ever present in my life, in that same thought of "I could use a drink", comes another right on it's heels....the knowledge that it would never stop with one drink and ... trust me on this one - "if I ever drank again it would kill me". There used to be a day not too long ago, I would of been fine with that reality. I didn't want to live anyway....
No, that wouldn't of been the alcohol talking either. I truly hated myself in more ways than one. At the time I couldn't see a way out of the life I was living. My choices (yes, that's right it was a choice - seemed to take me forever to understand that concept) of abusive partners, running from my past, my impending deafness (I was a year away from losing all my hearing) accelerated into a downward slope that I wasn't able to backpedal away from; add the alcohol and my feet began to slide right out from under me. As long as I drank those moments I was alone, my demons were almost non-existent. My mind was never allowed to be coherent long enough to deal with them and put those haunting memories in some kind of perspective. I'm still not sure how I came to the realization that I needed help. Does it really matter? I think you get to a place in your life your either going to make an effort to save yourself or finish what you started. Perhaps I woke up one day and just realized if anyone was going to save me, it had to be me...
Four years later, I Am a better person! Accepting the fact I'm an alcoholic was no easier than dealing with those ghost I still deal with...yet I've found a middle ground somewhere in the midst of it all. It will always be a part of who I am. Does it define me? Not anymore. A popular saying among AA members is "one day at a time"...and so it goes. I've come a long way from the woman I was a few years ago. Today I've helped more women than I can keep track of deal with their own domestic abuse, childhood horrors...actually the proper terminology would be I've helped them help themselves. I don't see myself surviving those first years of my deafness as an alcoholic, that tool would of definitely given me reason to end myself. As it is I went on to lose the last of my hearing a mere few months after my first sober anniversary. So what did I get out of it? I'm kinder, more compassionate with myself and those around me. I've learned to deal with those demons one on one...and when I find I can't..I've learned to leave it for a day I can. Nothing in this life will ever be worth the price of drowning ever again.
This year for the first time in a long time...I'm proud of where I am and at peace with my choices. April 25th will always remind me of something kind of wonderful, albeit it's also a reminder of what it took to get to that place...the loss, a lot of ugliness. This year I wanted to write this little dedication a little earlier, because when April 25th rolls around, I plan on celebration in the only way I know how....celebrating the life around me, in the woods of my heart. It's kind of funny in a way but I'm seriously ok with the fact I'm an alcoholic...(smiling) probably because you won't find a drink in this alcoholics hand. From my spirit to yours stay safe and loved...there is far too much life to be lived - not to.
It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway (Bon Jovi)
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I am so happy you have found this recovery. I wish my sister and brother had. It is however what keeps me from falling prey to it. The fact that my sister and brother have been a slave to it helps me to stay strong against it. I know I could very easily become an alcoholic if I left myself to my own devices and allowed myself to indulge in the drowning. Instead, I enjoy the oaccassional escape simply as a pleasure, without becoming a slave or habitual in anyway. I think moslty this is because of the example of what my life would be like if I chose the path of no return.
~Rosemary -
I'm so glad you found your way! I just wish everyone who was in bondage to alcohol could do the same. - Barbara
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Happy Anniversary, and may you have many, many more :-)
xoxo -
This was a great post. Thank you for sharing such personal thoughts with us. You are to be commended and admired for your strength in having accomplished four years of sobriety.
Lori
http://journals.aol.com/helmswondermom/DustyPages/
4/22/08 6:01 PM
Many blessings to you!!
Gillie
http://journals.aol.com/ekgil