Guilt Free Breathing

These past few months I've been feeling overwhelmed and somewhat incomplete. I was fighting to just find space to relax - to breathe. Without a doubt I have a few bad habits I need to break. One of those habits is stretching myself thin trying to be there for everyone and do it all, add in my impatience for results and lack of general quietude...it's a rough mix to say the least. I'm one of those people who will forever feel I haven't done enough or give enough of myself. Trust me - I have a lot of years of debt to repay to balance out an otherwise inadequate life. I don't expect anyone to agree with me on that last statement. It's something I have promised myself upon surviving the last battle I fought with trying to keep my sanity in check. Without a doubt I've made some foolish mistakes, I won't elaborate nor will I punish myself for those mistakes...but I will however use what I've learned to try to re-balance my life and better the odds for someone else. Am I asking too much of myself at times? Perhaps.

Having my mind turn these thoughts over and over lately, it became overwhelming trying to figure out how much more I could take on; then I received something in my email from a good friend of mine (Jim who writes in the journal "The Gray Epee" ), which made me stop and actually pause the whirlwind storming through my mind, in order to grasp what I was reading. What I read registered...yet it would be a few days before I realized the depth of what I had read. I can't thank Jim enough, his timing was perfect! I needed to read those words and seriously take them to heart. The following is an excerpt that he had sent to me:

The Star Thrower (by Loren Eiseley)

One day, a man was walking along the shore. As he looked down the beach, he saw a young person reaching down to the sand, picking up something and very gently throwing it back into the sea. As he got closer, he called out, “Good morning! What are you doing?”

The young person paused, looked up and replied, “Throwing starfish into the sea.”

“Why are you throwing starfish into the sea?” he asked.

“The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in they’ll die.”

“But, don’t you realize that there are miles of beach here and starfish all along it. You can’t possibly make a difference!”

The young person listened politely. Then knelt down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves and said, “Made a difference to this one.”

Amazing isn't it? I don't need to try to save the world or make a difference for everyone. As long as I'm making an effort to do what I can, when I can, I'm still making a difference to someone, somewhere. It's really profound if you think about it...how many of us take on too much and in the end accomplish very little or feel as if it wasn't enough? Do we stop and think of what we have done and to consider every little bit helps and makes a difference in some form or another? For those who live selfish lives and have nothing to give - yes, you do need to make a difference for someone other than yourself. Time cost absolutely nothing, kindness, compassion even less when given freely. To those of us who tend to take on the world, let someone else help hold up that burden once in awhile, your not infallible. If you become overwhelmed and stressed out...you won't be able to help even one. I'm a harsh enough judge of my own fallacy without sitting here in judgement of anyone else. You know how much you can do to help make the world a little bit better. Your also aware of your own limitations were someone might not be.

Jim provided me with an epiphany...I'm more conscientious of taking on too much, yet somehow it's my failed logic to always think it may not be enough. I need to concentrate on a hard earned lesson in AA, one day at a time. If you just take and accomplish what you can within each day, it will add up over time. Will I ever find the balance to my own life? I seriously doubt it but I will strive to try all the rest of my days. It's nice to know I have friends to remind me once in awhile, to pause and reflect - making sure I'm not wandering aimlessly off course. From my spirit to yours stay safe and loved always!

How many years can a mountain exist
Before it's washed to the sea?
Yes, 'n' how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, 'n' how many times can a man turn his head,
Pretending he just doesn't see?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Tags: Blogplugs, Guilt free breathing, Too Much, Too Little, AA

Written by rdautumnsage Blog about this entry

This entry has 52 comments: (Add your own)

#52 Comment from ekgillen
4/22/08 6:08 PM | Permalink

What a great entry! This is something I have been working on teaching my son about. The school is doing a big Earth Day push right now and he gets so frustrated now when he sees waste or people doing something "un-green". He is also very concerned about "big picture" problems in general. We have had many a discussion on what we're doing at home and he focuses on on what we're not doing. We are working on it and I have explained that ANYTHING is better than doing nothing and you have to take it one day at a time. You have to start small before you can go big!
Okay~now I'm rambling!!
((HUGS))
Gillie
http://journals.aol.com/ekgillen/Gillie/
#51 Comment from kentjamesr
4/20/08 9:06 AM | Permalink

Cool!

Glad I could help.

I am also enough of a spoiled brat to like it when I get attention. : )
#50 Comment from cyn4mc2856
4/19/08 9:19 AM | Permalink

So many of your posts reflect my own "story".

It's extremely difficult to learn to say "no" and not take on more and more. As we heap upon ourselves the trials of our loved ones, as well as our own...we end up short changing everyone. We're exhausted from the tailspin we put our minds, and bodies into...and we are then unable to give of ourselves, or assist with the very problems that have been brought before us. For some of us, who definitely live within our own thoughts/minds, we're forever wanting to flee the "insanity" of life being too much. Yes, sanity tells us should we run...so to will those trials [run with us]; yet, that doesn't stop the desire to try and evade the feeling of the "walls closing in".

The word "NO" is not ugly/mean/uncaring, when it is used as a means of self-preservation. We must realize that it's "okay" to be selfish in the aspect of maintaining sanity, quality of life and happiness. Being selfish in this manner does NOT exclude our loved ones from our lives, it gives us the energy to love them, to live life, to care, to be who we are, and are meant to be.

Cindy
#49 Comment from bojgill4375
4/18/08 11:43 PM | Permalink

Hmmm good entry for me tonight... feeling a little overwhelmed tonight and no one seems to care. lol Thank you for sharing. Hugs, Janie
#48 Comment from suzypwr
4/17/08 2:43 PM | Permalink

Always have to take care of yourself first or you are no good to anyone else at all - nice entry :-)

xoxo

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Guilt Free Breathing