Archives
9:27:00 PM EDT
Feeling Confident
Hearing Crosby Stils Nash & Young "Teach Your Children"
My Second Greatest Teacher
"Our first teacher is our own heart." Cheyanne
I've always believed that quote to be an honest reflection of who a person is. How you approach the world and how you treat others, is a lesson in itself of what you were taught and how you look at the world in general. I know I had so many questions without answers raising my daughter. How can you be a parent when your own, for the most part were a missing equation in your life? I used to think I stumbled more than walked raising my daughter. I knew beyond a doubt what kind of parent I DIDN'T want to be. There was so much self-doubt along for the ride... Above all else, what I did know was - I loved her more than life itself. Any parent can fully attest we place a lot of faith on hope and a prayer, they turn out alright.
I guess you can say raising Skye was a learning process for us both. I think I taught her more by example and love, with more guesswork than not. Some people would even say that alone made the best teacher/parent (I tended to disagree). The last few years of high school with her had me convinced I had it all wrong, upside down/ass backwards wrong (Or at least I believed so at the time). I saw all the bad I knew lay within me, come out in her. Makes one wonder exactly what did I pass on to her for a legacy...
"Teaching is leaving a vestige of one self in the development of another. And surely the student is a bank where you can deposit your most precious treasures." ~Eugene P. Bertin
Like I said it was a learning process. With anything you truly want to master in one form or another...you don't give up until you have it perfected. The thing about parenting there is no guidebook, there is no such thing as perfection in that arena. I've since learned my trials and tribulations were not singular and quite a few parents (even those with exemplary parents themselves) struggled with this learning curve. What I didn't foresee is that at one point the child would teach the parent, as a pupil will eventually teach the teacher. I discovered - time is our second teacher in life. It teaches us patience, compassion, and wisdom. Time made my daughter my second greatest teacher.
So many people seem to think I have a pretty good grasp on life and my deafness. For the most part I do...but like everything else in life, I'm still learning. In all honesty when it comes to my deafness I'm still a child in so many ways, wanting to stomp my feet and pretend it isn't so. That stubbornness has left me in between acceptance and moving forward. Both have a tendency to beat me up from time to time, or rather I beat myself up with them. I have stalled, made excuses you name it, NOT to learn sign language. Part of it is bitterness, the other part is fear. Yes, I have the time and patience to learn. When and if I decide to finally do so, I'll learn rather quickly. I tend to be able to pick things up easily once I make up my mind to do so....
"We cannot hold a torch to light another's path without brightening our own."
Ben Sweetland
Not long after I went deaf, it was painfully obvious my daughter had little time or patience for this new development in our lives. At times her cruelty would shock Paul (Doc), that she could talk to her own mother that way. It hurt.. but somewhere inside me, I understood more than I was willing to admit to. She felt robbed of being able to talk to me without a struggle. Skye was just as scared as I was. At that time I don't believe it was anything either of us was fully aware of. There were multiple reasons for the shatter that broke our relationship almost beyond repair. Time our second teacher helped us heal. Our first teacher our hearts, taught us to love despite the fear and wouldn't let us give up on one another. The student became the teacher....
Yesterday I was going insane with my house being overrun by the cable repairman, the phone ringing off the hook for appts. to have estimates on some home projects we needed done. Peace seemed to be weeks out of my horizon, and then my daughter shows up to take me out for a belated birthday celebration (she was working that day). It was the first day she could get off between both her jobs to visit. As I got in the car I noticed a book in the backseat of her SUV...I picked it up and glanced up at her. "When did you get this?" I asked. "I've had it for awhile, I've been slowly learning different signs. I figured when you were ready we could work on it together."...Yes, I do have tears flowing down my face right now. We went out to eat and spent the day together shopping. Skye put a CD in her player and turned up the volume. I asked her what she was listening to and she said Johnny Cash (like her mother she has a wide range of music choices. Generally it's hard rock or punk). To my surprise she reset the bass all the way up so I would be able to feel the vibrations and enjoy it. Her visits encourage me to want to try to be the person I was before my deafness. It's life changing but I need to still be me in the midst of it somehow. My two teachers - Time and Skye...I'm learning,I haven't finished yet. I have a lot of home remodeling going on over the Summer. Starting Sept. I have made a promise to myself to let my teacher, start teaching me the signs she has already learned. Who would of ever thought my second greatest teacher would be my daughter...
You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good bye.
Teach your children well,
Their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by.
Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.
And you, of tender years,
Can't know the fears that your elders grew by,
And so please help them with your youth,
They seek the truth before they can die.
Teach your parents well,
Their children's hell will slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by.
Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you. (Crosby Stills Nash & Young - Teach Your Children)
*I'm way behind on journals, with all the work soon to be done on my home...all I can promise is to try to get there eventually.*
Written by rdautumnsage Blog about this entry |
Add to del.icio.us | 
digg this
-
What a lovely day...spent with Skye. Thanks for sharing this with your readers.
Hugs,
Cindy -
This entry blesses me so much... especially with what I'm facing right now. It's so nice to see you have a lovely relationship with your daughter.... I really like the old school room pics in this entry as well. You may know from reading some of my entries I'm a huge "Little House" fan and love to see old school rooms and old fashioned things. I was also thinking of you lastnight as I was reading my Danielle Steele book, "Once In a Lifetime." Have you read that one? There is a little boy in the book who is deaf and everytime I read about him I think of you my sweet friend and all the obstacles you have overcome. Many hugs to you Indigo and I wish you a wonderful weekend.
Lisa -
... you know, READING your entries more than 'makes up' you not getting 'caught up' ... it is a treat to see that there is a 'Lament' in the mail ...
... so your 'Skye' has cleared ... hopefully, so to will mine ..!
... be well -
Great entry about the most important and most difficult job there is - raising a child. And it's the one thing where there's no instruction manual. After all the heartbreak and rough roads you and Skye have travelled, her learning sign and turn the bass up on the car radio was really something! Through it all, neither of you gave up on the other, and your love for each other prevailed! Great pictures of the old schoolhouse and graphic at the end!
Dirk
http://journals.aol.com/tsalagiman1/the-first-amendment-not -politi/
8/7/08 5:10 PM
Just writing these words brings you closer to that goal!
XX
Gillie
http://journals.aol.com/ekgil