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7:34:00 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger"
2nd Edition of Sunday Rhapsody
(Takes a deep breathe and looks around to see who came by for the 2nd Edition of Sunday Rhapsody, smiles and allows this weeks chosen song to begin playing within her mind....) Ahh, no I'm not quite back off my much needed sojourn from my journal. However...I didn't want to drop the ball on something I had started in motion last week. If you missed the 1st edition of Sunday Rhapsody you can check it out via the link.
This weeks edition is in memory of my brother. Yes, he's still with us somewhere in this lifetime...just lost to me. I've had him on my mind a lot these days, wondering where he is and how he's doing. My brother's all time favorite song was Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger"...I'm not surprised I remember after all these years, it was one of the last memories I was granted of him. Forgive me if I don't give my brothers name here. I believe names hold a lot of meaning - the essence/spirit of the person. Before I get too far into this entry, let me share the lyrics of this song with you, then I'll share a little about the story between two siblings who grew up and apart from one another.
Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive
So many times, it happens too fast
You change your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive
Chorus:
It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger
Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin'hungry
They stack the odds 'til we take to the street
For we kill with the skill to survive
chorus
Risin' up, straight to the top
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive
chorus
The eye of the tiger (repeats out)...
In hindsight as an adult it makes sense this was something he would find strength in listening to...This song was released in 1982, you might remember it as the theme song for Rocky III. I distinctly remember my brother playing this over and over again. This would be in the background of telephone conversations we would have. My brother at the time was 14 almost 15 and already 6'5, he wasn't a skinny kid rather just a huge muscular gentle giant. My brother and I differed in the broad spectrum of abuse we took, his abuse was more physical - fist beatings from my stepfather...whereas mine was sexual, physical and emotional abuse. The abuse was centered toward the two of us, my other siblings were by default safe as they were my stepfather's own flesh and blood.
I resented my brother for not using his size to protect himself, and he resented me for leaving him behind - always feeling abandoned. We stuck by one another until the end...in the end some things are unforgiven. I understand and truly don't blame his hatred, he...changed. I've read alot about the interaction between siblings in abusive situations. In so many cases there is a scenario that seems to almost always present itself, the victims either escape or they learn to deny and buy into the lie in order to survive. When I left home at 16 the one threat that was always implied toward my stepfather was, I would remain quiet about the abuse as long as my brothers and sisters remained unharmed. Conversations with my brother and sisters years later would assure me he took the threat seriously. My brother had a few good years were things would be almost normal before my stepfather passed away. I don't and can't hold it against him for wanting to believe that was how life truly was...My three sisters and little brother never knew what I survived..what life was truly like, they were much too young to ever know.
So yes, I miss my brother and the rest of my siblings from time to time. I made a choice so many years ago. Part of me needs to believe I made the right one and gave them a chance at a life I didn't have. I choose not to try to contact them now...why tell them the truth and change what they had (a normal life). Some things in life are just not meant to be. I left to protect them and in some strange way believe I still protect them even now. One life for 5 others. I don't think it was a hard price to pay at all. If I had to do it all over again, I would in a heartbeat. I don't expect anyone to understand my reasoning for allowing these children I tried to protect to remain strangers to me...it's enough I know and believe it was the right decision.
I was able until 13 years ago to keep track and knowledgeable about what kind of life my brother lived. Underneath his denial is someone who hasn't been able to find love or security with anyone else in his life. He's been married multiple times with kids from each of those marriages. The last I had heard, he almost literally got his manhood shot off for being unfaithful (shakes head sadly, you would think he would of known better seeing as she just came home from the police academy)...Not long after the latest news we lost touch permanently, his choice...Wherever he is, however he is I wish him love and hope someday he finds the peace he so richly deserves.
Next week, I want to try to bring something with a little hope and endearment to Sunday Rhapsody. I'm not quite ready yet, to return to regular entries...perhaps sometime in the next week I'll be up to the task. Until then my gentle readers - you will all remain in my thoughts and prayers on the smoke in hopes life is treating you kindly. From my spirit to yours stay safe and loved!
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Something we always question-the choices we made, right or wrong, would we do the same thing if we knew then what we know now. Thanks for sharing alittle bit more of your life with us. I hope that somewhere deep inside, your brother knows how much love there was and is for him.
Hugz, Leigh
http;//journals.aol.com/mleighin21st/iwasthinking.../ -
I wish I could have that strength, to keep those things from my brother. However, I frequently find it unfair (however childish it may be) that he seems to have forgotten those days when my father lived with us. The yelling, cursing and drinking. He never understood why I always kept my dad at arm's length, since now he isn't drinking (he still does drugs like they're going to be taken away from him at any moment but hides it well) and seems some what normal. I can't forget the hours I spent hiding in my room, waiting for four o'clock to roll around, when he would finally leave for work. Pretending to sleep or read. I never came out of my room before four. I don't know how looking back. I mean, didn't I have to pee? There are times when I tell him scornfully that he doesn't know what it was like back then and had an easy life. Particularly when he made my mom feel very guilty by saying he didn't feel like he had a childhood because my parents divorced when he was eleven. I wanted to scream are you kidding me? You have no idea how good of a childhood you had. We sheltered him from all the awful things my dad did during the divorce. Many times we would ship him off to my uncle's house to stay the night, sometimes for several days. He was unaware of the worst that happened in those months. I had to endure that, not him. You are a far better person than I am. Hell, than most of us are.
Love,
Jamie -
Enlightenment to me on this one. I left behind two full siblings at home at fifteen. No step parents. And wondered and wondered and wondered about things. Their denial, their lifestyle. We have no bond between us. I feel alien for not missing them anymore. My sister told me once, we see each other about every ten years or so, that seeing me is too hard, it makes her remember and she has another life now, a safe life. My brother imulates my father's characteristics with great rewards of a loving mother who is widowed and would like to have my father back and will settle for the next best thing. I'm the black sheep of the family. That is horrendous that your brother would need 'sex' so bad that he might have even been addicted to it enough to risk his own life. THose who need it as adults at the risk of life and limb were probably molested too. I carry more guilt than I can bear some days regarding my own personal escape at 15, though I know I just was trying to survive.
Nelishia
http://journals.aol.com/nelishianatl/Prayingandbelieving/ -
I hope you and your brother find each other again some day. I also want to thank you for your kind words regarding my hearing and ear issues. I keep hoping this can be fixed, but I also know I can survive if it can't. You have dealt with multiple obstacles - you are one tough cookie :-)
xoxo
5/24/08 11:30 PM
neuveau8plus@aol.com also;
http://lestatsabyss4u-souvera
Take care, look forward to hearing from you....
Namaste...