Raven's Lament

I bend down to offer a Milkbone to Pickles, quiet - almost holding my breathe. This is one of those more delicate aspects of having a shelter dog, the earned trust...you may or may not have that privilege on any given day. Today...she looks up at me and takes it from my hand and goes off to enjoy her treat. I let out a silent contented breathe and smile, today is indeed a good day. It's taken time and patience for her to feel that safe. We've always had a connection due to her training but this goes so much deeper. This isn't something she was taught, her senses - her being is learning to trust me. I remember the first few months of her living with me, she would look down and pace if you offered her food from your hand. I'll never know how long she was abandoned, if it was before or during Katrina; she was definitely a Katrina rescue, one of too many left behind.

The signs of having lived on the streets are there, at times she will steal her food from her dish and take it somewhere else to eat. I've never hit her nor will I ever, yet you see the nervous duck when you reach to pet her, crouched shoulders,  expecting to be reprimanded. Pickles trust and devotion to me is humbling...oh so, very humbling. I never thought my greatest lessons would arrive by way of an animal messenger. (Smiles and shakes her head)...Yes, I should of known better if I truly listen to the legends of my own heritage.

A few friends have noticed and commented to me I seem quiet and reserved lately...That was insightful on their part, for in some ways I suppose I have been. Like Pickles I'm learning not to duck when a hand is held out in kindness. Some days it's an easy pill to swallow, others it's a learning curve. You look in the mirror and ask the reflection staring back, "Who are you now?". I have some clues on how to answer that question but for the most part I think I'm still searching to define me. Of course, I'm not saying I need a definition to explain my life now...just a tad more insight to where I'm heading. Overall it's not even something thatI believe will answer any of my questions. I rather like being an empty canvas; a blank page in a book waiting to be explored. Above all else is a new awareness - that of my own well being. For the first time in my life, I'm not covered in bruises, hung over, overworked or any of the other myriad ways I used to abuse my body and soul.

It's hard to explain...but there is a connection - a direct link to my body, mind and spirit. A complete aura of who I am that I can feel in every aspect of my being. I spent over 30 years trying to find some way to destroy - Me. I seem at odds to suddenly come to the understanding that what I am, who I am is far more than I ever grasped...on so many different levels. Perhaps, I finally understand what it means to be whole; a complete person in your experiences and personality. I would be lying if I said it wasn't frightening. For me fear and loathing were far easier beast to tame, than love and understanding of one self. I'm not even sure if this is making sense to anyone but me...words fail to explain in some form where I am in this latest depth of introspection.

Then again, it could be my age - wanting to take care of myself and those around me with a delicate wisdom and compassion...I watch with a light heart as one of the feral cats approaches Pickles and gently rubs against her; Pickles touches noses with the cat before she bounds off into the woods again. A cat that has yet to trust me it's human feeder, yet senses the safety and love in Pickles. She humbles me...life is humbling, we should never forget that simple lesson...

I wish I'd seen you as a little girl
Without your armor to fend off the world
I would have kept you underneath my wing
I would protect you from everything

Make way for the lemon parade  
Make way for my girl
Make way for the lemon parade
Make way for my girl

Did the boys all tease you when they had
the chance always left standing when it came time
to dance
Did you hide behind your books girl
Did you find your secret friends
Always I'll want you
Always 'till the end

Make way for the lemon parade
Make way for my girl
Make way for the lemon parade
Make way for my girl

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• #48 Comment from fowfies 
  4/29/08 10:54 AM | Permalink

  There is nothing like a dog. They have a spirit all their own. I hope Pickles will get past the fears that haunt her. It sounds like you are getting past some things too, and moving in a positive direction. :) I am glad to hear it. Hugs, Kelly
• #47 Comment from suzypwr 
  4/23/08 9:07 PM | Permalink

  Nothing compares to the devotion of a dog - even if it's a little edgy about it :-)
  
  xoxo
• #46 Comment from ekgillen 
  4/22/08 6:14 PM | Permalink

  It is an amazing and humbling experience to receive that love and trust from any animal!  Pickles is lucky to have you and your patience!!
  Gillie
  http://journals.aol.com/ekgillen/Gillie/
• #45 Comment from grofsand 
  4/21/08 8:05 AM | Permalink

  Beautifully written entry~~~ I am provoked to ask...Imagine if on our 12th birthday we were infused with all the answers about life...what our own distinct purpose was, what our own desires were, and what it is that we should hold dear to our heart??
  ...We would be stripped of our enormous sense of exploring life, experiencing it and extrapolating a meaning!....
  ... I hope I never look in that mirror and not question who I am or what I have done or where I am heading....or as you so eloquently expressed..being an empty canvas, an empty page ready for for the next brush stroke or written words....
  
  here lies another fine page in your book!
  
  Peace and Harmony...Marc :)
• #44 Comment from jeadie05 
  4/20/08 9:16 AM | Permalink

  I read this with a lump in my throat ,Pickles and you have taken a journey together ,Bless you both ...love Jan xx