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10:26:00 PM EDT
Feeling Frustrated
Hearing Simon and Garfunkel's "The Sound of Silence"...
Reality Bites
I remember hearing the warnings and thinking I had it down - no worries; I was good to go...Stubborn goes as stubborn goes. In an alternate reality I would of had all I needed to know about my impending deafness long before the final blow; I only wish that were true. Today I feel as if I'm venturing down those roads where you see a caution sign that says "Deaf Child Zone"...for in more ways than one, at times I'm a child learning all over again. Sigh...I'm going to chalk it up to a lesson learned. As for my anger and resentment at the moment, I'll let it simmer for awhile yet. Funny how I remember, "once upon a time" being able to leave everything behind at a moments notice; I could start over when things got too complicated. Fate or the devil changed the rules. I can't run from something that like it or not is a very real part of me. Apparently death thinks it's amusing for me to continue living with the silence as well, seeing as that attempt failed and I'm still in the land of the living (albeit a silent one).
No, this is not one of my inspiring - awe filled introspecting entries. This is me frustrated, angry and a little tired all wrapped in one; add in a little pain and you have a mix for an unpleasant personality these days. If anyone is wondering, when you go deaf you don't just instantly know how to live with the silence. You have to learn to communicate, to speak without hearing your own voice and most importantly...you get a first hand feeling of what it feels like to die each night you close your eyes. To me death is an empty vacuum with no sound, no sight or feeling; and that my friend describes what it's like when I close my eyes each night. I've learned to live with that aspect...I concentrate on my breathing, reminding myself - that is the echo of a living human being.
This latest reality is not amusing to me...quite frankly it's a side effect I thought would never happen. Apparently....(and yes, I have been aware of it for some time now) I haven't had a handle on the volume of my voice. How am I suppose to know being deaf? Believe it or not it's something I went to speech therapy for, to learn how my vocals responded to soft or loud noises. It's easy enough not to pay attention over time and forget something everyone else hears but you. That's nothing but an excuse....I should of been more conscientious and aware of the difference.
Truth of the matter is, I'm kicking myself in the ass for dropping the ball. It's quite possible over time, with continuous high volume speaking to strain and ruin your vocal chords. I was given advance notice from my speech therapist it could and would happen if I wasn't careful. One of the reasons a lot of times when you hear a deaf person speak they have gravelly , coarse voices almost as if they are croaking. If the painful throbbing, ache and itch at the back of my throat is any indication, I'm harming mine and it hurts like hell. I was fortunate enough that my speech therapist provided me with enough material to go back over what I had learned and try to get it right. If not...well I imagine I'll be going back to speech therapy.
I'm on a constant learning curve with my deafness. Make no mistake it's a whole lifestyle change and adjustment, no matter how you look at it. For now I'm not speaking a lot and trying to give my throat and vocals time to heal. I was so pissed this morning I picked up a cigarette and smoked, then I realized that wasn't going to help my situation any and haven't smoked anymore. It's been over 6 months to date I've been smoke free. Other than giving up the ghost of my voice, I have no choice but get this right. I've lost my hearing - I don't want to lose my ability to speak as well. In the midst of my anger I came across a quote that calmed me and made me realize, life goes on - one way or another I still have a lot to be thankful for. Days like today it's far too easy to forget that simple lesson.
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for." Epicurus
Yeah, I'm an idiot at times...this too shall pass and I'll go on. Strange as it may seem, I have days I hate the one thing that provided peace in my life and gave me strength - my deafness. I just want to close the Pandora's box and get a grip on it, some sense of control. It's part of me now; it just seems I should be able to grasp my limitations and learn to live with them easier than I have thus far. It's a lesson in itself, we all have to learn to live with our limitations and appreciate what we do have. No matter who you are or where you are in life, I guarantee there is someone else worse off. I just needed to vent - get it out there in the open so I could deal with it. I have quite a few journals yet to visit, be patient with me - I will eventually get there. From my spirit to yours stay safe and loved....Indigo
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share...
And no one dare
Disturb the sound of silence. (Simon and Garfunkel's "The Sound of Silence")
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At least you get some warning bells, and you can act now to stop straining. It makes me wonder about so many people who talk so loudly all the time. Doesn't that hurt? it hurts my ears - makes me wince with pain sometimes - but you are trained from the speech therapist. You will get it under control again :-)
xoxo -
Straining and perhaps damaging your voice because of talking too loudly is not something I would have ever thought about. It's good that you are aware, and that you can take steps to keep from losing your voice. And I'm glad you put down that cigarette, too.
Lori
http://journals.aol.com/helmswondermom/DustyPages/ -
I love that quote!! I so needed that today!!!
I like your entries about deafness~it is very enlightening. I had a deaf friend in first grade and hadn't thought about her until I started reading you!
Question~do you hear in your dream? just curious...
(((HUGS)))
Gillie
http://journals.aol.com/ekgillen/Gillie/ -
What is the difference between the kind of deafness that you have the kind that allows for a cochlear implant?
Just curious...
4/29/08 1:32 PM