Archives
LIFE SECTION: The Hypocrite Test- Are you the superior in your relationship? Written by- Raven Smith
What you value in your mind are your spoken words, what you value in your heart are your actions but what you value with insight, embodies both. -Raven Smith
I've been working on my relationship book for more than three years now. I've written about 150 pages and more needs to be done for its completion. This ambition of mine really has been quite the ordeal and I haven't had the time or mind set to finish it. This summer I will complete my book but I have decided to offer my relationship test to the online viewers in the Internet realm. In my opinion, this relationship test, can be life changing and something you can do at home and doesn't cost you a dime. This will bring the fire of awareness into your relationship. The Hypocrite Test requires you to account for your actions within the last three months of your relationship. You can take this test in the now but a clearer view comes from looking at the past and then to the present. The Hypocrite test can expose any patterns, your consistency and if there is behavioral change by you or your partner. I will tell you this; you will learn something through this mirror check, who you really are in your marriage. Sometimes it's through the simplest path where gained insight comes; this is the case with my Hypocrite Test.
The Hypocrite Test is revolutionary because its simple but don't let that fool you; it will take a few hours of your time and will be your eye-opener. In my book, the full Hypocrite Test has specific dialogue for spouses to say to one another, a bucket of water and even food coloring. I have offered you about 70% of this test. I realize we're all in consumer overload with self-help techniques but trust me, a few hours of your time will make a difference. You will discover, what really is your level of awareness about you and your relationship. You will find out if your actions agree with this typical inner dialogue - I desire is to make my spouse happy.
I believe that this simple program I've created should be considered as a first step during counseling sessions. Often we walk into counseling and think our spouse is the problem and only to find out later that we were also a taker, thus blind to our ways. This first step is heavy meat folks, and will feel like fire to the proud. To those whose actions agree with their verbiage, I congratulate you. You're a rare find indeed.
Men and Women have different communication styles but in the end, many are guiding themselves by prideful car beams, where change is the last thing on their minds. Men and women are both at fault for not wanting to change in order to serve their spouse's needs. Women have been the givers in relationships for centuries but times are changing and another backlash is being revisited due to social and cultural growth. Women are learning their self worth and this is necessary and good. Women are finally finding equal ground in relationships but in their newness, comes a source of pride. Pride is waging another dualism, selfishness in women and the continual selfishness in men.
In my opinion, the average marriage is no longer gender favored in whom gives significantly more. Men and women must learn and relearn together. A counseling session will help you to understand your communication strongholds, what stood in the way from you seeing yourself, healing and the skills you both will need to change together. The Hypocrite test will judge only your actions. Like the old saying, actions speak louder than words, the Hypocrite test delivers that truth and it's free for you to try at home.
The Hypocrite Test
You will need two pieces of paper, preferably an 11X12. note- The first column is about 1/3 of the page. Blue is you. Green is your spouse. When you write the column titles, please don't write the word column on your papers. It's only mentioned in this article for clarity.
The first paper is your needs. Please write- (Your name) smile requests at the top of this page. Columns: 1) (Your name) hope was... 2) (Spouse name) Submission 3) (Spouse name) Attitude 4) Am I being Anal? 5)(Your name) Action 6)Shhh...(Your name) Column 7)? Column
The second piece of paper is Your (Spouses name) smile requests. Please write that on the top of the paper. Columns: 1) (Spouse name) hope was... 2) (Your name) Submission 3) (Your name) Attitude 4) Is (Spouse name) being Anal? 5) (Your Name) Needs Are Superior 6) I'm a Hypocrite 7)? Column
(Your name) hope was...Column 1) You will keep a daily accounting of any situations, where a request was made by you to your spouse.
(Spouse name) Hope was...Column 1) You will keep a daily accounting of any situations, where a request was made by your spouse to you.
(Spouse name) Submission Column 2) This means that whatever started the conversation, argument or need, if your spouse offered a yes and met that need, you will write a YES. If not, then write a NO.
(Your name) Submission Column 2) This means that whatever started the conversation, argument or need, if you offered a yes and met your spouses need, you will write a YES. If not, then write a NO.
Both, you and your spouse Attitude- Column 3) - If your attitude wasn't pleasant in that situation, please write that down YES on your paper. If your spouses attitude wasn't pleasant in that situation, please write down YES on your spouse paper. YES means- Yes I had an attitude problem, NO means- No, I didn't have an attitude problem. Next, you will write what word best describes the attitude.(anger, frustration, sad, condescending, etc.) If you're wondering how to judge this category, here are some questions to ask of yourself. a) Did I have a pleasing attitude with my spouse in meeting their need? b) I did meet my spouses need but I complained about it too. c) Do I think he or she owes me later on because I tried to make them happy is this area? If you had a positive attitude then write the word NO in this column.
Both, you and your spouse Anal Retentive -Column 4) Anal retentive has a long history of toilet paper, clogged toilets and a fanatical view of cleanliness, lol. This word took shape in our society and now is applies to peoples behavior outside of the toilet room. It's actually pretty easy to test if you're anal retentive. Four examples to consider: a) If you're a religious sort of person you would ponder, "Would God care about this? b) If you had one year left to live, would this situation still matter to you? c) Whatever it is that is bothering you about your spouse; if everyone on the planet did it your way, would it improve the quality of life on the planet? d) Is this a necessary situation for your household to run affectively? If you answered no to any of those four conditions then write down the word ANAL in column four. If the need was not anal by your judgment, then write the word NO.
Your Action - Column 5) This column is one mirror of your reflection. Is the need you requested from your spouse, something that you do yourself? Example- If your upset that your spouse has yelled at the kids, then do you also yell at the kids too? If so, then in this column you would write YES. If you asked your spouse to clean the car, do you also do this yourself? If you don't wash the car than you would write a NO in this column. This column will have Yes's or No's because your comparing your action's of the request you asked of your spouse. This column is the comparison of your action's, and your spouses. The point of this column is to just bring some awareness about your doing in your relationship.
Shhh...- Column 6) This column is on your sheet. Look at the request you made to your spouse. Are you good at this (request you made), to your spouse? Do you give to your spouse in this area (request you made)? Ponder on those questions and then do the following. Answer if any of the following 2 conditions apply. If true then the third condition must also apply in order to fill in the Shhh column. If you made a request from your spouse that you: 1)Don't do well in your daily life or You don't do significantly more than spouse at home, with the kids, friends, family, other people, at work, etc. or 3) You don't give to him in the area, your asking of him AND 3) You would have spoken words of correction(teaching) to your spouse about your desire. If yes, please write the word Shhh... in this spot.
The Shhh... column is best described as the Be Quiet, the Gong, the teacher of hypocrisy. Hypocrisy- When you tell your spouse to do something, that you don't do. When you tell your spouse not to do something, that you do. More Examples: If you do this behavior at least 10 days out of the month, then you most certainly can't teach someone else to not do it. Teachers of correction are masters of what they say and do. This column will address if you ask from your spouse, what you don't do for them. Next time try Shhh...if you find some hypocrisy in your correction.
My Needs Are Superior Column 5) (This is on your spouses paper.) This column is another mirror of hypocrisy. This column applies to the person who has a Superior Complex. Look to see if you have a NO in Column 2 on your spouses paper. If you have a NO in column 2, then ask this question of yourself -- What would your spouse said, if you asked he or she for this same request? If your spouse would have said YES to you, even though you had said NO to them, put a YES in the I'm Superior column. Now, check to see if you have a YES in Column 3(Attitude.) If your attitude was poor in meeting your spouses need, asked yourself if your spouses attitude would have been better than yours? If you say YES to that also, please put a YES-A in the I'm Superior column. Make sure you put a dash A next to it.(YES- A.) A is the symbol for attitude.
I'm a Hypocrite Column 6)- In the My Needs Are Superior Column, it's time to add up your total Yes's. If you have a YES in this column than you were the superior in that situation. If you have a YES-A, than your attitude or how you give is less than your spouses. Count up your Yes's. If you have 1 Yes than put the number 1 in the I'm a Hypocrite Column. If you have 2 Yes's, put the number 2 in the I'm a Hypocrite Column. At the end of this Hypocrite Test, you will add up the numbers and whoever has the highest total is also the Superior in the relationship.
The Superior has the highest score- Your needs are superior to your spouses needs. You matter most and your desires matter most. Your the selfish one. Since you had the highest score, your the taker of joy and smiles from your spouse's life. Now, if your numbers are pretty close to each other, than you both are closer to equals in what you give or how much you take.
Note- If your doing this hypocrite test with your partner, and you see a YES in the My Needs Are Superior Column than this means it's a topic that you can't address to your spouse, EVER. Its a place of silence that you will have to get used too. Go on, and look for desires that don't have any type of YES in this column; those are the only ones that you can offer words of correction to your spouse.
The Exception: What if someone has a much longer list of requests? This really gets better addressed with the bucket of water and food coloring that I do, so I will have to approach this like as math problem. If you have a very long list of requests, than you will have to apply an addition of total's.(Yes's). If you have 10 needs a day and your spouse has two, but he met 5 of your needs and you met none of his, then he gave more. If you had 5 requests from your spouse and he met 1, and you had 1 request that your spouse said yes too, than your equal. Mind you, whoever has the longer list does reveal that you ask more of your spouse. This could mean you have a selfish spouse or your either anal or controlling or both. The submission totals says whose the more giving in the relationship. Again, whatever the total amount of Yes's declares who is the person who serves the most smiles in your relationship. Qualified mediation is best at interpreting the results but mentioning a few guidelines does help. Short lists- If you reject the few common requests your partner asked of you, than you can conclude your pretty darn selfish. Short lists should look pretty good if your a giving partner. If you have a long list of needs and your spouse rejects half of those needs(not including Anal Retentive category), then your spouse could still be more giving than you; even though you said YES to all of his few. The list is long in terms of these comparisons but you will get a good mirror check on the value of your spouses happiness.
? Column 7)
Your Paper- If column 2 has a NO, If column 4 has an A, put a question mark symbol in column 7.
Spouse Paper- If column 2 has a No, If column 4 has an A, put a question mark symbol in column 7.
The question mark means you need to question the outcome of this specific desire. This usually requires a professional to mediate but the rule goes like this; if it's anal retentive need, it is OK for your spouse to not meet your need. The question mark also means you might need a counselor to see if this circumstance should be questioned.
Some things to consider in the Anal category.
It's a pretty unrealistic expectation for someone whose anal retentive to acknowledge their behavior as such, but with the support of a professional or trying this on your own; some progress is hopeful. If you do a sum total and find most of the situations that are bothering you shouldn't;with the understanding in the grand scope of life, get some counseling. When little things bother us, there is a root greater that needs your awareness in order for this character trait to be removed. If how you load the dishwasher really matters to you, if how you make the bed or if how you fold the clothes matters, this will create a marriage where your spouse walks on egg shells. No one should feel like they're in a boot camp marriage or you may end up folding the clothes,loading the dishwasher and making your bed divorced. The biggest motive for you to get help is because your spouse is worthy and deserves to smile. Anal retentive people are controlling and always sap joy out of a marriage. Your spouse deserves more. Life is too short folks, so hold on and desire a smoother ride.
The Final Reflection of your giving. Are you a good wife? Are you a good husband?
This is your reflection to discover if you've valued your spouses happiness over the course of your marriage. This isn't the Hypocrite Test but this is usually the test you would take prior to the Hypocrite Test. If your doing this without a professional, its better you do this AFTER the Hypocrite test is completed. It's even better to wait a few days before you begin this.
Please write down the title at the top of the page.(Are you a good wife(husband)) This is a tough one and should feel like fire to most people who take this. Write down your spouses top ten needs over the course of your marriage, year by year. These are the top ten hopes he or she had and would have been most happy with, if you had given in those areas. Those top ten go across the paper like a headers. You will draw lines down the paper from there. This should give you ten columns. Then make the rows off to the left, starting with the first year of your marriage. Keep going down the left side until you have written down each year of your marriage until the present. Then you will begin to fill in the blanks. From a scale of 1-30 (days of a typical month), ask yourself, how many days out of the month during that year did you seek to make my spouse happy in that need? If this need was requested daily from them or if you were aware they wanted this need daily then think in those terms to estimate the days. If you know your spouse then you will know their top-ten. As you do this, you will see patterns. I highly recommend you do this with a professional. It's very rare that the ego can be honest here but I thought I would offer it. Please note- Your spouses top ten list isn't up for interpretation by you. It's there need and it's not how you see their need or if you value it. Honor their need and make their top ten list.
In the Shhh....Column
Now count and see how many you have here. If you have quite a few then do read on. This section applies to you then. For those of you that have little of No Shhh..'s,than this is just good reading material that you've already mastered. Some of you might be surprised to know, that often what we complain about; we often don't do for our spouse. You might be surprised to know that you thought you were the giver and then discover that you're actually a taker of joy in your relationship. When we're hypocrites we must learn to be quiet(Shhh), so we can change ourselves first, by spending quality time in your own self-evaluation mirror. Hypocrites make the worst teachers. Usually the most common behavior of the hypocrite is the gong because the gong does the most complaining and the least amount of giving. The best measure of a good wife or a good husband is the one whose actions have smile's attached to and for their spouse. The Hypocrite Test does do this...it measures the actions of whose the giver and whose the taker.
To conclude,
This version is probably about 70% of the actual test. I did my best to edit, modify and add what I felt you could do on your own but in my book version, there is a back and forth dialogue that you won't be able to do via Internet. I have adapted this for you. I firmly believe the simplicity of this test will do more for you than a typical counseling session. I know that sounds like hype or arrogance but its true. The awareness from this test won't be fun but the idea of you being happy in your marriage will. Eye-openers are rough on us all but hangin out on this grand planet alone isn't all its worked up to be either.
In the future, a healthy marriage sets a time and date where you can share your list of concerns. Its absolutely essential if you value the "quality in loving' that, you do this once or twice a month. No-one deserves to hear your opinion of them everyday or your daily correction about them. There are at times, where a serious offense happens and must be addressed then, but the quality of loving has to be held in high appreciation by you. If you want a smile on your face, surely you know from child hood or life experiences, that daily criticism stands in the way of smiles. A successful marriage will not happen if you're undermining each others mistakes, behavior or actions every day.
- © 2000 by Raven Smith. All rights reserved
Life Romance and Relationships Christianity
Advice Relationship Quiz rebuketheworld Raven Smith
rebuketheworld at 6:28:00 AM EDT Blog about this entry |
Add to del.icio.us | 
digg this
-
Yeah, while I see the value of this test for people who haven't been married long, for people like myself who were married for more that 16 years, and together nearly 20, the tabulation and keeping score is something that's done naturally without a note pad. In our case, we grew weary of trying to negotiate to keep the score even and having to use increasingly dramatic "tactics" to bring about the effect we felt we needed. And when we discovered that neither of us wanted to supress the desire that was in us to simply be who we are for the benefit of the other, then we made the decision to divorce. So, the score was even, but it didn't matter.
Fred
http://journals.aol.com/ravenjuiced/those-eyes-that-the-che rubim-dre/ -
I am surely going to buy this book!!! I'm getting married in about a month!
Found you through CarnivAOL.
Dianna
http://journals.aol.com/sazzylilsmartazz/DiannasMindlessMus ings/
http://journals.aol.com/sazzylilsmartazz/SazzyKreationz/ -
Tthank you for finding that typo, I have changed that. Thank you for my positive feedback. I'm excited to finish my book. This Hyporcrite test is simple in logic and mind-blowing to eye-openers. Thank you again!- Raven Smith
-
""Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap,!!!!!!!"" ((standing ovation, (of course))
You have created a very insightful an unbiased* tool I am eager to use for personal as well as mairrital growth. A guide you should patent!
I feel the need to point out laguage usage of him, her, husband, wife, etc. ie; (for example) Hypocrite Test, paragraph 15, 'My Needs Are Superior Column 5', sentence 6, referring to mate as "him". (Typo's anyone with 1/2 a brain will overlook.,) correlating an unbiased view -m/f- to hopefully urge you to go further!!
Have you considered making a template for downloading?
TZCKRET@yahoo.com
11/3/06 10:14 PM
Gem :-)