Life as a paramedic

Under Construction

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 22:52:24 GMT

07 February 2008

"Under Construction"

Hey all you germs and measles. You are probably wondering as to where I have been. If you haven't, well, no loss to you I suppose.

Sorry I haven't been around but we are in the process of remodeling the station..the WHOLE station so, as you can imagine, things have been very time consuming.

On top of that, I have ordered a new ambulance and it is scheduled to be here within the next few weeks. This, ALSO, is very time consuming in referencing trying to get all the paperwork done on it and making sure that when the guy comes to inspect it...I am ready to go....

So, I will try to check in next week sometime to give you some funny expiriences that I have had, but until then, keep smiling, always keep your chin up, and remember that ziploc bags are two for one on Sundays.

Rounding Third and Heading Home,

M-

Ten Minutes

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 01:37:54 GMT

13 January 2008

"Ten Minutes"

Have you ever actually "stopped" in order to appreciate time? It is one of those things that are overlooked and taken for granted, yet eventually, we all run out of. In a world where "time is money" we tend to get wrapped up with the light at the end of the tunnel that we forget to notice the colors, sounds, textures, and sensory stimulations that make our journey into the great unknown, just that....great.

So, I thought that today, I would write a comparison to help, maybe guide you through the rest of your life which is an hourglass glued to the table, slowly getting smaller with every waking breath and take you inside the mind of the paramedic and EMT and show you how ten minutes are an eternity.

In ten minutes, you have taken a warm shower in peace and feel refreshed and ready for the world. In ten minutes, I have stood out in the pooring rain holding the hand of a car accident victim telling her I am not going to leave her while the fire department cuts away the steel and fiberglass in order to get her out.

In ten minutes, you stand in line to get an overpriced cup of coffee with some name that is longer than some third world countries. In ten minutes, I am trying to start AND finish my meal while I am en route to the next call which happens to be the sixth one in four hours since my shift started.

In ten minutes, you have a conversation with your parents over the cell phone because you have just that much time to kill before you are at your destination. In ten minutes, I am pumping on the chest of a stranger's loved one who was found on thier bedroom floor working against a clock that I am already way behind hoping that a miracle will come.

In ten minutes, you complain that your job, your boss, and your coworkers are something that you just want to do without and that they are just one more piece of stress that you could live without. In ten minutes, I am waiting for a helicopter to transport a victim from an accident that may never make it to work again.

In ten minutes, you try on several new outfits wondering which ones will look great in the up coming season. In ten minutes, I pray that I can change the same clothes that I have been stuck in for 36 plus hours and are covered in smoke, dirt, and blood.

In ten minutes, you go to bed hoping that you won't forget to pick up milk tomorrow. I may not even see my bed in ten minutes.

In ten minutes, you contemplate what to do for your birthday. In ten minutes, I am celebrating someone's birth on a lonely stretch of highway.

In ten minutes, you meet a stranger because he has an item you want to buy. In ten minutes, I meet a stranger because he wants to breathe.

In ten minutes, you hear a siren and curiously go looking to see what and where the trouble is. I am hoping you pull over so that I am where I need to be in under ten minutes.

In ten minutes, you may see an old friend for the first time in a long time. In ten minutes, I may see a stranger for the last.

In ten minutes, you go through the room greeting all your family members during a holiday event. Ten minutes is all I get with mine miles apart via cell phone on the way back from the hospital.

In ten minutes, you may get to know me. In ten minutes, I may know everything I need to about you.

In ten minutes, you will forget who I am. In ten minutes, I will never forget who you are.

To all the active and potential EMS personnel out there, I want to thank you for what you do as the brother and sisterhood we share is unlike anything else you may expirience.

What we do is a calling...it is something that we don't choose, but rather it chooses us.

Rounding Third and Heading Home,

M-

Medical Funnies

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 23:59:53 GMT

05 January 2008

"Medical Funnies"

Well, things have been slow on the ranch this week and today was a day of class. I think I had more excitement grocery shopping (and that says a lot).

So, thanks to my friend Robin, I thought I would start the year off on a lighter side. I hope you like some of the short stories posted. Until then, I will see you next week.

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going
to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and
began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed
that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong
one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .

------------------------------------------------------------------------

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the
patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

------------------------------------------------------------------------

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
told a wife that her husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later,
I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

------------------------------------------------------------------------

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment
with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked.
"The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one
every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to
put it!"
I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on
his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the
old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

------------------------------------------------------------------------

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly
patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion, she answered,
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband
was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

------------------------------------------------------------------------

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I
can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient
replied.
I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced
a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

------------------------------------------------------------------------

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a
young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker
mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was
completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her "lower" hair had been dyed green, and
above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the
grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a
short note on the patient's dressing, which said,
"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN, no name

------------------------------------------------------------------------

AND FINALLY!!!............

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was
quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon
whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out
laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from
my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I
tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were
whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)

Rounding Third and Heading Home,

M-

2007: A Year in Review

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 02:07:47 GMT

27 December 2007

"2007: A Year in Review"

As we sit at the edge of our seats and begin the countdown to the beginning of 2008, I am sitting back in my chair, feeling the warmth of the heater, sipping my tasty adult beverage, and watching the winter roll in through my office window as I remininsce as to the rather spectacular year that I had in 2007 both on and off station. So, for this, I am not going to blog a long and meaningless banter that I have sometimes have come to deal to you few faithful that are still out there. Instead, I am going to give thanks. Thanks and appreciation to those whom made my year just that much better. So if you all would indulge me for just a few, I would be forever in your debt.

First and foremost, I want to thank my wife Beverly. Bev, you have really been through hell and high water with me since we have met and no matter what had been posted in front of us, you never swayed in the storm. Getting promoted this year, my job has demanded more of me than I could give it at times, but your understanding that I am trying to build something great and that Rome wasn't built in a day is a true testament to your undying devotion to the sacrement that bestows upon us. I can't take back all those nights that you slept alone while I was out "saving the world" as you like to call it, but I want you to know that I was never far, and I thank God for that. So, my dear, thank you for all your support and grace. I will never let that fade in my mind, no matter what drugs they give me when I am older.

Next, I want to thank my best buddy Bill. I know that this year you have gone through Hell and back...then back to Hell...then back again. Even though your journey hasn't taken down the path that you thought, you found a way to keep a smile on your face, your chin in the air, and backed me up on everything that I did both professionally and personally. Coming to work with me as I began my tenure as the supervisor was a blessing that I still can't begin to express to you. Your ability to give 110% in every little detail that you do proves to me that I made the utmost correct choice in designating you my best bud. We met in a car upside down, we leave this year riding together off into the sunset. Thanks, Bill...I love ya man.

Jane. You took a big risk hiring me to operate day to day operations and everyday I strive to improve the quality of life not only for my patients, but for your company. I can't promise you instant results, but I can promise you all my blood, sweat, and tears and the promise that I will do everything I can with all my breath, to make sure that our company is listed in the catagory of elite. Thank you for your support...and taking a huge gamble on an aging re-tread.

To all my EMT's and Paramedic that work under me. You really are the best of the best in my eyes. Your perseverence on station and out in the field shows that we aren't a small rural company, but a place where the best of the best come to work. I can't tell you how proud of you that I am of each and everyone of you as this transition went on when I took the helm. Your support and open-mindedness has shown your integrity and genuality as civil servants, and as human beings.

I want to thank YOU, my readers whom even though I dropped off the face of the Earth at times, you still checked in with me to see how I was and if there was anything new. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to vent about the world and give you a little ride-a-long as to the world of Emergency Medicine in the field. Together, we have witnessed new life, held the hand of those who had lost their life, socially equated ourselves as to understand the dumb and misfortunate, but most of all, to make a difference to that one person who, in their time of crisis, called upon us to help save them and create peace for their life's continuing journey. So, what I do propose to you for 2008 is an entry every week where we have some more fun, laugh a little out loud, and comfort each other when the time is low. Together, we can all make a difference...so let's go out there and touch those who need it...all of us.

To my brother, Mark. You may not know why you are there, but your presence is the same as it would be here. A feeling of relief and hope that tomorrow will bring a new day...even though you don't know the people you serve. I admire for the fact that you DID get your life together against immense odds...I miss you and love you very much...and I ask is that you come home safely.

And finally, I have one last thanks to give. Being last, you certainly aren't least...

Danielle, my friend for always. Sorry we didn't get back together for almost two decades, but I got lost somewhere along the way and when I DID find my wayout, life put up a roadblock. I think that is why there is GPS for the cars now. Anyways, despite you not being close physically, your spirit had always lingered keeping alive the purest of friendships without boundries, definitions, or limitations. Even in absence, you had been a fixture of my thoughts and affected the way that I lived my life. Now, 15 years later, you return to pick up where you left off. The one that I chat with for countless hours about absolutely nothing, my friend who reassured me that life wasn't all that bad even though it felt like they were tossing the dirt on your coffin. Your vibrance and positive outlook has fueled my motivation and my thrive as to who I am, whom I become, and who I will be...and I know...this is only the beginning. Thank you.

I will see you all next week, as planned and promised.

Have a safe and glorious New Year.

Rounding Third and Heading Home,

M-

Back By Popular Demand

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 02:57:31 GMT

25 December 2007

"Back By Popular Demand"

Merry Christmas to you all.

I have received quite a few emails requesting that I post my "12 Days of Christmas" that I created back in 2004. It seems to be a popular favorite this time of year so I thought, "what the heck...let's put it up there again."

So for all of you who asked for this...here it is....

"The 12 Days of Christmas - EMS Style"

On the First day of Christmas, my Dispatcher gave to me...Grandma who fell and hurt her knee...

On the Second Day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me...2 MG of Narcan for the out of work person who wants to end it all by taking her Husband's pain pills and won't tell me what she took and is feeling suicidal....and grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the Third day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me....Three stacked shocks for the 88 year old man who instead of paying the neighbor kid 5 bucks to shovel his driveway, decided to do it himself and have the big one in the driveway...2 Mg of Narcan for the psycho chick trying to off herself...and grandma who fell and hurt her knee..

On the Fourth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me....4 AM in the morning I have to go to the nursing home because someone has had the flu for like 16 years and all of a sudden needs to go to the hospital....NOW,...Three Stacked shocks for the full arrested popsicle, 2 MG of Narcan for Morphine eating Momma..and Grandma who fell and hurt her knee....

On the Fifth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me...Five minutes to eat.....4 AM shuttle call, Three stacked shocks, 2 MG of Narcan, and Grandma who fell and hurt her knee....

On the Sixth Day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me....Six run reports behind because the computer guy can't fix the system..Five Minutes to eat!!!!!!!!!! 4 AM Shuttle, 3 zaps to the chest, gonna have a stomach pumped, and grandma who fell and hurt her knee...

On the Seventh day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me...Seven car pile up while everyone was trying to beat the light so they can get into Wal Mart the day after Thanksgiving thinking there is only 4 dancing Elmo Dolls...six reports behind...Five minutes to eat.......4AM is way to early, 3 stacked shocks, 2 of Narcan Pushed, and grandma who fell and hurt her knee....

On the Eighth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me....Eight flights of steps to walk up to get the 400 pound person who is having shortness of breath since LAST Christmas and can't walk...oh, and of course, the elevator doesn't work...7 cars a crunching, six reports a writing, Five minutes to eat. 4 AM shuttle, CPR in progress, 2 MG of Narcan, and grandma who fell and hurt her knee...

On the ninth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me Nine blankets needed to cover up grandpa because he is freezing and we aren't even out of the house yet but thinks he will get pneumonia and die for all of the 10 seconds we are outside...Eight flights of stairs, should have stayed home and bought off of Ebay, six reporst I'm writing...Five minutes to eat.....What the Hell time is it, should have paid the kid, 2MG of Narcan, and grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the Tenth Day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me...Ten Minutes till I can get a bed in the ER because the nurses are busy figuring out who is going to lunch next....Nine blankets needed, Hope fire department is coming, 7 cars a crunching, six reports I need to write, Five minutes to eat...Can't you wait till morning, sick a fork in him, he's done, Man I hope she shuts up..and grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the Eleventh day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me....Eleven times I tried to get the heat to work in the back of the truck and maintainence won't take the truck in...ten minutes waiting, Nine blankets needed, eight flights of steps to climb, Hope you have Progressive, Give me a new ink pen...Five minutes to eat....4 AM is early, 3 Leads all show he's dead, 2 MG won't touoch her..and grandma who fell and hurt her knee...

On the Twelth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me..a 12 Gague IV needle that I put into the drunk 19 year old who tried to swing at me...it is really freezing, Hope you choke on your sandwich, 9 blankets for grandpa, How did you get up here in the first place, man your husband is gonna be pissed, six reports STILL down...five minutes to eat...Better than taking them back, Hope I recorded the code, Man, just pass out already...and grandma who fell and hit her knee...

Merry Christmas,

Rounding Third and heading home,

M-

A Message From My Brother

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 16:39:45 GMT

28 November 2007

" A Message From my Brother"

For those of you who know me, you know that I have a brother currently serving in Iraq. He, too, is a medic and he, too, misses his family.

He just wrote something the other night that I thought I would share with you all. The holidays are coming so I hope that you keep this in mind when you are out and about.

And Mark...we are still all thinking of you.

"We all know what we see on the television late at night. A Nation at war with bullets that light up the night and explosions that almost seem to magnificent to be real. Of course there's always going to be that 35 year old man who still pretends to be a soldier and tells all his buddies he was going to join and become a Ranger or Special Forces, but decided for what ever reason not to and there will always be those who say that they've done there part by sending a package or mailing a letter, but always seem to drop off shortly after. We who walk here know what we see. Maybe not bullets flying or people dying, but still the disturbing sight will still stick with us forever. The ruff necks wish for a fight and to draw there weapons to inflict pain and death....me, i just wish for a day without death. I've done my part and mine wasn't to kill or strike fear into anyones hearts, but to save lives no matter who they are iraqi, american, or any enemy. When we all go home please remember one thing and one thing only. You were not here and did not face what we faced. You were not a ranger or green beret...or a soldier for that matter. Please just remember that most of us were just kids trying to serve our country when no one else would. We've given up so much so people could pretend to be something they are not in the privacy of there own homes and talk how they want. So when you see a soldier don't ask them how many people they've killed or what they blew up, but just tell them thanks and leave it at that. A simple thank you won't stop the nightmares or the PTSD, but it will let them know that they were not forgotten."

God Speed little brother.

Rounding Third and Heading Home,

M-

Top Ten Stupidest Calls

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 20:33:51 GMT

14 November 2007

"Top Ten Stupidest Calls"

A local news report out here had me thinking. Are some people really that stupid when it comes to calling for the rescue squad? I mean, c'mon, I know that to THEM it may seem like an emergency and all, but...well, I am gonna let YOU decide.

10. A female had called the rescue squad because she "had a splinter in her finger and she has tried to spend the last two hours trying to get it out."

Are you Fucking KIDDING ME?!?!?!

Unless the splinter is the size of a phone pole (in that case if she can't get it out, then she needs to get the crap beat out of her), you are gonna have me come to your house, you are gonna make me wheel you out on the cot, and take you to the emergency room so that some doctor can tell you what an idiot you are!!! Save yourself the trouble, I will tell you that for a fraction of the cost. I will still take you to the hospital..I am sure the nurses need a laugh.

9. A gentleman called stating "I have hemroids and they really hurt."

Well, no shit Sherlock (no pun intended).

And what is it that you really want ME to do about it? First of all, I don't want your stinky ass on my cot just in case one of your ass asteroids decide to burst. Clean up would involve some HAZ MAT team to come and declare a federal emergency. Also, there is this thing called Preparation H. Take a guess as to what the "H" stands for. If you have some, can you bring it with you? I want to rub it on you and see if you will go away.

8. "My son just threw up."

Of course he did.....ONE TIME!!!!!

What he DIDN'T tell you is that your precious little angel wolfed down his bagel in two bites and upset his stomach as he tried to beat the land speed record posted by Guiness for "fastest digestion from tounge to toilet". Way to go Johnny, your mom should be proud.

7. A man called in the middle of the night because he "couldn't sleep."

Tip #1. Stay OFF the crack, dipshit.

Tip #2. If you aren't on crack, disregard number 1...dipshit.

So, what is it that you want ME to do for you? Let me put you in my truck and take you to the hospital with all the lights and sirens going. Apparently, you can't make it to Walgreens (which are everywhere and open 24 hours....in a row) to get something tohelp you sleep. How about I knock you in the head with my oxygen bottle? You will be rendered unconscious, and I will feel better...it's a win-win.

6. (By the way...these are all REAL calls)

"I am having a panic attack (okay, you really WILL need an ambulance) and I am out of medicine so I need a ride to the hospital to get another script).

You should have stopped while you were ahead genius. EMT does not stand for early morning taxi. Let me get up and cater to your lazy ass because you ran out of medicine and want some more. You think you are panicing now? Wait till you get the bill. Oh yeah, while your there..see if you can get a prescription for BUY A CLUE!!!

5. A female called because "I have a sore throat".

Obviously it wasn't too sore because you called 9-1-1 for an ambulance. So, out of bed once again to come and Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave the day!!!!!

Don't even begin to ask for something for the pain, because all I am going to do is get the biggest needle I have and inject you with a high dose of SHUT THE FUCK UP...

4. Another female called......because "I have a wax build up in my ear."

I can't even write here.....just get in and shut up!!!!!

3. A guy called because "I toked on some bad weed".

I wish you could see the smile on my face here. First of all, let's call a public service entity because you did something illegal and now you want me to rectify it. Next, you want to go to the hospital so that you can get "treated". Finally, I am sure y ou will "never do that again."

Here is my take on that. You are a dumb ass that should go to jail on the charge of larceny. You are stealing my oxygen just being alive. Second of all, you don't need a squad, you need a bag of Doritos and a Pepsi, but hey, I haven't used a 12 gauge needle in a while, and finally....well, you know I will see you next week after you snort cocaine for the first time.

2. A guy cut his index finger in the fashion of a papercut, calls the ambulance to take him to the hospital because he thinks "it could potentially be life threatening".

TO WHO?????

To the nurse who has to scrub the 8 years of dirt off your hand just to see where it may have cut at? Or to me, who has to whip in and out of traffic to get to you while some guy cross town is having a massive heart attack and I got pulled away because you think you could "die" from your scratch. God, you make me want to puke.

The follow up to him...he took the bus home.

1. A female who was having some sort of pain was in the waiting room and had been in there for several hours (Major city so you know it is gonna be a while). I think the recorded time was 10 hours in the ER. So, little miss can't be wrong decides "I will beat the system." Leaves AMA and goes home...to call the ambulance....who ends up taking her BACK from where she just left......

...and put her right back in the waiting room....where she waited...for 6 more hours....

Nice Try!!!

I gotta run...I think someone who was dancing in circles is sdizzy...and needs the squad.

Rounding Third and Heading Home,

M-

Dear Citizens

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 14:52:11 GMT

15 August 2007

"Dear Citizens"

I had a buddy of mine send me this letter via Myspace and I found it strong enough to post...so here it is.

Dear citizens of (and visitors to) Multnomah County,

By and large, you're a good bunch. I enjoy providing you with the help you need when you call 911. You make my workdays (and nights) interesting. However, from time to time, I notice a few small issues -- perhaps we can call them gaps in your knowledge? -- that make my job a little bit more frustrating. Herein I offer a few simple pieces of advice to help make everyone's emergency experience more satisfying.

1. When I ask you questions, please strive to tell me the full and complete truth. There's no badge or gun on me. I'm not going to get you in trouble for being high on drugs, but I really would like to know what exactly you did. You're not fooling anyone. Likewise, I don't care who you were having sex with, where, with what exciting accessories, and what your respective spouses will think, but if it's contributed to your condition you should probably bring it up.

2. I regret to inform you life is not like TV. We do not run from the ambulance to the patient, we do not drive everyone to the hospital with lights and sirens, and most dead people stay dead despite our best efforts. On the other hand, we are not just a fancy taxi ride. I can start an IV (in your arm or leg or neck), put a breathing tube down your throat, do an EKG to see if you're having a heart attack, shock your heart if it's in a bad rhythm, and give about thirty different drugs for different medical conditions. I can do more in the short term than most nurses. I had to go to school for years. Respect me and I'll respect you.

3. In a related vein, if you could keep the drama to a bare minimum when your parent/sibling/spouse/friend/neighbor/coworker is hurt or sick, it will help everyone immensely. I understand that the situation is upsetting, and I respect your feelings, but the best thing you can do for the patient, me, and even yourself is try to remain as calm as possible. Shouting at me to do something or hurry up will not help. Yelling in general is not, in fact, helpful. Trying to keep out of our way, answering the questions we ask in a succinct and informative manner, and keeping your dramatic tendencies restrained are the absolute best thing you can do.

4. However, if it is your young child who is badly hurt or critically ill, you are allowed all the drama you want.

5. If I am trying to help you and this makes you upset for some reason, please do not try and hit me. I may not be as big and beefy as some of my coworkers. I make up for it in dirty tricks. If you do decide you'd like to tussle, I'd like to point out that you get ONE swing and it is never free. I have giant zip-ties, sedatives, and a radio that can call a whole lot of cops, who aren't nearly as nice as me.

6. If you are driving and happen to see my big vehicle with all the blinkies and woo-woos, please get the hell out of the way. Specifically, pull ALL THE WAY to the right of the street and STOP YOUR CAR. You don't know where I'm going and when I'll need to turn. Unless you're driving a Hummer I've probably got more weight than you, and if you do something stupid that I can't avoid and we stack it up, things won't come out well for you. Also I'll lose my job.

7. Finally, exercise a modicum of common sense about when to call 911.

Examples of when 911 is IS appropriate: Traffic accidents with injuries. Chest pain. Trouble breathing. Lack of breathing. Serious bleeding. Unconsciousness. Seizures. Strokes.

Examples of when 911 may NOT be appropriate: Blisters. Small cuts. Dissatisfaction with your fast food order. Needing a prescription refill. Colds. Minor problem (sore leg, stomachache) which has been going on for three days.

Bearing all that in mind, it's a pleasure to serve you, and hopefully I won't be showing up at your doorstep, street corner, or car door anytime soon.

Love,
One of Your Many Hardworking (If Underpaid) County Paramedics.

"Riviting..." -Life as a Paramedic

Rounding Third and Heading Home,

M-

So you want to be an EMT Part II

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 01:41:16 GMT

11 Aug 2007

"So You Want To Be An EMT Part II"

When we last left our super heroes....

You know, to me, there are different levels of stupidity that one strives to reach.

There are those who are so arrogant and self centered, that their actual reality gets skewed and they think that their own perfection should be listed as one of the ten commandments. Here is a commandment for you: Thou shall get a friggin' clue. So you went to an ivy league school. So you make 6 or seven figures a year. So your car cost more than I will make in 10 years. At least I am not gallivanting around town with my nose so high, I can smell what they are serving for dinner on the space shuttle. You all think you brought sexy back. Well Sexy is back..and they have a receipt. They feel they were cheated.

Next, there are those who are stupid by nature. These people can't help themselves and a great deal of empathy and remorse goes out to them. No, I am not talking about those who are mentally retarted Because the mentally retarded will learn from their mistakes. They aren't stupid, they are just slow. I am talking about the ones who will, for instance, date someone who will physically and mentally demean them knowing full well that they are getting used, yet will stay with this person because they have absolutely NO self confidence and they think that this person is the one. Hello!!!! Wake the fuck up and smell the military style black coffee. If your ass hurts when you sit, it is because reality just placed its big ole boot print half way up your rectum. If you chose to go back and endure most pain, don't tell me it hurts when I hit you upside the head as hard as I can and tell you "dumbass, I told you so." Blue zone parking is over there.

But, the ones who take the cake, are those who are stupid for absolutely no reason. Maybe there is a faulty valve in the world's oxygen dispenser and they are suffering from a little bit of anoxia. Or maybe, they have to make an appointment with their own brain to have a complete thought. Nevertheless, these are the ones that you need to watch out for. These are the ones that you end up doing double takes on. These are the ones that keep me employed.

Case in point. Remember that "crunch" that I mentioned at the end of the last entry. For those of you who have deducted that a traffic accident had just happened, give yourself five points. For those of you who guessed that the segway in has to deal with someone of a lesser mental capacity for common sense, chalk up another twenty points. Now, here is where we incorporate the honor system. I will tell you what happened next, if you guessed it, give yourself the points, if you didn't, well don't feel too bad, I wouldn't have gotten it either.

1215 Hours

Now, I am quite familiar with snap, crackle, and pop. (Yeah...just add milk).

But last time I checked, Crunch wasn't part of their forte. Maybe he was the straight brother that is in prison or something like that.

Looking up, I see the rest of flying metal and what seems to be the remains of a minivan.

(Yes, I know what they look like, just stick with me here.)

The front end was somewhere in the trees, the bumper was just beyond the driver's door laying in the middle of the road, and the occupants that sat in their seats seemed to be unharmed trying to gather their thoughts.

Normally, this is where I would insert compassion and my aggressiveness to take control of the situation. But, I didn't. Nope, nothing from me. No hurrying to get the jump bag, no screaming over the radio to get the fire department, no sprinting across the wreckage to determine the severity of injury. Close your mouths, I haven't lost my compassion, nor have I lost my determination and skill. What I have failed to revive is my tolerance to stupidity and sheer ignorance. Fine, raise your hand if you think I am being too hard on these patients. Now let me tell you why I am being a little salty with them.

The mini-van in question hit a semi truck....

A Bright Green Semi Truck...

That was Parked.....

Okay, who guessed this? For all of you who raised your hands....You are all a bunch of liars....but give yourself the points anyway.

Looking at Bill, I pointed to the light bar and started to stroll over to the spill of stupidity watching where I stepped. I didn't want to get any moron fluid all over my polished boots. Coming up to the passenger side, I began to assess for damages and injuries. Inside, there was a mother and her young daughter, both wearing their seat belts, both crying, both wondering what happened.

"Ma'am, are you okay?" I asked with a sarcastic undertone.

"I think I am, I don't know" she said gulping air in between tears as if someone had just sucker punched her in the gut.

"Are you sure, because you just drove into a parked truck!" I matter-of-factly told her while pointing to the obvious.

"What? I didn't see the truck there?" She told me trying to rationallizing her lack of brain function.

I know how this can go though. You are just driving along the back country roads, listening to the music way too loud, feeling the breeze coming through your windows, Sunglasses reflecting the harmful UV rays that cause havoc to your retina, just loving life in all its colors and senses when, out of no where, a BIG GREEN NEON SEMI TRUCK pops out of the woods and parks its trailer right in front of you smack dab in the middle of the road causing you to break from your 15 MPH speed and slam full force (at around 10 MPH now) face first into the bumper bending the polished chrome slightly while your vehicle is now a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle. God damn Peterbuilts.

Surveying the scene and chatting it up with the police chief who was the officer on scene, Bill, Danielle, and I gathered our necesary information, asked if anyone wanted a trip to the hospital knowing everyone involved would decline, and headed back to the station so that we could grill our lunch in peace and quiet away from those who have their IQ under the mental Mendoza Line (baseball reference...look it up).

Or so we thought.....

Apparently, in the country, when one goes stupid, it carries with the breeze and begins to contaminate the general population by some osmosis process that absorbs into the skin and goes directly to the central nervous system causing all those idiots to seizure out into the streets and flood the realm of all sanity with its overwhemingly urge to infect others.

Another, case in point...

There is nothing more that I love about cooking than getting to cook out on the grill with my friends despite the simple fact that I am at work. The smell of the hickory imminating through the air replenshes my proverbial dismal mood from the close contact of those who are less fortunate in the department of brain cells. Bill had the grill lit in very little time as Danielle prepared the burgers that I had just purchased so that we can enjoy a fine prepared meal within the confines of our close living quarters.

Do you smell it???

No, not the food.

I see idiot on radar....

(Con..Sonar...unidentified stupidity bearing 180, heading toward us at 2 knots)

Before I could close the garage door and put up the closed sign, Idiot number two comes up to the bay door pulling up his sleeve to display is self made tattoo with the simple phrase "I Love Sharon". Sit down, here comes the stupidity.

"Hey, is there any way to get this off my arm?" He asked in a serious tone.

Now, Have you ever seen "The Mind of Mencia"? It stars Carlos Mencia and he is a comic who tells it like it is. The funniest shit ever. Anyway, he does a bit as an Indian shop owner where he ends up telling different breeds of people as to what he thinks.

(This is the best I could do).

Looking at Dr. Einstein, I couldn't help but to take this fastball and hit it out of the park.

"So...um...where is Sharon?" I asked coyly watching Danielle in my peripheral vision disappear into the crew room and spit up her Lipton Iced Tea, Lemon, in the glass bottle all over the dining table.

With a stupid (that's the theme here) smile on his face, he replied "well...."

"Well, Alex, I'll take 'stupid things I have done that will never come off my body' for $200." I chimed.

Bill thought it was funny, the moron didn't get it.

"It is there forever, that isn't coming off." Bill told him slowly so that he would understand.

"Never?!?!?" Captain Obvious asked.

"Well,no. There IS three things you can do.."I told him giving false hope.

As he looked intently for the answers, I began to label off some ideas.

"First, you could start wearing long sleeves and if you have sex with a different girl, just tell her that you have a rare skin disease and have to keep your shirt on. Sure she won't have sex with you then but in the end, you will be doing all of us a great service."

"Second, you could just cut off your arm. If you want, I can call the fire department, they have just the tool."

"Finally, you can go and kiss Sharon's ass and hope that she will take you back. Look on the bright side, you didn't find a girl named Jordananna. That would have REALLY sucked."

Deflating his balloon of hope, he turned and walked away dejected...and still with Sharon's affection pasted on his arm...for life.

God, I love my job!!!

We did end up going on a call later that day which is a whole story in itself, but noting that I felt noteworthy of blogging about.

To move ahead a little, Danielle DID come back to ride again, and I don't think she could have picked a better day. She got the expirience of a lifetime.

You want to know what happened???

Well, keep anticipating...I will tell you soon.

School starts in January to become an EMT.

See ya there...

Rounding Third and Heading Home,

M-

So, you wanna be an EMT

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 03:17:22 GMT

12 July 2007

"So, You Want to be an EMT"

Remember as a kid hearing the siren somewhere close to where you were and getting on your bike with your best friends following the ambulance down the street to see who it was that needed help.

The red and white lights of the squad seemed to have that mesmerizing spell that drew you close like a mosquito to a bug zapper.

(OOOooo...that is gonna leave a mark).

Then, there they were. The EMTs who seemed to emerge out of the truck in one of those movie slow motion sequences, walking toward the house where their services have been requested. You stand on the tree lawn with all the other nosy neighbors standing on your tip toes trying to get a peek inside the house wondering what is actualling going on and if everyone is okay.

You watch the patient coming out on the cot and in all their glory, the paramedics load him or her up and drive away similar to a cowboy riding into the sunset (see the difference)

Oh, don't deny it...we all have done it. Some of us grew out of it....

Now, add a beautiful, but hot summer day, your two best friends, and a fast vehicle, and you know what you get???

No, dumbass......(those gosh darn Dukes)

ME!!!

Bill....

(Remember the "BIG DOG story...)

And introducing to the show.......Danielle

(Say Hi, Danielle...)

(Oh, don't forget the vehicle........)

Now, for those of you who don't know the supporting cast, I will give you a brief rund down.

Bill is a professional firefighter for the city that I used to work in. I met Bill in a car that was upside down in the pouring rain around zero dark thirty in the morning while we were trying to get someone who what one too many Pabst Blue Ribbon and hyrdoplaned off the road. Bill and I have become the best of friends and now he has come to work for me a few days a month. Working with Bill is like being on vacation with your bestest buddy...and getting paid for it. Life is good.

Throw Danielle into the mix.

I mean, what good is a great show unless you have a beautiful, talented, extremely intelligent, and did I mention beautiful, female to play opposite the lead characters.

Danielle, I have known since late 1993 on accident (no, not the kind where you park your car into another) and we had become inseperable for the next eight months doing everything and anything together with our friends.

For the record, because I know this is coming, we never dated. And I will leave it at that.

Anyways, Danielle, who is in marketing, wanted to see what life was like in the big, white box on wheels. So, what better way to show her than to have a couple of her best friends show her "Life as a Paramedic".

I hope she has insurance.

0855 Hours

It was already beginning to get really scorching hot and I knew that today was going to be one of those days where we were gonna work our asses off in some capacity.

Finishing up the morning cleaning details, my attention was turned by thesound a vehicle entering the lot and crunching the gravel as it found a shady spot. As the dust began to settle, a figure emerged from beyond the tinted windows walking to greet both Bill and me ready to go fast and think even faster.

Today was Danielle's ride-a-long. And boy, we didn't want to disappoint her.

The morning started out with us showing her the equipment and detailing safety procedures in the event of Bill and I getting separated at an accident or other incident that requires both our attentions. Our next stop was something a LOT more pressing but with just as much importance....

Going to Wakeman Hardware......

....which is an adventure in itself.

Walking into this store is kinda like sitting on the porch with the little boy who plays the banjo at the beginning of Deliverance.

(Whew....I just got chills).

Oh sure, it has all the comforts of a hardware store, with the added bonus of smelling like the animal pens at the local county fair when the air conditioning isn't working and the wind is out of the south.

Today, our task was to get propane for the grill. Getting in and getting back out would have been the most ideal of task, but once you are in, you are kinda intrigued as to what you can find. One side of the store is the typical hardware part (minus the smell) where you can get drill bits, screws, gardening supplies, etc.

The other side of the store is a combination, hunting/camping supply shop. Warm clothing, lanterns, hunting and fishing licenses, automatic weapons....you know, everything you would find in the country.

For those of you who are paying attention, I DID say automatic weapons. By this, I am not talking a 9mm Beretta But a fully automatic M4 assault rifle like the Army uses.

(okay, the grenade launcher was on backorder though.)

I guess this is for those who goes hunting and aren't a really good shot.

Don't ask...I really don't know.

Like DisneyWorld or any other favorite amusement park, everyone has a favorite ride or part of the park that always brings them closer and no matter how many times you see it, you have to go back due to sheer curiousity andintrigue.

For Danielle, it is the "free, take one" basket. Each day, it is something new, something exciting, something that will help your everyday life and change the way you live.

Today, it was "Toilet leak detector".

Hey....it was free.

Okay, let's get the hell out of Dodge before Dueling Banjoes starts playing.

Our next stop was the local Mickey Mart which is a Gas station/Subway/ATM/Local hang out.

Our item of choice...cancer sticks...I mean cigarettes. Bill needed to reload. Danielle needed her Lemon Lipton Iced Tea in the glass bottle.

Accept no substitutes. Her Birthday is in February...Stock up now for her.

Now that we were stocked up on provisions and the essentials, it was time to get ready for work. Time to show her what she came to see. Time to clean the grammer and drop the hammer lights and sirens.

I was ready, I was pumped, I was psyched. Any minute, a call would come in and we would be off into the wild blue yonder. We would be ready, we would be equipped, we would be prepared.

We would only have to wait 4 seconds.

Not even getting into the squad, our attention was averted by the sound of metal on metal and a vehicle coming to rest with more parts scattered over the intersection than it came in with.

Damn it....here we go....

...to be continued.

Rounding Third and Heading Home,

M-