Life as a paramedic

05 January 2008

"Medical Funnies"

Well, things have been slow on the ranch this week and today was a day of class.  I think I had more excitement grocery shopping (and that says a lot). 

So, thanks to my friend Robin, I thought I would start the year off on a lighter side.  I hope you like some of the short stories posted.  Until then, I will see you next week.

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going
to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and
began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed
that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong
one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .

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2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the
patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

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3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
told a wife that her husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later,
I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

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4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment
with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked.
"The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one
every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to
put it!"
I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on
his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the
old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

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5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly
patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion, she answered,
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband
was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

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6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I
can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient
replied.
I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced
a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

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7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a
young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker
mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was
completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her "lower" hair had been dyed green, and
above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the
grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a
short note on the patient's dressing, which said,
"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN, no name

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AND FINALLY!!!............

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was
quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon
whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out
laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from
my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I
tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were
whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)

Rounding Third and Heading Home,

M-

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• #1 Comment from mutualaide 
  1/5/08 7:13 PM | Permalink

  Oh, as always a good chuckle here!  Thanks!