Journey Through The Valley of Shadows

11:13 PM - She
Current mood: depressed

She sits. She waits. She breathes. She runs.

There isn't anything that she can control, the one thing she could became a public affair. Everyone knew, she trusted one, and then another and it turned out that it was a mistake to think that trust still existed in a world so polluted with anger, hate, lust, and deceit. She was a good girl, a happy child, raised in a southern home and church. She knew her morals, she knew what she believed in and to never let anyone tell her any different. She was strong. It happened so suddenly, attacked her with such quickness and violence like she'd never witnessed or seen portrayed in a Hollywood fairytale. She berated herself for not knowing, for not expecting it; every time she made a move she could almost see it out of her peripheral vision. A long black snake, coiled in the back of her mind waiting for the opportune moment to strike, it stayed coiled in the shadows for such a long time that she forgot it was there, watching her, mocking her, waiting.  When it finally released the heat of its venom into her mind she felt like she was on fire, she thought things that would've seemed deranged to her just a short time before. She cried tears of pain, screamed shrieks of agony, and sobbed words of defeat. No one could help her; she was a lost cause it seemed. Her friends, try as they might, were at their wits end and one by one began dwindling away. There wasn't anyone to turn to, and then, sitting in her bathroom floor, crying and alone, she knew what she had to do. She didn't think it would be so easy, she knew it was wrong and that she had to hide it, the blood she spilled that night sparked her fire again, the glowing embers she had grown accustomed to had suddenly roared to life. It was a curious thing, no doubt, an oddity to treat such… pain with a different sort of hurt. She found that if she was aching on the outside she wouldn't notice the ache on the inside. So, she hid it, her secret weapon, she got the color back in her cheeks and started going out again. Then one day someone saw, but she knew she could always trust a friend. She didn't realize what she'd done when she spoke such words, so true. The control she'd fallen in love with had disappeared when the words came out but she didn't notice then. She didn't realize what she'd done until that night when she confronted her silver friend; he'd laughed it off with a glint on his back and told her to use him again. She tried and she tried to feel the rush, to enjoy it again. It was impossible now that someone knew, her control was lost again. Her friend grew concerned and asked a person for advice, pretty soon she couldn't look into a pair of eyes without them looking her up and down, secretly searching for the marks. She cast away her evil friend and decided to begin again, she tried to hit but didn't bruise, she tried to burn but it wouldn't work, her power was lost and couldn't be found. So, naturally she was opened up and the snake attacked again. She tried to breathe and found she couldn't, that was when she threw in the towel, life wasn't supposed to be like this. Not wicked and cruel, what had she done to deserve it? She wouldn't give her silver friend the honor of doing her in, she turned to medication, created for sleep, figuring that's what she wanted, just with an air of permanence. No one knew what she had on her mind at the dinner table that night, they laughed and she smiled just like every other time. Then, alone in her room, pills in hand, she couldn't bring herself to do it. Finally, she had made a rational decision. She put the bottle down and didn't think of it again. Her appetite was almost nonexistent and she found that if scarring her arms wasn't working anymore maybe this would. She'd heard of girls that starved themselves for looks, but had anyone done it to feel the pain? She was going to try. Over time she found that this measure of pain would do just fine in keeping her emotions at bay. She had recurring thought of being not good enough, of being bad, she knew what she was doing was wrong. Very wrong, but she couldn't stop. She would never have control over herself, it seemed. She could see people getting tired of her fake smiles, and 'I'm not hungry's', she knew that if she wasn't careful when she submerged from this dark pond that she would really be alone. Months passed and she was careful, getting help when she felt herself being taken back into the murky water. She smiled more often, and ate more than she had before, but she couldn't be alone without cringing back into herself.

That's all I've go so far.

C

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